Top Ten things about being the Prime Minister of New Zealand

August 28th, 2009 at 9:00 am by David Farrar

NZPA report:

Prime Minister is going to sell New Zealand to the worldwide tourism market when he appears on a top US television show next month.

Mr Key is booked for the Late Show with while he is in New York to speak at the United Nations.

He has a guest appearance on the show’s cheeky “” slot.

“It’s an opportunity to promote New Zealand, it’s gold when it comes to New Zealand from a tourism point of view,” Mr Key said today.

“This is a show that millions of people watch worldwide, it really is a magnificent opportunity.”

I love Letterman so this will be good watching.

I’m not sure whether Key will get to write his own top ten, or if the Late Show writers will provide the script, but in case either of them are looking for inspiration feel free to leave your suggestions below for possible inclusion on the top ten list. I’m guessing the topic will be something like “Top Ten things about being the Prime Minister of New Zealand”.

Just two rules:

  1. This is for a US audience, so stuff about local issues won’t work
  2. They are meant to be funny

The archive of previous top tens is here.

Tags: , ,

72 Responses to “Top Ten things about being the Prime Minister of New Zealand”

  1. homepaddock (434 comments) says:

    1. The people he governs are outnumberd 10 to one by sheep.

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  2. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    “I love Letterman so this will be good watching.”

    Sorry, can’t share your enthusiasm for this at all.

    IMHO, Letterman is just a weak unfunny and depraved Progressive with an approach to humour that is a decade out of date. His attacks on Palin and her family finished him for me. Nothing but a propagandist doing ridicule for the hate wing of the Democrats.

    And as for Key promoting tourism, well, all PM’s do it, so its not down to Key on his own, but really, its something the government should stay right out of. Let tourist companies promote tourism.

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  3. expat (4,048 comments) says:

    2. It’s so far away, terrorists don’t know where it is.

    (in which case go away Red as you have no idea what you are talking about)

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  4. Minnie (96 comments) says:

    3. You get to do cool things like Oxford Union debates and err…Letterman

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  5. Cerium (23,359 comments) says:

    I saw a report about this on TV3 news last night. They spent some time going on about it, especially what “celebrities” have appeared on Letterman (an excuse to bring up Hilton and Spears yet again). Then with what seemed like an afterthought they mentioned while Key is in NY he will address the UN and meet Obama for the first time but them closed saying the big deal will be appearing on Letterman. Gotta get leadership priorities right!

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  6. dime (9,690 comments) says:

    good stuff! woulda been funnier if helen had done it back in the day. just on looks alone.

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  7. Cerium (23,359 comments) says:

    4. The people he governs are mostly sheep.

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  8. expat (4,048 comments) says:

    (after a decade of coddling by the commies)

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  9. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    1. Actually, I can’t think of one good thing about being PM of NZ.

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  10. MikeNZ (3,234 comments) says:

    I get to be as undemocratic as your president though unlike him I can show kiwis my birth certificate

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  11. expat (4,048 comments) says:

    (Red, go away then, really. Sydneys not far if you can’t afford to go any further, but if you need a whip around for a one way to Alaska let us know)

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  12. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    1. Its just a little bit better than being PM of Russia.

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  13. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    1. I might have to kiss the arses of the Chicom generals, but I can threaten hell out of Fiji.

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  14. bearhunter (859 comments) says:

    You’re actually excited to be on Letterman…

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  15. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    10)..i only have a congress to worry about…i have no senate..

    9)..we only have four million people…(so no queues or traffic-jams..)

    8)..rush limbaugh lives here..we live there…

    7)..paris hilton is also ‘a distance away’..

    6)..we have lots of high bits..that we can move to when the oceans rise..

    5)..i have a compliant.unquestioning mainstream media..so..no real scrutiny…(nudge-nudge..!..)

    4)..we don’t owe china anywhere near as much as you do..

    3)..we have no hurricane-season..

    2)..i am really rich..so i don’t need the money..

    1)..and the best/number one thing for americans .. about me being the prime minister of new zealand..?

    i can invite y’all down for a visit…and we are only a plane flight away..

    see ya soon..!

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  16. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    1. I can still attract a lot of international acclaim as a result of NZ’s 1980′s pursuit of a free market economy, even tho it was initiated by Roger Douglas, a man I refuse to have in cabinet.

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  17. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    and how about that red..?..eh..?

    is he as many laughs as a barrel of monkeys..?..or what..?

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  18. Jack5 (4,921 comments) says:

    * We have good-looking women in NZ, so the sheep are safe.

    * If your beefburger tastes good, it grew on our grass.

    * If your beefburger’s tough, it grew up in Australia.

    * We don’t talk like Aussies, they talk like us.

    * We stopped whaling because tourists spout cash, not just sea water.

    * Call us the quaky isles if you like, but the ground never stands still for busy people.

    * We’re “en zed” not “en zee”.

    * Convicts helped build Australia, escaped ones helped build NZ.

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  19. expat (4,048 comments) says:

    3. We’re exporting our idiots to Alaska too.

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  20. Redbaiter (13,197 comments) says:

    1. Our real leader is now the most powerful woman at the UN. (and its thanks to me that she got the job)

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  21. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    lange had the oxford union debate..

    key gets the letterman top 10..

    (mmmm!!!..)

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  22. expat (4,048 comments) says:

    Do you have a job Red?
    (we know phil doesn’t)
    perhaps they could hang out together.

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  23. Phil (126 comments) says:

    4)..we don’t owe China anywhere near as much as you do..
    Ok, I may be the first to ever say it on Kiwiblog, but philu; that’s gold, I love it.

    Slightly off topic;

    Great old joke from the Two Ronnies;
    “In America they have the Republican Party, which is a lot like the Conservatives. And then they have the Democrat Party, which is a lot like the Conservatives”

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  24. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    i have no serious military..so don’t have to invade anyone..

    we make better movies than you do..

    oprah who..?

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  25. Jack5 (4,921 comments) says:

    Re Philu at 9.41…

    Lange was soapboxing at Oxford – “I can smell the uranium on your breath, sir”.

    He ignored the one good thing about nuclear arms. Fear of what would happen if they were used kept peace between the two big power blocs for half a century. Without it there would have been World War 3 in Europe for sure. Moreover, much of the Western peace movement was led by communist infiltrators who wanted it merely to weaken Western resolve. Their legacy persists in the huge fifth columns of pacifists who have undermined Western (overwhelmingly American) actions from Vietnam to Iraq and now even Afghanistan. They were pretty quiet about the same Russian actions in Afghanistan.

    Lange was a good speaker, but didn’t have the IQ of Key IMO. Lange was outfoxed by the Rogernomes.

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  26. daveski (86 comments) says:

    99. It’s not part of Australia. (No, really!)

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  27. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    (and further to my 9.41..)

    and clark had her meeting with shrek..the sheep..

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  28. big bruv (13,572 comments) says:

    The Kiwi insecurity complex is alive and well it seems, watch as almost the entire nation whips itself into a lather because we are going to get a five minute mention on a second rate left wing TV show.

    Red’s 9.12 comments are spot on, it seems that our desperate desire to be noticed on the world scene has overridden our collective commons sense.

    I hope like hell that Letterman takes the piss out of us, I hope that he says things that will get the country up in arms, only then can we hope to do something about our pathetic insecurity complex and our equally pathetic desperation to be noticed.

    New Zealand, the nation with 4.2 million ADHD sufferers.

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  29. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    “..Lange was a good speaker, but didn’t have the IQ of Key IMO…

    really..?..that’s a tad ungracious..both are obviously men of intelligence..

    ..and ..withour reigniting the nuclear-debate..you just studiously ignore the main argument against peace-nukes..

    ..radioactive waste that lasts for squillions of years..

    “.. Lange was outfoxed by the Rogernomes..”

    he also stopped them from doing their worst/much worse…

    ..with his ‘break for a cup of tea’..

    imagine how far they would have gone..had he not pulled the plug..?

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  30. Richard Hurst (801 comments) says:

    Top ten things about being PM of NZ:

    10. Our population is so small I know almost all the people that voted for me.

    9. Our population is so small I know the names and addresses of the ones that didn’t vote for me.

    8. Osama bin Laden has no idea my country even exists.

    7. Shara Palin has no idea my country even exists.

    6. My country has Hobbits, elves, goblins and King Kong. What have you guys got?

    5. Unlike you guys, China is somewhere we sell stuff too, not borrow from.

    4. I don’t have to invade Iraq or Afghanistan if I don’t want to.

    3. My military is so small I couldn’t invade Iraq or Afghanistan even if I wanted to.

    2. Barack Obama calls me John. I call him “hey aren’t you Samual L Jackson? This is so exciting! Can I have your autograph?”

    1. Not being the Prime Minister of a bunch of permanently drunk, Kola hugging, Kangaroo eating, butt crack showing Australians.

    [DPF: Excellent - they should hire you]

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  31. Sam Buchanan (502 comments) says:

    You can feel famous at home, but be completely anonymous overseas.

    At worst, only four million people will ever care enough to be annoyed with you.

    You have enough power to feel important, but not enough to do any real harm.

    You get police protection, but aren’t under any threat.

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  32. Sam Buchanan (502 comments) says:

    You get the Labour Party as an “opposition”.

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  33. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    i mean..seriously bruv..

    why don’t you and red just piss-off..?

    and you both appear to have a chronic inability to ‘lighten up’..

    why don’t you find a little island somewhere..?

    where you can be miserable together..

    ..in yr own little echo-chamber..eh..?

    (are you ‘mailing’ each other yet..?

    ..i mean..misery loves company…

    ..and you two..are ‘a match made in heaven’..eh.?..)

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  34. Danyl Mclauchlan (1,066 comments) says:

    1. You can pay off the national debt by telling everyone to look under their couch covers for loose change.
    2. Knowing that your armed forces can kick Antartica’s ass any time they step out of line.
    3. You get to use the national cell phone five times a week at no charge.
    4. You are protected by highly trained bodyguards who are willing to throw themselves in front of a glacier to save you.
    5. Swear to protect and defend the people of New Zealand against all penguins, both domestic and foreign.
    6. Only person in country with high enough security clearance to follow William Shatner on Twitter.
    7. Prime Ministers private chef has the finest recipe in the world for roast hobbit.
    8. Can silence every journalist across the entire country by confiscating her laptop battery.
    9. Head of Government is excused from nightly border patrol guarding against Australian sheep rustlers and fur seals entering the country illegally.
    10. You learn the horrible truth about what happened to Old Zealand.

    [DPF: Also excellent]

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  35. NeilM (370 comments) says:

    1. You get to be mistaken for Murray Hewitt.

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  36. Brian Smaller (4,029 comments) says:

    1)..and the best/number one thing for americans .. about me being the prime minister of new zealand..?

    i can invite y’all down for a visit…and we are only a plane flight away..

    Best thing he could say. Ten times in fact. Get those yank tourists here.

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  37. Graeme Edgeler (3,277 comments) says:

    We’ve finally shut up up about Lord of the Rings.

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  38. NeilM (370 comments) says:

    1. You get to be mistaken for Gollum.

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  39. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    danyls’ 6 and 10 are laugh-out-loud funny..

    and are cerium/red/bruv the most humourless bastards..?..ever..?

    wouldn’t ya love a long drive with any of them..?..eh..?

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  40. stephen (4,063 comments) says:

    What philu said at 10:05, Christ on a bike!

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  41. Jeff83 (771 comments) says:

    I have a question for Red, what actually do you enjoy in your life. Cause I am yet to see a positive comment about anything other than Palin from you.

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  42. KiwiGreg (3,226 comments) says:

    “10. You learn the horrible truth about what happened to Old Zealand.”

    Classic, made me LOL.

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  43. toad (3,674 comments) says:

    10. I can sack Cabinet Ministers and get away with not ever having to tell the New Zealand public why.

    9. We’ve got shitloads of lignite in New Zealand and I can change the rules so we can mine it.

    8. I’ve got a Cabinet Minister named Anne Tolley who makes Sarah Palin look informed and competent. [oops, is that a top thing?]

    7. I wasn’t elected until November last year so I never had to talk to President George W Bush.

    6. I’ve got a chance of a top job at the UN when New Zealand voters shaft me.

    5. We have a Free Trade Agreement with China (eat your heart out, Obama).

    4. New Zealand doesn’t have nearly as many fundie wingnuts as you do and we keep them away from political power.

    3. New Zealand doesn’t give a shit about its carbon emissions either.

    2. Dick Cheney doesn’t live in New Zealand.

    1. Nobody confuses me with Osama bin Laden.

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  44. bearhunter (859 comments) says:

    It’s national news when you get invited onto a chat show overseas.

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  45. RW (8 comments) says:

    Best thing is :
    No 1. To get elected just tell people you are different from the other team; but not be.
    No 2. Flip flop is a political principle.
    No 3. I can a say “I’ve freinds who are Maori ”
    No 4. People think I’m nice.
    No 5. People think I’m nice.
    No 6. I get to meet the Obamasia
    No 7. People think I’m nice
    No 8. I can say, “I’ll give you a tax cut, even though I knew I wasn’t going to”.
    No 9. Nick Smith & Tony Ryall are so annoying, they make everyone else look good.
    No 10. I’m on TV

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  46. Cerium (23,359 comments) says:

    1. You can distract the plebs from important things by opposing smacking of kids.

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  47. david (2,557 comments) says:

    Toad – comedy lead. …… kerthunk.

    Don’t give up your day job!

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  48. Sam123 (9 comments) says:

    My opposition is more interested in my share certificates than my birth certificate

    I don’t have to worry about town hall meetings, we sold them off in the 80′s

    My cash for clunkers program pays out for 5 years at over 1k per week

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  49. getstaffed (9,189 comments) says:

    Richard Hurst @ 10.01.. Top shelf comedy!

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  50. Kris K (3,570 comments) says:

    • As a result of the actions of the previous PM I no longer have to provide a budget for Air Force expenditure – as we no longer have one.

    Big savings on fighter pilot training and salaries as we got rid of them all.
    Just wish we could cash up our old Skyhawks.
    ‘Do you know of anyone, Dave [Letterman], looking for some old fighter planes?’

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  51. wikiriwhis business (3,883 comments) says:

    We’re En Zed, not En Zee

    Love it

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  52. Right of way is Way of Right (1,129 comments) says:

    Danyl Mclaughlin – Gold, absolute gold.

    What DID happen to Old Zealand?

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  53. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    “..What DID happen to Old Zealand?..”

    it got fucked over by the rogernomes/environmental vandals/greedy bastards..

    (often all three to be found in the same package..)

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  54. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    “..# david (933) Vote: Add rating 8 Subtract rating 0 Says:
    August 28th, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Toad – comedy lead. …… kerthunk.

    Don’t give up your day job!..”

    i thought toads’ 7 and 5 had merit..

    and..your ‘offerings’..?..there david..?

    i hope your use of the classic-gold..’day-job’ line..

    isn’t indicative of yr comedic writing skills..?

    ..ie..non-existant..

    ..eh..?

    (if we need that ‘day-job’ line again anytime soon..

    ..we’ll get back to ya..!..eh..?..

    ..in the meantime..?

    you know the punchline..!..eh..?..)

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  55. bka (135 comments) says:

    1. I don’t bother with political polls, whatever, people just come up and tell me what they want when I am at the mall.
    2. Our homeland security budget is nowhere near as big since the fall of the Dark Lord Sauron.
    3. All the cheese I can eat.
    4. We have a burgeoning export industry in folk parody duos, beats the car trade eh?
    5. If I tell Barak Obama to “rattle his daggs” and give us a free trade agreement, he won’t really know what that means.
    6. We won all our 8 gold medals at the LA Olympics in sports where you sit down, how laid back is that?
    7. Being Prime Minister of NZ is so much fun I hardly spend any time in Hawaii any more.
    8. No one ever marches the streets chanting “Death to New Zealand!” hell, they’d have to be nuts!
    9. We are one of the world’s youngest countries, but one of its oldest democracies, we have beautiful scenery, a vibrant go ahead culture and all the cheese you can eat.
    10. I can not see Australia from my house.

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  56. STC (52 comments) says:

    10: If I perform well I get paid a bonus of 10 sheep
    9: Get to direct UN Ambassadors key right of veto on powerful UN Pie Throwing Committee
    8: State Banquets have 30% more Kiwifruit!
    7: Use of State Limo on alternate weekends for antiquing
    6: In my election campaign, I convinced 6 out of 10 people to vote for me. Sarah, Emma, Mark and Trevor voted for the other guy
    5: I’m constantly being asked my opinion on important national events like lolly scrambles
    4: If I make a gaffe on the world stage I claim I am Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd – no one can tell our accents apart
    3: Two Words people: Surf’s up!
    2: Technically Queen Elizabeth II is Head of State, but not even she can find us on a map
    1: No one gets invited to more sausage sizzles

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  57. david (2,557 comments) says:

    Quiet day at the office phil?

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  58. bwakile (757 comments) says:

    1. Hi, I’m “Mick” Keywi, put another dog on the barbie.

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  59. Angus (536 comments) says:

    1 – You can help Helen & Sue protect the chooldrin from Larry Baldock… oh wait, another kid added to the Klarkford wall of shame.

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10593756

    Why isnt the Statism Bill protecting these chooldrin ?

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  60. Tim Ellis (253 comments) says:

    1. When I walk into a room, the New Zealand military band plays “Hail to the Sheep”.

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  61. NoCash (256 comments) says:

    I’m not a state governor in Australia.
    I was not the PM when we lost the America’s Cup to a landlocked country.
    Our entire government budget is only one millionth of your federal deficit.
    Our entire government budget is less than Microsoft’s annual budget.
    Just like you… we can’t balance our budget neither.

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  62. Sam Buchanan (502 comments) says:

    Just like in the US, the last political leader reduced everyone’s expectations enough to make anybody look good.

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  63. Lindsay (142 comments) says:

    I don’t have to pay as much tax as when I was a trader

    I’m so popular I can even go bald and hold the wimmin’s vote

    I get to fly in an Airforce Hercules that might not get me some place I didn’t want to go anyway

    I have really good excuses for not getting home at six every night

    I grew up in the projects with a single mom and I still got to be the most powerful man in the country

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  64. side show bob (3,660 comments) says:

    Don’t worry New Zealand still loves the US, even though your warships are not welcome and I would be strung up by the lunatic left if I let them in but in saying that your spy bases are some of our biggest tourists attractions, especially loved by people with sharp knives.

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  65. PJB (2 comments) says:

    You get to say words like “scuttlebug” in the media and get away with it

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  66. Kimble (4,417 comments) says:

    5. Thanks to my accent you guys think I am sober

    4. New Zealand has socialised healthcare so we.. *cough* *COUGH* -wheeze— *COUGH!*

    1. No one involved with Goldman Sachs is allowed anywhere near any part of our government

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  67. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    “..i made my millions from lehman bros..

    ..but i got them out in time..”

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  68. Hurf Durf (2,860 comments) says:

    *laughter, applause*

    “Number 6, we have philu!”

    *Shocks and gasps from the audience followed by bloodcurdling screams. The audience flees in a horrified rush, stampeding over any poor fucker in their way. Paul Schaeffer stabs himself with a drumstick. The audience enters the street, where the information is spread. Panic spreads like a virus, looting and rapes explode as the police, then National Guard troops attempt to suppress the rioters, driven insane by that one word. Final death toll: 5,672. Philu is sucessfully extradited by an extremely apologetic John Key and he mysteriously goes missing over the Pacific Ocean*

    Brevity is the soul of wit. I have no soul.

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  69. lilman (934 comments) says:

    Seroiusly-nothing funny about a man who disrepects the process.
    To be kind I would say…………………………………………….sorry !!!!!!!!!

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  70. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    ok..the funniest..!

    (in chronological order..)

    (modesty prevented me from including my own..)

    jack5..* Convicts helped build Australia, escaped ones helped build NZ..”

    richard hurst..”..10. Our population is so small I know almost all the people that voted for me.

    9. Our population is so small I know the names and addresses of the ones that didn’t vote for me…”

    danyl..

    “..1. You can pay off the national debt by telling everyone to look under their couch covers for loose change.

    6. Only person in country with high enough security clearance to follow William Shatner on Twitter.

    10. You learn the horrible truth about what happened to Old Zealand..”

    toad..

    “..7. I wasn’t elected until November last year so I never had to talk to President George W Bush.

    sam 123..

    “..I don’t have to worry about town hall meetings, we sold them (all) off in the 80’s..”

    bka..

    “..2. Our homeland security budget is nowhere near as big since the fall of the Dark Lord Sauron.

    6. We won all our 8 gold medals at the LA Olympics in sports where you sit down, how laid back is that?

    10. I can not see Australia from my house..”

    tim ellis..

    “..1. When I walk into a room, the New Zealand military band plays “Hail to the Sheep”…”

    no cash..

    “..I was not the PM when we lost the America’s Cup to a landlocked country..”

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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  71. kahikatea (16 comments) says:

    Top 10 things about being Prime Minister of New Zealand

    (1) they’ll still vote for you even if you’re, like, from one of those Wall Street investment banks or something

    (2) You get your own Mini-Me coalition partner, and he even looks like the one from Austin Powers

    (3) We don’t have to worry about our banks collapsing, because the Australian government stopped them from doing that sub-prime thing so we didn’t have to

    (4) we don’t have to worry about our finance companies either, because there are none left

    (5) whatever we do, everyone thinks we’re an environmental leader

    (6) we’re so popular, the Samoans changed which side of the road they drive on JUST TO BE LIKE US

    (7) we have enough naval force to invade Tuvalu and seize control of their internet domain code

    (8) we get to stick our tongues out and make intimidating gestures at international dignitaries, and they can’t complain because it’s ‘cultural’

    (9) The Turks are so forgiving that they invite us back every year to commemorate the time we tried to invade them.

    (10) The spelling of a local place name is the most controversial political issue we have.

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  72. philu (13,393 comments) says:

    and the favourites of the favourites are the two from danyl..

    the ‘old zealand’ one still raises a chuckle..

    and i don’t know w.t.f. makes the shatner/twitter one funny..but it is..

    phil(whoar.co.nz)

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