Blame Wanda

March 29th, 2010 at 10:25 am by David Farrar

For those who get offended by this post, you should blame Wanda Harland.

After I posted about the 31 swear words that the BSA did research on, to determine acceptability on air, Wanda tweeted:

now try and use them all in one sentence

As friends will testify one of my weaknesses is I am intensively competitive and can never turn down a challenge, whether it be to jump off a roof, or use the 31 most offensive swear words in a sentence.

Now I tried to ignore the challenge, but my mind has a life of its own. Various combinations floated through my head while watching DVDs last night, and today I just had to put pen to paper, so to speak.

The prose below I am sure will not win any literary prizes, but does include the 31 swear words. I cheated a bit by counting the use of Jesus Fucking Christ as also counting for the use of Jesus and Jesus Christ.

To avoid un-necessary offence, the prose is after the break.

I was walking down the street thinking I’ve had already had a cunt of a day and thank God it could not get worse and then I saw the little retarded cocksucker who had called me a nigger so I yelled out “Yo Mother Fucker, fuck off from my sight or not even Jesus Fucking Christ will save your arsehole from me faggot” thinking that will cause the bastard to piss off but instead the wanker tells me to get fucked and trash talks my bitch of a wife by claiming her dick or prick is bigger than my cock, and that she is a slut and a whore who has sucked on his balls, a claim I knew was bullshit and crap as she won’t even suck on mine so I told the stupid bugger to stop talking bollocks and come up with better trash talk as I beat him into a bloody pulp.

And no do not psycho-analyse the sentence.

People are free to post their own versions below, so long as no real names (or alises) are used – ie it should be fiction – not actual abuse. Oh and no swear words beyond the 31 either.

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27 Responses to “Blame Wanda”

  1. Murray (8,803 comments) says:

    I was tempted to respond using them all in the comments as a matter of course but the bSA simply lacks imagination and the creativity of any infantry platoon sergant and it wasn’t worth my time.

    Offense is relative and more closely linked to the itnent of the words rather than the words themselves anyway.

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  2. expat (4,050 comments) says:

    This post has warped my fragile little mind.

    http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0003566/quotes

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  3. big bruv (14,224 comments) says:

    “Oh and no swear words beyond the 31 either.”

    There are others????

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  4. Michaels (1,233 comments) says:

    I’m no English teacher, but…… I am sure there should be a fullstop after “faggot”.
    Otherwise, a C+….. hmm ok. B-

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  5. brucehoult (198 comments) says:

    The sentence is so long because you didn’t have time to make it shorter?

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  6. Michaels (1,233 comments) says:

    He had all night bruce but the challange I believe was to make it one sentence.

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  7. Murray (8,803 comments) says:

    You can only swear in one languge BB? I could call someone a big dick in four by the age of 11.

    Get out more, travel.

    Abusing people in Latin is classey!

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  8. DRHILL (121 comments) says:

    The TV Series “Deadwood” came instantly to mind reading that!.

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  9. Brian Smaller (3,966 comments) says:

    And no do not psycho-analyse the sentence.

    Or you will tell us to fuck off?

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  10. Brian Smaller (3,966 comments) says:

    The TV Series “Deadwood” came instantly to mind reading that!.

    Any series where two main characters can organise a drug/slave running operation using just the words “cocksucker” and “San Francisco” is pure genius in my view.

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  11. Crampton (213 comments) says:

    Deadwood was awesome. And its cursing tended to be grammatically correct.

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  12. RRM (10,104 comments) says:

    http://i1010.photobucket.com/albums/af230/RRM22/cool_story_bro.jpg

    Interesting that they are all allusions to body parts or bodily functions. Apart from JC…

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  13. Poliwatch (335 comments) says:

    At least the first 12 words met the “grandmother test” – but then it was all downhill.

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  14. Captain Neurotic (203 comments) says:

    I agree with Murry go to Battalion for a day and you will learn the full potential of the combination of these words…

    P.S. ‘Fuckpig’ will always be my favourite insult… so many connotations yet so simple

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  15. Jeff83 (747 comments) says:

    Apart from being highly offensive I am actually quite disapointed with all I have managed to create in a quick attempt. Too many words to include which all have similar meaning…

    “Jesus Fucking Christ you retarded slut of a whore” I ushered having walked in on my bitch of a partners cunt being engorged balls deep by the local nigger priest’s faggot cock having returned earlier than expected from our recent spat where my wifes “fuck off and get fucked” had ended my bollocks rant of bugger all sense stemming from her sudden time commitment to the local church; “god is a wanker as far as I am concerned being a mother fucker full of bullshit with a bastard son called Jesus Christ and frankly is a giant cocksucking prick of an entity whose teachings are bollocks” is likely an unreasonable statement when all my partner had said was “piss off” to my proposition of sodomising the bitch with my dick in her arsehole to create a bloody mess of crap and shit

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  16. RRM (10,104 comments) says:

    Doesn’t achieve the 31, but here is my favourite piece of profanity:

    http://www.justsomelyrics.com/472121/Brooklyn-Funk-Essentials-I-Got-Cash-Lyrics

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  17. Jeff83 (747 comments) says:

    (Email forward – an oldy – apologies for formatting)

    Dear Employees:

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

    Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    1.. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don’t have a f***ing clue, do you?
    2. Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter Instead Of: She’s a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
    3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
    4. Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se- hole
    5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
    6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with.. Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
    7. Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.
    8. Try Saying: That’s interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
    9. Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented
    Within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
    10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
    11. Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He’s got his head up his f***ing a*se.
    12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face
    13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going
    To be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

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  18. Murray (8,803 comments) says:

    And what the hell does monkey foreskin eyes MEAN Jeff?????????

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  19. metcalph (1,367 comments) says:

    So there I was doing in a faggot, not fucking him in the arsehole mind you, but actually kicking the cocksuckers’s prick and balls in so far that he’d be able to suck his own bollocks when along comes Billy, dumbest motherfucker that he is, and he parks himself in front of the nearest tree, like, does a downtrou and goes to the toilet at which point I says “Jesus Christ! You are supposed to squat when you shit!” but the stupid wanker’s not listening to me, instead he’s texting on his cellphone and get this, he’s such a retard that he has to talk as he keys in the words and that’s how I knew he was typing some dumb crap bullshit and – Jesus! – you know how those nigger bitches in the states dick their kids royally by smoking crack when they’re pregnant, well I reckon that Billy’s whore slut of a mother must of been freebasing handy andy when she had him which is why he is such a cuntbrain anyway I was so taken in by the stupidity of what he was saying and writing that the bugger I was beating up managed to crawl away before I could even think about telling him not to deal P on my patch, it really pisses me off, no I was extremely fucked off when I noticed that he had pissed off so much that I said “Jesus Fucking Christ, Billy you stupid fuck, how much piss have you had?” which makes him turn around, I can still see his small cock so help me god, and sprout some crap through his teeth about how he only had two glasses of wine but he was extremely dehydrated from walking five hundred metres which is his way of telling me to get fucked so I decided right there and right then that I was going to kerbstomp the stupid bastard and just when I was about to put the boot in I realized that the gimp I was beating up had not only escaped but called the police on me and not only that the had a news camera with them and so that’s why I was live on national TV, about to do Billy wanker in all his bloody glory, saying “Oh Dear!”

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  20. DRHILL (121 comments) says:

    I give you Deadwood Swearing:

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  21. ropata (114 comments) says:

    Tribute to Malcolm Tucker’s brilliant swearing from IN THE LOOP.

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  22. Lutzie (56 comments) says:

    Swearing can b good but good swearing is better.
    Mark Twain described how a good writer treats sentences, whether foul or fair:
    “At times he may indulge himself with a long one, but he will make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it won’t be a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torch-light procession.”
    No danger of processions nor torchlight in the utterances above.
    The challenge then is to write something really GOOD using all those marvelous words.

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  23. Dominic Sheehan (2 comments) says:

    Impressive David. But you did cheat by not using ‘Jesus Fucking Christ’. As the nexus between blasphemy and sex-based swearing, JFC is a very different beast from ‘Jesus’ or ‘Jesus Christ’ or the use of any of the F-word based variations. It’s one of the phrases most complained about to the BSA (which is why we chose to add it to the list this time around).

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