Dim-Post on Nats welfare reform

August 22nd, 2011 at 12:43 pm by David Farrar

A cracker post from Danyl:

If elected to a second term the National Government will introduce a series of harsh reforms to the welfare system targeting Toby, a twenty year old unemployment beneficiary living in New Plymouth, Prime Minister John Key announced today.

The new policies directly target Toby’s lifestyle and will prevent him from staying up late and then sleeping in, playing Call of Duty on his playstation and wearing baggy clothing, Key told a regional National Party conference.

You know there would be votes in banning baggy clothing!

A task-force led by former Treasury Secretary Murray Horn will monitor the outcomes of the reforms over an eighteen month period, and he will also try and convince Toby’s girlfriend Amanda that she is too good for him and that Toby is probably cheating on her.

The Horn Inquiry is budgeted at $1.25 million dollars, a sum that has drawn criticism from opposition MPs. Mr Key defends the cost, saying, ‘The reality is, first, that if you want someone of the calibre of Murray Horn then you have to pay an internationally competitive rate, and secondly, Amanda has beautiful eyes and her photography of cemeteries and abandoned farm buildings are amazing. Just about anyone would be better for her than that douchebag.’

Heh.

Additional components of the package targetting Toby are:

  • Amendments to the Bill of Rights Act restricting Toby from wearing any non-elastic banded trousers, specifically preventing him from wearing hipsters that show off his disgusting, hairy, acne-covered buttocks.
  • A new WINZ department to enforce strict sleeping and waking schedule so that Toby is not lying around in bed when the rest of us are on our way to work, sitting in traffic or waiting for a bus in the rain. The actual enforcement of the schedule will be contracted out to community groups.
  • These groups will also replace the metalcore songs on Toby’s iPod with a selection of tunes from Tim Finn, The Feelers and Hayley Westenra

Danyl shouldn’t give the Government ideas while they are looking for new policy.

The Welfare Working Group was convened by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett to study , and it looked into Toby in 2010, and recommended that his benefit payments be transferred to a community based private welfare provider who would receive a bonus if they drilled holes in Toby’s head and poured sulphuric acid into his brain.

Key has rejected this option, and Ms Bennett has also distanced herself from the Working Group’s findings. ‘The National Party has made a commitment not to torture any young people to death during our second term in office,’ she told reporters at a Parliamentary press conference.

Only for the second term though!

The Labour Party has been reluctant to comment on the reforms, but vetern welfare activist Sue Bradford has slammed them as mindless and doomed to fail.

Bradford has also spoken out against Nationals’ reforms. ‘They also, are mindless.’

Oh, how subtle. I almost missed that.

Toby made a brief phone statement yesterday in which he insisted he knew nothing of the new reforms but intended to vote for John Key and National in the upcoming election. ‘I saw a photo of him hanging with [All Blacks hooker] Andrew Hore, who is an awesome dude.’ Toby explained. ‘Taranaki kicks ass.’

You have to wonder if Danyl invented Toby or met him?

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9 Responses to “Dim-Post on Nats welfare reform”

  1. berend (1,631 comments) says:

    The sad thing is that Danyl is very close to the truth. National is so chicken to target welfare reform at the few people who don’t vote, will cost far more than it ever will safe, is unimplementable, and it will make National voters feel good that “National is finally doing something.”

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  2. immigant (950 comments) says:

    ‘I saw a photo of him hanging with [All Blacks hooker] Andrew Hore, who is an awesome dude.’ Toby explained. ‘Taranaki kicks ass.’

    LOL!! Pure comedy gold!

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  3. ross (1,454 comments) says:

    I think Danyl’s made an error – it’s arse, not ass. We’re in NZ, not the US.

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  4. jaba (2,089 comments) says:

    maybe danyl is toby

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  5. jaba (2,089 comments) says:

    anyway .. toby will be ok, Andrew little is coming his way

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  6. lofty (1,303 comments) says:

    I am warming to Danyls musings.
    Very good.

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  7. Daigotsu (450 comments) says:

    Ah, the great socialist sense of humour. Danyl is as unfunny as ever.

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  8. seanmaitland (455 comments) says:

    Once again berend, you fail to grasp what is happening – if this is successful its pretty obvious its going to be rolled out with a much wider scope.

    You would have to be a total idiot to try and roll something like this out for all beneficiaries initally without even testing it first.

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  9. swan (659 comments) says:

    Seanmaitland what are you talking about? The minister herself has said that this type of policy is against national party principles for adult beneficiaries. So who else are they going to apply this to? Superannuitants with dementia?

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