General Debate 25 December 2011

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labours a joke

Merry Christmas. Tell me something. What ever happened to Peter Ellis ?
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December 25, 2011 8:04am
Steve

Milford Beach Reserve Xmas lunch. It was great. Asians, Maoris, Coconuts, Sth Africans, Pomgolians, Iti’s.
Cricket, Badminton, Volleyball. Yeah it was good.
I was the one wearing the ‘WhaleOil’ teeshirt cos DPF don’t have a “Kiwiblog’ teeshirt
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December 25, 2011 7:29pm
Griff

steve you promised jokes
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December 25, 2011 7:34pm
Steve

I did too.

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this

moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important

person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died

peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family

was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then

the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it’s funny.

Now send it on to someone else and make them smile.
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December 25, 2011 7:49pm
nasska

Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband and wife were
fragile indeed — badly hung over from a particularly wild party the
night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very
black coffee, our hero said to his wife, “Was it you I had sex with
in the garden last night?”

She struggled to bring him into focus. “About what time,” she replied.
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December 25, 2011 7:52pm
Griff

Bill Gates Goes to Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This
will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a
big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be
locked up forever.”
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by
starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful
young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on
which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees
a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this
option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the
room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best
place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole
in it and the girl hasn’t…”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

control alt delete
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December 25, 2011 7:53pm
Steve

Copy :,
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies “OK Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife “No, no boyfriend either.” “Do you have a partner then?” “No, I’m unattached; I’ll be having my baby on my own.”
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.” “Well,” replies the girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.” “Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.”
“Yes,” continues the girl, “there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.” At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Thank god for that!” “What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked. “Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!”
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December 25, 2011 7:54pm
Griff

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend.
“However”, he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you
to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The four nuns agree,
and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest
asks, “What did you do, Sister?” She replies, “I watched an R-rated
movie.” The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
“You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.”
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what
happened?” She says, “I was driving my brother’s car down the street
in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it.”
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, “You are
forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “Out with it. What did you do?”
She says, “Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street.”
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before
responding, “God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water.” She
leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her, “OK. What did you do that was so darn
funny?”
The fourth nun replies, “I peed in the holy water…”
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December 25, 2011 8:00pm
nasska

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Pasifikan men and one Pasifikan woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman..

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Pasifikan men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Pasifikan woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor, store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining..

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.
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December 25, 2011 8:09pm
Griff

A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll
learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk
about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off
another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that
is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about
it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a
friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her
and her mother’s conversation.
The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your
mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school.
It tells you everything.”
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you
are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know
that?”
The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much
you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a
divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
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December 25, 2011 8:15pm
Steve

A guy in a Volkswagen beetle pulls up next to a guy in a rolls royce at a stop sign.Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the rolls:-
“You got a phone in that rolls?”
The guy in the rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.”
“I got one too…See!”
“Uh-huh, yes,that’s very nice.”
“You got a fax machine in that rolls?”
“Why, actually, I do.”
“I do too, see its right here!”
“Uh-huh, Very nice.”
The light is just about to turn green & the guy in the VW says,”So do you have a double bed in the back there?”
And the guy in the rolls says,”NO! do you?”
“Yep, got my double bed right in the back here, see?”
The lights turn green and the VW takes off.
Well the man in the rolls is not about to be one upped,so he goes immediately to the customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the VW. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls up his rolls next to it.

The windows on the VW are all fogged up, and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified rolls and taps on the foggy window of the VW.
The man in the VW finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the rolls says,”Hey remember me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember you, What’s up?”
“Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.”

And the man in the Volkswagen says, “You got me out of the
shower to tell me that?!”
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December 25, 2011 8:26pm
Steve

@Griff 8.15

Yep. The joke will bypass some 🙂
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December 25, 2011 8:29pm
Griff

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to
death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up
his arms and yells “Let ye without sin cast the first stone!”
The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are
without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up,
picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the
eyes.
Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says,
“Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!”
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December 25, 2011 8:34pm
nasska

How to make your girlfriend look beautiful and have great sex.

For Rich Men:
1) Take her to a plastic surgeon.
2) Get him to give her the works: Boob job, tummy tuck, lipo, everything.
3) Take her out shopping; give her all the nice clothes she wants, have a fashion guru pick them out for her.
4) Take her to an expensive hair salon to get her hair done nicely.
5) Take her to a tanning booth to get a nice skin colour.
6) Take her to a spa, let her stay there for the weekend doing whatever women do here.
7) Consult experts on her optimum weight. Put her on a diet to obtain this weight.
8) Take her out to dinner. Afterwards, have rampant sex at a 5star Hotel.

For Poor Men:
1) Paper bag over head.
2) Fuck her brains out.
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December 25, 2011 8:39pm
Steve

You realise you are encouraging poor men to breed nasska? Paper bags will become the ‘in thing’
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December 25, 2011 8:43pm
nasska

Steve

At least ugly is better than fat…..you can always turn out the light.
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December 25, 2011 8:46pm
Griff

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension – Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
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December 25, 2011 8:56pm
nasska

One day, long ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a woman who didn’t bitch, moan, whine or nag… …
but it was far, far away and it was just one day.
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December 25, 2011 9:02pm
Manolo

An excellent article on today’s Iraq: http://www.weeklystandard.com/articles/iraq-lost_614757.html
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December 26, 2011 6:21am

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