Clarkson on NZ

March 18th, 2013 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Adam Dudding at Stuff reports:

Top Gear presenter has broken the habit of a lifetime and said something nice about a foreign country – namely .

Clarkson, who has referred to Mexicans as “lazy, feckless, flatulent” oafs, given a Nazi salute in an episode about BMWs, and labelled Australians “convicts”, raves about New Zealand in his column in today’s London Sunday Times.

New Zealand, he writes, is “absolutely stunning; bite-the-back-of-your-hand-to-stop-yourself-from-crying-out lovely”.

It is. I think we take what we have for granted sometimes.

With characteristic humility, Clarkson uses his newspaper column to advise God that he made a mistake when choosing the Middle East as his religious base.

“If you were God and you were all-powerful, you wouldn’t select Bethlehem as a suitable birthplace for your only child because it’s a horrible place.

“And you certainly wouldn’t let him grow up anywhere in the Holy Land.

“What you’d actually do is choose New Zealand.”

If God really were all-knowing, continues Clarkson, “children at Christmas time today would be singing ‘Oh little town of Wellington’ and people would not cease from mental fight until Jerusalem had been built in Auckland’s green and pleasant land.”

Perhaps the most startling compliment, however, is Clarkson’s claim that if God had got it right, “Jesus would have been from Palmerston North”, a stark deviation from the verdict of his countryman John Cleese, who once said the North Island city should be renamed “suicide capital of New Zealand” because “if you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick”.

Where would they find a virgin in Palmerston North?? 🙂

21 Responses to “Clarkson on NZ”

  1. hinamanu (1,446 comments) says:

    I remember when we used to be called Godzone . No more thanks to the Nat/Lab coalition

    Except to say we now a Muslim’s paradise

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  2. tvb (5,542 comments) says:

    We are far more insecure than the confident Aussies. We are constantly fishing for compliments even from Jeremy clarkson of all people.

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  3. kowtow (13,435 comments) says:


    You’re quite right. Our media is light weight and insecure. Like a silly girl ,always looking for compliments and then believing every piece of shit uttered by these inconsequential nobodies.

    I think the Cyprus issue far more important. As Bernard Hickey has pointed out today on his site,the same thing could happen here.

    However our media are obsessed with themselves ,celebrity and lowest common denominator type tripe, so these issues will never get the coverage they deserve.

    Maybe we get the media we deserve!

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  4. big bruv (15,617 comments) says:

    Oh FFS!

    A media star says nice things about NZ in a Sunday paper and that counts as news?

    What’s the bet that Clarkson’s real opinion of NZ is not that good, however given that he is a very smart man he knows that a few nice words to a nation of people suffering from an insecurity complex will see his programme reach the top ratings in NZ.

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  5. eszett (3,128 comments) says:

    Isn’t it lovely that as soon as someone says something nice about this country, the usuals suspect come out to shit all over it?

    I don’t think Clarkson gives much about ratings in NZ. His comments about Mexicans cost probably more in ratings than the entire audience in NZ.

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  6. barry (1,234 comments) says:

    Actually hes says fuck all about NZ. The article is all about him loosing his credit card and how that might result in his daughter getting raped in Africa………

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  7. emmess (1,856 comments) says:

    Shit, I would have expected Clarkson to let rip on the petty bureaucrats in the Kaitaia or was it Far North District Council.
    I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t.

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  8. EAD (3,983 comments) says:

    Spot on there Kowtow. Even titles like the Economist have been dumbed down considerably and are nothing more than mouthpieces for government and big corporations. Whenever I come back to NZ, the local news and paper are cringe worthy with the likes of the Herald and especially the SST being nothing more than property porn with a few puff pieces thrown in for infantile minds. I’ve never seen any article with the exception of one (by Chris Trotter of all people) questioning the monetary system of New Zealand. Ask 99% of Kiwis what fiat currency is and they would look at you like you’re a mad man.

    Bernard Hickey occasionally writes a thought provoking article but is stuck in the matrix of offering nothing but big government Keynesian solutions to problems caused by big government in the first case.

    All of my friends in Finance read Zerohedge (I’m based in London) – hands down the best financial/current events site in the world IMHO. I learnt more in my first 3 months reading ZH than 18 years reading NZ newspapers and websites. Their depth of coverage of the shocking events in Cyprus is unparalleled.

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  9. RRM (12,694 comments) says:

    Apparently he only consulted one Northland I Want It about their 90 mile beach car race plans, and the other I Want It in the area was getting all pissy in the newspapers because the mana of their bungabungawhenua wasn’t respected or some shit like that.

    Because apparently the I Want It are entitled to give their royal assent or exercise their right of veto or something.

    IWI = I Want It

    New Zealand’s royalty, just give them the respect that they are due. Don’t forget to pay Koha. And stop being so RACIST.

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  10. Grant Michael McKenna (1,168 comments) says:

    DPF asks, in riposte to the idea of Palmerston North as Nazareth, where one would find a virgin in PN; surely that would be the miracle?

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  11. Jack5 (9,492 comments) says:

    What if Clarkson was joking, being ironic, taking the piss – a civilised way of repaying criticism of his not having immediately obtaining all the many 90-mile Beach permissions?

    When people give over-effusive compliments, be on your toes.

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  12. Colville (3,135 comments) says:

    It would be possible to find a virgin in Palmy at this time of year… before all the first year scarfies have been put to the sword !

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  13. lazza (615 comments) says:

    Hey Dave … taste … less! … but regrettably so true.

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  14. RRM (12,694 comments) says:

    Colville – you’re not ‘Murray’ are you?

    He was Palmerston North too… he was more catapults rather than swords though.

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  15. ChardonnayGuy (1,618 comments) says:

    While I was doing postgrad at Massey, I found it depressingly easy to remain celibate for most of that period. Unfortunately, there’s a honking great gay demographic hole in the city’s population and a shortage of marriageable blokes of my age and requisite sexual orientation. I met my current spouse in Wellington, where they all seem to end up. So yes, PN virginity is possible, but you have to be a late thirtysomething/fortysomething gay man.

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  16. kowtow (13,435 comments) says:


    zerohedge.thanks ,I’ll give it a go.

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  17. Shunda barunda (4,204 comments) says:

    During my church days I was quite amazed that a lot of foreign Christians believed (and some very strongly) that NZ was a “prophetic nation” and would have a very important role to play in world affairs in the future.

    Clarkson may yet be right! 🙂

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  18. duggledog (2,394 comments) says:

    After the BBC wrote out the big cheque to keep the locals happy you can bet Clarkson and the team were well looked after in the Far North. The boys would have brought out the crayfish & snapper and probably the good weed too. Awesome times all round.

    Made me laugh seeing one iwi leader saying how pissed off they were that FNDC didn’t consult properly and then that other old Maori gent going on about how amazing it was to see them filming ‘it was like having an ice cream for the first time’. How transparent. More like: ‘Shit those English pounds that just dropped out of the sky are nice!’

    When visiting Dignitaries like Clarkson come here, they see parts of the country that look pretty splendid. Huka Lodge etc etc. They don’t get taken to Murupara, Clendon, Flaxmere, Otangarei, Moerewa, Wairoa or any of the many other ruined gang infested parts of NZ.

    Still – better than Afghanistan. At least Clarkson’s comments will bring in some more tourist dollars or rather pounds. We need them

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  19. EAD (3,983 comments) says:

    No worries Kowtow – ZH is great for calling the bulls**t we are fed from the MSM. It is the only website where I’d read the article in whole before reading any comments whereas most other sites the article is merely a reference point for the discussion by the readers.

    Kiwiblog (& Interest) is useful to keep up to date with NZ news (again via reading the commentary) from abroad. With the exception of perhaps Cactus Kate, NZ blogs tend to suffer from a lack of critical thinking skills and seldom leave you coming away from it saying “WOW, that is a really top drawer article”

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  20. PaulL (6,116 comments) says:

    ChardonnayGuy: if you’re gay, in your late 30s, and a virgin, you’re doing something wrong. Or you’re horrendously ugly. I thought one of the main benefits of being gay was having access to sexual partners who were as unfussy as you were.

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  21. ChardonnayGuy (1,618 comments) says:

    Paul L, mon frere. I’m not virginally challenged. However, it is one of the annoying facets of gaymaledom in NZ that men from their twenties to around fifties flock to large metropolitan centres. In the case of the benighted hamlet in which I was sequestered, this meant a shortage of blokes of marriageable age, and the lack of fussy fades as gaybos age. Sooner or later, you want to start nesting. Thus, Wellington!

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