Sex contracts

July 7th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Labour’s new policy is that if you have with someone, you need to prove there was consent, otherwise you are guilty of .

In anticipation no doubt of such insanity becoming law if wins, there is a site which offers contracts that you can get your partner to sign prior to sex. There’s one for women and men.

It’s very detailed, so you have an absolute defence in court, as to what has and has not been consented to. The kissing section is:

Consent yes/no to:

  • closed mouth kissing
  • open-mouthed kissing with lips 
  • open-mouthed kissing with tongue
  • light biting/nibbling
  • heavy biting/nibbling
  • kissed on the face and neck

It usefully also includes a check box saying that you will not hold the kisser responsible for hickeys :-)

The other sections are somewhat more explicit, so I won’t repeat them here. Highly amused though by being able to specify a maximum number of fingers :-)

If Labour’s don’t ditch their insane policy, I’m thinking the Young Nationals could print out these sex contracts, with a Labour Party logo, and distribute them around bars and nightclubs so people understand that if Labour get elected, you need to prove you are not a rapist if you have sex with someone.

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51 Responses to “Sex contracts”

  1. JMS (330 comments) says:

    Wait wait wait, we need to go through this list first!

    Have you got a pen that works?

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  2. wikiriwhis business (3,998 comments) says:

    Not applicable to gays of course.

    Heterosexual partners/spouses will duly be made by law to fill in forms concerning times, dates, places, positions and duration of sexual activity before proceeding

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  3. gump (1,647 comments) says:

    Here’s a classic Dave Chappelle comedy skit about this subject:

    http://www.cc.com/video-clips/jwmvxd/chappelle-s-show-love-contract

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  4. Don the Kiwi (1,754 comments) says:

    I wonder how much more insane they will become.

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  5. dime (9,972 comments) says:

    Roll like Dime – get a selfie the next morning before you turf her out. Make sure shes smiling. Upload to dropbox & onedrive and keep a local copy.

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  6. Armotur (34 comments) says:

    I suppose each filling out the form together could count as a form of foreplay. I guess you can add to the list as the activity progresses.
    Having said that what on earth is Labour thinking, this is as silly as Mallards Moa!

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  7. holysheet (387 comments) says:

    Wait until the first case goes to court and our dear leader, silent t, will get up and say he’s sorry again for being a man.

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  8. WineOh (630 comments) says:

    Likely to be yet another weapon in family courts and custody battles.

    And even worse, think of poor husbands around the world. Not only will they have to do the dishes and vacuuming before sex, they also have to make breakfast the next morning in case she cries rape.

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  9. ShawnLH (5,025 comments) says:

    Rape is a serious issue. Labour’s policy turns it into a joke, and like the anti-smacking law, seems calculated to turn innocents into criminals.

    Labour have clearly not given up their desire to engage in micro-managing peoples lives and engage in dangerous social engineering, without any thought of the consequences. This is what critics of Key on the Right seem not to understand. There is a real difference between National and Labour. National may be liberal in the small-l sense, but it does not have the hardcore ideological view that the State should be heavily involved in every aspect of peoples private lives.

    The lunatics in Labour have well and truly taken over the asylum.

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  10. RRM (9,919 comments) says:

    My advice to Labour: sex and travel!

    (f. off…)

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  11. stigie (1,183 comments) says:

    Bugger me…who the hell thought this up ….?…the rainbow branch of the Labour party ?

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  12. Tarquin North (297 comments) says:

    Getting married worked for me – Peter Davis is probably doing better with Helen than I am at home.

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  13. RRM (9,919 comments) says:

    Give us a kiss, Tarquin :-P

    http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1846/763/320/clark_thekiss1.jpg

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  14. itstricky (1,830 comments) says:

    Your posts on sex just end with awkwardly weird “jokes” – esp. For a man of your age (I presume). Surprised that the more blue blooded conservatives on here don’t attack you for being a “pipe smoking” liberal who is morally corrupting hard working tax payers. Just my perception though…. ….nothing intelligent to add to the Labour debate.

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  15. Yvette (2,819 comments) says:

    Is Trevor going to blindside this policy with moa comments?

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  16. dog_eat_dog (780 comments) says:

    itstricky – thinks having sex is ‘morally corrupting’.

    And who says puritanism is dead?

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  17. Fletch (6,387 comments) says:

    @Tarquin 4:49pm –

    Exactly. There is already a contract for this and it is called MARRIAGE.
    Back in the “olden days”, having sex outside of marriage was known as fornication and was frowned upon.
    That is where all sex belongs – in marriage.

    There can be no mistaking that the man and woman have begun a life-long contract and a vow to not have sex with anyone else. No need for any other arbitrary contracts.

    I am not suggesting that there is no such thing as rape in marriage – there can be, but as a whole, marriage is the best place for sex. You have not only signed a contract, but made a vow before all your friends and family.

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  18. ashishnaicker (21 comments) says:

    I guess some of you have not heard of marital rape. MARRIAGE can NOT be legally considered as a consent for sex if there is a risk of rape inside it. The consent forms are the best protection at the moment against false accusations.

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  19. ShawnLH (5,025 comments) says:

    “Bugger me…who the hell thought this up ….?…the rainbow branch of the Labour party ?”

    This along with Cunliffe’s sick apology for being male shows that he’s pandering to the extreme feminist wing of Labour. In fact, he’s pandering to the extremes of Labour on many issues.

    This party cannot be allowed to govern under current management.

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  20. Sir Cullen's Sidekick (890 comments) says:

    I think the defence in saying a Messiah style sorry namley – “I am sorry I had sex” could get you released…….

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  21. nasska (11,501 comments) says:

    On one of these forums a couple of years ago our legal expert F E Smith suggested much the same thing as Dime mentioned if anyone wanted to minimise the chances of someone yelling rape further down the track.

    From memory he proposed using a cellphone to record pre coital consent.

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  22. itstricky (1,830 comments) says:

    itstricky – thinks having sex is ‘morally corrupting’.

    Nup. I just think jokes about numbers of fingers on a public forum by a grown up, serious guy are a little “weird”. If this was Bebo with teenagers, or The Comedy Club, maybe not. I’m surprised conservatives don’t attack him. Daveo, I’ve a feeling we’re not in the Young Nats anymore…

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  23. Griff (7,696 comments) says:

    Kiwiblog
    DPF’s Kiwiblog – Fomenting Happy Mischief since 2003

    The humor is not proscribed by limits that you are comfortable with. The limits are DPF’s to make and he is a LIBERAL.

    There are lots of sheep around if you are uncomfortable with sex and woman ….itstricky…. when you have a small …..

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  24. adze (2,126 comments) says:

    Obvious troll is obvious (don’t feed)…

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  25. itstricky (1,830 comments) says:

    Didn’t say *I* was uncomfortable. I can double entrendre with the best of them (did you see what I did there?)

    I just think it’s a bit “weird” for lack of other words. Grown guy, public forum, serious topic, but posts twitter “fun sex facts” and jokes about fingers. Just “weird” – not uncomfortable nor disgusting nor vulgar. Just weird. That is all.

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  26. F E Smith (3,305 comments) says:

    Nasska, you have a very good memory, I did say just that!

    Have to say that, practically speaking, it is a very good idea, even without the Labour policy. And that is for both married people and non-married people.

    Can I make the suggestion that making a file note immediately afterwards confirming that the terms of the agreement were complied with and whether or not consent was withdrawn by either party during the act, and confirming compliance with that withdrawal of consent, might also be a good idea?

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  27. itstricky (1,830 comments) says:

    Troll? Que? Meh.. I’ve said my bit I’m off. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.

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  28. RRM (9,919 comments) says:

    I usually just tape everything, for the avoidance of all doubt. :-)

    The fletch no sex before marriage policy would work too.. but REALLY…!!!

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  29. itstricky (1,830 comments) says:

    Can I make the suggestion that making a file note immediately afterwards confirming that the terms of the agreement

    But darling, the other night was ‘Without Predjudice’….

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  30. big bruv (13,888 comments) says:

    I wonder if the poor young man found running naked through the streets of Haitaitai had a contract with Darren Hughes?

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  31. dad4justice (8,222 comments) says:

    Has Aunty Helen got a contract with Heather or Peter?

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  32. big bruv (13,888 comments) says:

    Who are you talking about D4J and what do you mean?

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  33. Northland Wahine (667 comments) says:

    This could only come from a politically party with a leader that has to apologise for being a man. Someone give him a tic tac to replace his balls.

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  34. Harriet (4,969 comments) says:

    LOL…….kiwi women don’t know if they’ve been raped or not anymore!

    If a women says ‘stop rape’ she is then telling the male to stop immediatly – whereas if she says ‘no’ it can then mean several things.

    It’s either rape or it’s not – there is no in between. You can’t say to the police “I’ve been raped” —– if you haven’t said to your attacker ‘stop rape!’ ——– saying ‘no’ is rubbish as it can be interrepted as something else.

    To stop all confusion – women are fair game, anything goes – until they say ‘stop rape!’

    In that way males, women, police and the courts, know exactly where everyone stands – it’s not rape till a women says ‘stop rape’!

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  35. jackinabox (776 comments) says:

    “The consent forms are the best protection at the moment against false accusations.”

    No they aren’t, these are.

    http://mobius-actioncam.com/

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  36. Igotta Numbum (463 comments) says:

    Yvette (2,654 comments) says:
    July 7th, 2014 at 5:03 pm
    Is Trevor going to blindside this policy with moa comments?

    He may suggest sex with moas as a way of propagating the species.

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  37. mara (784 comments) says:

    RRM @4.55 you should have put a “warning” on this post. I clicked onto the picture and now require fecking counselling! One cannot un see what one has seen without expensive professional help. Where do I send the bill?

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  38. Warren Murray (311 comments) says:

    Is this real?

    1984 comes to mind.

    Before reading other posts, I though that people who are happily married wouldn’t be exempt either. it’s nuts!

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  39. hj (7,011 comments) says:

    This Labour thing has lost all with working people /mainstream NZ. As Bryce edwards explained:

    “there is a wider disconnect between what he [David Cunliffe] said and what the wider public think. Among the Labour Party and liberal left in NZ there are two ideologies that are really important to them and that’s this ideology of identity politics and rape culture. Political threat lists or identity politics is where what you are (man or women, gay your ethnicity) is more important than what you say and do. Rape culture holds that collectively there is this misogynist attitude amongst males that enables others to rape and commit crime.”

    http://www.3news.co.nz/Panel-Willie-Jackson-Bryce-Edwards–Trish-Sherson/tabid/1348/articleID/351457/Default.aspx

    it seems to be a fault with MMP being up at the front (“green” and “labour”) and down at the back (bringing their own agendas along. Not having to sell themselves.

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  40. lolitasbrother (692 comments) says:

    God NZ would be fucked with that mad Cunliffe ,and they will be raped at the polling booth, long sad recovery and much counselling needed

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  41. Igotta Numbum (463 comments) says:

    mara (712 comments) says:
    July 7th, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    RRM @4.55 you should have put a “warning” on this post. I clicked onto the picture and now require fecking counselling! One cannot un see what one has seen without expensive professional help. Where do I send the bill?

    No tongue, you’ll recover.

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  42. goldnkiwi (1,304 comments) says:

    David probably has a contract with his wife, her as the dominant, him as the sub ;).

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  43. Meatloaf (196 comments) says:

    Why is Labour pushing it? If you can trace it, you can tax it. We have income tax, GST, ACC, oil tax, cigarette tax, alcohol tax, and rates. Labour also wants to bring in a sugar tax, so why wouldn’t they want to tax these consent forms. If the greens put an ETS tax on anything that uses power, why wouldn’t labour put a tax on these consent forms. If you don’t pay for those consent forms, you will be put in jail.

    Maybe this seems a bit far fetched, but in a few years they’ll probably find a way to profit out of it. So those who are stupid enough to vote Labour, need to be ready to pay. So that’s how they are going to pay for all of these expensive policies. Labour legalised prostitution, as it was black market, now they want to tax sex. Or is it me, who’s just thinking like this?

    Or maybe this is their way of growing the GDP of the economy without adding any real value to it. Sex has no monetary value, because there is nothing to trace it, yet.

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  44. Meatloaf (196 comments) says:

    In regards to the comment:

    ‘Can I make the suggestion that making a file note immediately afterwards confirming that the terms of the agreement
    But darling, the other night was ‘Without Predjudice’….’

    Without Predjudice means, that you retain all your common law rights, unless you specifically knew what you were agreeing to. That’s what without prejudice means. So if you signed a contract knowing full well what you are agreeing to, you are bound to that. So if you made an agreement to cut somebody’s hedge, with a trimmer they supplied, and part of the agreement was and all related activities, and they said to you oh you need to drive it to the repair shop.

    Technically it does relate to you trimming the hedge. But you had no idea, that was what was involved, and what if you don’t have a car? Without prejudice protects people who signed an agreement, where the other person intentionally put something in the contract which was not properly explained.

    So writing without prejudice would have absolutely no effect, on these contracts as the details are crystal clear.

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  45. adc (595 comments) says:

    are they really becoming the Labia party? Cun*lips is quite an appropriate name for the leader of such a party.

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  46. Jim (398 comments) says:

    If you weren’t “sorry for being a man” already then this policy will fix that for you.

    [Holysheet and Sir Cullen's Sidekick kinda beat me to the punch on the sorry line...]

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  47. ciaron (1,434 comments) says:

    Didn’t someone invent a condom a few years back that captured the finger prints of the opener and had a wee bit for them to sign?

    Labour – cumbersomely solving problems that were solved ages ago…

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  48. Psycho Milt (2,412 comments) says:

    Exactly. There is already a contract for this and it is called MARRIAGE.

    A claim conclusively refuted by legislation making rape within marriage a criminal offence. Still, nice Muslim attitude to marriage you’ve got going on there.

    It’s kind of depressing to read this post and realise that, for right-wing men, sex consists of stuff you do to somebody, and the only thing you can think of for seeing to it that you actually have permission for this doing of stuff to someone is to draw up a contract.

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  49. Ashley Schaeffer (487 comments) says:

    I feel sorry for my children who have to grow up in this asylum. If you vote Labour these days, you need your fucking head read.

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  50. Meatloaf (196 comments) says:

    Because of these sorts of things, I’m actually thinking about moving out of the country. Not necessarily now, but if things continue to go down the track there going, then when its practical to do so, I think I’m going to move. And don’t forget about the fact they want to ban sugar. Honestly the only way these people will wake up, is if enough skilled workers are ready to move elsewhere, and the reasons are specific enough.

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  51. stephieboy (3,057 comments) says:

    Meatloaf , whats your choice of destination to escape the debauchery ?

    Brunei ? Iran etc ?

    And Ashley Schaeffer you’d probably enjoy living under a Sharia based haven!

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