12 reasons cats suck

August 18th, 2014 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

I love but Elite Daily gives you 12 reasons to join the Gareth Morgan camp:

  1. The reason you even like cats in the first place is because of a parasite in your brain
  2. Cats who cuddle with you don’t actually love you
  3. The way cats do show their love is really creepy
  4. If you are alone with your cat and you die, he will eat you immediately
  5. Cats don’t like sweet things, which means they don’t like dessert, and everyone knows you can’t trust a dessert-hater
  6. Cats kill a hell of a lot of innocent animals for literally no reason
  7. Cats are irritating show-offs
  8. Cat poop could give you a fatal disease
  9. Cats’ purrs are manipulative
  10. Cats are f*cking stupid losers
  11. You know how when you like someone, you’re attracted to his scent? Well, cats hate your scent.
  12. Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Mussolini and Hitler were all afraid of cats

No 4 is the one that worries me!

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34 Responses to “12 reasons cats suck”

  1. metcalph (1,427 comments) says:

    Number 4 should be viewed in terms of funerary cannibalism (okay, anthropophagism) of a servant rather than anything sinister. The cat is actually paying you a great honour.

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  2. UrbanNeocolonialist (280 comments) says:

    #4: Meh, If you are dead then a shame to let all that meat go to waste.

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  3. Black with a Vengeance (1,807 comments) says:

    Our cat jumps in and out the bedroom window at least 5 times a night.

    Whats up with that ?

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  4. kowtow (8,208 comments) says:

    Curried cat?

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2727281/Bin-bag-cats-heads-close-Manchesters-Curry-Mile-Urgent-inquiry-launched-sickening-discovery.html

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  5. cha (3,935 comments) says:

    #13 – When you back the car in the stupid fuckers lie on the boot.

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  6. Lance (2,629 comments) says:

    #12
    Various despots and mass murderers were afraid of cats, and that makes cats bad?

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  7. Linvoice (15 comments) says:

    Our cat walks all over our new car – didn’t seem to do that to the old much earlier model car – what’s that about?

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  8. ShawnLH (4,483 comments) says:

    All cats are libertarians. Completely dependent on others but fully convinced of their own independence. ;)

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  9. Slipster (141 comments) says:

    #4: Eat you immediately? As in one go? Oh my, you must have one huge cat for that.

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  10. skyblue (209 comments) says:

    All cats are good for is being turned into a steering wheel covers after they depart the world.

    Although in Manchester, UK they have another use:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2727281/Bin-bag-cats-heads-close-Manchesters-Curry-Mile-Urgent-inquiry-launched-sickening-discovery.html

    ‘A bin bag containing severed cats’ heads was found dumped on a street near Manchester’s famous Curry Mile.’

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  11. Peter (1,690 comments) says:

    Cats are a right-wing animal. Independent(kinda), don’t suffer fools, always look cool.

    A dog is a socialist pack animal, slobbers a lot, and longs to be told what to do.

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  12. G152 (280 comments) says:

    Gareth or a cat as pet ??

    How is Gareth as a rat ter?

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  13. iMP (2,356 comments) says:

    As I type, a story on RNZ that dogs are being used to detect beast cancer by smelling human breath. Yup, cats can detect a can opener whirring. Meanwhile, this…

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  14. cha (3,935 comments) says:

    Cats are a right-wing animal. Independent(kinda), don’t suffer fools, always look cool.

    Unproductive with zero ROI.

    Farm dogs can cost thousands of dollars to buy, but how much return do they provide on the owner’s investment?

    A team from the University of Sydney veterinary school has come up with figures showing roughly a five-fold return on investment.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-08-17/study-sheds-light-on-wa-working-dogs-collies-kelpies-huntaways/5675578

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  15. mikenmild (11,247 comments) says:

    40 reasons to love cats:
    1.They purr.
    2.They are soft.
    3.They are better alarms than any snooze button or clock will ever be.
    4.They give you someone to talk to. Sometimes they even listen.
    5.They talk back.
    6.Their tails move to the beat of the music.
    7.They can eat the same thing every day and not complain.
    8.Wet noses.
    9.Fluffy tails.
    10.Head bonks.
    11.You can talk like a baby and not feel silly.
    12.You don’t have to take them outside to do their business.
    13.They never hog the remote.
    14.They won’t yell at you.
    15.They are good listeners.
    16.They know when you need a little extra cuddle.
    17.They can stay home alone all day and the house will be fine.
    18.They don’t need expensive toys.
    19.They smells like kitty, which smells so good.
    20.They’re independent.
    21.They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.
    22.Sometimes they start purring before you even pet them.
    23.That chirp when they see a bird or squirrel outside.
    24.They can turn almost anything into a toy.
    25.The way they stick one back leg in the air when they’re grooming, and then stop in midlick and just stare at you.
    26.Cats don’t judge.
    27.The Ancient Egyptians worshipped them. If you’re reading this, you probably still do today, too!
    28.That sideways, arched-back crabwalk thing they do.
    29.Every cat has a different meow.
    30.Without cats, YouTube probably would have gone out of business a long time ago.
    31.When they knead on your stomach, or any part of the body for that matter.
    32.How they fly through the air and twist and do crazy acrobatic moves to catch a toy.
    33.OMG A FEATHER!
    34.Cats are beautiful.
    35.That stretch when they first wake up from a long, comfy cat nap.
    36.Just looking at them can put you in a more relaxed mood.
    37.How their eyes get really big when they focus on something.
    38.Every cat has his own personality.
    39.They greet you at the door when you get home.
    40.A cat in the windowsill is a sign of a happy home.

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  16. KevinH (1,206 comments) says:

    Japan is a pet mad country, the pet food and accessory industry is worth millions. If your landlord doesn’t allow pets the Japanese have a solution:
    http://www.care2.com/greenliving/cat-cafes-in-japan-are-booming.html.

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  17. goldnkiwi (1,264 comments) says:

    I have 4 :). Of course I know that I am deluded about what has what lol.

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  18. stephieboy (2,707 comments) says:

    I love both dogs and cats but a bit more partial to cats.

    Why,?

    Maybe its because dogs have masters and cats have servants.

    Our moggie Lulu tucked up lazily on the lazy boy whilst Bow stays outside.

    Perfect Bliss.! ?

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  19. edward_l (14 comments) says:

    It’s worth keeping a cat just for the humour value.
    Like, giving it a rub when sitting on a chair, it’s so engrossed that it falls off.

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  20. box345 (45 comments) says:

    @ mikenmild 1:10 pm
    41st reason:

    41. The neighbours never complain about the incessant meowing.

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  21. mikenmild (11,247 comments) says:

    For some reason, animal control has only ever called me about the dog.

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  22. DJP6-25 (1,363 comments) says:

    mikenmild 1:10 pm. You’re not wrong.

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  23. Longknives (4,686 comments) says:

    Who was the guy on Kiwiblog that used to get drunk and threaten to kill our Cats with Anti-Freeze?
    Was that Gareth Morgan under an Alias?

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  24. nasska (11,189 comments) says:

    http://www.ooze.com/ooze13/cats.html

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  25. annie (539 comments) says:

    The cats and toxoplasmosis connection is a bit more subtle than was formerly believed.

    Yes, cats are the primary host of toxoplasma and yes, the organism is present in cat faeces. However, a couple of well-designed studies done in Europe showed no correlation between cat ownership and toxoplasma antibodies, but a strong correlation between the consumption of raw or undercooked meat and toxoplasma.

    The reason for lack of correlation with cat ownership seems to be related to handwashing and the fact that cats wash themselves – toxoplasma could not be isolated from the coats of adult cats in the study, though it could be from some kittens.

    tl;dr
    To avoid toxoplasma:
    1. Wash hands after handling kittens and cat litter
    2. Don’t ever eat salami, prosciutto, rare steak or pink roasted meat etc. Ever.
    3. No need for cat witch-hunt.

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  26. annie (539 comments) says:

    List written by someone who knows nothing about cats. Dessert-haters? Not likely.

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  27. hj (6,871 comments) says:

    Gareth Morgan makes those mouth pieces for various vested interests look a bit jaded doesn’t he. It must be embarrassing for them.

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  28. RossM (40 comments) says:

    >4.If you are alone with your cat and you die, he will eat you immediately

    So will your dog.

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  29. goldnkiwi (1,264 comments) says:

    Doubt if you could get a cat to suck. Lick maybe, if you are lucky. ;)

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  30. edward_l (14 comments) says:

    RossM, not before it licks all your hair into nice even rows, only then might it have a nibble.

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  31. Lucia Maria (2,282 comments) says:

    Only no 12 might be true.

    I know no 5 is totally wrong – my cat loves ice cream. Also, no 11. My cat loves my husband’s shirts after he’s worn them. Really gets into sniffing the armpits. And no 6, all those so called “innocents” kill other animals. When there’s a rat about, who do you want by your side? A cat or a bird? I rest my case.

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  32. Bad__Cat (140 comments) says:

    MM – (No. 14 They won’t yell at you.)
    You’ve obviously never heard my Lulu, who’s an Oriental ;-)

    Note “my” does not denote ownership here, but is used as in “my supervisor”, or “my flatmate”

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  33. Rowan (2,074 comments) says:

    This list is just completely ridiculous, of the various points only 12 may have any truth behind it but so what.
    8 maybe if you ate it but you would have to be pretty f…ing stupid to do so!!

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  34. ChardonnayGuy (1,197 comments) says:

    H.P. Lovecraft’s Cats of Ulthar are apparently planning to flashmob Gareth Morgan… ;)

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