If parties were beer

August 25th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Grant McDougall at Public Address has a blog on which each party might be. His picks are:

  • National – Tui
  • Labour – Monteith’s
  • Greens – Emerson’s
  • United Future – Rheineck
  • NZ First – Lion Brown
  • ACT – Budweiser
  • Internet-Mana – Boundary Road
  • Maori – DB Draught
  • Conservatives – Steinlager Lite

His explanations for each are amusing.

United Future is most hard done by. I recall Rheineck, but not fondly.

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50 Responses to “If parties were beer”

  1. Pete George (23,683 comments) says:

    Some of it is clever but it’s fairly left slanted.

    I don’t see National as Tui at all, more like DB Export. Labour is an insult to Monteiths.

    And Emmersons for Greens? No way. Another Dunedin brewery is more appropriate, although it might be a bit sexist for them – Green Man. DB Green would be a bit too common for them.

    Jabberwocky sounds a bit closer.

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  2. Psycho Milt (2,419 comments) says:

    Ooh, that’s harsh on the Nats – still, tough but fair. Can’t agree with him re the Greens, though – the Greens are a long way from the level of awesomeness embodied by Emerson’s.

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  3. iMP (2,422 comments) says:

    Labour. Glass half full, beer is flat, and its always someone else’s shout.

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  4. Pete George (23,683 comments) says:

    Labour – Lyin’ Red.

    Conservatives want things to go back to how they were fifty years ago – two big brews that segregated drinkers according to their preference.

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  5. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    Grant McDougall needs to expand his beer knowledge.

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  6. David Garrett (7,541 comments) says:

    Mildly amusing…Mild…geddit?

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  7. goldnkiwi (1,530 comments) says:

    I hope the breweries object to ‘their names’ being associated with politics when they do not associate them themselves.

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  8. Pete George (23,683 comments) says:

    Andrew Geddis makes a good observation about ACT/Budweiser:

    That’s because it’s imported, tasteless, has an icky flavour and very difficult to stomach.

    Tasteless and with an icky flavour! Act just can’t win, can they?

    And Rich of Observationz:

    What you’re saying is that all our parties, without exception*, are owned by huge foreign multinationals who do their best to obfuscate this through layers of flag-wrapping.

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  9. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    I thought the Greens would be Victoria Bitter, although I’m not sure exactly where in Oz Norman came from.

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  10. Zapper (1,027 comments) says:

    The Greens wouldn’t be VB. VB is for the working class not academics who think they know better.

    The only correct option for the Greens was Duff alcohol free beer (credit: The Simpsons). Good for the wowsers who like to control the enjoyment of other people, but ultimately pointless and not remotely related to what it pretends to stand for.

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  11. johnwellingtonwells (137 comments) says:

    Labour is more like DB Radler – they pinched the name from this german style of beer, registered the brand to stop any other NZ brewer from making a german-style radler beer

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  12. anonymouse (721 comments) says:

    Hmm, Not sure the Greens would appreciate the Emersons tag,
    Sold out in 2013 to Lion for $8 million, ultimately now a subsiduary of Japanese beer behemouth Kirin…

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  13. Captain Pugwash (98 comments) says:

    Can you still get Rheineck? It brings back memories of 1987, and not pleasant ones at that!

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  14. blackdognz (1 comment) says:

    Labour – Moa ?

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  15. dubya (243 comments) says:

    I would have thought the Greens would be a gassy Australian Bitter and if we’re doing wine, a Fat Bird Chardonnay.

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  16. Keeping Stock (10,426 comments) says:

    The NZ First connection with Lion Brown is an oldie, but a goodie.

    And the Labour beer should be the long-gone Leopard Beer; it tasted dreadful, and the “changing spots” analogy fits Mr Cunliffe perfectly :D

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  17. David Garrett (7,541 comments) says:

    KS: Yes, leopard!! Dreadful shit…contributed to me not liking beer at all until I went to Europe and found it didn’t all taste like DB, Lion Brown, or leopard lager…

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  18. James Stephenson (2,225 comments) says:

    No, no, no. The Greens aren’t beer, they’re cider. Popular for years with scruffy people with dogs on strings, and those who compost their own poos, now trying to appeal to a more sophisticated market. Well known to leave you unsteady on your feet and with a crashing headache when combined with beer as a snakebite.

    Think on New Zealand. Labour + Greens + Internet Mana is a Snakebite & Black*, and really when has one of those *ever* been a good idea?

    *as in “currant”, leaving you with a radioactively purple tongue, not a reference to anyone’s skin colour, ok?

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  19. RRM (10,018 comments) says:

    I guess that’s what a really hardcore, twisted-out-of-shape leftist sounds like when he’s trying to be funny?

    My picks:

    National = Tui.
    Best bang for buck by far, not strong enough or hoppy enough for hardcore beer connoisseurs, theoreticians or tossers, but it gets the job done and it’s the only sensible, cost-effective product you’d want to consider for an extended session on the piss… say 9-15 years if not more.

    Labour = Lyon Rouge.
    It’s what the working class used to live on, back when they had no alternative. But people are waking up to the fact that it’s just rubbish.

    Greens = Heineken.
    No substance to back up the claims on the glossy green label… just Over-rated, over-hyped, VERY over-priced, tasteless rubbish. For some unfathomable reason, a lot of people in town seem to not only drink this shit, but LOVE it…??

    NZ First = Mac’s Gold
    This used to be considered very good, but times have changed…

    Conservative = Hallertau Stuntman 9%
    according to the trainspotters, this is the best of the best, exactly what you SHOULD be drinking, and SHOULD be liking, the one that broke the mould, the one that makes everything else look piss weak by comparison. Unfortunately it just tastes like shit to most people…

    Maori Party = Boundary Road
    This is actually pretty fkn good, much better than its moderate-to low price and moderate-to-low marketing profile would have you believe.

    Internet Party = Stella Artois
    Dirty fucking wife beater sounds classy if you give it a European name, and export it to somewhere far, far away from Europe! But it’s still dirty fucking wife beater.

    Mana Party = Flame beer.
    This is just another shitty lowest common denominator beer from DB, they’ve just put a new logo on the front of it. You feel like you need a shower afterwards.

    United Future = Lager Top
    I’ll have you know it’s NOT a shandy! It’s actually VERY sensible…

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  20. labrator (1,850 comments) says:

    @RRM nailed it. Much funnier than Grant’s version which couldn’t glow any brighter about the Greens…

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  21. Elaycee (4,408 comments) says:

    Andrew Geddis makes a good observation about ACT/Budweiser: That’s because it’s imported, tasteless, has an icky flavour and very difficult to stomach.

    If the quote is accurate, it just confirms Prof Geddis should stick to something he knows something about (whatever that may be)…. Three different Budweiser brands (Bud / Bud Light / Brahma) are in the list of Top 10 beers sold (by volume in 2013).

    I suspect ACT would welcome the ‘comparison’…. :P

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  22. James Stephenson (2,225 comments) says:

    United Future = Lager Top
    I’ll have you know it’s NOT a shandy! It’s actually VERY sensible…

    Gold. Complete 24ct gold!

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  23. Longknives (4,868 comments) says:

    So the Gweens are ” outstanding product with much depth and made by some very clever, genuine, talented people.”??
    Grant McDougall needs his head examined.
    Emersons is artsy shite that tastes like crap anyway…Like most ‘trendy’ New Zealand craft beers..

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  24. anticorruptionnz (215 comments) says:

    Independents would be Boutique – rare and palatable

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  25. Colville (2,300 comments) says:

    Budweiser / canoe sex / fucking close to water!

    I would have put Nats as Heineken (average and over priced) and the Morri Party as Liion Red, wasnt that Jake the Musses drop?

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  26. RRM (10,018 comments) says:

    :oops: Oops, can’t believe I forgot ACT…

    ACT= Sapporo (the big 650ml shiny can, not the bottles.)

    Great taste, clean finish, better than over-hyped euro lagers by a mile, but somehow it’s a bit underwhelming too, and the experience never quite lives up to the promise that that amazing shiny can offers.
    Absolutely zero effort goes into marketing it, and it is almost invisible in the market, you have to hunt for it at the supermarket. So the only people who drink it are those who are already determined to drink it…

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  27. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    I think the Aoteoroa Legalise Cannabis Party deserves a mention. – Pernicious Weed by Garage Project?

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  28. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    Independent candidate for Helensville…Parrot Dog – Bitter Bitch.

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  29. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    Grace/ anitcurruptionnz- I think you deserve better, so I’d pick Kereru’s For Great Justice

    (edited to split into two comments)

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  30. Rex Widerstrom (5,354 comments) says:

    What about parties as drugs?

    National: Opiates. At first they give you a relaxed feeling and you believe you can remain in control. But next thing you know you’re selling your assets to pay for it, and that nice man who let you have it on tick has disappeared and there’s a nasty woman banging on your door threatening to break both your legs. She seems to be accompanied by a Maori family to whom she’s given the deeds to your house. And there’s a shady looking bloke fishing through your garbage and taking photos of your credit card statements.

    Labour: Speed. The harder you work, the costlier the drug seems to become, and there’s never anything left in the pay packet at the end of the week. So you work harder and you feel like you’re getting heaps done, but then you wake up and find that all you’ve actually done is shaved the cat and are now living with it in a cardboard box. You have vague recollections of a nightmare in which your dealer was chasing you while waving round dead fish and begging you to keep buying, but he seems to have disappeared and the new guy looks like the kid whose head you used to flush down the toilet at school but seems to be speaking to you in a Polynesian accent.

    United Future: Snuff. You have no idea why anyone was ever interested in it, and the only person you’ve ever seen pictured using it is some dopey looking toff with an Edwardian quiff and ideas from two centuries ago.

    New Zealand First: Roll-your-owns. You’re old and poor and you’re stained a funny yellow colour (but that could just be the pee) but you’ll be damned if you’ll give up your obnoxious habits. A lifetime of tobacco and racism haven’t done you any harm, and besides, your dealer gives you good tips on the horses.

    Internet Mana: Some bizarre party drug that’s been made in a pot last used to boil a huge pair of German underpants, so that everything reeks of it. The formula keeps changing to suit the moment, and you never have any clear idea what’s in it. You black out for hours at a time and when you come to, you have a memory of having been at the Nuremburg rallies. When you dared to ask what they put in the stuff, some bag lady with a birds nest for a hat started yelling at you and calling you a shit. Every time you go to your dealer’s place there seem to be a lot of Maori people standing around trying to look staunch, but you can tell they’re as bewildered as you as to what the hell is going on.

    Greens: They keep assuring you that it’s all primo heads, man, but every time you fall for it and get the bag home it’s full of grass clippings and twigs. The weird thing is, they all smoke the same thing and have convinced themselves of its potency. You’ve concluded there’s actually nothing there at all, and if any of them were separated from the herd they’d suddenly realise it too. But the really weird thing is that they make you take your shoes off before coming inside, and have signs everywhere like “only use your own tofu” and “please wash your hands… by law”, which kind of kills the whole vibe.

    Conservatives: An annoying reedy guy keeps doing knee bends and telling you how he’s “high on life, but not actually high, goodness me… heh heh”. You notice he never blinks. There’s a ramshackle old man in the corner who keeps muttering to himself about “damn lawbreakers” and occasionally yells at people to get off his lawn, even though there’s no one there. You notice he keeps sighting you down a rifle barrel and muttering “bang… that’ll show ‘em”. You decide not to stay long enough to work out who the woman is who seems to be simultaneously channelling Elena Ceaușescu and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

    More later, if I have time…

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  31. RightNow (6,995 comments) says:

    I’ll have a Jeffrey please Rex.
    Who could be scared of a Jeffrey?

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  32. dad4justice (8,311 comments) says:

    Thank God good ole Speights wasn’t matched to any of those parasitic scum of the earth politicians.

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  33. iMP (2,422 comments) says:

    A Claytons anyone? Cosgrove Premium brewed with little Labour from the waters of the Waimakariri.

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  34. iMP (2,422 comments) says:

    Internet Dotcom. “Southern Comfort.” Not exported to the USA. Bitter Corkery.

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  35. CharlieBrown (1,027 comments) says:

    Here is my list:

    National – DB Drought – bland, tasteless, will never change a thing but always tastes better than DB Bitter
    Labour – DB Bitter – tastes like a slightly off DB Drought, unions love it, and for some reason some DB Drought drinkers like to swap to this every 6 – 9 years.
    Greens – Apple Cider – tastes revolting, unions won’t go near it but is a fad that some wealthy intellectuals seem to be going through. Also leaves you with a massive hangover.
    United Future – Ranfurly – A cheaper less sophisticated version of DB Drought
    NZ First – Lion Brown – A beer that you think will stop being made but somehow its still here.
    ACT – Monteiths – A great beer that made it on its own but sold out to DB and lost its gloss. It is slowly making a comeback
    Internet-Mana – Scrumpy’s – similar to other Apple Cider’s but it is drunk by students and poor people and really leaves you fucked.
    Maori – Moa – a maori sounding beer that is going no-where.
    Conservatives – Ginger beer – not a real alcoholic drink at all.

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  36. Elaycee (4,408 comments) says:

    Independents would be Boutique – rare and palatable

    Nah…. independents would be more like the old Harleys brew from Nelson.

    Tiny consumer support. Can only be taken in small quantities. Leaves an awful after taste. Unlikely to gain consumer acceptance.

    Sorted! :D

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  37. Igotta Numbum (465 comments) says:

    Greens – Fosters – Russell Norman, enough said.

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  38. TimG_Oz (865 comments) says:

    Internet Mana cannot be a Beer. They must be Methylated Spirits

    Toxic as fuck and only drunk by the deranged, so addicted that they need to ingest pure hate.

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  39. Sublime (295 comments) says:

    Labour – hoary old recipe; largely unchanged since the 80s, has had a couple of unsuccessful marketing/touch-up campaigns, does achieve the desired effect (gets you pissed), but is decidedly unpleasant and will gift you a lengthy, unavoidable hangover. Also – not cheap!

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  40. Milk Me (157 comments) says:

    I would have thought that National would have been Steinlager,
    Extremely popular with a few, tolerated by many who are to afraid to try something else, lest they might like it.
    Be warned however, is a vile chemical concoction masquerading as beer that when over indulged in will leave you with a suicide inducing headache, an empty wallet, no memory and deep regrets. Best avoided if you value your personable well being.

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  41. IGM (523 comments) says:

    MM: You must be a associate of the Public Dog. Your comments are aligned to The Standard, not a decent site such as this, and you ooze the usual envy of a leeching bludging Labour/Green loser. Suppose you are either a beneficiary or a public servant; you sure as hell would be unemployable, and too gutless and thick to be in business.

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  42. johnwellingtonwells (137 comments) says:

    If MPs were beer
    Gerry Brownlee – Stout
    Jacinda Arden – Old Speckled Hen
    Andrew Little – DB Bitter
    Ruth Dyson – Uncle Stan’s Homebrew (above the legal alcohol limit)

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  43. Milk Me (157 comments) says:

    You IGM (Ignorant Gormless Moron), are 100 % wrong. But I’m sure you are used to being that.

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  44. ChardonnayGuy (1,215 comments) says:

    This reminds me of an hilarious anti-Queenslander joke once told to me

    Advert: “XXXX…it’s how we spell beer in Queensland!”*
    NSWelshperson: “Hah! Knew it! The bastards *are* totally inbred and illiterate!!!”

    *Popular Qld beer brand
    ;)

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  45. NeillR (351 comments) says:

    Labour would be Budweiser, surely? “what’s Budweiser and having sex in a canoe got in common? They’re both f**king close to water”. :)

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  46. Milk Me (157 comments) says:

    Why is Labour close to water? I don’t get it. Please explain.
    I would have expected National to be closer to water, sinking ship and all.

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  47. tom hunter (5,083 comments) says:

    … will leave you with a suicide inducing headache, an empty wallet, no memory and deep regrets.

    So you have voted for Labour-Green in the past!

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  48. Milk Me (157 comments) says:

    Fantastic deduction Tom. But WRONG. BAAAAAAAARRRRBH.

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  49. Batman (103 comments) says:

    Keeping strictly to beer brands and not attempting to be unbiased at all, in the name of comedy!

    National – Heineken: drunk by the working man who aspires to a better life for his family. Is a bit bland but goes down well on a hot day.

    Labour – Craft Beggers (any variety): a complete lie of a product. pretends to be a craft beer but is mass produced and basically lacking any positive features

    Greens – Stella Artois: as mentioned above, imported and pretending to be of a better moral standard than others, but actually just tastes like shit and costs far too much for what it is. also a very angry drink.

    NZ First – Lion Brown: about as ‘old New Zealand’ as you can get, it symbolises everything that was wrong with us back in the day. Tasteless, bland, proper ingredients replaced by sugar and molasses due to government restrictions back in the 1940’s.

    Maori Party – Waikato Draught: Has been around a while in various forms but is ultimately a very niche product drunk only by a select few in the regions.

    United Future – Amstel Light: very similar to Heineken but essentially a lightweight version of, less taste & less strength.

    Mana – Lion Red: has a support base in Auckland and Northland but isn’t seen or consumed outside of those areas. It is almost undrinkable unless you are already 12 Stella’s in and looking to get into a fight….

    Act – Emerson’s: a series of fundamentally good ideas but badly executed. distinct tastes and flavours which do work, but 95% of the population think you’re a weirdo.

    Independent Coalition – Carlton Stripe: basically DOA.

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  50. BlairM (2,364 comments) says:

    Budweiser is actually a pretty decent lager. Sure, there are better ones out there, but it’s not the worst one by a long shot. In fact, I would drink Budweiser over Steinlager, Heineken, Tui, Speights, Export Gold, or any number of those horrible brands of dishwater NZers like to call beer.

    Apart from a tendency to use too much hops, American beer leaves NZ beer for dead.

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