Blair on Rudd as UN Secretary General

Tim Blair looks at what Kevin Rudd could achieve as UN Secretary General:

He’s the man who within just three years turned Labor’s election landslide into a government-shattering civil war. He’s the man who handed Australia’s massive budget surplus to Wayne Swan. He’s the man who tried to counter global warming with a household insulation program that burned down more than 100 houses. He’s the man who attempted to save money with a grocery watch website that ended up costing Australians more than $4 million. He’s the man who introduced humane refugee policies that killed more than 1000 refugees.

In the field of outstanding incompetence, is your gold medal winner every single time. Let’s imagine the outcomes if UN secretary-general Kevin takes charge of the world’s current major issues.

South China Sea dispute

Master diplomat Kevin personally conducts negotiations between China and the Philippines over disputed sovereignty claims. The situation is resolved amicably when China agrees to cede ownership of the area in exchange for erasing the Philippines with thermonuclear weapons.

Brexit

Britain’s exit from the European Union is causing global financial anxiety. This is a job for Super Kevin! After just three days of top-level talks, Britain not only re-affirms its Brexit vote but commences an ambitious military campaign aimed at restoring complete dominion over India, Australia and the US.

North Korea

A bewildered Kim Jong-un wakes to reports that a pale, circle-headed Australian man is standing in the middle of Pyongyang with a hand-written sign reading: “Hey, fat boy! Stop all the missile tests or no more McNuggets for you!” South Korea is subsequently ruled uninhabitable for the next 40 years due to radioactive fallout.

European refugee crisis

The Middle East becomes overrun with German, French, Belgian and Swedish refugees following Rudd’s pan-European “justice and tolerance” pact, co-signed by Syrian and Afghan community leaders in between their various sexual assault trials.

NSW greyhound ban

In Caracas, Rudd refuses to explain how he simultaneously solved the problem of surplus greyhounds in NSW and also Venezuela’s critical meat shortage. “Let’s just say it all worked out for the best,” the secretary-general smirks, gnawing on an elongated tibia bone.

Islamic State

“Please, we beg of you, stop helping,” pleads a Vatican delegation after a fifteen-word text message from Rudd somehow leads to Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi being elected Pope.

It is obvious the Australian Government don’t really think Rudd would be a good Secretary-General, but feel obliged to nominate him as a former Australian PM.

The way of out their dilemma is to do what Republicans have done with Trump. Say you’ll vote for him but don’t endorse him!

UPDATE: According to Trans-Tasman this is what Australia will do. Julie Bishop is going to nominate him but not endorse him!

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