Kiwiblog

Midnight in Moscow, at Circa, is a lively story of love, loyalty and politics. It is set in the NZ Embassy in the USSR in 1947. At times it is a bit like a murder mystery, but instead of working out who was the killer, it is more who was the spy?

You also get intrigued by whether that gay man and the young girls’ blossoming friendship may in fact be something for her aunt to worry about. Will the wife find out her husband’s affair with the mistress of Boris Pasternak?

There is of course a political theme to the play, as expected from playwright Dean Parker. Young Madeleine (played by Chelsea Bognuda) have a naive appreciation of the wonders of the worker’s paradise. Her aunt, and head of mission, June (Carmel McGlone) lays out the reality of what the Soviet Union was really about – political prisoners and repression.

Other embassy staff have some surprising views, which reveal themselves during the play.

The star of the show for me was Gavin Rutherford as the witty, urban, flamboyant and promiscuous Kit. His character provides many of the laughs. he provides the signature quote from E M Forster “If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country”. Stephan Papps also excels as Boris Pasternak.

Jon Pheloung and Jessica Robinson play husband and wife Hugh and Sophie. Hugh is helping the famous Boris Pasternak  translate Doctor Zhivago into English, and also having an affair with Boris’ mistress Olga (Miranda Manasiadis). Hugh’s character is based on NZ diplomat Patrick Costello, who was suspected of being a Soviet spy. The debate continues today as to whether he was. For my 2c I think he was.

There is a chilling moment when Pasternak gets a phone call from Moscow, and it turns outs to be Stalin himself. This is of course based on real life, and I’d encourage people to read the awful treatment of Pasternak and other authors under the USSR.

Photo by Stephen A’Court

Parker has crafted a very clever play that shows how awful the USSR was (and certainly was not an apologist for it as a Herald review suggested). There were also some lovely moments such as when the three female staff rehearsed for their role in The Mikado, bing out on by the British Council.

I enjoyed the play, but I did have a couple of criticisms.

The set was very well done, but I found the suits worn by the men (especially Kit) did not look anything like the 1940s. They looked like very modern suits. Maybe I’ve been spoilt by how well shows like Mad Men get the look and feel of an older era so well, but the suits did jar with me, as not fitting into the era.

Another minor point was the idea that a woman would be head of delegation in 1947. I know of course that a play is fiction, but again it made it harder to get into the play. The best plays are where you forget it is a play, and you are one the edge of your seat wondering how it will all end.

I also like a play that grabs your attention at the beginning, and found the opening monologue didn’t quite do that. Also the poetry scene with Hugh and Pasternak went on a bit too long for my simple tastes. The play lasted two hours 15 minutes (plus a 15 minute interval). I thought the first half dragged on a bit and could have been shorter or brisker. The second half though was much more enjoyable, and overall was a very good production.

John Smythe at Theatreview has also reviewed the play. It runs at Circa One until Saturday 8 June.

UPDATE: I am informed that in fact the head of delegation in 1947 was indeed a woman, so wasn’t NZ progressive!

NBR reports:

Telecom’s IT services unit, Gen-i has sold Davanti Consulting in a management buyout.

The deal involves 80 staff. Telecom won’t reveal the price but a spokeswoman told NBR Onliine it is “not material.”

Telecom has signed a conditional agreement to transfer ownership of Davanti Consulting’s New Zealand operations to Davanti principal consultants Justin Hamilton, Matt Farrar and Robert Carter.

The transaction is expected to settle on 31 May.

After the deal closes, Gen-i and Davanti will continue to partner, with Davanti staff working from Gen-i’s premises in Auckland and Wellington.

Davanti was founded in 2007 as a division of Gen-i. It works with organisations across private and public sectors, providing strategic advice, business transformation, industry knowledge, and the design and delivery of cloud-based applications. Its website lists the Ministry of Justice, TVNZ, Fulton Hogan and ACC among its clients.

Matt and his partners set Davanti up six years ago within Gen-i. They’ve grown it from what was just the four of them, to an 80 person trans-Tasman business. And now they get to own it also.  There’s an incredible feeling (and responsibility) of owning your own business. Welcome to the club brother

As I previously blogged my previous laptop was near death and I had decided that it was time to go back to the Mac, and buy an Apple MacBook Air.

However despite walking into the local Apple store with my credit card ready to buy a Macbook Air, I walked out without one. Here’s why.

Any change of operating system will be a challenge, but I was prepared to make the change in order to get a lovely Mac. But I had one major thing I needed to check, which is how my existing work documents would work on a Mac.

Over the last decade I have set up templates in Access, Excel and Word which save me hours of work every night. Some of them have taken scores and scores of hours to set up, but they now mean I can copy and paste data in and get dozens of pages of tables and graphs near-automatically.

So what I just wanted to do was check how some of my existing files and templates would work on a Mac, using Office for Mac. In theory they should be okay, but I couldn’t risk not actually checking as if they did alter the templates it could means weeks of work for me.

So I headed down to the local specialist Apple store, Yoobee, with a few files on a memory stick. I found a nice Macbook Air, and couldn’t wait to buy it. I just needed to check out how my files would work on it.

I asked the assistant if I could check my files on one of their Macs. He replied that they do not have Office for Mac installed on any of their computers. In fact they didn’t even have a copy anywhere in the store. I was somewhat staggered that they would not have a single copy of MS Office in the store, considering that there are around one billion users of it world-wide.

But I didn’t give up. I was aware that you can runs Macs in emulation mode, where they can run Windows within the Mac. This would allow you to run MS Office for Windows on the Mac if necessary. Not my preference as I’d prefer not to have to be using it in dual use mode, but I wanted to see how easy it was to do.

But again Yoobee told me that I couldn’t even see how a Mac works in emulation mode, as none of them have a copy of Windows installed – and there was none in the office.

Again I was somewhat staggered. Surely they want to attract people over from buying Windows laptops, and being able to demonstrate you could still run Windows programs on a Mac would be a major part of that.

I started to consider maybe I’d just buy a Mac and not use emulation mode at all, and use native Mac programs. But I knew there was no MS Access for the Mac, so I asked about Filemaker Pro. I could recall using it many years ago, and wanted to check how its functionality compared to Access.

But for a third time I was out of luck. They didn’t even have a copy of Filemaker Pro in the store, for me to try out.

I came to the conclusion that Yoobee had no interest at all in winning people over from Windows to Mac. They were set up only to sell Macs to people who had already decided to buy a Mac, and only had to decide which model to buy. Because they didn’t have any of the basics right, I walked out of the store with no purchase despite being 98% keen to purchase when I walked in.

This is no criticism of the staff, who were very helpful. They don’t decide what software is kept in store. I’m not sure who owns the store, but as I said they seemed set up only to sell to people who are already Mac users – which is ignoring 80% of the market.

Maybe I would have been better going to a general computer store, rather than the specialist Apple one.

Anyway the end result was that I didn’t get a Mac, and headed down the road to get a very nice new Sony Vaio S Series 13 P. Maybe I’ll end up going to a Mac in three or four years time when I next need a new laptop. But only if I can find a store that actually is set up to win people over.

There was just no way I was going to risk 10 years of my business by making a leap in the dark to a new computer system, when I have not been able to test it for compatibility.

Well, the debate finished at 9.30 pm last night, but the celebrations carried on much longer. I got home at 4 am and finished the night with a quarter pounder at McDonalds – my first one in around a year and a half! It was badly needed to soak up the alcohol – and oh yeah it tasted great! Fuck, I’ve missed them

It is hard to put into words how much joy and happiness there was last night. Many issues just impact people indirectly or abstractly, but this was an issue which had massive importance to many many individual New Zealanders. You can’t really understand the significance of this law change to those affected, unless you are in their shoes.  I was privileged enough to have a huge number of people come up to me last night and share their stories and emotions about what this means to them. It often goes to the core of self-worth, aspirations for a happy future etc. Thank you to everyone who shared with me – it was also great to meet so many previously unknown readers. Some of the exchanges were surreal – such as the young woman at McDonalds who just patted me on the head as she walked past our table and said “marriage equality rocks”. No idea who she was.

Last night reinforced for me my total lack of doubt that this law change was a good thing to do. On most issues, I have some doubts. I think charter schools should provide some better educational outcomes for some students – but I am of course not certain. Likewise I think having private shareholdings in SOEs will be better for the NZ economy – but it is not guaranteed. Almost all issues have trade-offs.

People go into politics with a genuine desire to make their country a better place. I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about what is the meaning of life etc. We only get to have 80 – 100 years. Over the course of history all but a few individuals are pretty insignificant So what should life be about? Is existence a bit pointless? In the end my conclusions are that our aim should be to make ourselves happy, and make other people happy. Life is here to be enjoyed.

I accept some people are unhappy at a conceptual level that gay couples will be able to marry. But for me that unhappiness is absolutely dwarfed by the immense joy this law change brings to gay and lesbian (etc) New Zealanders. I saw it last night in the gallery at Parliament, in the Grand Hall afterwards, down at S&M and Ivys on Cuba Street. They were not celebrating it as a political victory, but a personal one. It wasn’t like the enjoyment you get when the political party you favour wins an election. It was that personal sense of gaining of rights and equality – the symbolism and hope that they as an individual could one day get married. While the law change was a political act, don’t think that the motivations of those in favour were political – it was for many very personal.

For me personally, it has no effect. I am heterosexual. But I’m glad I have a well developed enough empathy that just seeing and sharing other people’s happiness made last night very special to me. As I said, you get involved in politics to try and make NZ a place where more people have happy lives.

From 1840 to 1867, homosexual activity in NZ wasn’t just illegal but was punishable by death. 145 years later, same sex couples can marry. We have come a very long way as a country.

Now the campaign is over, I also want to touch on the political side of the issue. They say that success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. Well that is true but in terms of this issue there are in fact many people who played an important role, and I want to touch on some of them.

First and foremost are Louisa Wall and Kevin Hague. They ran an inclusive positive campaign that was focused on the issue, and left party politics to one side. It can be a bit strange at first working with people from parties you spend half you time criticising, but they were nothing but warm, focused and professional. I regard them both as very good people, and the bill would not have passed with the support it had, without their leadership roles. I’ve seen many a good issue fail, because the political management of the campaign was sub-standard. Louisa and Kevin made a great team and their quiet calm persuasive styles convinced a number of MPs to support the bill on its merits.

On National’s side, many MPs made significant contributions. Hutch, Auckie and Maurice provided the standout speeches for each reading. PM John Key’s support was of incalculable value. The tone of the debate and the margin would have been very different without his support (even though I thinki it would have still passed). I must make special mention of three National MPs who contributed so much behind the scenes – Tau, Jami-Lee and Nikki. The three of them put in a huge amount of work to make sure the bill passed last night. I won’t get into the details of all the issues around votes, proxies, amendments, calls, scheduling and the like.

Also on the National side, two non MPs deserve special mention. Megan Campbell and Shaun Wallis showed you do not have to be an MP to make a positive and significant impact on politics. Megan’s contribution was immense – from lobbying MPs, to speech notes, to fact sheets, rebuttal points, procedural advice and much more. She must be the most effective lobbyist around at the moment – and she was working for free!

Shaun Wallis, and many other Young Nats, also contributed a great deal. If you’re a young person and wondering if young people can have an impact. Well consider that Young Nats have had a significant role in getting the VSM law passed, stopping the alcohol purchase age increasing to 20, and helping with the numbers on this law. When I was a Young Nat I don’t think Shane Frith and I achieved anything much beyond annoying Jim Bolger on a regular basis

Also kudos to all the youth wings who took part in the joint press statement for first reading and the joint press conference for second reading. The unity of youth on the issue was very powerful, and had great resonance with the media and MPs.

Andrew Burns did an amazing job with social media on the campaign. I was staggered by the reach of the campaign’s congratulatory message on Facebook. Within an hour of the vote, I think the message had reached almost half a million people and been shared by over 5,000 to all their networks.

Also Conrad Reyners had a difficult job, which he did so well. In a campaign the challenge isn’t just to get your supporters to do things – often it is to also stop them from doing things. A few overly enthusiastic supporters who go over the top with their rhetoric can damage your own side significantly (as opponents found out). Conrad and the wider campaign team ran a very disciplined, positive on message campaign.

Amusing end to the night was in McDonalds with Conrad close to 4 am, when we realised it was all over, and he said that he can now go back to hating me as fascist scum, and vice-versa him as a pinko commie

Life now goes back to normal, and life goes on for the country also – except in four months time expect an increase in the number of couples getting married in New Zealand!

By David’s Flatmate

People ask me where are you living these days. Well, due to Heidi Klum not returning any of my many emails, txt’s or skype calls I’ve ended up with David Farrar as my flatmate. Shoot for the ground and you can’t miss I say.

Now, evidently he has a little known/read blog which I think is called “Kiwioil Meathead Captured Cooked”…I’m not too sure as I tend to engross myself in the IRD’s Blog titled “How much do I owe in Child-support to my numerous ex -wives”.

Anyway, I digress. So David’s my flatmate, and flatting with him is like living with a born again Richard Simmons. I’ve known him for well over 20 years and seeing him turn into a Health food zealot often borders on Monty Python-esque humour.

In fact, a typical evening’s conversation from David goes along the lines of….”Hey did you know I ran 673 kms at the Gym, came home, devoured a brussel-sprout and am thinking now I’m thin and skinny I’ll get married”.

Too funny right! I know, but pretend I’m laughing at Southpark which is the only television programme we watch…..he’s none the wiser…… poor man.

So, last Friday night he actually surprised me, I was expecting the normal… “G’day, today I ran 49 billion kms, ate a single uncooked grain of brown rice and am thinking of walking to Antarctica this weekend”…Instead he said “Come look at this I need you to write up a Car Report for me…..BMW have given me this white car and you know a bit about cars, so take it for a drive and write the report.

I said…. “Dave, I’m a good looking guy, I’m single and it’s Friday night…I have options”……He pointed out that I’m an Orang-utan with many ex-wives and that a white BMW was about as lucky as I was going to get on any night.

So, like the cool young hip things we are, we jumped into the latest BMW 320i and went Friday night cruising in Wellington.

Dave’s driving, and it seems an opportune time to begin the review.

Ok, so this is where we review of the bad stuff first. Like any good motoring journalist you have to put the ‘boot’ (cleverly hidden car pun right there) in somewhere. And as we are both nowhere near ever becoming motoring journalists I think it’s best to get the negatives out the way first.

The first major drawback of the car is that it’s a 320i. And this was compounded by the fact that it had the 320i badge on the back. Sure, it’s true, Dave and I have no shame, but seriously Mr BMW person, you could have saved our dignity and given us something with a big donkey in it. The one saving grace is that it has tinted windows, so we didn’t lose our cool.

Then there is the English lady who was on the Sat Nav. It was like listening to my English mother…she kept mispronouncing Wellington Place Names. So that was worth a laugh. However I don’t blame BMW about that, because after all this really is a Remuera car, and I’m sure the English voice settings are perfect in its natural environment……probably something like…..“Benson Road Cafe, 20 metres, and you have reached your gorgeous trophy wife”. I sooooo miss Auckland.

The next major drawback was that the stereo immediately picked up David’s iPhone song list……. Turn on the car and being accosted by Sonny and Cher’s – You got me Babe was a low moment. BMW, there are apps to jam both Sonny and Cher and the Carpenters.

It gets worse…..seriously.

So Dave’s driving the car right, and he’s trying to sound like he knows what he is talking about.

This is a verbatim record of his observations about BMW’s most popular car; “Fuck, it’s got bright indicators”. “The Brakes work”. “It turns tight“. “It goes fast”. “I like this car”.

So, those were the low points of the drive.

Now for the good bits of the 320i. We know Mr BMW is hanging on our every word so as to use one of our quotes in their next NBR advert.

I take over the driving from David. NB: I will declare my interest in BMW’s…I love them, having owned three in the past.

This 320i really is a great car to drive. I it just feels at home on the road and nothing phased it at all. We didn’t even bother looking at the instruction manual – mainly because we know that Whale’s a big follower of this blog and would take our man cards off us if we even knew where the instruction manual was.

On the Sunday, we headed off to Petone foreshore to kayak over to Soames Island. However, we get there and it’s cutting up rough…southerly, rain, freezing…a typical Wellington summer day…and we were trash talking how we will make it to the Island.

In between the trash talking I was playing with the entertainment system, audio and sat nav etc. It is easy to use and very intuitive! We even changed the clock settings due to Daylight savings giving me an extra hour in bed. So, all the crap that Jeremy Clarkson goes on about not being able to work BMW’s thingamabob icontrol button system, seems to be nothing more than that of a man clinging tightly to his iPhone 4s and not embracing new technology.

Ok, so it’s blowing a Southerly, the trash talk is getting up there, then Mr Kayak man turns up.

We get out of the snug Beeeemer and are ready to go!

“Ah…sorry, it’s too rough for you to go out there”. Said the Kayak delivery man. Farrar sold out and was back in the car ready to go home. I pushed a little harder and explored the options. The response from the kayak man was soul destroying and a salutatory lesson in listening to the experts…..”Listen, I would go out there but I’m a pro, you aren’t and I kinda like my kayaks”.

So, back into the car and off to Days Bay in Eastbourne in atrocious weather.

Driving round to Eastbourne in a Southerly is a real test of any driver’s mettle, the car feels solid on the road, and the pounding rain doesn’t phase the car.

After a quick café stop, where David said to the waitress…”Hold the ice, I don’t eat solids” …seriously, I don’t make this stuff up….. we went off driving.

And the driving part is actually fun in this car. The 320i doesn’t feel like its underpowered or lacking in get up and go -I was genuinely surprised. We headed up into the twisting hills of Khannndaaalaaaah….as our Sat Nav woman pronounced it and this car just felt a delight to drive.

Another thing, when driving was that everything felt familiar in the car. As I said, I’ve owned 3 BMW’s and when I jumped in it seemed so easy to know where things are. So anyone who has owned a BMW in the past will quite happily feel at ease in this cockpit. Can I say cockpit? Oh, yeah I can, because I’m not a real journalist and this is a little read blog.

Now, I know that all 2 readers of this blog want to know the more ‘grunty’ stuff about the car…or techy bits. So, for all you detail nerds out there, here are some of the more technical aspects:

• Engine stuff…have no idea, we didn’t bother lifting the bonnet, but it goes well and sounds quiet.
• Fuel consumption was care of BMW’s fuel card, so it was fucking fantastic!
• Co2 emissions ….not sure as we never ever looked in the rear-view mirror.
• The boot looks like a boot. Dark, uninteresting and no doubt can hold 400 litres of whatever they measure boot space with.
• Full or space saver spare tyre? LOL, like who cares.  The last time I got a flat tyre was when I was rally driving dad’s Mark 5 Ford Cortina Sport on Waikato Roads.
• Reverse camera with guidelines and even radar……shows just how close you really are.
• Lots of leg room behind David when he’s driving.
• And of course the most important thing that us motoring journalists focus on “Is the car value for money”. I’m of the opinion that if you can afford this car brand-new, then you have a sound grasp of the value of money.

So, Mr BMW, thank you for lending us the latest BMW 320i to test drive.

And judging from the feedback, all 2 out of 2 Kiwioil Blog readers agree this is a great car.

Anyone who wants to read more about the 320i, and I have no idea why, because I’ve said it all and more…here is the link to the official website:

http://www.bmw.co.nz/com/en/newvehicles/3series/sedan/2011/showroom/introduction.html

No doubt will be full of boring advertising speak like…”So you’ve finally made it, why not go the extra step and really finally make it by driving a BMW, you deserve the best, no seriously you do, because you have finally made it…now punch the air”.

So that’s the review, and while having to hand back a cool car, I begin to doubt myself and think I haven’t finally made it, but my melancholy is rapidly replaced as I walk back into the flat and see the child-like delight on David’s face as he beams proudly;

“Hey, did you know that each individual pea is less than a calorie?”

I think how can life not be great!

When a play gets the half time interval, and you are annoyed that there is a break, its a good sign that the play has managed to grip your attention and you want to see how it ends.

Circa’s production of Tribes was excellent. A great mix of tension, humour, light and sound.  Thoroughly enjoyed it.

The set is a typical living room, with a large screen behind it. The screen is an essential part of the show, where the sign language is translated, and very amusingly sometimes the private thoughts of the cast also.

The play by Nina Raine, originated in London, and has won three major international awards.

The cast is primarily a family of five, all creative. Father Christopher is an academic critic who critiques everything from his children’s boyfriends and girlfriends to the deaf community and Northerners. His long suffering wife Beth is writing a a book that was originally about a marriage breakdown but hilariously also includes a murder mystery now.

The kids are all in their 20s. Daniel and Ruth have both moved back home, and ignore their father’s entreaties to “fuck off” and get real jobs. She is an wannabee opera singer and he is writing a thesis on language. Daniel has some psych issues (his father blames on pot) and hears accusatory voices all the time. He used to have a stutter, and it returns when his brother Billy moves out.

To a degree the show is about Billy. He was born deaf. His siblings are very protective of him. His father has been determined not to let his disability define him and he has learnt to lip read par excellence, rather than use sign language.

The family is charming and engaging in their mild dysfunctionality, and then things get interesting when Billy meets Sylvia. She can do fluent sign language as her parents are deaf. She was not born deaf, but is losing her hearing and becoming deaf.

Now don’t think this is some sort of woe are the deaf, how miserable their lives are play.  It is a play about tribes – the family tribe and the deaf community.

Father Christopher is very sceptical of Sylvia and asks her at one point about the “deaf community”. She replies that it is very hierarchical with people judging you on whether or not you were born deaf, or became deaf, if you can sign or lip or both, etc etc. She also  comments “Plus of course, we’ve all slept with each other” which rarks the family up as Billy has never had a girlfriend.

Jeffery Thomas is excellent as Christoper, Billy’s father. He provokes and frustrates, and provides much humour. Nathan Mesiter also was very good as Billy’ brother. He is both smart and suave and stammering and lacking self-confidence.

The play is 140 minutes long, with a break. As I said at the beginning I found it got me interested from the first scene, and never let go. There are so many tensions that you want to find out where it all leads. There are no saints in this play, just a mosaic of flawed but loving family.

A lot of humour keeps you engaged also. The thoughts on the screen. The asking Sylvia to sign a translation of “Fucking her was like making love to a concrete mixer” was memorable.

When a local theatre takes on an award winning international play, the worry is that they will not do justice to the original. But the production team and cast have shown this is not the case – it was a great play, and well worth seeing.

City to Sea

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The City to Sea Walkway was the final walk of my summer of 13 big Wellington walks. Probably the most challenging as there are almost no flat parts to it, you go up and down almost a dozen times.

The official guide says this walk takes six hours but I managed to do it in just under three hours. Did this one solo as everyone else was busy so you go faster when not talking and walking! Got to listen to some the Economist podcasts until me headphones died.

Starts at the Bolton Street Cemetery and goes up into the Botanical Garden up to the Cable Car. Then down into Kelburn Park and through the Mount Street Cemetery at VUW. You then head along above the Terrace past Boyd Wilson Field and down into Aro Valley.

Then up through Tanera Park and the community gardens there passing into Central Park. You go up over the Renouf Tennis Centre and into Nairn Street Park and Prince of Wales Park. then through some town belt into McAlister Park .
After all the parks you hit the Berhampore Golf Course, then trek up from that to the Tawatawa Ridge and then mainly downhill until you hit the climb up to the Oku Street Reserve. From there you go down into Shorland Park in island Bay on the South coast.

It’s my favourite walkway as it just sneakily manages to link all these discrete parks together, while winding its way from the city to the South coast. Many great views to be enjoyed.

Mike and Virginia opened at Circa on Saturday night, and it was 100 minutes of almost non stop laughs.

It is billed as a romantic comedy about romantic comedies. The lead characters of Mike and Virginia are both lecturers in film studies and the audience at times are their class. Virginia is the ice queen who tells you how romantic comedies always have an incompatible couple (due to personality, background etc) who implausibly overcome all barriers to show love conquers all, even though it doesn’t.

Mike is the popular wise cracking Kiwi bloke, who is a published author as well as a lecturer. Of course Virginia hates him, and vice-versa and of course they form the focus of their own romantic comedy.

There is some audience interaction, which was also comic. Mike has a thesis that all films have a monster. He goes through various films such as Shawshank Redemption and asks who the monster is. He then gets to Love Actually and asks the audience who is the monster in that film. The woman behind me yells out “the writer” and we’re all in hysterics.

There were five actors making up the cast, and while in some plays there are one or two stand outs, I thought in this play all five nailed their characters.

Gentiana Lupi (you may have seen her in Eagle vs Shark) was the icy Virginia. Her character started slightly one-dimensional but as the play progressed you saw her sense of humour and playfulness.

Will Hall (Kip from Shortland Street) was perfect for laid back wise cracking Kiwi bloke Mike.

Jennifer Martin was hilarious as the young and beautiful but rather clueless student poet who falls madly in love with, well I won’t give the plot away. But you’ll love her performance.

Stephen Papps and Perry Piercey play the respective best friends of Mike and Virginia – their characters are Harry and Sally!

Papps’ Harry shares his nuggets of wisdom in a very droll fashion and generates aughs a plenty. He just fits the role of down to earth tradesman so well.

Piercey’s Sally is an actor, and gets possibly the best lines of the play. I won’t give too many plot details away but one part of it is how they are meant to be just friends with benefits but Virginia freaks out when Mike holds her hand at one point. She heads home alone complaining to Sally that Mike is getting too intimate. Sally responds with “You’ve had his dick in your mouth with no problems, and you’re complaining that he held your hand!” – classic.

The music and sound effects were done incredibly well, adding to many a dramatic moment with comic effect.

Mike and Virginia was hilariously good fun. Is on until 20 April, and well worth seeing.

Myself and Auckland Girl are doing an almost four week road trip in the United States from 12 July to 5 August.

Any US based friends should yell out if they wish to catch up. I’ve detailed the rough itinerary on Facebook.

We’ll be in a 9 metre RV so are pretty flexible with the schedule.

Yay. Now under 85 kgs so have lost 25 kgs and 5 to go.

The pace of loss is increasing as I get fitter. Now doing three runs a week, two gym sessions and one long walk. Wednesdays are my day off

The first 10 kgs took around 5 months to get to under 100.

Took seven months to lose the next 5 kgs to get under 95. A week of election parties didn’t help

A further six months to lose the next 5 kgs to get under 90.

And just six weeks to lose a further 5 kgs to get under 85. The end is in sight! The aim is to get under 80 by end of June when I head to the United States for five weeks.

I was sitting at home waiting for poll data to come in and my computer reminded me I was due at Beep Test* in half an hour. I thought to myself “What the hell is Beep Test*” and then remembered it is a Fringe Festival production I had been invited to attend and review.

So I quickly headed down to the Thistle Hall on Cuba Street and entered the hall. The first thing I noticed is that (apart from John Smythe) I was possibly the oldest person there. This is quite different to many theatre outings when I am almost the youngest

As I sat down I couldn’t work out who and what was or was not part of the show. There were drinks for sale, and also people making sandwiches next to them. Were the sandwiches for sale also or part of the show? (was the latter) There were a group of people doing exercise warm ups. Were they actors or audience or both?

So I sat down reasonably confused, and having no idea of what it would all mean.

At the end of the night, I’m not sure I was any wiser about what it all meant, but I did enjoy a cool night of frenetic fun. It was classic fringe festival where you are equal parts amused and bemused.

If you spend too much time trying to work out why she is wearing a gold cocktail dress on top of her gym gear, you’ll go mad. You just enjoy that she is, and somehow it works.

Normally in a review I’d give an outline of the production, but I don’t want to give too much away as the fun is in finding out what happens next. But a few details.

The main event so to speak is seeing the two actors (Simon Haren and Isobel MacKinnon from Binge Culture) run from end to end of the hall as the robotic voice tells them to. The pace gets faster and faster and you get quite enthralled at seeing how long they can last. But it isn’t just them, audience members are encouraged to take part also and around 20 start off doing it. And they don’t just run – they bounce off the walls, they do high fives, and more.

That wasn’t the only audience participation (the whole show is about audience participation). One unlucky soul gets picked to go up onto the sofa for a multi-choice interview, again against an ever quicker count down. I was unfortunately the chosen one in this case and had to answer a dozen questions such as whether at school I was popular, weird or other (I said all of the above). Then as the clock runs out, the two hosts end up leading the audience in dancing and somehow Isobel and myself spend a couple of minutes doing a Tom Cruise impression holding hands and jumping up and down on the interview couch in best Oprah style. Very hilarious and surreal. Luckily for the couch this production wasn’t a year ago

There’s other fun segments also such as the maths tests and the stand up comic routines. The whole show lasts an hour, and was an excellent way to live up an otherwise boring weeknight.

Not everyone is into fringe humour, but if you are this is a great fun show to go along to.

I enjoyed it so much, I am almost considering going back on Thursday. Not so much to see the show again, but because I regret not taking part in the running segment. I reckon I could have lasted until the final few. Mind you they were saying that one of the guests at a future show is a marathon runner so best you don’t try to keep up with him!

Skyline

EveryTrail – Find hiking trails in California and beyond

The Skyline Walk is one of the best walks in Wellington as you get a near continual view of not just the city and harbour, but also of the Western coastline.

The 12 km walk starts at Johnsonville and finishes at the South end of Karori at the saddle of Makara Road.

There is an initial climb up to Mt Kaukau, but after that it is a fairly easy walk to Karori (with the exception of one further steep climb). Very well signposted and the track varies from 4WD paths to narrow goat like paths. Fun when someone comes the other way!

The continual views make this a great walk. Took just over three and a half hours.

This was walk no 11 of the 13 walks over summer. Just two to go.

The fatal shark attack yesterday at Muriwai reminds me of my one and only shark encounter.

A couple of years ago I was holidaying at a pacific island. Was staying in a bungalow on the beach and got there a day before FOD (Friend of DPF). The sea looked lovely so I went in for a swim.

Had a lovely half hour enjoying the warm ocean, swimming around.

The following day was joined by FOD and we decided to go swimming. I’d found that the coral reef around 20 metres out was shallow enough that you almost scraped yourself swimming over it, so suggested we dive off the end of the wharf, around 75 metres out.

I dove in first and the water was beautiful. The whole sea was warm but at the end of the wharf was an especially warm spot. You were surrounded by tropical fish. It was like being in a movie set.

I encouraged FOD to dive in also but she said she was concerned about sharks. I laughed and said that I was out swimming yesterday and didn’t see any sharks and not to be so silly and to come in.

She again said she was worried, and how could I know that there were no sharks. I pointed out that there was a second coral reef around half a km out and I doubted sharks could even get in past it.

Frustratingly she still expressed concern and her shark phobia was getting annoying. Now by chance I had been reading that very morning the book Superfreakonomics. One of the chapters of this excellent book was on shark attacks and on how the Jaws movie had terrified the world about sharks, but in fact fatal shark attacks are very rare.

So I quoted Superfreakonomics to FOD, and cited the passage that on average there are only four fatal shark attacks a year and 200 fatal elephant attacks so 50 times as many people die from elephants (and I suspect people spend more time in oceans than they do near elephants).

Now around 10 seconds after I finished citing the incredibly low probability of shark attacks to FOD, she then yelled out “David there’s a shark behind you“.

Now naturally I laughed. I’m not that gullible. I responded that I’m not going to fall for such an obvious joke and remained where I was in the water, facing the wharf and the shore.

FOD then yelled out “No I’m serious, there is a shark behind you, get out“. I paused briefly and considered that this may not be a practical joke. It is the sort of practical joke I would play on someone else, but not the sort of joke FOD would play. So I responded with a challenge and said if she was having me on I would make it my mission to throw her in the water until an actual shark does turn up.

FOD then yells out “Get the fuck out now”. It dawns on me that she is actually serious and there is a shark approaching me from behind. I immediately start swimming very very very quickly towards the wharf and haul myself out of the water as quickly as possible. Adrenaline is flowing and the heart beat elevated.

Once up on the wharf I start looking for this alleged shark and I’m still a tiny bit skeptical that there really was a shark behind me. After around 20 seconds no sign of a shark and I am threatening to throw FOD in the water. But then I see a shark swim in front of the wharf. It is around 5 feet in length and I turn slightly pale. It has enough of a jaw on it that it would be highly unpleasant (to say the least) to have it on your leg or arm.

I gracefully concede to FOD that there was a shark, and I may owe her my thanks. She remarks though that she doesn’t think that is the shark she saw. I say of course it would be. Then a few seconds later an approx 11 foot shark swims by, and she exclaims “That’s what I saw“.  I turn an even more pale shade of pale as this shark is definitely big enough to make a meal of you. Then two more sharks turn up and I am watching four sharks swim about the exact spot I was in less than a minute earlier. I begin mentally cursing the authors of Superfreakonomics!

It occurs to me that we should warn someone that there are now four sharks in the water. I locate the resort manager and tell him about the four sharks. He exclaims “Oh yes, they come around every day“. He then offers me the chance to see him feed them at 5 pm. The time was 4 pm.

A thought occurs to me, and I ask “Where exactly do you feed them?” and he said “Off the end of the wharf“.

The remaining blood in my circulation freezes as I consider not only was I in the water with four sharks, I was swimming in their dining room!

Needless to say there was no more beach swimming on that holiday.

Fenceline

EveryTrail – Find trail maps for California and beyond

An 8.5 km hike around the fenceline of the Karori Sanctuary, Zealandia. It has 460 metres of vertical elevation so is a good challenge. It is the same route as the annual gutbuster run.

We started at the Zealandia and climb up to the Brooklyn Wind Turbine. The odd flat piece, but mainly uphill.

From the wind turbine you continue along the fence towards Hawkins Hill but then veer back towards Karori. You think you do not have much more climbing to go, but actually the track drops down into a valley which then gives you another big climb up to Wrights Hill.

From Wrights Hill, it is mainly downhill. The track next to the fenceline is so steep at parts you are advised to use an alternate zigzag down, which we did.

Some great views, and a reasonable distance to go from Karori to Brooklyn and back.

Big ups to all the cyclists on the shared path. Everyone helpfully yells out that they are approaching you, what side of the path they are on, and how many of them there are.

If anyone knows what the berries are in one of the photos, feel free to comment.

Despite being just two and a half years old my laptop seems to be in need of replacing. I’m having to boot it up in safe mode half the time as it just won’t start up normally.

In the past I have not wanted to consider a non-Windows machine as the transition was going to be too much hassle, but this time I am open to a Macintosh, and in fact that is probably my preference. They just seem to last longer.

As with previous times, keen for feedback from readers as to what they would recommend. My ideal features are:

• Fast
• Long battery life
• Can be used for 12+ hours a day
• Relatively light
• Quick start up
• Can handle multiple apps open at same time
• Resilient
• 1 TB or more storage
• 16 GB or more RAM

Went to see Django Unchained at the Empire Theatre in Island Bay. A great little theatre, which was well patronised. A nice place to see a movie, and then dinner afterwards at Original Thai just down the road.

Anyway – to the movie.

It is classic Quentin Tarantino. The corny music, the oversized text, the blood and splatter, the lethal protagonist.

If you liked Kill Bill, you’ll like Django Unchained.

Jamie Foxx stars as Django, but my favourite character was Dr King Schulz played by Christoph Walz. An elderly softly spoken German who surprises often.

Leonardo DiCaprio excels as a charming but nasty slave owner. And Samuel L Jackson is unrecognisable as the “house nigger” who hates Django.

There are heaps of scenes where you will laugh out loud, and a large number of great gun battles.

It is a wonderful spaghetti western. Highly recommended if you like Tarantino’s work.

My only complaint was no strong female character.

This graphic from Vanity Fear shows the death toll and method for each film.

Went to Makara on Sunday, to do the Makara loop walk. Been doing a largish walk ever Sunday over summer. Despite the fact I had Round the Bays in the morning, still did the walk in the afternoon – and very glad I did.

I haven’t been to Makara for years, so it was a good reason to head over.

The walk starts at the main beach and a fairly easy walk around a couple of bays, before the hill climb starts.

It is a bit of a bitch of a climb as it is more straight up than zigzag. However there is a mixture of semi-flat spells and climbs, so overall quite achievable. And as you can see the views are worth it.

The old gun batteries are now fenced off. This is a pity as I recall several fun teenage overnight parties held in them. The guns were never used and replaced during the war by the larger gun at Wrights Hill.

Just up from the gun batteries are the remains of Fort Opau, with some fascinating photos and histories. Around 60 soldiers lived up there.

From the gun batteries, you get a great view of the wind turbines to the South.

After Fort Opau, you hit the West Wind Recreation Area. The turbines are so much larger than the original Brooklyn one. And much more powerful. The Brooklyn one could power around 80 homes. The 622 West Wind turbines can power 71,000 homes, which happens to be the number of homes in Wellington City.

The historical display boards up there are fascinating. There used to be a settlement of around 20 houses built around the Post Office facilities up there.

Even if you are not into walking, you can drive to the West Wind area. A good place to take kids out to – great views, and some interesting history.

After West Wind, you head down to Opau Bay. The start is through a nice pine forest, but most of it is down a very steep 4WD track. I pitied the fishermen walking up it!

The return journey along the beach took longer than expected. There isn’t really a trail. The beach changes from sand, to small rocks, to larger rocks to huge rocks you have to climb over. Nothing too hard, but slow work in a hot sun. However the solitude and the views are worth it.

A couple of families had trekked around and were having a great day of it. The water was actually quite warm we were told. I was very tempted to go in myself.

And finally the end in sight. The only disappointment was we got back just after the store closed. The thought of an ice cream at the end had been giving me motivation!

Around three hours to do an 8 km loop. One of the most enjoyable walks I’ve done with the mixture of views and history.

Wayne Thompson at NZ Herald reports:

Parents have been stopped from “tandem” riding with their young children down hydroslides at Auckland aquatic centres.

One bemused parent, Michael Pleciak, was told by Mt Albert Aquatic Centre lifeguards on Saturday that his daughter Eva, 6, could not use the slide because it was too dangerous for anyone under 8, even if they are sliding with an adult.

“It is ridiculous,” he said.

“Eva has been on that slide for a month.

“She had a nervous start and I was accompanying her down as all parents do and she got her courage up.

“She has gone down at least half a dozen times with her 8-year-old sister or me.

Bureaucratic rules defy common sense.

Pool manager Paul Kite said Eva missed her treat because of confusion between a no-tandem rule from Auckland Council health and safety and the aquatic industry standard of requiring children under 5 to be within arm’s reach at all times.

He said 5- to 8-year-olds were allowed on the slide providing their parents or caregiver were at the bottom of the slide supervising them.

“It means, unfortunately, that mums and dads cannot go down the slide with their kids between their legs. Under 5-year-olds won’t be allowed to go down on their own.

What nonsense.

The council said the rule was recommended by the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment.

However, a ministry spokesman could not confirm the reason.

Paging Steven Joyce, paging Steven Joyce. Please apply some boot somewhere.

Talking of hydroslides though, it does remind me of an unfortunate incident when I was 18 and we were using the water slide at Moana Pool. It is or was a totally enclosed slide.

There were half a dozen of us there and the game we developed is one of us would go down first, stop halfway and then turn around and stand up. Then the rest of would shoot down through their legs. We did this several times and all good fun.

But then on one of the times it was my turn to go first, something went wrong. Someone else got in front of my friends. I had stopped and was standing in the tunnel waiting for my friends to power down. I then heard a noise, sounding like crashing thunder. Then the tunnel got darker and darker as all the light from the top got blocked out.  Then crashing around the corner came a huge Samoan woman who was literally taking up the entire tunnel. No way could I turn around and start sliding down in time. With just a few moments of terror I then got smashed into by said woman, and spent the next 30 seconds semi-conscious stuck under her hurtling down the slide as she (rightfully) yelled at me in Samoan. Finally we shot out the end and my friends pulled me out of the pool, in-between fits of laughter. I felt like I had lost a wrestling match with a steam roller.

So my only advice for water slide safety is never stop!

Getting there!

Along with around 14,000 others I took part in the AMI Round the Bays fun run this morning. Normally I like Wellington to be hot and sunny but was glad it was overcast today.

I took part last year, but could only walk it. That was still a lot of fun. Also great to help raise money for the Malaghan Institute for cancer research.

My aim this year was to run all 7 kms of it, without needing any walking breaks. I was semi-confident I could do it because I had run more than 7 kms on the treadmill in the gym. But there were four difference which meant I was only feeling 60/40 about being able to run it.

• The treadmill runs had 1 minute walk intervals every 12 minutes, and I had never actually done 7 kms without a break before. The longest previously with no break was 25 minutes.
• I jog on the treadmill at 9 km/hr but tend to jog slightly faster than that outdoors, which isn’t always a good thing as it means the heart rate can get too high too quick.
• Roads are tougher to run on than treadmills
• There is no sun or wind inside

My official goal was to do it in under 60 minutes. I was hoping secretly to do it in under 50 minutes. I was more than happy to get to the finish line in 38 minutes 55 seconds (according to my iPhone app). The pace was just over 10 km/hr which I honestly did not think I could do. Somewhat surprisingly also, each half km my pace was slightly faster than the previous.

Also of interest or  amusement is that a bit of a meme going around Wellington in the last few weeks has been that David Shearer no longer has to worry when David Cunliffe shaves his beard off, but instead when Grant Robertson shaves off a few kilos!

By coincidence I saw Grant taking part in the Round the Bays today

I have to say I’ve been appalled by the fact that more than a trivial number of people (including commenters here – but also on media sites) have actually defended or agreed with what Richard Prosser said regarding banning anyone who is or looks like a Muslim from flying.

To be blunt, they are bigots. You can not defend what he said and not be a bigot. It really is as simple as that.

There is nothing bigoted about having a negative view of the Islamic religion – or in fact any religion. I have negatives views about several religions. But it is bigotry when you treat someone as a sub-human purely because they are a member of a religion – or worse “look like” someone who is a member of a religion.

Take the Mormon religion. I think it is a wacky religion, and Joseph Smith was an obvious con artist. However one of my friends is Mormon, and in fact was the local Bishop for a while. A lovely guy, and I would never treat him differently based on the fact he is Mormon. That is just a part of who he is. You treat people as individuals, not just as a member of a race, a religion, a gender, a sexual orientation etc.

The same goes from Scientology. I think it is a crackpot money making scheme. But do I think scientologists should be discriminated against? No.

Now when it comes to Islam, I am someone who has written at length about the flaws in this religion. It has a high proportion of extremists compared to other religions. It has no ability to modernise, and no central authority (the two are linked). There are huge problems in Europe with the lack of integration of some Muslim immigrants and many (not most) Islamic religious leaders do not denounce terrorism or even support it. These are all valid views to have and hold on the religion.

But when you get into bigotry is when you declare that because someone is a member of that religion, that have less rights than someone else and that being a member of that religion is more important than any other characteristics that they have.

This is the sort of views that led to the Jewish Holocaust. Because some Jews were unpopular for various reasons, it was decided all Jews were bad and must be wiped out.

Just as we have differing levels of piety and commitment amongst (say) Catholics, it is the same of course amongst Muslims. Some Catholics are absolutely devout and go to church every week, and their religion is a major defining part of their lives. but also we all know many Catholics who only go to church for Easter and Christmas, and their religious commitment is almost as much cultural as anything.

Well that also applies to Muslims (God forbid that I even have to spell this out). While your religious beliefs are a choice, the reality is that if you grow up in a Muslim family or community, you’re probably going to be Muslim. It is not that big a part of your life – it is just who you are – just like the kids who grow up in Catholic families are Catholics – even if they miss weekly confession. And bigots are unable to differentiate between extreme Islamists and other Muslims.

Some bigots claim there is no such thing as a non-extreme Muslim. Bullshit. This is the sort of view such as there are no Maori who are not crooks or on the dole. I find inevitably it comes from those with very sheltered closeted lives and non-diverse friends.

I’m lucky. I have travelled the world. I’ve been involved in international meetings in the political and Internet spheres where you meet and work with people from around the world. This includes Iranian Internet engineers (who are of course Muslim), the Secretary-General of the Arab Youth League (a young Syrian who was a lot of fun), Internet policy people from Malaysia (who happen to be Muslim) and so on.  It is hard to be bigoted when you deal with real people, rather than stereotypes. I think of those people I know when I recall what Richard Prosser wrote, and how denigrating it is of them.

How would you feel to have someone (let alone an MP) declare you should not be allowed to fly, and all the implications that you are a sub-human who can’t be trusted. And then have others agreeing with him?

We can and should debate the excesses of Islam, terrorism, and the like. But you do it in a way that doesn’t treat individuals as shit.

And don’t even get me started about calling people wogs and saying that even anyone who looks Muslim should be banned from flying. That is not even subtle code for fuck off if you are not white like me.

One can debate issues such as the fact Maori crime rate is higher than non-Maori, without denigrating Maori. One can also debate issues such as rape, without denigrating all men as potential rapists.

At the end of the day we should treat people as individuals. Anyone who proposes any sort of oppressive policy or law based on a group characteristic is bigoted - consciously or unconsciously.  It was wrong for FDR to intern Japanese-Americans in the 1940s for example.

And finally have some common decency. If you have bigoted thoughts, keep them to yourselves. try and have at least a modicum of empathy and decency and think about the impact on others if you rush into print, or online, and say “Oh yeah I think Muslims should be banned from traveling”. Think about the awful impact such prejudice and hatred has on those whom would be impacted by your words.  Just think.

Rant over.

Stuff reports:

Pinot Noir is the standout variety on the wine scene, with exports of the drink made from black Vitis vinifera grapes doubling in the last decade.

The red wine is big business to New Zealand.

The value of pinot noir sold to overseas drinkers hit $122 million last year, up from only $19m a decade ago.

It is the second most popular variety after our star sauvignon blanc, with pinot noir vines planted on more than a million more hectares than chardonnay.

A four-day festival dedicated to the tipple was launched on Wellington’s waterfront yesterday, with 500 people attending. Pinot Noir NZ 2013 spokesman Robert Brewer said the industry in New Zealand had evolved since the first three-yearly event in 2001.

I was very lucky to be a guest of Visa at the Pinot Noir festival last night. They had dozens of different Pinot Noirs flowing on demand. I couldn’t even attempt to try them all, but did sample a fair few. My favourite was the 2007 Grasshopper which sadly ran out it was so popular.

As if dozens of great wines wasn’t enough, they had 12 of Wellington’s best chefs there including Logan Brown, Martin Bosley and Ruth Pretty. Scallops, lamb, salmon etc. I think I undid a fortnight of exercise in one night – but it was worth it

Putting aside my personal enjoyment, the NZ wine industry success with Pinot Noir is a great story. 500% export growth over a decade is superb and I’ve noted when overseas how often NZ wine is offered in restaurants as a premium wine.

Fairfax asked me a couple of weeks ago for some views on the year ahead. I didn’t quite realise that it would be presented in such an immodest way, but anyway their summary of what I said is:

Fairfax asked me late last year to look at my horoscope for 2012, and comment on if it came true. I regard astrology as being about as reliable as Winston Peters, so my comments were:

I thought my semi-neurotic workaholic mode was due to the fact I hate being bored. But it seems it was the retrograde influence of the transit of Mars. Personally I enjoy retrograde influences but am unsure whether Mars can explain the fact I have been neurotically workaholic for the last 23 years. If so, Mars has a lot to answer for.

I’m more happy with the fact that Neptune was responsible for me not settling for anything less than my true soul mate. Sadly, excess alcohol has proven this wrong on several occasions this year. I can’t say that I am convinced that Saturn was responsible for my relatively frugal 2012. I tend to blame the rather large mortgage I have with the BNZ.

I think I can honestly say I have not read a horoscope for a couple of decades!

Kings of the Gym had its premiere at Circa last night. It was fabulous fun, with some stand out acting.

The play is set at decile 2 Hautapu High School, and pokes lots of fun at education bureaucracy, political correctness, Destiny Church and even Novopay gets the odd mention! The set was very authentic, with even the fluorescent tube lights in the office reminding you of your own school days.

Ginette McDonald plays Viv Cleaver, the school principal. The principal, referred to as Cleavage by the PE HOD Laurie, is a politically correct bureaucrat who is obsessed with improving the NCEA grades and making sure her friends in the education bureaucracy think highly of her. It is a tribute to McDonald’s skills that she doesn’t just make Cleaver a caricature – but actually turns a pretty unsympathetic character sympathetic.

McDonald has some comic gold lines, and is just superb.

Paul McLaughlin portrays his character perfectly.  Laurie drives Cleaver mad. He mocks the curriculum and files it in the bin. He states how the PE curriculum mentions well-being 73 times, and winning just once – to stress it is not important. His idea of a class is to play soccer. He’ll often delegate the ref to someone else so he can watch TV and bet on the TAB.

But Laurie is a likeable rogue, and his kids all love him. In fact one of them has become the 2nd teacher in the department, and has seemingly thrown away any ambition and his degree, to be a mini-Laurie. That is Pat, played by Richard Dey. The chemistry between Dey and McLaughlin helps make the play so excellent. The looks they give each other, the hassling, and especially Laurie’s expression when he finds out the girl Pat likes is already engaged. Many comic moments.

You never see the kids on the stage, but they are used to humanise the characters. Cleaver and Annie are horrified that the Vietnamese student is called “Chopsticks” by Laurie, despite he fact that is the name he prefers. He is so good at soccer he is told he must play left footed. Laurie also tells the kids they must have at least three girls on each team, otherwise the boys will win. Hilarious, harsh judgement calls.

But Dougal is the student you hear most about. If he scores a goal, it is worth five points as Dougal has Downs. At first you think such statements are so insensitive, but you later hear how he helps Laurie after school stack up the gym equipment (even though Laurie can do it quicker by himself) and realise behind the gruff, Laurie is hugely protective of Dougal.

Acushla-Tara Sutton plays Annie, the student teacher. At first she is just an over eager high achiever who insists on goals for every class. She is also a top sportswoman, and on the verge of making the Silver Ferns. But the real tensions comes when it emerges she is a born again Christian, and a member of Destiny Church (they don’t call it Destiny in the play – but it obviously is). The real tensions come when in biology class she refers to there being two schools of thought on where humans came from. She also sets up a church youth group, and has some of the students make purity pledges.

The play isn’t mocking of Christians, or the church. In fact she plays tribute to how they helped her, and the real message of the play is about tolerance.

There are some great one liners such as how pregnancy and STDs are the only two areas where the school over-achieves, and a line by the principal about how if one particular female student abstains for even a week, that will reduce the chlamydia rate. Many laughs through the whole play. The first half was a bit more tense at times, while the second half which had the big plot twist and the eventual happy ending had more of those laugh out loud moments – not the dignified giggles – but the forced laughter as it was so hilarious.

Kings of the Gym was a terrifically funny play which made for a great night’s entertainment. Dave Armstrong has produced a very New Zealand comedy that has near universal appeal.