Love the Men in Black theme.Tags: Air New Zealand
Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
Metro Magazine reports:
Tags: David Farrier, DPF, Metro
David Farrier, broadcaster, and David Farrar, pollster, died April 1, 2077.
This article was featured in the July/August 2015 issue of Metro. Illustration by Daron Parton.
David Farrier and David Farrar had almost nothing in common and yet they would eventually become as entangled as an earphone cable. They died together, violently, savaged by a deranged parakeet, in a flat they shared with Samantha Hayes. An attractive TV presenter, Hayes is 94.
The two men’s beginnings were profoundly different. Farrier was tall, ruggedly good looking, a popular head boy at his Christian college in Tauranga. Farrar was more the Wellington chess club type.
Farrier liked babes and dudes, Farrar liked babes and debating. They both knew what they wanted and before long they had it: Farrier, a quirky late-night TV news show; Farrar, a blog.
They came to prominence during the long administration of Prime Minister John Key, a man who believed in doing as little as possible. In this he was assisted by Farrar, whose polling company prepared a variety of excuses for doing nothing and tested them by phoning families at dinner time. How little did people care about boat people? How untroubled were they by waitress harassment? The PM had him on speed dial.
Farrier travelled a gentler road, toting a video camera and an abundant curiosity. He sat in a sauna to better understand Colin Craig; he travelled to the Gobi Desert to better understand the Mongolian Death Worm.
The similarity of their names endlessly confused people. Farrier would feel a stab of unhappiness when someone called him a contemptible stain on politics. Farrar would be sad to find he wasn’t the dude Lorde was trying to phone.
But the confusion invited comedy. Together they interviewed singing twin sisters the Veronicas. They prank-called the Prime Minister. As TV current affairs rubbed itself down to a nub, their quirkiness grew ever bolder.
When Farrier’s Newsworthy show began, head transplants were only being spoken of as far-off medical fantasy, but the science developed swiftly, and so did the clamour from the viewers to see the two Davids switch heads. The result was “mad”, wrote TV reviewer Diana Wichtel, “but strangely compelling”.
And yet behind all the laughter lay deep trauma.
In his early thirties, Farrier had acquired Keith, a handsome orange parakeet, but discovered within a short time that he detested the bird, so hateful and incessant was its scream.
He expected it would live another 20 years, an impossibly long time to wait for some peace and quiet. He was quite sure no one would take it, not with all that ghastly racket. He couldn’t contemplate wringing its neck.
He turned to Farrar, a master of dark arts, for suggestions. Farrar had plenty. They put Keith in a courier parcel to the Green Party. They left him on the seat at a Peter Jackson movie. They did things with superglue they weren’t proud of. And yet no matter what they did, he found his way back, each time more shrill, each time more enraged. Worst of all, he lived many, many more years than 20.
“I told David it was going to end badly, but now I just wonder if I even told the right one,” lamented Hayes. “They used to say only their mothers could tell them apart. And look, I was just their flatmate,” said the attractive redhead, whose new show starts this Sunday.
The Herald reports:
A British comedian disrupted a news conference by Sepp Blatter overnight, showering the FIFA president with fake money.
As Blatter took his seat, performer Simon Brodkin rose from a front-row seat to confront him.
“This is for North Korea 2026,” Brodkin said as he put the bills on the desk in front of Blatter. “Thank you very much. As a North Korean football ambassador, I’m delighted that I’ve been able to seal the deal with FIFA and North Korea for the 2026 World Cup. It makes sense for everyone.”
Brodkin then tossed the notes into the air as security led him away.
“Here we go Sepp,” he said. “Thank you. Cheers Sepp. It’s all there, as discussed. Thank you. Good doing business.”
Classic. It’s funny because it is so close to the truth.Tags: FIFA
Leyonhjelm is the Australian Senate’s only classical liberal Senator.Tags: David Leyonhjelm
Go to 3 News for a hilarious video of Colin Craig being interviewed in a sauna by David Farrier.
Craig is hardly sweating at all, while Farrier is turning into a waterfall. Farrier starts stripping off while interviewing. Colin Craig is a great sport going along, and even shares a post sauna shower with Farrier.
I wonder who will be the next sauna interview?Tags: Colin Craig, David Farrier
The Daily Mail reports:
When Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn split over a week ago, the Olympic skiier posted on Facebook the explanation that ‘both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.’
Daily Mail Online can now exclusively reveal that during one of those ‘times apart’ Tiger cheated on Lindsey – with a ‘faceless, nameless woman’, a friend reveals.
Who is surprised? He cheated on his wife with over a dozen women. His 45 day therapy programme doesn’t seem to done the job!
But the news does remind me of this interview John Key did in 2008:
OH: Who are your heroes and role models?
JK: Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods.
Heh, with hindsight perhaps not the best two choices. Of course he was referring to their success in the two areas he is passionate about – politics and golf.Tags: John Key, Tiger Woods
From Brent Edwards:
The EPMU Press Freedom Debate will be held at the Backbencher Pub on Thursday, May 7. Doors open at 5pm but the fun debate itself will start about 7.15 to 7.30pm.
The debate will raise money for the Media Safety and Solidarity Fund which supports press freedom and journalists’ safety in the Asia-Pacific region. Specifically the fund helps pay the education costs of about 100 children of journalists murdered in the Philippines and about 20 children of journalists murdered in Nepal. We have just agreed to fund a similar project in Pakistan.
The moot is: That only new MPs have anything worthwhile to say.
The affirmative: Chris Bishop, James Shaw, Marama Fox
The negative: Peter Dunne, Metiria Turei, Chris Hipkins
The chair: Carol Hirschfeld
The tickets cost $25 each.
Contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org
I’ve been to a few of these (and even been in one of the teams) and they’re usually pretty funny (and rude) affairs.
Tags: debating, press freedom
The Washington Post reports:
The police officer had just finished an earnest presentation on counter-extremism before an audience of 200 restless teenagers at an East London high school when a young man of Pakistani origin in a black hoodie took the stage.
“How many of you people are Muslim?” the man barked.
He grinned as nearly every hand went up.
“Guys, we can take over! Sharia law coming soon!” the man cried gleefully. “Allahu Akbar!”
The teens erupted in laughter even before the man had a chance to clarify: “I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I think I scared the white people.”
It’s the kind of knowing humor that has made 29-year-old Humza Arshad an Internet sensation, a hero to Muslim teenagers and perhaps the most potent new weapon in Britain’s arsenal as it wages an increasingly desperate campaign to counter violent Islamist extremism.
At a time when the flow of British Muslims to the war in Syria shows no sign of ebbing, Arshad has positioned himself as the anti-Jihadi John. Like Mohammed Emwazi, the scowling Islamic State executioner, Arshad is a London-raised Muslim from an immigrant family whose face has become instantly recognizable to millions of young Brits through videos uploaded online.
We need more people like this.
But where Emwazi seeks to terrify the world and seduce fresh recruits to join his bloodthirsty crusade, Arshad’s message is precisely the opposite: Laugh at extremism; don’t fall prey to it.
In his “Diary of a Bad Man” series, Arshad plays a wannabe gangster who gets beaten up by girls, peed on by a fox and endlessly ridiculed by his mother. But he also manages to save his cousin from a descent into radicalism, and uses lessons from the Koran to urge others to steer away from violence.
This spring, Arshad has taken his message directly to students through an unusual partnership with Scotland Yard in which the police sponsor him to tell jokes at London-area high schools. The program has been a hit, with schools across the city vying for his time and officials planning to take the program nationwide.
Probably more effective than several dozen community engagement panels.Tags: Humour, Humza Arshad, Islam
If you currently have a third level .nz name such as kiwiblog.co.nz please be aware that if you have preferential rights to that name at the second level (ie kiwiblog.nz) then you ONLY have until 1 pm on Monday 30 March to register or reserve that name with your preferential rights.
After 1 pm, ANYONE can register your name at the second level, if you have preferential rights to it and do not exercise them.
I have registered kiwiblog.nz, but if I had not then ANYONE else could register it after 1 pm on Monday 30 March.
If you wish to check the status of any names you have, go to anyname.nz. Just enter in your current names and it will tell you whether or not you have preferential rights to the second level version. If you do, you can then either reserve that second level name free of charge for two years at that site – or you can register it for use through your registrar.
But again you only have until 1 pm on Monday the 30th to reserve or register it with preferential rights. After that time it is first in and first served.Tags: domain names
Middle eastern politics and terrorism was the prevalent theme with the cartoonists this week.
This cartoon is by Gary Varvel (whose cartoons are consistently funny and thought provoking).
The obvious dislike between Obama and Netanyahu must be music to the ears of Israel’s enemies in the Middle East. This is something I find very troubling as Israel and USA need to stand together now more than ever. In my opinion ISIS and friends are winning the war on terror. It pains me to admit it, but ISIS and friends are more organised than America and its allies. It is certainly reminiscent of the 1930’s when fascism was growing.
Also why is Obama so bent on agreeing to a deal with Iran? It seems like a very risky strategy to me.Tags: cartoons
Hillary and her emails was like last week the favourite topic with the cartoonists. Instead I’ve chosen two cartoons on different topics.
The first cartoon by John Deering makes fun of Obama’s Middle East policy in particular the relationship with Saudi Arabia.
© John Deering (Andy Marlette News Journal) – Found at Real Clear Politics
The second by Gary Varvel pokes fun at Washington DC and Republicans by showing the elephants.
© Gary Varvel – Found at Real Clear PoliticsTags: cartoons, US politics
I haven’t had the time to keep up with has been going here at Kiwiblog but I imagine the topic of the cartoon has been discussed already.
Hillary Clinton’s email server at her home is now a real problem for her as Gary Varvel observes.
© Gary Varvel – Found at Real Clear Politics
Now I’m not a Clinton hater and think that Bill Clinton despite his obvious faults was a better POTUS than G W Bush and Barack Obama. But that said the Clinton’s would have to be the equal of Richard Nixon when it comes to playing dirty, tricky, sneaky political games to keep ahead. If a GOP Secretary of State did what Hillary has done and set up their own email server they would have been crucified by the US media.
As for Hillary as a presidential candidate, she looks more and more like in political terms she’s over the hill. If I was a Democrat I’d be concerned.Tags: cartoons, US politics
The Herald reports:
Sexually transmitted infections should be reclassified to enable better tracking and treatment as social media influences sexual behaviour and more drug-resistant strains emerge, a health authority says.
Regional Public Health, in the greater Wellington region, has supported legislation that will place HIV, gonorrhea and syphilis on the list of notifiable diseases, meaning more information about cases would be collected by authorities.
But it also wants chlamydia – the country’s most common STI – to be notified, as well as specified antibiotic resistant bacterial infections.
But would that work in Hamilton, the STI capital of NZ? Wouldn’t it be easier for authorities to just notify when someone in Hamilton doesn’t have chlamydia?Tags: Hamilton, STIs
I’ve been rather tied up by ‘real life’ to read any of the goings on here at Kiwiblog over the last week let alone post but here are couple of cartoons that tickled my funny bone.
The first relates to the US State Department spokesperson Marie Harf saying that one issue with the ISIS terrorists is that they’re unemployed. They do have a job, it is killing anyone who doesn’t agree with their fanatical ideology.
© Michael Ramirez: found at Real Clear Politics
The second cartoon is about Vice President Joe Biden getting over friendly with the new US Secretary of Defence Ashton Carter’s wife at an event in Washington DC last week. Whatever his motivations this did have a bad look.
© Gary Varvel: found at Real Clear PoliticsTags: cartoons, US politics
This week’s Steve Braunias is rather good. An extract:
Just as I sit down for breakfast the phone rings and it’s Sky CEO Nigel Morrison demanding I come over right now and go through new costings for the convention centre or the whole deal is off. No problem. I grab toast, sausages, tomatoes, hash browns and a lamb chop to go, and scamper across town.
He presents the figures and draws up an architectural plan and says that without government funding the conventional centre will be minus windows, light bulbs and women’s toilets on the third floor.
I tell him if you carry the two and divide by six and move that column over to the left and this column over to the right and shake it all about then it’s entirely possible to make an allowance for three windows and five light bulbs on the second floor.
“Tell you what, sport,” he says. “Gizzus that toast in your pocket and we’ll throw it in the women’s toilets on the sixth floor.”
I weigh up the toast and figure I can always get my hands on some more down the line so I narrow my eyes and say to him, “Deal.”
It’s only when I get back to the office that I remember the convention centre doesn’t have a sixth floor.
Tags: Steve Braunias, Steven Joyce
Just as I sit down to microwave yesterday’s breakfast the phone rings and it’s my mole in the America’s Cup syndicate saying that Dean Barker is in for the chop and without him any chance of winning the next series is lost. No worries. I grab sausages, tomatoes, hash browns, and a lamb chop to go, and head for the waterfront.
I figure that if I delegate one or two minor responsibilities to the Prime Minister then I’ll be able to find the time to helm the black boat to victory, but first I just need a bit of practice.
First image is of David Bain in today’s NZ Herald, trying to make the case he didn’t kill his family.
I thought it would be hard for him to find a worse jersey than the one he was arrested in, but this one manages it!
Tags: David Bain
Whilst the standing down of Brian Williams from NBC continues to tickle the funny bone of the US cartoonists I’ve chosen one cartoon about Obama’s Iraq policy and the other about Jeb Bush.
The first is by Michael Ramirez and highlights an issue with Obama’s foreign policy and the lack of properly defined endgame. The word overcautious comes to mind.
© Michael Ramirez: found at Real Clear Politics
The other cartoon by Andy Marlette makes fun of Jeb Bush’s strategy of seemingly trying to win the GOP presidential nomination by hoovering up the big $’s early on from the key GOP donors. He hasn’t as yet convinced me that his policy ideas are winners. He is a winner in the piling up the campaign funds contest though.
© Andy Marlette: Found at Real Clear PoliticsTags: cartoons, US politics
Enter your captions below. As always, funny not nasty. Especially this timeTags: caption contest
Plenty of topics for the US cartoonists to choose from, anything from the US debt, to ISIS, the measles and Brian Williams!
The first cartoon I’ve selected is about the massive US debt and Obama’s attitude towards it.
© Gary Varvel: Found at Real Clear Politics
The other cartoon is for all the Cheney haters out there! It compares Brian Williams to Dick Cheney re Iraq. I’m not a Cheney hater but I can still see the funny side of this one.
© Nick Anderson: Found at Real Clear PoliticsTags: cartoons, US politics
A hilarious thread on Reddit when someone asked on Reddit “Are there a lot of spiders in NZ, compared to the US?”
The most popular and hence top answer was:
There are quite a few but during the summer months when they’re breeding you’re allowed to catch the adults if they’re more than 12cm (five inches) wide.
In my experience it’s best to warn tourists before they eat a dish with them in it because some people can be fussy when it comes to what they’re used to eating. TBH it’s mainly older people who have them, younger people would rather have McDonalds or something.
This then led to scores of further comments, all keeping the theme going.
You got the recipe for Katipo fritters? I remember we used to have them down at the batch. Nana and grandad would turn up in the Morris with a chillybin full and we’d fry them up on the beach with kea eggs and sheep’s milk. Never found the recipe.
Damn things are endangered now. The Katipo, not the sheep.
To that end, it is common for New Zealanders to travel out to the beaches and forests of New Zealand during summer (peak breeding season) to help keep numbers down, walking through the bush and fossicking through the dunes in an effort to help out our native populations by thinning numbers of non-indigenous spiders while getting a really good feed.
I don’t think I’m out of line in saying it is many New Zealander’s most treasured part of our national day, Waitangi Day, which commemorates Maori and the Crown reaching agreement on the management of our spider population, and then sitting down to a shared meal of roasted spiders, a tradition that lives on to this day.
With Waitangi day being tomorrow (Feb 6th) I’m really looking forward to my family’s traditional spider cook-up! This year we are trying a variant of pavlova that utilises spider eggs! Yum!
And quite cleverly:
It’s a bloody outrage they reduced the size limit to 12cm IMO. Back when I was a kid, you used to be able to find heaps that were over 20cm! We sold them to the local fish and chip shop, they made fritters out of them. After all the lobbying to reduce the size limits, the proper sized ones are so much rarer. I think the commercial companies have just over foraged, and we might see a real reduction in our stocks in time. That said, I can’t see it happening in the next decade or so.
This is why I voted National. They were the only party to promise to completely revise the Arachnid Harvesting Act so that every day New Zealanders can enjoy an eight-legged feed like the old days. Spiders and snapper were the most important election issues last year imho.
But remember when Simon Bridges opened up the Spider Sanctuary to oil drilling? An oil spill would be catastrophic for our spider-based economy.
Best of all:
New Zealand actually has the most spiders per capita (SPCA it’s called in official documentation). We signed a treaty with them to give them the sovereign nation of Hamilton. …
Shortly thereafter, they died of chlamydia. …
Not ALL of them died. A lot moved to Gore.
Read the whole thread and enjoy.Tags: reddit, spiders