Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
Satirist Ben Uffindell writes:
If you’ve ever lived in a household, chances are you’ve played a game called Monopoly, a faux contest where families set out to ruin the free market by establishing unfair wealth distribution and enacting strange laws that force people to sleep at the nearest hotel and pay rent for a bizarre number of houses against their will. In real life, we call this “Auckland.”
I’ve played enough games of Monopoly to know that, at some point, someone gets so far ahead that everyone gets extremely bored.
It’s then common practice for the winner to do something outrageously stupid to make the game more competitive and keep everyone else interested.
Prime Minister: if the Government is truly a household, then it’s time for you to be that guy.
Because I often wonder, John, can this really be any fun for you? Are you the kind of person who enjoys beating your children at complex games of strategy? Surely not.
Clearly gifting the campaign of their dreams to your opponents, while having allegations drip-fed against your Government, and a senior minister resigning, simply wasn’t enough.
If you’re going to make this a fair contest, you’re going to have to step your game up and do the equivalent of mortgaging all your properties to buy back the electric company.
Hell, why don’t you literally buy back the electric company? Punch a kid live on television? Film a series of ads in which you endorse David Cunliffe? Take up smoking? Not tobacco; meth.
Just something. Please. Anything.
The only problem with Ben’s plea is that MMP is different to monopoly. In monopoly the person with the most money (votes) wins. In MMP the five players who came 2nd to 6th can team up, pool their votes (money) and be declared the winner.
It is still a close race. Not between National and Labour, but between National and Labour, Greens, NZ First, Mana and Internet.
Tags: Ben Uffindell, Election 2014, monopoly
Ben Uffendell from The Civilian Party writes in the NZ Herald:
How you perceive this election really depends on your political allegiance.
If you’re a big National supporter, you’ve got nothing to worry about, and subsequently nothing to invest in.
If you hate National, there’s a high chance you think this is the most important election of our generation, that this is the most right-wing government in New Zealand history, and there’s a vague chance your house is bugged.
I envy you in your fantasy world, Martyn Bradbury, because if you’re absolutely anyone else, it’s boring.
And it’s not just boring because it isn’t truly competitive; it’s boring because the issues I heard discussed on Thursday night were the same four or five issues I’ve heard discussed for the entirety of my life, and the changes being proposed in those areas – while significant in the context of the status quo – are actually very minor in the scale of possible change. Sometimes I just wish John Key would come out and say: “We’re selling it. We’re selling it all. Everything. To Burger King.”
Perhaps I just wish our elections were more ambitious, less safe, bold, with no pale pastels.
There was a time when we had the courage and lack of foresight to completely overhaul our social and economic structures.
Whatever happened to that? We once had a Prime Minister who called an election while drunk. How have we fallen so far since then?
If it takes six years to balance a budget, and another six years to build some houses, then I’ll be long dead before anything exciting or significant happens.
Oh might not be that long. Think if there is a Government propped up by the Internet Mana Party and a Judge rules that Kim Dotcom can be extradited, meaning the decision then goes to the Minister of Justice. Then you’ll have fireworks!
And if National or Labour don’t want to commit to actually changing anything, they could at least make us look interesting. Rebrand.
Get rid of the kiwi and replace it with a tiger or something. When we look at ourselves, do we really see a bird that can’t fly? Actually, maybe.
Or how about replacing the national anthem with something that has a smooth, hip-hop beat?
No one listens to the old one in their spare time, and half of it I don’t even understand what the words mean.
Hell, I don’t understand the Maori version, either.
Vote Civilian for a new national anthem!Tags: The Civilian
Grant McDougall at Public Address has a blog on which beer each party might be. His picks are:
- National – Tui
- Labour – Monteith’s
- Greens – Emerson’s
- United Future – Rheineck
- NZ First – Lion Brown
- ACT – Budweiser
- Internet-Mana – Boundary Road
- Maori – DB Draught
- Conservatives – Steinlager Lite
His explanations for each are amusing.
United Future is most hard done by. I recall Rheineck, but not fondly.Tags: beer
We all know this verse from Lord of the Rings:
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
A reader has sent in a NZ version, in case the left win:
Three Rings for Internet Mana living a lie, Seven for the Unions with their hearts of stone, Nine for Mortal Business doomed to die, One for the CTU on its dark throne In the Land of Labour where the Unions lie.
One Contract to rule them all, One Contract to find them, One Contract to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Labour where the Unions lie.
I love it.
Tags: Humour, Lord of the Rings
~ Squeaky Lino intheHallsofPowerSqueaky Lino
Good news for fake news, with a satirical political party successfully registering just in time for the election.
The Electoral Commission has announced the Civilian Party has got enough members on board to contest the election.
The party was born out of parody news website The Civilian, and promises free ice cream for everyone, and making the rest of New Zealand independent from Hamilton.
I’m glad they made it. Of all the joke parties standing for Parliament, they’re the only funny one!Tags: Election 2014, The Civilian
By Squeaky Lino (In the Halls of Power)Squeaky Lino
Courtesy of John StringerTags: John Stringer
Not a bad parody of Lorde by “Weird AL” Yankovic. The tinfoil hats seems politically relevant at the moment!Tags: Lorde
Trans-Tasman has been leaked copies of the draft 2014 manifestos.
TransTasman has obtained draft manifestos of most of the country’s political parties for Election 2014
National’s is all glossy photos o f John Key, with his most common comment at media briefings, “I wouldn’t want to go into details” emblazoned in Royal Blue.
Labour’s is much larger: “All Our Yesterdays” is a reproduction of Norman Kirk’s much thumbed “little red book” and an even more frequently thumbed copy of Nicky Hager’s “The Hollow Men,” with an inspirational photo of David Cunliffe wearing a miner’s helmet and a sugarbag, gazing into the future and holding a glass of pinot noir.
The Greens have some very serious stuff about eradicating child poverty for Maui dolphins and an intergalactic committee of experts for the eradication of climate change. The Greens have decided the way to stop people thinking they are wacky is to be very boring. They may have over corrected a bit.
We haven’t got anything yet on Peter Dunne, but early intelligence suggests a sort of reverse version of the Greens’ strategy.
Hailing a return to the days of Dick Seddon, NZ First leader Winston Peters is to announce a poll tax for Chinese immigrants.
ACT’s is Jamie Whyte’s written sequel to John Locke’s ‘Two Treatises on Government.’ In keeping with ACT’s philosophy, it is called Half a Treatise on Government.
Not a lot from the Mana-Internet Party yet: policy work thus far consists of a hurried email suggesting grabbing Kim Dotcom’s copy of Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf; getting hold of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital, and “stick the best bits together.”
Heh, not bad,Tags: trans-Tasman
From John Key’s Facebook page to the Official Monster Raving Loony Party and a video of a laser-chasing kitty cat – the man behind Sue Moroney’s billboard prank is offering a moving feast of political larrikinism.
This has been hilarious – the latest redirect is to The Civilian,
Last week, Moroney erected an election sign in the Hamilton West electorate with an expired domain name obscured under masking tape.
The masking tape was removed, revealing an obsolete campaign web address from 2008. Someone notified West Auckland IT guy Frank Collingwood, who registered it and began his shenanigans.
“It’s their own fault for putting up a billboard with an expired domain name, which can be registered by anyone,” Collingwood said in an email.
Collingwood was last in Hamilton more than a decade ago and was not affiliated with any political party in New Zealand, but said the claim the prime minister was behind it was “quite frankly, ridiculous”.
Moroney was silly enough to use some old hoardings, and she is blaming the PM for this guy having a sense of humour.
He said the link to Key’s Facebook page was “one in a long list of possible redirections” which had gone from the moggy videos to McGillicuddy Serious Party archives posted on Youtube.
The Monster Raving Loony Party was established in England in 1983 by musician David Sutch, better known as Screaming Lord Sutch, who Collingwood said was an “absolute legend” and “superb role model” for politicians.
“I really don’t even want any publicity, just seemed a good prank at a time when pollies across the spectrum are taking themselves far too seriously,” he said.
I wonder how many other Labour hoardings have the old URL on them, plastered over? One good reasons to not have a different site for every election.Tags: Sue Moroney
Rik Mayall as Alan B’stard lauds the virtues of the Alternate Voting system, for the No to AV campaign a couple of years ago. This follows on from his characters’comment that the beauty of proportional voting is that even if they don’t vote for you, you’ll probably still get in.Tags: Rik Mayall
The Daily Mail reports:
In humans the ‘eureka moment’ is a commonly known feeling that occurs when we solve a particularly troubling problem.
But new research suggests that we’re not the only animals to experience this – dogs, too, gain pleasure from solving a tricky task.
In a series of experiments, scientists found dogs were happier when they earned a reward by performing a task, rather than just being handed a treat.
Those dogs won’t be Labour voters then!
The experimental dogs were only given access to the treat on the ramp when they successfully manipulated the three pieces of equipment they had been trained to use.
The control dogs, meanwhile, were given access to the reward when the puzzles were solved by their partner in the other arena, irrespective of how they used the equipment.
The dogs in the pairs were then tasked with performing the same run several times, and also played both roles of experimental and control dog.
The researchers found the experimental dogs were much more excited to actually get in the arena and solve the pieces of equipment.
On repeated runs they showed visible excitement, such as wagging their tails vigorously, at being led to the entrance to solve the problems again.
The control dogs, on the other hand, were more reluctant to go in and pick up their treat without having to solve any of the ‘puzzles’.
This, according to the researchers, shows that dogs enjoy problem-solving just like humans do.
Good doggy.Tags: welfare