Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Celia’s exit strategy

July 13th, 2016 at 7:00 am by David Farrar

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Stuff reports on Celia’s exit strategy!

The NZ gardening ban

June 20th, 2016 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Joshua Drummond at The Spinoff highlights a great thread at Reddit about how personal gardening in NZ is banned. It happened a year ago but came back to life when people attributed the avocado shortage to the ban on gardening.

Some of my favourite extracts:

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Actually tariffs to protect farmers are about as logical as banning gardening to protect farmers!

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A great film by the way.

Josh also does a short history of gardening on his own site:

after the 1981 Spring Bok Choi riots, about which more hardly needs to be said, Prime Minister David Lange was cautious about allowing further gardening activities. With New Zealand public opinion on the resumption of gardening split, after Muldoon’s hastily-called Snapdragon Election, Lange was invited to debate an earnest American private horticultural advocate, Jerry Falwell, at the Oxford Club. The moot: Personal Gardens are Morally Indefensible. It looked for a time like Lange had met his match as the Falwell led an impassioned defense of the role private gardens played in winning World War Two and in the balance of power in the postwar period.

“I can smell the fertiliser on your breath,” Lange retorted, famously…

Love it.

Took the easy way out

May 29th, 2016 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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And this one is actually true.

Tolerance

May 24th, 2016 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

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Sent in by a reader.

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The Tickled Movie

May 20th, 2016 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

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I was one of the hundreds or thousands who helped crown fund this documentary, which has had rave reviews, and even been promoted by Rolling Stone magazine. Hollywood Reporter reviewed:

When David Farrier came across social-media notice of a “competitive endurance tickling” event in Los Angeles, he thought he’d lit upon another amusingly weird topic for his lighthearted reports on New Zealand television. But the Donkey Lady, frog-eating survivalists and Justin Bieber were nothing compared with what the pop-culture journalist would uncover.

In the captivating and jaw-dropping Tickled, he and fellow first-time director Dylan Reeve chronicle an investigation that would take them down a rabbit hole of legal threats and private investigators, leading to a mysterious deep-pocketed exploiter of young men in the name of a fetish subculture. But the erotic-torture appeal of tickling (who knew?) is only a piece of the suspenseful puzzle. In its genial, low-key way, the film, premiering at Sundance, is a chilling account of cyberbullying, perpetrated on a disturbingly wide scale over many years.

I’ll be moderating the Q+A at The Roxy after the 8 pm showing on Monday 23rd, so if you want to see it in Wellington, come along to that session.

Links to tickets are on their website here.

If the 2016 presidential candidates were ‘Game of Thrones’ characters

May 18th, 2016 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

The Washington Post assigns characters:

  • Donald Trump: Robert Baratheon
  • Hillary Clinton: Cersei Lannister
  • Bernie Sanders: Ellaria Sand
  • Ted Cruz: Tyrion Lannister
  • Jeb Bush: Stannis Baratheon
  • Marco Rubio: Renly Baratheon
  • John Kasich: Rickon Stark
  • Martin O’Malley: Ned Stark
  • Carly Fiorina: Margaery Tyrell
  • Ben Carson: Gregor Clegane
  • Mike Huckabee: The High Sparrow
  • Chris Christie: Jorah Mormont
  • Rand Paul: Khal Drogo
  • Rick Perry: Robb Stark
  • Lindsey Graham: Davos Seaworth
  • Scott Walker: Jon Arryn

Some of them surprise but their reasoning is pretty sound.

Imperator Fish on Labour

May 16th, 2016 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Imperator Fish blogs:

October 2008

When the voters learn what we know about John Key – or what we will soon know once Mike Williams returns from Melbourne – they will be appalled. We now know what the H in H-Fee stands for. It’s “Hasta la vista, baby!”

July 2009

The honeymoon is finally over. John Key is an empty vessel, a man without any convictions, a rich prick who will say anything to be elected. We are in the midst of a global financial crisis, but let’s focus on issues of character and integrity, and not allow ourselves to be distracted by all that other stuff.

August 2011

The honeymoon is finally over. There is a mood of change in the air. The public are falling out of love with John Key. Everywhere I go people tell me they think John Key is an untrustworthy unprincipled swine. His lies are finally coming back to haunt him. This could be the turning point!

January 2013

The honeymoon is finally, finally over. People are finally seeing John Key for what he is – an entitled member of the 1%. We need to double down on our strategy of relentlessly attacking the Prime Minister at every opportunity. If we absolutely must mention jobs, the economy or housing, let’s do so in a way that frames John Key as being uncaring and in the pay of big business. We can’t afford for our ideas to stand on their own merits.

A pretty good summary of Labour for the first few years.

May 2016

This Panama Papers business is alarming, but it’s also the opportunity we’ve all been waiting for. John Key is super wealthy, and we don’t like him, so it stands to reason that he must be up to his neck in all of this. Quick, type his name into the database! Nothing? No, there must be some mistake. Try again. Again, damn you! Well, not to worry. He must use a different Panamanian law firm. He’s still a smug rich prick, and that’s what counts. That’s the message we need to ensure the voters take out of this.

And a summary of their current strategy.

Imperator Fish looks forward:

September 2021

The economy is in a downwards spiral, the world dairy market has collapsed, and global warming and a series of natural disasters have devastated the country. But politically I feel as if we have turned a corner. People are finally focusing on how out of touch John Key is. We just need to drive the message home. Dig up everything you can on the guy. Do we know anyone who knew him at school? Did he steal anyone’s lunch money? Did he ever get a detention? Could there be some connection between John Key and Bernie Madoff that we haven’t yet uncovered? Let’s leave no stone unturned this time, guys. Let’s give our leader some powerful ammunition. She needs something to throw at Key during Question Time today.

April 2027

Our new leader really got some blows in during Question Time today. I’ve not seen any of our 23 leaders since Helen Clark land so many punches. He had Key floundering when he asked about Key’s association with the guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who got done for tax evasion back in the 1980s. I reckon we might just have picked up a few votes today from all the people who follow Parliamentary proceedings, or at least the three of them who aren’t fiercely partisan in their party loyalties.

Heh. May this prediction come true.

February 2044

If Prime Minister Key has a weak spot, it’s his lack of integrity and his fundamental dishonesty. That’s where we need to focus our attentions.

His father John was just the same.

Double heh.

Obama at his final WHC Dinner

May 2nd, 2016 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Obama may not have been a great President, but he does perform well at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His jokes manage to be funny, but not nasty. A good mix of self-deprecating humour and humour at other politicians.

Trump can take a joke also. He actually took part in a Comedy Central Roast which is exceptionally brutal.

2016 Press Freedom Debate

April 20th, 2016 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

The annual press freedom debate is coming up, which is always a fun night which also raises money for the Media Safety and Solidarity Fund, a joint fund with the Media Alliance in Australia which help journalists and their families around the Asia-Pacific region.

Details are:

  • Date: Thursday May the 5th
  • Venue: The Backbencher.
  • Moot: ‘That local body elections are a waste of time’
  • Affirmative: David Seymour, Andrew Little, David Townsend.
  • Negative: Judith Collins, Metiria Turei, Pinky Agnew.
  • Chair: Jane Patterson.
  • Tickets: $25 from Brent or Jane

Will be fascinating to see David Seymour and Andrew Little on the same time, and same for Judith Collins and Metiria Turei.

Never call a Judge a c*** on the Internet!

April 18th, 2016 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

This transcript was found by Tim Murphy at The Spinoff. Hilarious. Good on the Judge.

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A by-election only three people can vote in

April 16th, 2016 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Buzzfeed reports:

On 19 April possibly the strangest democratic election to any legislature in the world will take place, with seven candidates competing for the votes of three people for one place in the British parliament.

The winning individual will be able to vote on laws, propose amendments, and challenge ministers in parliament. They’ll also be able to claim £300 a day whenever they turn up to work, take advantage of all the facilities parliament offers, and retain the job for life.

Turnout for the ballot is expected to hit 100% since the entire electorate, who collectively get to choose who will receive lifetime membership of parliament, consists of just three people.

Any British citizen is eligible to stand for election to the position on the conditions that a) they are a Liberal Democrat, and b) they have inherited a peerage from their father.

Which is three people, so three Liberal Democrat Peers will elect a forth peer to join them.

It reminds me of this Blackadder episode:

Best Green Party ad

April 12th, 2016 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

This is very funny, and pointed.

Blunt on burglaries

March 26th, 2016 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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The unofficial guide to lefties

March 6th, 2016 at 9:00 am by David Farrar

An unofficial guide to left-wingers:

Many left-wing people have a very nice life, but they like to be sad. To help with this, they choose to be sad for other people. Sometimes these people are far away and sometimes they are nearby, but different to them.

In the olden days, left-wing people tried to make it better for other people. Nowadays, they like to protect them by being offended when a working-class person person doesn’t behave properly.

Left-wing like to help other people by being offended on their behalf. This means that the other people can carry on with their lives and the left-wing people do all the work. This isn’t really fair, but the left-wing people seem to carry on doing it, so they must enjoy it. 

Being offended on behalf of others is always a good sign.

Left-wing people care so much, it makes them hate people who don’t show that they care. These people are right-wing people. Left-wing people have given them a name, it is “Tory scum”. Left-wing people like to shout at the right-wing people and tell them that they are scum, even when they aren’t listening.

Shouting at the Tories is another way to show that they care. Caring is very important to left-wing people.

Left-wing people care so deeply that they don’t have time for thinking and convincing. They use their precious time for shouting about caring.

Also, working-class people don’t know what left-wing people are saying, so it is helpful when they point to the right-wing people and shout “scum”. They think that working-class people do understand shouting and caring.

And a test:

If you have observed someone and you are not sure if they are a left-wing person, seek their opinion on “the Tories”. If they start to shout and care, they are left-wing.

In NZ, just ask about John Key!

Left-wing activists are left-wing people who have an internet connection. They make the internet very loud.

Left-wing activists help other people care on the internet. They are very helpful in pointing out when people have forgotten to show that they care. They help people in many ways – watching videos, commenting on things and clicking on buttons called “start a petition”. Left-wing activists sometimes go outside their houses and meet other left-wing people and they care together and shout at the Tory scum.

I think I have started two petitions over ten years! Some seem to start then every month.

Best Bob Jones letter ever

February 23rd, 2016 at 7:00 am by David Farrar

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Letter and cartoon copied from NBR.

I know several of the tenants in Solnet House and I suspect would indeed be happy to vacate their offices to allow for the 5,000 metre high statue of Gareth.

I also especially enjoyed the economic impact analysis of the proposal, as it seem more robust than most similar studies, projecting the statue and temple will lead to 20,000 more hotel rooms, 900 more cruise ships and four extra airport runways.

Caption Contest

February 21st, 2016 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

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Captions below. As always, funny not nasty.

Cleese now avoiding campuses

February 16th, 2016 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

The Telegraph reports:

John Cleese said he will no longer perform or give talks at university campuses because political correctness has taken over.

The Monty Python star revealed that he has been advised not to perform to students as the fear of offending has expanded so far that any kind of criticism is now seen as “cruel”.

Mr Cleese said it is down to people who cannot control their emotions, so seek to control others, and worries that it could lead to a society like that in the iconic dystopian Orwell Novel.

In a video for The Big Think, he explained: “I’ve been warned recently not to go to university campuses because political correctness has been taken from being a good idea, from ‘let us not be mean particularly to people who are not able to look after themselves very well’, to the point where any kind of criticism of any kind of individual or group can be labelled cruel.

“The whole point about comedy is that all comedy is critical.”

We have a growing group of people who think they have a right not to be offended. All comedy has a degree of offensiveness

John Oliver on Steven Joyce and Dildogate

February 16th, 2016 at 6:02 am by David Farrar

This is screamingly hilarious – especially the flag scene including Peter Jackson. Also the choir was well done.

Caption Contest

January 29th, 2016 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

From Twitter.

Enter your captions below. As always they should be funny, not nasty.

Blair’s predictions

January 6th, 2016 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Some very funny predictions for 2016 from Tim Blair. They include:

January

UN officials condemn conditions at Nauru’s detention centre as “bleak, hostile and frightening” with many asylum seekers in a state of “suicidal desperation”. It later emerges that the officials had mistakenly visited Adelaide.

April

Angela Merkel’s widely-anticipated speech on Islamic refugees and multicultural harmony is delayed when she cannot find a male relative who will give permission for the German chancellor to leave her house.

July

Media outrage in the US following Donald Trump’s blackface appearance during the first presidential debate. “Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!” hollers white-gloved, hand-waving Trump as opponent Hillary Clinton attempts to discuss healthcare reform. The Republican candidate immediately soars to a 60-40 poll lead.

August

“In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best form of words,” admits Greens leader Richard Di Natale, who saw his party achieve only two per cent of the election vote under the slogan: “Vote Greens or Die in the Infernal Hellscape of Climate Change Denialism, You Stupid Bastards.”

The July prediction might just come true.

 

John Key singing Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want for Christmas’

December 16th, 2015 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

Oh that is mean. They gave him a choice of singing the song or yanking on a line of ponytails. Jayjay is evil.

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A practical joke will

December 14th, 2015 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

538 reports:

Millar described his will as “necessarily uncommon and capricious” because he had “no dependents or near relations.” What Millar lacked in heirs, though, he made up for in cash and property. In addition to his work as a lawyer, Millar amassed a net worth of more than $10 million (in today’s Canadian dollars)1 through a series of investments, including the property that would eventually be used for the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel, one of the busiest crossings between the United States and Canada. He wanted to give that wealth away.

But he wanted to do it in as roguish a way as possible. Millar started off by giving shares in a jockey club to gambling opponents and shares in a brewery to teetotalling religious leaders.

Heh I like it.

The religious leaders have to actually participate in its management to get the shares!

Then he left his house in Jamaica to three men who hated one another, on the condition that they own it together.

Did they have to live there also?

But those were just a prelude to the big finish. In clause 10, Millar revealed a biology and math challenge that would change the lives of dozens of Toronto families. The remainder of his fortune — about $9 million — would be bequeathed a decade later to “the mother who has since my death given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children as shown by the registrations under the Vital Statistics Act.” If there were a tie, he wanted his fortune to be divided equally among the winners.

I can see him chuckling away at the thought of scores of families all trying to have as many babies as possible to win his money.

 

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Blunt on climate change marches

December 13th, 2015 at 7:00 am by David Farrar

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Note cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editor.

I thought it was funny

November 26th, 2015 at 6:54 am by David Farrar

The Herald reports:

When Jimmy Carr warned The One Show his jokes might get them into trouble, the presenters probably took it as another quip.

But yesterday the BBC1 programme found itself at the centre of a formal probe by the broadcasting watchdog, after a risque comment about dwarves backfired.

Carr, who was on the show to promote his Greatest Hits tour, told viewers that he had once come up with a two-word gag.

He said: “I tried to write the shortest joke possible. So, I wrote a two word joke which was: ‘Dwarf shortage’. It’s just so I could pack more jokes into the show.”

He then looked directly at the camera and added: “If you’re a dwarf and you’re offended by that, grow up.”

Heh I thought that was pretty funny.

But whether you think it is funny or not, one should be able to tell jokes on TV.

Now two viewers have complained to communications regulator Ofcom, which is looking into whether the programme on November 4, broke television rules.

“We’re investigating whether potentially discriminatory comments in this programme met generally accepted standards,” a spokesman said.

It is unusual for Ofcom to launch an investigation against a broadcaster after only two complaints, prompting speculation among insiders that the watchdog wants to make an example of the incident.

Ofcom need to get a life.

Now this is religious freedom

November 20th, 2015 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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ABC report:

A Massachusetts agency is letting a woman who belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster wear a colander on her head in her driver’s license photo after she cited her religious beliefs.

Lowell resident Lindsay Miller said Friday that she “absolutely loves the history and the story” of Pastafarians, whose website says has existed in secrecy for hundreds of years and entered the mainstream in 2005.

Miller says wearing the spaghetti strainer allows her to express her beliefs, like other religions are allowed to do.

A spokesman for the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles says policy does not permit head coverings or hats on license photos, but exceptions are made for religious reasons.

A great victory for freedom of religion!