Kiwiblog

The Civilian did its own take on the Budget. Some highlights:

• $1.7 billion to buy back Mighty River Power after Tony Ryall began missing it.

• $1 billion to build roads that go around Hamilton instead of through it.

• $64 for Bill English to get his printer fixed.

• $500 in legal fees for Colin Craig.

• $800 million to Gore, just to see what happens.

• $30,000 for production of Air New Zealand safety video starring Maurice Williamson.

• $170,000 for undercover double agent speech writer for David Shearer.

• $20,000 to figure out why a McDonald’s deluxe cheeseburger costs less than a regular one.

• $250 million to make the transformers in the national grid look more like the ones in the movie Transformers.

I especially like the $800 million for Gore, as an experiment.

The Daily Telegraph reports:

Unamused Chinese censors have been at work to stop people sniggering over the new Beijing headquarters of the People’s Daily newspaper, which bears an unfortunate resemblance to part of the male anatomy. 

A journalist friend commented that when studying journalism they were told sub editors needed dirty minds to ensure no possible double entendre got into print. She suggests  the same requirement should apply to architects!

Wellington is 1/10th as Good as Christchurch (even after the
earthquakes).

Kilometres of Christchurch beaches make Oriental Bay look
like a sand pit, which it is, just dumped ships ballast. So
you’re sunbathing on a tip!

Up until the year 2000, I had lived equal durations in both
the Wellington and Canterbury regions, raised my kids in
both, so am qualified to take on Colin Espiner and his
assessment of Wellington vs Auckland.  I’m sorry, but this
will be a one-eyed total slam dunk.

Christchurch is named after God; Wellington after some
British warmonger.

Colin opines,

1. Better coffee. Wellington is powered by caffeine. And
there’s none finer than in the capital.

Well, if “coffee” is Wellington’s best “asset”
let’s just stop now. The same coffee in Wellington is
distributed elsewhere in NZ, so that is an impotent point.
Christchurch has hundreds of cafes and all the main brands
of coffee, as well as its own local roasters.

2. The Brooklyn windmill. Don’t scoff. One of the first in
the country and now a major tourist attraction. The views
from the carpark are stunning.

Any views in Welly (if you’re not being blown over) are
about a tenth as good as the 360 degree views from the Port
Hills (try the Christchurch Gondola, not that red fire
engine on a cable thingy; ours is silent, yours rattles and
bangs away).  Against the Welly Windmill (an ironic but
appropriate fit for Windy Welly) Christchurch has the
Victorian Jubilee clock tower, the bells of several
neo-gothic churches, two massive cathedrals, and had the
Lyttelton time ball.

3. The Bucket Fountain. You’ve got to love a town that
keeps something so hideous and so broken that it’s become
a city icon.

If this is one of Welly’s finest bench-marks then it’s
all over.  It’s a hideous thing.  To counter, Christchurch
has it kitsch Queen Mother Corgis, the stunning Drummonds
outside the Christchurch Art Gallery, the Anzac bridge, the
hideous 9/11 memorial sculpture on Madras St (perhaps the
ugliest public sculpture ever made) or any number of
brilliant public sculptures that grace like artificial
flowers this very fair Garden City.

4. The Penthouse cinema. Arthouse cinema at its finest,
complete with decent red wine and its own theatre cat.

The Art Centre cinemas (Cloisters and Academy), Hollywood at
Sumner, the Rialtos, the Metro, the Regent, as well as the
chains: Hoyts, Movieland and Readings. Christchurch has
gazillions more cinematic options than Welly and even more
than Sydney.  We even have outdoor cinema.

5. Westpac Stadium. Sorry Eden Park, but the Cake Tin is
better in every respect.

I have to concede this one, as Jade is damaged, but we have
several others (our Westpac Stadium for example, as backup)
and Christchurch is getting a huge multi-million dollar job
bordering Cathedral Square.  It will be state-of-the-art.

6. Public transport. Aucklanders haven’t heard of this,
but it’s a fast, cheap, convenient and quick way to get to
work.

Many young adults in Christchurch simply do not have drivers
licenses because they can get anywhere in our city, hassle
free, inexpensively, on the amazing transport system.
Moreover, we have San Francisco style trams, London
double-decker buses, an efficient rail system; it all leaves
Welly for dead.  Our bus drivers are also friendly and
helpful; Welly bus drivers are known for their grumpiness.
It’s the weather.

Christchurch has far more bikes than Welly and the most
amazing suburban rides as well as mountain-biking options
with views the best in the world for this sport.

7. Sunshine and fresh air. OK, sometimes too much fresh air,
but Welly clocks up many more sunshine hours than its
northern sibling.

Blenheim actually has the record, so this goes to a
Mainlander.  Christchurch has much fresher air because we
have a massive range of mountains along our spine, and our
city is much closer to direct prevailing sea winds.

8. Cuba Street. No other city in New Zealand does cool
grunge like Wellington’s Cuba Street. Plus it’s home to
Midnight Espresso, home of the finest nachos in the country.

Sorry, Cuba Street is a second-hand shop with a few buskers.
Christchurch wipes the floor here with its impressive
Cashel Street pop-up Restart Mall (now an international
attraction) and New Regent Street with its tram flow and
Spanish Colonial architecture.  Then there’s Rolleston
Avenue flanked by Christs College, the Canterbury Museum,
the Avon, and spectacular Hagley Park, the rival of NY’s
Central Park. No contest.

9. Wellington’s waterfront. Whereas Auckland and
Christchurch have turned their backs on their ports, the
capital’s is a living, breathing, human space. And you
can’t beat Oriental Parade in the sunshine.

It is abutted by a huge Soviet box (Te Papa paid for by the
rest of us) and trying to access the foreshore is not that
easy.  In Christchurch stroll down to New Brighton and walk
along the Brighton Pier, read a book in the library on the
sea front, or go over to the many bays of Banks Peninsula
where you can swim with dolphins, catch various ferries to
exotic bays like Diamond Harbour, or enjoy the seaman’s
culture of Lyttelton, Scott and Shackleton’s final ports
of call.

10. Houses you can actually afford to buy. Not much point in
living somewhere if you can’t afford it. Wellington house
prices are not cheap, but they’re not stupid either.

You can buy a 2-3 bedroom in Christchurch by the sea for
$149,000 (there are several on Trademe today) or you can buy
multi-million dollar homes in a massive selection of
beautiful suburbs, several with rivers flowing through them.

We haven’t even mentioned the Crusaders (I have to show
some mercy), or the easy access to the great outdoors that
Christchurch has in spades: from alpine skiing to ocean
sports, ballooning, sky sports, caving, mountain climbing
and all within the hour.

Kilometres of beaches make Oriental Bay look like a sand
pit. There is mighty chinook salmon, and trout fishing, in
Christchurch. You can literally hand feed wild trout and NZ
eels within a block of Cathedral Square. We are wrapped
around by an ocean reserve with whales, dolphins, and ocean
fishing. We have a working Maori village, a working modern
Maori tribe, Ngai Tahu, a role model for how Maori can make
the most of historic Treaty settlements.

Our art gallery puts to shame anything in Wellington as does
the vibrant arts community across the spectrum.
Punting-on-the-Avon, the Antarctic Centre, the Cardboard
Cathedral, our huge network of parks, gardens, river and
wetland reserves; the texture of Banks Peninsula. Then
there’s Autumn and Spring.  Christchurch is utterly
gorgeous.

Since 1900, Canterbury has produced seven prime ministers
(Hall-Jones, Holland, Kirk, Palmer, Moore, Shipley, Key) to
Wellington’s three (Fraser, Nash. Marshall).  Aaron
Gilmore may have stood on our List, but he moved to live in
Wellington, so he’s yours.

You may have the (recent) Wellywood investment of Sir Peter
Jackson at Miramar, and Weta, but where are all those films
actually shot?  Canterbury. Heavenly Creatures is a
Christchurch Story.  The Riders of Rohan gallop Canterbury
vistas. Narnia’s centaurs and fawns carouse among our
limestone outcrops.

Sorry Welly, but perhaps the best measure is that more
people choose to live in the Garden City than in the glass
and steel corridor of Welly, jammed in between the Petone
highway and the Ngauranga Gorge.  Christchurch is the second
largest city in New Zealand and shines beside Wellington’s
flickering torch.

~ John Stringer, www.coNZervative.wordpress.com

Whale blogs:

I was talking to Matthew Hooton this afternoon about his comments in the NBR about never being denied service. It was during this conversation that we came to the conclusion that the amounts of liquor involved in Aaron Gilmore’s explanation seemed…well…a little too light.

So we hatched a plan…one I want to share with readers. More of an experiment than a plan.

How does this sound.

Three of New Zealand’s most obnoxious bloggers/commentators/politicos have at it at a classy restaurant and eat and drink until service is refused. 

Myself, Matthew Hooton and Cactus Kate (if she can be convinced to pop down for the fun) attend a classy establishment, perhaps Antoines, and proceed to  enjoy ourselves until a waiter utters the words to refuse us service.

You can join in the fun …

One thing is guaranteed though, we will be raucous, rude and obnoxious…It would be interesting to see if we could ever get refused service though.

As an added bonus we could live tweet and blog the carnage. Perhaps we could auction the 4th seat off, to enjoy an evening of fine food, fine wine and cutting and witty repartee?

I’m thinking of starting a fund-raising effort for Trevor Mallard to be the 4th person

This video reminds me of a Xmas lunch many years ago at a cafe on Tinakori Road, and a woman was trying to parallel park her car outside the cafe. She was only marginally more successful that the woman in this video, and it probably didn’t help that she could see our group pissing ourselves with laughter.

However we were not laughing at her directly. One of the girls in teh group went outside to tell her why we were laughing. She told the joke which she had just told to us, which was “Why are women so bad at parallel parking?”. The punchline being “Because men tell them that this is six inches” while holding up two hands just a few cms apart.

As she repeated the joke to the woman, she cracked up laughing also. It still took her several more attempts to par the car though!

Kiwiblog has five double tickets to give away for Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus at the San Francisco Bathhouse on the opening night of Tuesday 7 May. The show starts at 8.30 pm. the show blurb is:

Join Ewen as he regales you with tales about tattoos, motorbikes, beer, fast cars, overseas trips, beer, cholesterol, hearing aids, beer, glasses, prostate checks and beer.  Welcome to Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus…

If you would like to attend, comment below and if you are one of the first five, then e-mail me your name and contact phone numbers so tickets can be reserved for you.

I’m attending the same night, and looking forward to it. A big fan of the Comedy Festival.

Global Metal Apocalypse writes:

Global Metal Apocalypse is adding a new dimension to the site and it may be the first time that a music blog / site has done this, if it is then what can we say? Other than let this new adventure bring greater achievements and a greater global established presence as I conduct interviews and / or gain quotes from different nations in particular their culture ministers on how Heavy Metal is viewed in their country, bring out the controversy and support, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Focusing on a host of established and highly underground metal scenes, this post is aiming to express the feelings of Heavy Metal in the respective country outside the core community by trying to voice opinions and views that ministers of culture express and at the same time seeing if the world’s most extreme music genre has impacted on the traditional cultures of the specific nation.

They contacted the NZ Govt:

I directed an email to the right honourable Christopher Finlayson of whom is the minister for arts, culture and heritage in New Zealand, upon receival of his reply he had forwarded his answer through his press secretary Mr. Ben Thomas. Owing to New Zealands small metal scene recognition, it has a fair number of metal bands going around regardless of how well known bands like Ulcerate have garnered international attention, it would seem that the general public only know New Zealand for kiwis, the mountainous terrain and Lord of the Rings, but even Saruman took up the opportune moment.

And then the reply from the NZ Government:

There is no official government support for young people to learn instruments for use in metal music. The government does fund an initiative called Sistema Aotearoa, which enables primary-aged children from disadvantaged communities to learn classical music under the instruction of the Auckland Philharmonia Orchestra. It is not inconceivable that these young players may one day end up accompanying power metal groups such as Nightwish as part of a full orchestra, or providing ominous strings and horns on a black metal record by the likes of Cradle of Filth or Dimmu Borgir”.

You have to enjoy a response to a question about promoting heavy metal by quoting how the Govt is helping poor kids learn classical music!

Hat Tip: Dim-Post

This is so ridiculous that I thought the letter may itself be a parody, but it appears to be genuine.

The Civilian did a satirical piece on 22 April where they said:

Pakuranga MP Maurice Williamson is acknowledging that he looks pretty stupid this morning after a series of floods in the Nelson, Waikato and Bay of Plenty regions appeared to contradict his assertion that nothing bad would come of the passing of gay marriage legislation. …

Conservative Party Leader Colin Craig was among the first to point out the National MP’s mistake.

“Williamson likes to talk about big gay rainbows,” said Craig, “but it would help if he understood what the rainbow actually means. After Noah’s flood, God painted a giant rainbow across the sky, which was a message that he would never again flood the world, unless we made him very angry. And we have.”

Prime Minister John Key has reportedly reprimanded Mr. Williamson for being “a big idiot” and is considering removing some of his ministerial portfolios. Mr. Williamson has said that he would accept that, but was surprised to learn he had portfolios.

The bolded paragraph caused Colin Craig to launch defamation proceedings as he thought people may think he really said the words in the article. No, seriously.

The letter from Colin Craig’s lawyers say:

We are instructed that Colin Craig never made the Statement. It is a fiction created by you to make him look ridiculous and the use of quotation marks is designed to give it the appearance of fact. The Statement cannot be dismissed as satire in the circumstances, particularly when it is published alongside quotes from Maurice Williamson which we understand may largely be accurate.

The Civilian makes everyone look ridiculous. It is a satire site. Only a moron would think Colin Craig really said those words.

The chance of a defamation law suit winning would be as close to zero as you can get. But the problem is defending such a lawsuit could cost you up to $100,000. And Mr Craig is a multi-millionaire. And Ben Uffindell is a just newly graduated student.

Colin Craig also tries to get some money out of Uffindell:

Mr Craig also seeks a contribution of $500 towards his legal costs and reserves all of his rights in respect of this matter.

It is a very sad day for democracy in New Zealand when an extremely wealthy political leader threatens an obviously satirical website for defamation, because they took the piss out of him.

The response from The Civilian is great, and is here.

And Danyl McLauchlan publishes a previously unknown interview with Colin Craig.

Hat Tip: Grumpollie

On Thursday May 9th, the annual EPMU media freedom debate will be held in the Backbencher. These debates are to raise money for the Media Safety and Solidarity Fund which provides support to journalists and other media workers under threat in the Asia-Pacific region. Just a month ago three Pakistani journalists were murdered in a single day.

The previous debates have been hilarious. with only vague references to the topic, they are a cross between a roast and a debate.

The moot is “That you can trust a blogger, a lobbyist and a journalist, but not a politician.”

Patrick Gower is chairing the debate, and it is safe to predict there will be as many insults and jokes at his expense, as there will be at the participants.

The knuckleheads team is:

• Myself
• Chris Bishop, lobbyist for Philip Morris
• Andrea Vance, Dominion Post

The politicians team is:

• Annette King
• Tau Henare
• Grant Robertson

If you want a great nights entertainment, then order tickets from Brent Edwards at brent.edwards@radionz.co.nz or 04 817 9564. Tickets are $25 each and turn up  after 5 pm for dinner and drinks with the debate starting at 7.30 pm.

The tickets often sell out fast, and the venue gets packed to the brim so I recommend getting in quick.

I’m looking forward to a fun night for a good cause.

Hat Tip: Whale Oil. Original here.

A Tale of Two Cows infographic by kylatomdesign.

 

Have seen many of these before, but not all of them. The venture capitalism one and the Iraqi one are may favourites.

Also liked this one in the comments:

In Romania: You have 2 horses… you sell them to Western Europe. As… Cows

Charlie Gates at The Press reports:

A satirical website launched just two weeks ago by a Christchurch man has become an instant hit and is already being heralded as “New Zealand’s answer to The Onion”.

Former University of Canterbury student Ben Uffindell set up The Civilian as a sideline project, but its success has turned the website into his day job.

The irreverent, satirical site gets an average of 15,000 page views a day and already has more than 2000 likes on Facebook.

It’s very good. I’ve been enjoying it a lot.  Some satire is too laboured or try hard, bbut Ben has got the tone just right, in my opinion.

Definitely worth bookmarking.

Le papier ne sera jamais mort / Paper is not dead on influencia.net ! from INfluencia on Vimeo.

Heh – nicely done.

The appointment of Dame Susan Devoy as Race Relations Commissioner is surprising, as she has no background in the arena of race relations. I presume that was a deliberate decision of the Government to have someone whom they see as “mainstream” and thinks the country will also.

But the lack of background does mean she will be closely scrutinised in how she does in the role, and if she doesn’t perform well, the Government will be blamed. However there will be considerable differences of opinion on what “performing well” means.

Bryce Edwards has written a summary of opinions on Dame Susan’s appointment. He’s also collected a collection of mainly humourous tweets about it, the best of which I include below:

Danyl Mclauchlan ‏@danylmc 

‘Susan Devoy Race-Relations Commissioner’ makes me wonder how close we came to ‘Richie McCaw, RBNZ Governor’ before someone talked Key down.

Danyl Mclauchlan ‏@danylmc

At least Susan Devoy is more qualified than Anna Guy, who will probably have to settle for PMs Science Advisor

Phil Quin ‏@philquin

The great thing about New Zealand is how anyone — anyone — can grow up to become Race Relations Commissioner one day.

Marcus Cook ‏@MarcusDCook

Revealed; Devoy appointed after “rock, paper, scissors” match with Paul Henry. Won 2/3.

Martyn Bradbury ‏@CitizenBomber

After Devoy, Paul Henry will be appointed to the Broadcasting Standards Authority & Cameron Slater will be the new Surgeon General

Heh.

Colin Espiner blogs:

I don’t know about you, but I’m forever forgetting about my offshore bank accounts with large amounts of cash in them. It’s a job to remember to tell the IRD about it, let alone to declare them where I might have a conflict of interest. 

But then, I’m not an MP. More particularly, I’m not the leader of the opposition, nor the head of a party that has made something of a habit of calling for the heads of other MPs whose memory has been somewhat imperfect. 

David Shearer claims he “forgot” about his account with Chase Manhattan Bank in New York City when he came to declare his financial interests to Parliament, as is required under the MPs’ Register of Pecuniary Interests.

Well, we all make mistakes, and none of us are getting any younger except policemen. But Shearer didn’t just forget the one time. He forgot four times in a row – 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012.

To compound matters, though he forgot to disclose the account to Parliament and therefore to the public, he did remember to tell the IRD about it. He also remembered to tell Parliament about his other bank account with Westpac.

Given that only accounts with more than $50,000 in them must be publicly disclosed, it’s highly surprising that this slipped Shearer’s mind. Either the Labour leader is extremely forgetful, or he has a lot more money stashed away than any of us thought.

We don’t know the actual amount, since Shearer hasn’t disclosed that, because he doesn’t have to, but it could be considerably more than $50,000.

I was on NewstalkZB yesterday with Colin, and this issue came up. While $50,000 is a lot of money to overlook, it looks even worse if it is even more than that.  So how much could be in the account? Well it was used to collect his UN pay.

According to the UN, the salary of a senior manager in a Middle East post would be around US$190,000 a year. Now consider that this is tax free, and that when you are on assignment basically all your living and travel costs are work expenses. So the vast majority of your salary can be saved.

Shearer worked for the UN from 1989 to 2000 and 2002 to 2009, which is a total of 18 years. The total UN salary over that period could have been a bit over US$3 million tax free and expense free. To have an account balance of only US$60,000 means you saved only 2% of it. If you saved 20%, then the account might have over US$500,000 in it.

Note I’ve got absolutely no issue with how much David Shearer earnt at the UN – he did good work there. And good on him for saving a lot of it. That’s prudent.

But if you forgot to disclose an account for four years in a row, then there is a credibility issue around how you forgot that is linked to how much was in it.

On the lighter side, enjoy this satire from The Civilian:

The revelation is the latest in a string of surprising admissions from David Shearer that began yesterday after he was suddenly reminded of an overseas bank account he’d forgotten to disclose on the Parliamentary Register of Pecuniary Interests. Since then, Shearer has also remembered that he hasn’t paid taxes in four years, and last week burgled a small dairy in central Wellington.

When asked what he stole, Mr. Shearer replied “Snickers.”

A number of Labour MPs stood alongside their leader at today’s press conference to offer him their support. Not amongst them was backbench MP David Cunliffe, who had volunteered to phone constituents on Shearer’s behalf to let them know of the affair first-hand.

Heh.

Claire Trevett at NZ Herald reports:

Labour leader David Shearer says his failure to declare a US-based bank account with more than $50,000 in it on the MPs’ Register of Pecuniary Interests was simply an oversight. …

Mr Shearer would not reveal how much was in the account, but MPs are required to include accounts with more than $50,000 in them.

He had included his UN pension scheme in the register since becoming an MP, but Mr Shearer said he realised, while he was doing his tax paperwork recently, he had not included the bank account in the register. Inland Revenue had known about the account, for tax purposes.

This is the puzzling part. You are filing a tax return every year where you include the bank account and interest earned, but it never twigs that you should also include that is your Register of Pecuniary Interests.

I am sure it is a genuine mistake, but it is very sloppy.

Prime Minister John Key yesterday would not comment on Mr Shearer’s omission, saying it was up to Mr Shearer.

Could you have imagined what would have happened if the situation is reversed.

We already have the precedent that Trevor Mallard called for Chris Finlayson to be stood down over a non-substantive omission.

If John Key had forgotten to include a foreign bank account, I have no doubt that Labour MPs would be calling him corrupt and a liar. They would be demanding an inquiry into what other bank accounts he hasn’t disclosed, and they would have filed contempt of Parliament charges with the Speaker to refer to the Privileges Committee.

Rather than be a minor story in the Herald (and it seems no mention at all at Stuff), it would be the lead item for at least a week.

Personally I’m glad National MPs are acting like decent human beings and not accusing Shearer of anything. I believe it was a genuine sloppy mistake. But I have no doubt at all that if the situation was reversed there would be hysterical language used against Key by Labour MPs.

Scott Yorke adds a typically humourous touch to the issue:

Labour Party leader David Shearer has moved quickly to discipline one of his MPs for failing to declare a pecuniary interest.

“I expect high standards from my MPs” said Shearer, as he announced that MP David Shearer would be stood down from all duties. …

Labour’s leader said he hoped the move would be a “wake-up call” to members of Labour’s caucus.

“These rules exist for a reason, and we have to take them seriously” Shearer said.

Shearer agreed that the failure by one of his MPs to follow the rules was a “bad look” that “let the side down”.

But he refused to be drawn on whether he would reinstate the MP for Mt Albert after a spell on the backbenches. …

The demoted MP last night refused to comment on the decision by his leader. But he confirmed that he still fully supported David Shearer as leader of the Labour Party.

Heh.

John Banks has also pointed out Labour’s double standard:

Labour Leader David Shearer should apply his own ethical standards to himself and stand down, ACT Leader John Banks said today. 

“Shearer is on record as saying those who suffer from a memory lapse aren’t fit to hold office,” Mr Banks said.

“But yesterday, Shearer admitted he ‘forgot’ to declare more than $50,000 he has stashed away in an overseas bank account.  

“Worse, he didn’t forget once, he forgot four years in a row.   Shearer’s hypocrisy is staggering.    

The Local Electoral Act amendment bill will be debated soon. It was going to be open season on John Banks, but now when Labour point out his failure to disclose, they’ll have their own leader’s failure thrown back at them.

An updated story has John Key saying:

“In the end it’s a matter for him,” Mr Key said today.

“People make mistakes. I make mistakes and when I do, I try and tell people I’ve made them. It’s just that you don’t get cut any slack from the Labour Party when you say you’ve made a mistake, but when they make one they don’t want anyone to have a look at it.”

Again, incredibly mild.

You can vote in my sidebar poll on What are you least likely to forget?

The options are:

• A 5 second mention of Kim Dotcom in a powerpoint briefing
  
• The existence of a foreign bank account with at least $50,000 in it, for three years

Neil Miller writes in the HoS on 10 benefits of drinking beer:

1. Beer lessens the constant anxiety of watching the Black Caps bat.
2. After beer, Gareth Morgan’s constant lectures become slightly less annoying.
3. Beer enables people to hold strong opinions on every issue without resorting to research.
4. Without beer, no one would date in the provinces.
5. Television beer ads employ all young Kiwi actors not talented enough to be on Shortland Street.
6. The Government gets lots of money from beer through excise tax, GST and company tax on anyone who manages to make a profit.
7. Frank Zappa said “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons.” Without beer, New Zealand would only be half a real country.
8. The late-night takeaway food industry depends on beer for patronage.
9. Beer production provides the main ingredient in Marmite.
10. Drinking a frosty beer annoys President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Professor Doug Sellman.

Heh, an excellent list.

Another HoS article focuses on the drop in beer consumption in NZ.

Statistics NZ figures reveal beer sales have dropped from 181 litres per adult in 1973 to 79 litres last year. This figure marks the lowest level of beer sales since World War II.

But what about the drinking crisis in NZ?

And before you claim people are just drinking more of other alcoholic products, overall alcohol production is down also.

A friend and his wife are staying with me. They are back in NZ for a couple of weeks from the UK.

Was very amused to hear of their interaction with Immigration NZ at Auckland Airport.

The Passport Officer noticed he was a returning Kiwi, but his wife was not. She commented that he had been away for a while and asked if he would be having a Kiwi Mince Pie now he is back.

He replied in the affirmative, and she then turned to his wife and asked her if she would let him have a pie when he is in New Zealand, explaining it is the Kiwi thing to do.

She then went one step further and told the wife that in fact she was making it a condition of her entry into New Zealand that she would let him eat a pie while in New Zealand.

My friend was pleased enough with this assistance from Immigration New Zealand, but even more delighted when the Passport Officer became even more supportive and further declared to his wife that her entry conditions now included letting him do whatever he wanted to in New Zealand and asked her to verbally assent to these conditions, to which she did – to his great delight.

I doubt there are many countries where you can have that sort of humourous banter with government officials. It would never happen I suspect in the UK, but it did reflect our very Kiwi humour – gently hassling. And it actually made for a great welcome into NZ (for him anyway!) from the usual boring dross of immigration queues.

Long may it last.

I suspect the only people upset with this exchange will be the humour-impaired or the anti-obesity coalition that keeps trying to get pies banned!

Vic Debsoc have their great comedy debate tonight at 6.30 pm in the Hunter Lounge. Details are:

Come and watch some great debaters and comedians debating the topic “The rent is too damn high!”

This year we are delighted to announce an absolutely fantastic line-up of comedians and debaters for this event. Including former Billy T nominee and NZ Comedian Jerome Chandrahasen, amateur comedian and former Weir House member John Heslop, renowned beer critic and free lance writer Neil Miller, amateur comedian and former desoc member Nik Bruce Smith and finally our own debating extraordinaires Josh Cameron and Richard D’Ath. 

We will be selling tickets at our stall at clubs week or on the door for $10.

d

A much more fun political party than the one I just blogged on below is the Canadian Rhino Party.

Operating within the tradition of political satire, the Rhinoceros Party’s basic credo, their so-called primal promise, was “a promise to keep none of our promises.”^[1] They then promised outlandishly impossible schemes designed to amuse and entertain the voting public.

And:

The party claimed to be the spiritual descendants of Cacareco, a Brazilian rhinoceros who was elected member of São Paulo‘s city council in 1958, and listed Cornelius the First, a rhinoceros from the Granby Zoo, east of Montreal, as its leader.^[4] It declared that the rhinoceros was an appropriate symbol for a political party since politicians, by nature, are “thick-skinned, slow-moving, dim-witted, can move fast as hell when in danger, and have large, hairy horns growing out of the middle of their faces.”

I like their abortion policy:

A candidate named Ted “not too” Sharp ran in Flora MacDonald‘s Kingston and the Islands riding with the campaign slogan “Fauna, not flora“, promising to give fauna equal representation.^[8] He also took a stand on abortion (promising, if elected, never to have an abortion) and capital punishment: “If it was good enough for my grandfather, then it’s good enough for me.”

And defence policy:

To strengthen Canada’s military, Sharp planned to tow Antarctica north to the Arctic Circle. “Once we have Antarctica, we’ll control all of the world’s cold. If another Cold War starts, we’ll be unbeatable.”

And best of all:

Rather than awarding money as prizes in the lottery, the winners would be appointed to the Canadian Senate.

And kudos to Belgium:

Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros “Hindquarters” in Montreal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this)

The war was due to Tintin having shot a rhinoceros!

Joe Bennett writes in the Dom Post:

Boffins at the University of Otago have tested the blood of 3000 randomly chosen people over the age of 15.

Seven per cent of them had diabetes. That’s over 200 people. A further 18 per cent had early signs of diabetes. That’s over 500 people. Together, they’re more than a quarter of the people tested. That’s an epidemic.

Meanwhile, across the ocean at the University of California, more boffins have been bent over the test tubes and the stats. As you’d expect, their study dwarfed the local one.

They analysed the incidence of diabetes in 175 countries. Effectively that means everywhere. And they found that if the amount of sugar in a national food supply goes up, so does the incidence of diabetes. …

As for education, every youth in the country has been bombarded with dietary advice from here to my Aunt Fanny. They’ve been told about five-plus-a-day, the evils of burgers, the wonder of veges, the joys of exercise and the way to radiant health. The result: the chubbiest generation in the history of our species.

So, if people cannot be taught to do themselves good, they will have to be forced. We need to set a date by which New Zealand shall be sugar-free: 2025 feels about right. Then we need to work towards it.

Bennett is being satirical, but I suspect there lobby groups will soon be pushing for this!

Money’s always a good place to start. There needs to be a tax on sugar, a tax that rises automatically and drastically at the start of every year. That’ll get them yelping.

Next comes plain packaging. We all know the sophistication of the marketing buggers, how they hook kids on to brands by association. Well, brands will be dead.

In the fizzy-drinks business, for example, there’ll be no more Pepsi or Coke or Fanta or Mountain Bloody Dew, with their pretty colours and their brand insignia. No, they’ll all just come in plain metal tubes labelled “Flavoured Sugar-laden Poison”.

Schools will become sugar-free zones. In the period before abolition, lollies will be hidden from view in dairies and sold only to over-18s. Anyone supplying sugar to minors will be liable to a fine or a term of imprisonment.

Parents eating icecream in front of their kids won’t just get a finger-wagging. They’ll have their kids taken into care. And it will all be enforced by us, the sugar cops.

Joe shouldn’t write the Green Party manifesto for them!

A fun survey at Truth.

You can vote on what to call Annette King’s return to the Labour front bench, whether Hayley Holt or Oscar Pistorious should open for the Black Caps (with photo of Hayley) and how much do you want to pay for a convention centre.

Paul Easton at the Dom Post writes:

Just a few days after getting a promotion, Labour MP Chris Hipkins has received the chop from his leader David Shearer.

Mr Hipkins was shorn of his red locks this morning to raise money for a cancer charity.

David should have left it hard down. Then Chippie would look the part to be MP for Rimutaka

Looking like a younger Trevor Mallard

While the general consensus was positive, Mr Hipkins was not so sure when shown the results.

”Oh my goodness, it’s really short. What have I done?” he said.

Mr Shearer also had concerns.

”I just hope I can get the red hair off my suit,” he said.

Heh, he may need decontamination.

Mr Shearer revealed he had pledged to have one Labour MP a year shave their head for the cause, Leukaemia and Blood Cancer New Zealand.

He hoped to line up a woman MP for next year, he said.

”I had a word to Annette King last night, but she wasn’t too impressed.”

Labour MP Jacinda Ardern, who watched on from the sidelines this morning, also seemed less than keen on the idea.

If Jacinda takes the place of Chris next year, I’m pledging $1,000 in advance to the cancer charity!

Hat Tip: Keeping Stock

As always captions should be funny, not nasty.