Enter your captions below. As always they should be funny, not nasty.
Enter your captions below. As always they should be funny, not nasty.
Some very funny predictions for 2016 from Tim Blair. They include:
UN officials condemn conditions at Nauru’s detention centre as “bleak, hostile and frightening” with many asylum seekers in a state of “suicidal desperation”. It later emerges that the officials had mistakenly visited Adelaide.
Angela Merkel’s widely-anticipated speech on Islamic refugees and multicultural harmony is delayed when she cannot find a male relative who will give permission for the German chancellor to leave her house.
Media outrage in the US following Donald Trump’s blackface appearance during the first presidential debate. “Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!” hollers white-gloved, hand-waving Trump as opponent Hillary Clinton attempts to discuss healthcare reform. The Republican candidate immediately soars to a 60-40 poll lead.
“In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best form of words,” admits Greens leader Richard Di Natale, who saw his party achieve only two per cent of the election vote under the slogan: “Vote Greens or Die in the Infernal Hellscape of Climate Change Denialism, You Stupid Bastards.”
The July prediction might just come true.
Oh that is mean. They gave him a choice of singing the song or yanking on a line of ponytails. Jayjay is evil.No tag for this post.
Millar described his will as “necessarily uncommon and capricious” because he had “no dependents or near relations.” What Millar lacked in heirs, though, he made up for in cash and property. In addition to his work as a lawyer, Millar amassed a net worth of more than $10 million (in today’s Canadian dollars)1 through a series of investments, including the property that would eventually be used for the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel, one of the busiest crossings between the United States and Canada. He wanted to give that wealth away.
But he wanted to do it in as roguish a way as possible. Millar started off by giving shares in a jockey club to gambling opponents and shares in a brewery to teetotalling religious leaders.
Heh I like it.
The religious leaders have to actually participate in its management to get the shares!
Then he left his house in Jamaica to three men who hated one another, on the condition that they own it together.
Did they have to live there also?
But those were just a prelude to the big finish. In clause 10, Millar revealed a biology and math challenge that would change the lives of dozens of Toronto families. The remainder of his fortune — about $9 million — would be bequeathed a decade later to “the mother who has since my death given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children as shown by the registrations under the Vital Statistics Act.” If there were a tie, he wanted his fortune to be divided equally among the winners.
I can see him chuckling away at the thought of scores of families all trying to have as many babies as possible to win his money.
No tag for this post.
The Herald reports:
When Jimmy Carr warned The One Show his jokes might get them into trouble, the presenters probably took it as another quip.
But yesterday the BBC1 programme found itself at the centre of a formal probe by the broadcasting watchdog, after a risque comment about dwarves backfired.
Carr, who was on the show to promote his Greatest Hits tour, told viewers that he had once come up with a two-word gag.
He said: “I tried to write the shortest joke possible. So, I wrote a two word joke which was: ‘Dwarf shortage’. It’s just so I could pack more jokes into the show.”
He then looked directly at the camera and added: “If you’re a dwarf and you’re offended by that, grow up.”
Heh I thought that was pretty funny.
But whether you think it is funny or not, one should be able to tell jokes on TV.
Now two viewers have complained to communications regulator Ofcom, which is looking into whether the programme on November 4, broke television rules.
“We’re investigating whether potentially discriminatory comments in this programme met generally accepted standards,” a spokesman said.
It is unusual for Ofcom to launch an investigation against a broadcaster after only two complaints, prompting speculation among insiders that the watchdog wants to make an example of the incident.
Ofcom need to get a life.
A Massachusetts agency is letting a woman who belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster wear a colander on her head in her driver’s license photo after she cited her religious beliefs.
Lowell resident Lindsay Miller said Friday that she “absolutely loves the history and the story” of Pastafarians, whose website says has existed in secrecy for hundreds of years and entered the mainstream in 2005.
Miller says wearing the spaghetti strainer allows her to express her beliefs, like other religions are allowed to do.
A spokesman for the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles says policy does not permit head coverings or hats on license photos, but exceptions are made for religious reasons.
A great victory for freedom of religion!
Introducing the President of the Czech Republic, making front page news in Vietnam pic.twitter.com/TPh3qXffpK
— Brook Sabin (@BrookSabin) November 17, 2015
All these Europeans just look alike!
“It’s all part of my global master plan to increase my sphere of influence in the world and make people believe I have so many more people under my control,” Mr Key quipped to reporters later.
Submit your captions below. As always, be funny not nasty.
Imperator Fish blogs:
People have been telling me that they don’t really understand Labour’s position on the Trans Pacific Partnership. …
Our opposition to the TPP is principled and based on what we think is best for New Zealand. We don’t want New Zealand to sign up to the TPP, but nor would we pull New Zealand out of the deal.
While this is satire, it appears to also be Labour’s actual position,
Labour is not opposed to free trade. We recognise that as an exporting nation we need to honour our international commitments. What kind of example would we be setting as a developed nation if we looked to back out of our international obligations? That’s why a Labour government won’t pull New Zealand out of the TPP. We’ll instead just ignore the bits we don’t like.
Again this appears to be Labour’s actual position.
New Zealand is not a banana republic, and we can’t just tear up the treaties we sign with other countries. That’s why a Labour government will honour all of the international commitments entered into by this government on behalf of New Zealand, even if we don’t like them, unless we change our minds and decide we won’t honour those commitment because we don’t like them.
See, that wasn’t difficult to grasp, was it?
Not at all.
The Herald reports:
John Key says he does wees in the shower and admits he has stolen stuff. However, he won’t say whether or not he’s “fed the chickens”.
The Prime Minister appeared on morning radio show Hauraki Breakfast this morning, playing a round of a game called, ‘Thank You For Your Honesty’.
In the regular segment, hosts Matt Heath, Jeremy Wells and Laura McGoldrick grill participants with a series of 10 silly, often rude, questions, which they then have to answer truthfully.
“Was the Virgin Mary really a virgin?” Wells asked Key. “No,” Key replied decisively.
In other questions, Key said he had never pashed a man, did not “trim his downstairs” and had never sent a “dick pic”. But he said had “done wees in the shower” and admitted he found Wendy Petrie attractive.
However Key refused to answer the rather rude question Wells put to him of whether he had “fed the chickens” in the last month.
“Jesus Christ, I’ve got to take the fifth,” he protested, saying he didn’t want to answer in case his wife sued him.
Only in New Zealand would the Prime Minister be asked a question like that on radio by Jeremy Wells!
I’ms somewhat surprised that the PM knew what the term means!
If you were a fan of Ewen Gilmour and want a good night out in Wellington for a good cause, check this out:
In honour of our mate Ewen Gilmour and Variety the Children’s Charity, a few of us that gigged with the Westie a lot are getting together for a celebration of the biggest in the west! (well Wellington). Come have a beer at VK’s, wear your bike gear long hair westie T-shirts and don’t make any plans for the next day.
The line up of Tarun Mohanbhai, Jarred Fell, Urzila Carlson & Vaughan King will be having a few and telling some on the road stories.
Don’t miss out on this top NZ comedy night and the chance to help out the Variety – The Children’s Charity.
From the Illinois Review:
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses,
and, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Trans-Tasman scribes some possible responses from parties to Pig-gate.
Parliament rose this week for recess, but not without the parties giving their views on the allegations about British Prime Minister David Cameron and his youthful indiscretion with a pig.
National stands by its previous position on the issue, whatever it was, and points out Labour had nine long years to engage in debauched behaviour with animals but failed to do so. Also PM John Key is quite into pigtails.
Labour is setting up a Commission on the Future of Pork which will give it some policy. It has also unearthed official advice saying National ignored official advice on debauched behaviour with animals. MP Phil Twyford is protesting the traditional method of calling pigs, “SooEY!” sounds Chinese.
The Greens are querying the pig’s contribution to climate change, and also whether it could be used to combat child poverty.
The Maori Party is keeping a low profile, as it tends to do these days. There isn’t a Whanau Ora aspect to this, unless there is a chance to use the pig for some sort of koha – and really, they would rather not, considering where it has been.
New Zealand First doesn’t know what to think, as Winston is away right now. But whatever it is they are really really angry about it.
Peter Dunne meanwhile is just really irritable about the whole thing, and is hoping to annoy NZ First about it if he can’t annoy the government this time.
ACT’s David Seymour has a really amusing, accidental double entendre all prepared for the next photo op.
Heh, not bad.
The Nelson Mail reports:
And so the question remains: Who writes this stuff?
Who is the unnamed man or woman that sits in Prime Minister John Key’s corner silently passing him zingers written on paper napkins under the table? This staffer (one imagines you could only pay someone to do this job) has collated an incredible trove of whimsy in Key’s seven years in power.
There has been that one about being eaten by members of Ngati Porou. The one about killer paedophile not being invited around to the Chilean president’s place for lunch.
Knowing the PM’s media and comms staffers, I can say with certainty that none of them write his jokes, or certainly not ones about being eaten by Tuhoe. In fact they probably are the onces wincing the hardest when he tells such a joke.
There was also the one, or was it the two, about having a gathering in Australia and not knowing which Prime Minister would show up.
Key told that one twice on Thursday.
These jokes have always been bad. But they are bad in the same way dad jokes are bad, or jokes told to audiences of business people are bad.
The former may cause a slight, uncomfortable cringe and no harm done. The latter will attempt to be edgy and often lame but will always be met with raucous laughter.
For some reason audiences full of business people are prone to raucous laughter no matter the subject matter. This is as it was in Nelson.
The prime minister has thrived on both these forms of humour. As he has evolved into a more comfortable political animal, his demeanour while telling these jokes has become more relaxed, more confident. They have become something of a signature of Key’s. If Key is not joking then you know something is wrong. Most of the time he is joking.
So the unnamed staffer should be given a pay rise out of the prime minister’s own pocket because bad jokes seem to have as much to do with brand Key as anything else.
Of course, that is unless Key writes this stuff himself.
Yep, he does.
During an earnest interview about the flag debate on the steps of Parliament on Tuesday afternoon, Seymour was talking about the symbols associated with countries.
“You don’t actually have to have every national logo on the flag,” Seymour said. So far, so sensible.
Then this: “The French, for instance, love the coq.”
Seymour immediately realised what he’d said, losing his composure as he burst into hysterics.
Watch the video, it’s hilarious.
To be fair to Seymour, others started laughing first, and then he lost his composure.
Love the Men in Black theme.
Metro Magazine reports:
David Farrier, broadcaster, and David Farrar, pollster, died April 1, 2077.
This article was featured in the July/August 2015 issue of Metro. Illustration by Daron Parton.
David Farrier and David Farrar had almost nothing in common and yet they would eventually become as entangled as an earphone cable. They died together, violently, savaged by a deranged parakeet, in a flat they shared with Samantha Hayes. An attractive TV presenter, Hayes is 94.
The two men’s beginnings were profoundly different. Farrier was tall, ruggedly good looking, a popular head boy at his Christian college in Tauranga. Farrar was more the Wellington chess club type.
Farrier liked babes and dudes, Farrar liked babes and debating. They both knew what they wanted and before long they had it: Farrier, a quirky late-night TV news show; Farrar, a blog.
They came to prominence during the long administration of Prime Minister John Key, a man who believed in doing as little as possible. In this he was assisted by Farrar, whose polling company prepared a variety of excuses for doing nothing and tested them by phoning families at dinner time. How little did people care about boat people? How untroubled were they by waitress harassment? The PM had him on speed dial.
Farrier travelled a gentler road, toting a video camera and an abundant curiosity. He sat in a sauna to better understand Colin Craig; he travelled to the Gobi Desert to better understand the Mongolian Death Worm.
The similarity of their names endlessly confused people. Farrier would feel a stab of unhappiness when someone called him a contemptible stain on politics. Farrar would be sad to find he wasn’t the dude Lorde was trying to phone.
But the confusion invited comedy. Together they interviewed singing twin sisters the Veronicas. They prank-called the Prime Minister. As TV current affairs rubbed itself down to a nub, their quirkiness grew ever bolder.
When Farrier’s Newsworthy show began, head transplants were only being spoken of as far-off medical fantasy, but the science developed swiftly, and so did the clamour from the viewers to see the two Davids switch heads. The result was “mad”, wrote TV reviewer Diana Wichtel, “but strangely compelling”.
And yet behind all the laughter lay deep trauma.
In his early thirties, Farrier had acquired Keith, a handsome orange parakeet, but discovered within a short time that he detested the bird, so hateful and incessant was its scream.
He expected it would live another 20 years, an impossibly long time to wait for some peace and quiet. He was quite sure no one would take it, not with all that ghastly racket. He couldn’t contemplate wringing its neck.
He turned to Farrar, a master of dark arts, for suggestions. Farrar had plenty. They put Keith in a courier parcel to the Green Party. They left him on the seat at a Peter Jackson movie. They did things with superglue they weren’t proud of. And yet no matter what they did, he found his way back, each time more shrill, each time more enraged. Worst of all, he lived many, many more years than 20.
“I told David it was going to end badly, but now I just wonder if I even told the right one,” lamented Hayes. “They used to say only their mothers could tell them apart. And look, I was just their flatmate,” said the attractive redhead, whose new show starts this Sunday.
The Herald reports:
A British comedian disrupted a news conference by Sepp Blatter overnight, showering the FIFA president with fake money.
As Blatter took his seat, performer Simon Brodkin rose from a front-row seat to confront him.
“This is for North Korea 2026,” Brodkin said as he put the bills on the desk in front of Blatter. “Thank you very much. As a North Korean football ambassador, I’m delighted that I’ve been able to seal the deal with FIFA and North Korea for the 2026 World Cup. It makes sense for everyone.”
Brodkin then tossed the notes into the air as security led him away.
“Here we go Sepp,” he said. “Thank you. Cheers Sepp. It’s all there, as discussed. Thank you. Good doing business.”
Classic. It’s funny because it is so close to the truth.
Go to 3 News for a hilarious video of Colin Craig being interviewed in a sauna by David Farrier.
Craig is hardly sweating at all, while Farrier is turning into a waterfall. Farrier starts stripping off while interviewing. Colin Craig is a great sport going along, and even shares a post sauna shower with Farrier.
I wonder who will be the next sauna interview?