Kiwiblog

The Dim-Post has a list of things John Key should not say to the UN General Assembly. My favourites:

• Okey-dokey.
• It is vital that we all work together to combat the terrible threat to our global climax.
• Allah Akbar!
• We open with Lot #1 – Fiordland! What am I bid for this lush temperate rainforest?
• Ban Ki, Imma let you finish but I just want to say that Boutros Boutros-Ghali was the best Secretary General of ALL TIME!.

Heh.

Parent: How was the Harry Potter film

10 year old: It was fun but a bit unrealistic

Parent: What do you mean? Was it the magic?

10 year old: Nah, who has ever heard of a ginger kid, with two friends?

Frog Blog has this photo from Glenn Murdoch and has used it to twitter on about coal or mining or something.

I think a far better use for it, is a caption contest. As always go for funny, not nasty.

Went to the launch of Mashpit Comedy at Bats Theatre last night. It is going to be a TV show on Prime next year.

The concept is an Internet twist on a traditional idea – comedic videos. But instead of just being about submitting your own videos, it is about being able to mashup other videos.

It’s pretty simple. Just go to their website, and you can not only view videos, and upload them, but you can also (legally) download them. And you can mash up the videos you download, and then upload them back to the site.

That won’t replace the videos there, but people will be able to see the original video, as well as the mashups of them. And the best mashups will feature on the TV show next year.

So if you like mashing up videos, with a twist of humour, give it a go and you may make TV.

This 1983 photo comes from Michael Bassett and the Herald on Sunday. Those pictured are Bassett, Goff, Clark and Tizard.

As always, captions should be funny, not nasty.

A classic:

The National government is calling for a calm and reasoned debate after opposition MPs have raised fears about a recent Ministry of Health audit into the value of New Zealander’s body organs.

Health Minister Tony Ryall announced the stocktake of body parts last week, explaining that it was useful to know how much the total organ pool of New Zealand was worth. Some experts estimate that New Zealand is sitting on over $340 billion dollars in kidneys alone. …

The Prime Minister has reassured New Zealanders that they should not be concerned about the audit. ‘At this point we have virtually no plans to harvest any organs. We realise that peoples lungs and pancreas are important to them and you should feel confident that when you go to the dentist or the doctor for a checkup you have only a very small chance of being selected for the Ministry’s trial program and waking up in a tub of ice with an empty cavity where one of your kidneys used to be. I want to reassure people on that issue.’

Also to be checked out is the “Waiting for Voter: A tragi-comedy in two Acts” post. I won’t even quote from it as you really want to read the full thing.

Danyl obviously has far too much spare time on his hands, but we’re grateful of that.

Danyl has been leaked the proposed changes:

• Alter font of Section 59 amendment from Courier12 to Times New Roman.
• Establish designated ‘coffee houses’ in urban areas where children can be freely smacked without fear of police intimidation.
• Initiate second non-binding referendum to ask voters if they understood question in previous referendum.
• Key to meet with Sheryl Savill, the woman who initiated the referendum, listen to her talk for up to five minutes and look at no less than twenty of her cat pictures.
• Larry Baldock to negotiate law change with Sue Bradford on pre-condition that Bradford be confined within a pentagram and bound in a straitjacket and hockey mask throughout the talks.
• Key to address Families First meeting, stand at podium with shit-eating grin and demand to know who the fuck else they’re going to vote for.

Excellent satire, as usual.

While this website certainly covers a vast array of topics (from politics to lava formation and back), one glaring omission is sport.  Watching sport appears to play the same role in David P Farrar’s life as calculating the margin of error does in mine.  As a result, I have decided to pose a series of sporting questions:

Will Wellington rugby ever run out of ways to break the hearts of their long-suffering fans?

If Ian Bell and Jonathan Trott are the answer, what exactly is the question?

Are the Broncos really back or just teasing?

Is it so wrong to laugh at the fans booing Beckham – again?

Why is Murali still allowed to “bowl”?

Wouldn’t Wipeout be a better Olympic sport than women’s boxing?

Will the Phoenix ever be higher up the table this season?

Will Liverpool win another championship in my lifetime?

How many New Zealanders wearing Yankees caps could name two current players?

Did you know that joint highest one-day cricket score of 194* was just made by Charles Coventry?

Did you know that he plays for Zimbabwe and they still lost the game?

What exactly did the Perth Glory spend all their money on?

Would the sport of athletics survive if Bolt ever tested positive for drugs?

A tough one but is Scott Styris better-looking than Wayne Rooney?

Was the best call of the weekend the commentator who suggested that Auckland rugby players were not used to playing in front of crowds?

Why is Richard Boock getting more and more bitter each week?

Was Tiger always this whiny?

Do you believe in the new and improved “nice” Kobe?

Will Warney get Richie’s job?

AP reports:

Florida investigators say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat.

Keith Griffin is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer.

According to a sheriff’s report Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music.

He said he had left the room and found “strange things” on his computer when he returned.

You really have to laugh. That is either a very smart cat or a very depraved cat – or both!

The gift that keeps on giving for caption contests. From the Dominion Post. As always funny, not nasty.

One of the particular aspects of blogging which really sets it apart from more traditional forms of media is the instant feedback generated through reader comments.  I was delighted the first comment (FIRST!) on my first post (FIRST!) was a rather clever reference to the origins of my blog name.  Kudos to dog_eat_dog.

However, phil u felt obliged to imply that my first post was actually rather boring.  As a regular reader of quality political blogs, I naturally had no idea who he was.  Thanks to the wonders of Google I eventually found his site which appears to consist of him posting media articles seven times a day.  He doesn’t even make little editorial comments like David P Farrar does (“Pleased to see Lady Thatcher agrees with the post I made last week on this very subject…” or “I said the exact same thing to my good friend the Dalai Lama at the gym.”)

Burrowing through phil u’s archives, I came across one of his earliest posts entitled “apologies to readers.”  I expect he has produced a similarly-worded post every week since 2005 but I could not be bothered checking.  He wrote:

any readers(?) of this site should be aware that this is the bare bones/ first days of [this website].

Points for honesty on the readership levels if nothing else.

being technical luddites we are reliant on those who know how to do that stuff to do it for us.  they are otherwise engaged at the moment but i have been told i could get hopeful this weekend, or soon after.

Next on the technical to-do list – install a computer with a Shift key to enable use of capital letters.

so bells, whistles, and more links than you can shake a stick at, (all our stories/reports will link to our sources; this in the cultivation of a culture of transperancy), are just part of the upcoming menu.

It would seem that phil u, not Al Gore as previously thought, invented the concept of linking articles on the internet.  Spell-checking does not seem to have appeared at any stage on the upcoming menu.

whoar.co.nz will, among other things, become an apolitical (as in editorial stance) forum for (we hope) reasoned political/social debate, with lashings of humour. so, bear with us. all this and more, (as they say), will be revealed soon.

I guess the reference to being apolitical could broadly be considered humorous (if unintentionally) but the claims to “lashings of humour” surely need examined by the Advertising Standards Authority.  At least the ( and ) key work on his keyboard…

Given it is just the Internet after all, I have decided to simply continue to aggravate phil u in my own way by using capitals and punctuation appropriately.  I belief his unique writing style is based on a horribly misguided political philosophy – I think he honestly believes that you can’t have capitalism without capitals.

How can one resist this photo for a caption contest? Remember keep them funny, not nasty.

I blogged a few days ago the video of the wedding where the official party danced their way in. At the time it had been viewed 6.5 million times.

Anyway I saw on Twitter (Hat Tip: @GreerMcDonald) a link to this parody video of a dovorce where the lawyers, Judge and participants all dance their way in. Very good.

Satire at its best in the Dim-Post:

Citing the importance of robust opposition to a healthy democracy and the Labour party’s poor performance in holding the government to account, the Governor General Sir Anand Satyanand took the unusual step of directly intervening in the affairs of Parliament, making changes to the house that have shocked some, but drawn praise from many political and legal experts.

Emphasising Labour’s lacklustre record and the importance of an opposition party in scrutinising Ministers actions and speaking truth to power, the Governor General dismissed Mr Goff and the rest of his Labour MPs and on the same day swore in ‘Tiberius’, a four year old domestic Grey Goose who will act as opposition leader and sole opposition MP.

Tiberius is a great name for a goose.

The new MP has already made a strong impression on the government and its coalition partners; when Justice Minister Simon Power rose yesterday to introduce his new Search and Surveillance bill he was met with a tremendous quacking, honking sound, made by former Greens co-leader Jeanette Fitzsimons; the sound awoke Tiberius who rose on his hind legs and rustled his six-foot long wings at Mr Power who then withdrew from the Chamber. The bill was defeated and will not proceed to Select Committee.

Heh

Went with Auckland Girl to a Film Festival movie last night. She chose it. It was Humpday.

As we dined before hand at Chow I asked her what it was about. She said she didn’t know exactly but assumed some sort of workplace comedy about surviving Wednesdays. Hump Day is a nickname for Wednesday.

It was not about Wednesdays. As Wikipedia explains the plot is:

Two heterosexual male friends decide to make a gay porno and submit it to the HUMP! film festival.

Auckland Girl is never getting to choose what movie we go to again. Ever.

A site has been established allowing people to design their own referenda questions. The intent is to mock the upcoming referenda – they overlook the minor fact of course over 300,000 signed a petition to trigger the upcoming referenda – something managed only four times in a dozen years, despite scores of attempts.

Anyway here are my questions:

Or should we use the term culled?

Hopefully everyone agrees on that one.

The accent does it for me everytime!

Lyndon at Scoop has done an excellent guide to help you vote in the referendum. Enjoy it.

Guess not:

When Farrah Fawcett got to heaven God said to her

“Farrah, because you have been such a good person throughout your life I will give you one wish”

Farrah thought about this and replied

“God, I only want one thing and that is for the children of the world to be safe”

God agreed to Farrah’s wish and killed Michael Jackson

Do you remember the guy who tried to pay a bill with a drawing of a spider? Now he corresponds with his landlord over pets. Some extracts:

Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

The landlord doesn’t catch on to the windup at all.

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night.

And then after he admits to no dogs.

I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

The landlord finally gives up!

Heh.

Claire Trevett takes the piss, even so slightly.

Pretending to be from TVNZ, Jono from The Rock rang a pig farmer and started harassing him. The result? They’ve smashed their record for the most swearing in a call.

Listen to it here.

Less than a minute, and worth watching.

I’m not sure if Annette King penned this herself, or one if her staff did, but it actually is pretty damn funny so worth a repeat:

The Melissa Key Guide to Crime Busting

1. Build a motorway – the more lanes the better.
2. Direct all criminals (from areas you want to insult) to travel on the motorway preferably with signs on their vehicles saying “CRIM-IN-TRANST” to help Police identify them.
3. Chose an electorate as far away as possible from the place you want to win as the destination for the mobile crims.
4. Have all off-ramps removed to ensure a smooth flow of crims to chosen destination.
5. Dedicate one lane as an expressway for crims who own cars.
6. Dedicate one lane for a busway for crims who don’t have cars or haven’t stolen one yet.
7. Increase public transport concessions for crims who are prepared to travel during off peak times to carry out their crimes.
8. Encourage car-pooling of crims to cut down congestion and reduce the carbon footprint.
9. Build motorways which cut through communities removing hundreds of houses thereby reducing the number of homes that can be burgled.
10. Get a TV production company to make a video of your success in reducing crime.
11. Avoid the PM at all costs because although you were once his “chosen candidate” he now thinks your crime busting ideas are silly.
12. Avoid the good people of South Auckland you have labelled as crims.

I especially like the busway for crims that have not yet stolen a car!