Cactus Kate on emotional abuse

January 9th, 2012 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

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Emotional isn’t reported as is an horrific physical beating of a woman or kiddie with an instant death resulting. But it is definitely more prevalent and just as damaging. It isn’t a lower class, race or low incomed phenomenon either. Not all emotional leads to physical poundings but all physical poundings seem to start with continuous emotional put-downs. It is statistically difficult to measure emotional but we all can spot it when we see it in others.

Emotional abuse often can lead to physical abuse also. I’ve seen some people so emotionally abuse their partners that they lose all confidence in their own abilities, and become dependent on their partner. This means they then tolerate more and more shit from them, as they are too scared to be by themselves. And sadly, sometimes they will then even tolerate physical abuse.

I know of females who are otherwise successful intelligent high earning and achieving members of society putting up with some of the above. They are the sort of people you wouldn’t think would take to being abused at this mental level. Yet they put up with it. They don’t have to. No one is forcing them to stay.
I’ve seen their Partners, who are supposed to be the number one best friend and often father of their kids, subject them to abuse where they question their own worth. I cringe when I see the hate in the abusers eyes where even there are witnesses to their abhorrent behaviour. Say anything and you cease to be on the guest list. But it is very hard to sit there quietly listening to the mental warfare. I don’t want to watch it.
I will sometimes try and intervene later, and tell them they shouldn’t take that crap. But as Cactus says, many just put up with it, believing any relationship is better than no relationship.
I’ve seen unstable women behave as badly towards my male friends. Men deal with it differently and usually suffer in relative silence but when a woman emotionally blackmails a man by threatening to commit suicide if he leaves her, the sort of mind games at that level is hopeless to comprehend and impossible to counter. When she’s flaunting the fact she’s rooting around on him when he isn’t there, flirting with his friends, loudly saying his appendage isn’t big enough, sexual performance isn’t good enough or he doesn’t have a high enough income while she spends all his money. All designed to emasculate his existence and control him from a woman’s position of physical weakness.
It does go both ways indeed. Cruelty is not gender specific.
The first and only time a boyfriend upset me with a derogatory comment I didn’t even talk back, I threw all his clothes off the fourth floor balcony at Princes Wharf into the street, waited til he went to retrieve them then chucked his cellphone at him gloriously hitting him smack in the middle of his head. I didn’t see the point of subsidising him to hang around if he was going to at least be pleasant.
More people should do this.
On the purely evil emotional level I’ve known of deadbeat Dads unsuccessfully harassing mistresses into abortions and pretend to then be an advocate for solo Mums against the “evils” proposed by the likes of Paula Bennett. The most disgusting sort of hypocrite as they’ve damaged more lives than any proponent of controlling the welfare state will. Heaven help them when that child finds out the truth as to how little his or her father wanted them to be born.
Disgusting.
Once again it is a matter of individual responsibility not to be in an emotionally abusive relationship and therefore enabling another to be able to carry out this abuse.
It doesn’t take money or government intervention to be positive and encouraging to your partner and kids. Anyone can do it. It doesn’t need a whole government department to solve.
In fact being caring and pleasant to those you live with and purport to be supporting through life is one of the few things that money can’t actually buy.
So very true.
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49 Responses to “Cactus Kate on emotional abuse”

  1. Dick (80 comments) says:

    A lot of white knighting by DPF and run of the mill feminist posting from CK. Chicks love guys who treat them like crap – it moistens their vaginas. Try being nice to a girl and she will dry up instantly and you will be dumped/rejected in no time.

    [DPF: 50 demerits]

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  2. Keeping Stock (10,095 comments) says:

    Reading Dick’s post reminded me that it’s four years today since Clayton Weatherston slaughtered Sophie Elliott…

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  3. XChequer (350 comments) says:

    Nice to see you living up to your name, ……errr………dick.

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  4. GPT1 (2,087 comments) says:

    Well said KS.

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  5. Griff (6,712 comments) says:

    This from cactus is priceless :razz:

    Every time I hear the words “destruction of family unit” footsteps behind comes a man who likes women to stay in the kitchen cooking Jake his fucking eggs.

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  6. GPT1 (2,087 comments) says:

    A generally outstanding piece from CK and an important issue. Psychological abuse is insidious – it can batter a victim down and destroy children who are either subject to it or view it.

    Reluctantly, as I think it is a very good piece, I am not convinced throwing belongings from the fourth floor is the best response to such abuse, it might be entirely understandable and even deserved but there are better ways to end a relationship.

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  7. XChequer (350 comments) says:

    “I am not convinced throwing belongings from the fourth floor is the best response to such abuse”

    No GPT1, you may be right. Bloody funny though, isn’t it?

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  8. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    Oh yes I might have asked him nicely to leave and put up with 20 minutes of whining and possible physical violence. Followed by having to serve a notice period for him to find another place to live even though I was paying the rent.

    Guess what? Never bothered me again. Intended result.

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  9. GPT1 (2,087 comments) says:

    No GPT1, you may be right. Bloody funny though, isn’t it?
    Yes, yes it is.

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  10. Scott Chris (5,875 comments) says:

    Good to see that Ms Odgers does acknowledge that there are undeserving victims of power abuse in this world. Sometimes it takes a little first hand experience to hammer the message home.

    Now perhaps she’ll be able to extend that compassion a little to other areas of the social spectrum.

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  11. Kea (11,878 comments) says:

    Keeping Stock:

    “Reading Dick’s post reminded me that it’s four years today since Clayton Weatherston slaughtered Sophie Elliott…”
    Weatherston claimed to have suffered physiological abuse from an obsessive jealous partner. He was a victim (in your world).

    Many women physiologically and emotionally abuse their partners. Given that it is claimed to be just as damaging as physical abuse, I guess (in Kate’s world) a man is justified in bashing his wife in her nagging mouth? ( in self- defense)

    If not, why?

    Kate goes on to tell us about her narcissistic rage when a boyfriend said something she did not like, one time. She gloats about smacking him in the back of the head with a cellphone (that’s assault) and damaging his property. DPF thinks more people should do this!

    So what is really your position DPF, for or against domestic violence?, or do you actually have no moral compass and simply appeal to feminist doctrine to score browny points with the girls?

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  12. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    Victims? Well undeserving the first time. Let it continue and yes you become a victim of yourself and kids suffer as well.
    Clearly you missed the whole adult personal responsibility angle.

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  13. Pharmachick (228 comments) says:

    GPT:
    Throwing belongings from a 4th floor balcony is
    1) not physically abusive (right up until the cell phone moment)
    2) unambiguous
    3) humiliating enough that the [apparently rude and ungracious] freeloader got the message immediately, without need for any drawn-out silliness re: tenancy tribunal etc
    4) personal (as opposed to say … e-mail)

    What’s not to appreciate. (That was rhetorical, note lack of question mark).

    If more women in shitty relationships, the vast majority of whom are in much worse circumstances than Ms. Odgers; were as empowered, definite & uncompromising as Cactus Kate and had the temerity to emulate that piece of poetic justice from the 4th floor, NZ would be better off be far!

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  14. Chuck Bird (4,668 comments) says:

    It is hard to beleive that any boyfriend of Kate’s could be unkind after all she is such a caring and tactful human being. If the sexes had of been reversed the man could have been charged with assault and be the one forced to leave the residence even if he was the owner.

    There are just as many abused men as women – both physically and emotionally. The are also as many useless abusive mothers as deadbeat dads. I do not blame a father for avoiding what amounts to alimony is cases where there contact with the children is blocked.

    On the subject of abortion if a women decides that is what she want a man is not even consulted.

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  15. Pharmachick (228 comments) says:

    Chuck Bird,
    if you’d bothered to read Cactus’ original post, you would have already seen that she advocated strongly for the same point as your second paragraph (and far more eloquently).

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  16. joana (1,983 comments) says:

    A great post Cactus.
    I have a friend whose house I will no longer visit because of her totally , toxic husband..Any time around him makes me physically sick..She makes all sorts of excuses for him saying he has a disorder etc..He is shocker..When one comes across a woman friend in this type of situation , it is very upsetting and impossible to understand why she stays.

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  17. Rat (383 comments) says:

    Would be interesting to hear the other side though.

    Take one view, take the other and somewhere down the middle is the trusth

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  18. Whaleoil (766 comments) says:

    @Chuck – just as many abused men as women? WTF! Only girly men would be abused by a woman, hardly even rates calling them a man.

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  19. Northland Wahine (647 comments) says:

    Joana… sadly MSD statistics show that on average a woman will leave her partner 7 times before she stays away for good.

    Nothing you say or do will speed the process up. Working with women that go into refuge, if you push them before they are ready to go, not only do they often blame YOU for making her leave him, but they have also been known to place safe houses at risk, by *inviting* their abusive ex partner to the refuge. Yes, some women really are that stupid.

    And they stay for lots of reasons. No self esteem, no means of supporting themselves, the belief that any relationship is better than no relationship, for the kids and yes… for financial reasons.

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  20. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    Chuck I run on the 2 x principle.
    I am twice as nice to people who are nice to me. Which makes me a nice friend or girlfriend.
    I am twice as horrid to people who are horrid to me. Which makes me a not so good person to be horrid to.

    Sadly you are running at a 4 x principle for not reading what I actually wrote and applying your own dislike for me to the twaddle you have written here.

    I am sorry you do not like me using the term deadbeat dads, well ok not really, it seems to wind you and other members of the angry Dads club up a treat. I made sure I covered both genders evenly in the piece I compiled and if you still don’t like that. Too bad.

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  21. BlairM (2,286 comments) says:

    Well fuck you very much Whaleoil, I ain’t no girly man but it happened to me, and if you have the morality to seek the preservation of your family first and foremost it can happen to anyone.

    Here’s my story: http://blairmulholland.wordpress.com/2012/01/09/emotional-abuse-my-story/

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  22. Spam (593 comments) says:

    I hope you are being sarcastic, Whaleoil. It’s that sort of attitude that makes men shut-up about abuse they get and cause it to be trivialised.

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  23. Whaleoil (766 comments) says:

    Blair…two things…I know what anti-depressants do…I know exactly what you explain….second I admire your tenacity…but abuse is abuse…

    I good friend of mine who was punched black and blue by her coward of a boyfriend stuck it out and stuck it out and finally she had enough…she woke him one night with a boiled jug and said if he ever hit her again she wouldn’t wake him next time.

    She also left the next day. Her advice to me for anyone in an abusive relationship is to not “act like a girl”. Zero Tolerance and in her case..step over the drunk and leave.

    My comment was aimed not at you…it was aimed at the constant unctuous pontification of prats like Chuck Bird who lecture and hector and tell every one else how to live their lives…and when you meet them in person you wonder just rock they crawled out from under.

    I apologise if I offended you personally. I meant only to offend Chuck.

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  24. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    After the lengths you’ve been through to be with your kids Blair I would call you many things but never in a million years a deadbeat Dad.

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  25. BlairM (2,286 comments) says:

    That’s cool Cam, it was a gut reaction to your comment.

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  26. David Garrett (6,350 comments) says:

    BlairM: When I first read your post I’m afraid I rolled my eyes somewhat…but then I followed your link….yep, one helluva situation to be in that’s for sure…. they seem to know that a man (or any decent man) will take all sorts of shit for fear of being deprived of access to his kids…good on you for fighting back…

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  27. Griff (6,712 comments) says:

    Nephew was sexually abused by his step mother on going to the police was laughed at.
    A friend was assaulted by his partner he rang the police and was arrested..
    I had a argument with my last girlfriend and tried to leave she would not let me. Her daughter heard the fight and rang the police. I ended up in the cells for the night Even though I was being detained without my consent.

    There is discrimination against males in the present system

    I hope whale oil is being sarcastic or he is just an arsehole

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  28. Whaleoil (766 comments) says:

    What Cactus Kate said, Blair, certainly not a deadbeat dad….plus you live in Texas…way cool

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  29. Griff (6,712 comments) says:

    Sorry whale Missed your last post

    Happy pills rule!

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  30. David Garrett (6,350 comments) says:

    Griff: The police openly admit to having an “arrest the male” policy once a complaint of male on female violence is made, regardless of any supporting evidence or lack thereof..the delicacy of my own present situation prevents me from elaborating further…

    While not bothering to attend “domestics” in the old days was obviously wrong, the pendulum has swung way too far the other way now…in my own tiny rural community I know of three guys who spent the weekend in the cells in similar circumstances to yours…they are not mates, and are only connected by their acquaintance with me….if that is the case here, there must be literally thousands of men in the same position across the country…

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  31. Scott Chris (5,875 comments) says:

    Blair isn’t publicly demonizing your former partner an abusive act in itself? She doesn’t have a right of reply and custody battles are notoriously bitter so who do we believe? If I were you, I’d delete it immediately. Word gets around.

    As for: “Only girly men would be abused by a woman”

    Well, kinda sums the guy up really.

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  32. nasska (10,632 comments) says:

    Depending on the circumstances under which a male is brought up a woman, be she mother, wife or girlfriend could be a punch bag who gets the bash when she talks back. A different upbringing can produce a man who will not hit a woman on principle. It is one time when nurture trumps nature.

    Having said that there is no lack of women who, especially after a session on the sauce, will for no good or apparent reason goad a male. I’ve seen this aggression continue to landing the first punch on more than one occasion. Trouble is that the average male has far more upper body strength & retaliation causes disproportionate injury.

    Female to male violence exists & not all of the victims are metrosexuals.

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  33. BlairM (2,286 comments) says:

    Well like I say Scott, it’s my story not hers, and I wasn’t lillywhite in my actions all the time either. I didn’t mention her by name. But I am telling you what happened, and if you choose not to believe me or believe I’m hiding something that’s up to you. I hold no ill will towards her, and I have to deal with her every week, but I’m not going to lie for her or cover up what happened, and I want to give people a practical example of how a woman can abuse a man and get away with it. But regardless of that she’s a good mother who loves her daughters just as much as I do, so I don’t mean to slur her beyond just giving a truthful account of what happened to me.

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  34. Scott Chris (5,875 comments) says:

    Cactus Kate says: “After the lengths you’ve been through to be with your kids Blair I would call you many things but never in a million years a deadbeat Dad.”

    So I take it you aren’t going to pour scorn on his victim behaviour. I suppose it’s different when you know something of the extenuating circumstances.

    ~But all those nameless faceless leaches playing victim at WINZ. Fuck them. They don’t have a story, cause 2 X Kate ain’t heard it. They’re all scum~.

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  35. BlairM (2,286 comments) says:

    I also have to say that I expected some people would be disparaging, so I am not bothered by that, but I would ask them “what would you do?” You either have to hit her back, or scream back at her, or swear back at her, or you have to be a henpecked punching back, or you can leave. If you hit her back, you get a call to the cops. If you scream at her, somebody else calls the cops and you have to give an account as a couple to them. If you shut up and take it then yes, you are a girly man. But if you leave, what then? She takes your children, possibly out of the country, never to be seen again. That’s why if you leave, you have to talk to somebody about what is going on and make a plan. I’m afraid I never did that, and most of the time would end up swearing at her and abusing her back. People need to understand how difficult and precarious a situation like this is. If you haven’t lived it, it’s easy to think that a woman half your size could never kick you around, and of course I would never let a stranger do that to me, but if it starts up after six months and you’re in love and she’s pregnant… whole different story.

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  36. Northland Wahine (647 comments) says:

    I worked with a guy that I shall call “John” 15 years ago. When I first met up, quite frankly he gave me the creeps, I had been with the company close to 3 months when someone shared his story with me.

    John was and is below the average IQ. A hard and diligent worker who never missed a day of work and often worked Saturdays to help make ends meet for his wife and their 3 children. For added income, they took in a border. The border became his wife’s lover and John found himself a boarder in his own home as he did not want to lose contact with his kids.

    To cut a long story short, the youngest daughter was killed by the wife’s new partner and the remaining 2 children were removed from his and now ex’s care. However, because of John’s lack of communication skills, what was Social Welfare of the day, decided he was unfit to care for his remaining children and they were fostered.

    And sadly because John had no where else to go, he often slept next to his daughters grave for quite some time. Over the years that i worked with John, I saw him enter into relationships with utter bitches who beat him, took his money and again cheated on him. And John believed he deserved no different.

    2 years ago one of my sons was the best man at this wedding, to an awesome woman, who cherishes him. John will never be a financial success… but he is one of the richest people i know.

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  37. Scott Chris (5,875 comments) says:

    Blair says:- “I didn’t mention her by name.”

    No but people you know who read your blog know her. If your motives in publishing the story are genuinely altruistic, then I apologize for the insinuation. But FFS, take it off and publish it under a pseudonym if you have to.

    On the other hand, having a now grown up daughter living in Melbourne with my remarried ex partner, I know the hell you’re going through. Luckily she’s a good woman and so’s her partner. I fucked that one up.

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  38. Chuck Bird (4,668 comments) says:

    Pharmachick, I do not really like to argue with you as am impressed with most of your post. However, I took note of what you said read the the original post. Below is a quote.

    It isn’t just men dishing out this abuse, women are capable of doing it as well. But the victims are almost always children and the weak who can’t stick up for themselves, whom more often than not are women.

    That does not seem like she is say men and women are equally abusive.

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  39. Griff (6,712 comments) says:

    Gee cactus shows her warm side for once and …..abuse
    my my Scott this place has got to you

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  40. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    No Chuck I said I covered both angles from either gender. I covered that equally in examples.

    That I then concluded that the victims are “the weak who can’t stick up for themselves”. And I think the majority of these are women. Which they are.

    That women and men can both be abusers, I covered this in details also.

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  41. Chuck Bird (4,668 comments) says:

    Cam Slater, so you think you are a real man everyone can aspire to? Are you supporting you wife and family or is the taxpayer? Please tell us all if you are still on the dole – hypocrite. I usually ignore you because you are an arrogant bully with a serious personality problem. I have no doubt if I have the misfortune to meet you will be the real hero and try to provoke me as you are 20 years or so younger and probably 20 kg heaver.

    You must have thought you were a real hero challenging Mallard to a boxing match.

    Many of us remember how you rubbished people on the dole while you ripped an insurance company off. When they had enough your attitude was like Georgina Beyer you would not work at anything menial. Instead you whine about being forced to sell your house.

    I am not religious but I believe karma. You time will come. Your wife has so far put up with you and your obnoxious behaviour. She has made public comment about it. She says she remembers when you were a nice person. You better hope she remembers. In a way I do so I will not have to hear you whine like when the insurance company had enough.

    I seldom make personal attacks. I was making in point about male and female abuse. Maybe you can make a fool out of me and tell me and other you have been off the dole for a long time and are setting an example for your child or children.

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  42. BlairM (2,286 comments) says:

    I’m removing the post after tonight. I don’t want any fallout or hassles from it. But I will put my main message from it here:

    This was a relationship I needed to leave. At any point in this story I could have, and should have, left the relationship. I’ve explained compelling reasons why I did not, but largely left out the most important one – I was deeply in love. And I was never going to leave someone with whom I was that much in love no matter how much they hurt me. I suspect it is the same with many other relationships, with both males and females.

    So here’s my message: If you know someone who is in this sort of relationship, you may have to be very strict with them. You need to get in their face and tell them straight up that they ought to leave, tell them how they are hurting themselves, and tell them how they are hurting their children. But more than that, give them a plan. If you can outline to them how they can get out, keep their property (or as much as they can) keep their children, and restore their own power in their dealings with their partner, then you can hopefully give them a glimpse of how they can escape, even if it is under the ruse of a “temporary separation”. I really wish that someone had sat me down and done this for me. It might not have been enough, but it also may have been the key to turning things around and causing the light to go on in my head. You need to try if you have a friend in this sort of situation. The key is showing them how they can restore the balance of power which has been taken from them, because ultimately abuse in a relationship is a shift in whomever has the power.

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  43. Whaleoil (766 comments) says:

    Good one Chuck. Now you show the real person behind you nice conservative and doctrinaire, thin-lipped American exterior. A real nasty piece of work….just as I suspected from the couple of times I have had the mis-fortune of meeting you.

    I always listen to my gut feel when I meet someone..and again I am right. Anyone who wants to investigate and creep around finding out about various political leaders sexual preferences and those of their partners just plain creeps me out.

    Your constant fascination with Peter Davis borders on stalking. Your constant crusade against “them homosexuals” and your constant whining about their alleged predatory behaviour toward children suggest a frustration on your part that may well be unhealthy. Your ignorance and intolerance of other people who dare to be “different” says more about you than any one your attempt to smear.

    Now your defamatory comments about me and an insurance company just mark you as a vindictive, spiteful little man. It also shows that you have zero understanding of mental illness and depression, much like your lack of understanding about homosexuality and family issues.

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  44. Cactus Kate (545 comments) says:

    Chuck making comments about Cam’s wife, bringing his kids into it and quoting completely out of context her public comments shows you to be the creepy despicable little man I feared you to be which is why I refused to meet with you when you demanded me to over my ACT nomination. You are well documented to dislike women with any opinion that doesn’t match your own and deem any woman who possibly has had more than one partner in their life to be a slut. Your views on homosexuality are terminal in my view, seeing them as subhuman.

    You can say a lot about Cameron but he is an excellent father to his kids and his wife is his best friend and he is hers.

    You dont know me, I don’t know you and I don’t want to, but I’d put good money on Cam being a better father and husband than you ever have been.

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  45. Chuck Bird (4,668 comments) says:

    Kate, I follow your same policy. If some one has a deliberate go at me I respond. Cam as he said deliberately went out of his way to offend me and it succeeded. I am a conservative and do not share liberal and liberation views. However, I am usually able to discuss issues.

    Incidentally, I have a excellent relationship with my adult children as well as my grandchild.

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  46. Clint Heine (1,563 comments) says:

    Oh FFS, too many of you dumbasses criticising this purely because CK wrote it. No wonder we never achieve to tackle the big issues in NZ. Too many of you waiting in the wings to kick another.

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  47. The Scorned (719 comments) says:

    Creepy Chuck Bird gets schooled by CK and Whale…..happy days.

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  48. Steve Wrathall (238 comments) says:

    “…chucked his cellphone at him gloriously hitting him smack in the middle of his head.”
    Reverse the genders and how does it look?

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  49. redeye (631 comments) says:

    I don’t wish to make light of a serious subject but you’ve failed to mention the most prolific of mental abuse against men and that is mother-in-law abuse. How does one cope? You can’t leave? you can’t even throw their cell phones at them?

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