Dim-Post on Burton Parole

The satirical Dim-Post comments are too good to leave off the front page, so here’s his latest:

Burton Given Parole on Basis of his Own Diagnosis

Dim-Post Tuesday 27 November

Documents supplied to the Dim-Post by sources within the Department sources show that paroled murderer Graeme Burton was released on the basis of a psychiatric form that he himself filled out.

The one page report used by the to asses the suitability of Burton’s release contains two sections; the first to be filled out by the prisoner and the second to be written by a qualified psychiatrist.

On the form obtained by the Dim-Post the prisoner name is that of Graeme Burton and the Psychiatrists name is ‘Doctor Dum Faggot.’ However the style of handwriting on both sections is identical.

The Department have no record of Dr Faggot on their staff.

The Psychological Evaluation section that the cited in their decision to release Burton does not contain a clinical analysis and instead consists of the single sentence: ‘Graeme is totalee [sic] cool let him out now scum.’

Under Examiners Diagnosis and Conclusions is a sketch of a large penis and the words ‘let him out or u will die’ repeated over a dozen times.

A large drawing at the bottom of the page in a section labeled Medication, Treatment and Additional Clinical Comments depicts a naked woman nailed to a crucifix with knives poking into her eyes, breasts and genital area.

Department Director Barry Matthews told the Dim-Post that he considers the form to be a vindication of his department and the parole board.

‘The lower half of the document was filled in by Burton in a ‘breathtaking breach of procedure,’ Matthews said.

‘The bottom of the form is clearly marked examiners use only,’ Matthews said. ‘It is to be filled out by the psychiatrist and not the prisoner. How can we anticipate that kind of dishonesty?’

”We evaluate parole decisions on the advice of highly trained experts,’ Matthews said. ‘Mr Burton has no formal clinical training and was not qualified to diagnose himself as ready to be released into the community.’

Corrections Matt Robson announced that the Department will be implementing an IT based solution to prevent this problem from reoccurring.

‘An optical character recognition device will ensure that the two people filling out the form are different people,’ Robson said. ‘This will put an end to deadly mistakes made by my department once and for all.’

The solution has been priced at one hundred and fifty million dollars and will be rolled out to prisons over the next eight years.

Keep them coming, Dim.

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