Dim-Post asks the hard questions
The Dim-Post asks the hard questions of John Key:
- Why did the jackals and wolves at Auckland zoo crawl to the front of their cages and prostate themselves before Key during a recent family visit?
- Why do retail staff at the mall near his home allege the MP and his family are stockpiling food, drinking water, ammunition and antibiotics?
- Is Key’s favourite musician really Robbie Williams? I mean, really? Robbie fucking Williams?
- How can he claim to represent the people of Helensville when his 2007 statement of assets list his primary residences as ‘hollowed out volcano’ and ‘orbital pain-control platform’?
- Why is he called Earnest in urban areas but Jack when canvassing for rural votes?
- Do rich dudes play Monopoly with real money or not?
Nicky Hager has intercepted a copy of Key’s draft answers and leaked them to me:
- Because Crosby/Textor ordered them to do so
- In case Helen steals another election
- No. That was a focus group supplied answer to appeal to 18 – 25 year olds
- It isn’t a volcano, it is just a large bach
- I prefer to be called Jack but as the public don’t want me to sell Earnest, I am keeping that name also for at least my first term of office
- No, because there are no $500 notes in real life. It’s like playing monopoly with nothing but $1 notes.