Hilarious

May 14th, 2011 at 9:25 am by David Farrar

Danyl at Dim-Post has found a second letter from to John Key:

It is with a heavy heart that I withdraw my membership, not only of the National Party, as I explained in my previous letter, but also from the National Party Social Bowling Club of which I have been a proud member for twenty-three years.

I do not take this decision lightly and I have made it after observing, with mounting alarm, your lack of commitment to the activity of bowling.

When I had the privilege to serve as President of the Social Bowling Club and you were my treasurer, I railed against the inefficiency of the sport as I saw it. Despite repeated attempts to destroy the little pins at the end of the lane with our heavy balls, there was never any reduction in the total amount of pins. We spent many hours knocking them down but the next time the Club met there they all were again, standing upright just as before, presumably placed there by some malign, unseen state agency.

I gave many speeches, John – which you endorsed – calling for the cessation of bowling using balls, arguing for the deployment of hand grenades and fragile crystal globes filled with acid. Have you forgotten those plans?

And he continues:

The things I discovered shocked me. I learned, and reported back to you, that the pins we knocked down during each game were the SAME PINS EVERY TIME. Concealed at the back of the lane was a large, complicated mechanical apparatus that picked them up and set them standing again! I was literally sick with terror and disgust! All our previous efforts had been for naught!

I appraised you of these facts, John, but your response to them staggers me. You have not disconnected this equipment, as I advised. You have not smashed the pins with heavy mallets, even though, as we now know to our terrible cost, their total number is small, no more than a few dozen at best, and they could easily be annihilated. Instead I have looked on with uncomprehending horror as, under your leadership, National MPs now bowl from the start of the lane instead of standing directly above the pins and hurling the balls at them as was practise during my presidency.

Superb satire.

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19 Responses to “Hilarious”

  1. Viking2 (11,665 comments) says:

    Viking2 (4,024) Says:
    May 14th, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Well none of the issues in Don’s letter are new.
    We have been debating and criticizing these issues and lack of response since the last election. Not withstanding the earthquakes which for most part are insured there is nothing really new in the world of NZ that wasn’t apparent before that election. Indeed more than a few things have actually gone in NZ’s favour. We have record export prices, record demand for product which exporters have rushed to fulfill but all that is negated by the Nats. lack of desire to deal with the fundamental monetary structure and freedoms that NZ needs. We have continued with a command and control society that is constantly expecting business to carry the can. We have failed miserably to remove the barriers to peoples work and inspiration and we have failed to harness the power of entrepreneurial people.
    We remain dedicated to unionist and public service structures that prevent better development of enterprise.
    We can’t decide to sell old assets and create new ones, we continue to subsidize someone else.s preferences, in other words we have not moved one full stop from socializing NZ.

    This despite the National Parties supposed reason for being which they have conveniently decided to suppress of late.

    So no one should be surprised that some in (and now out) the National Party and their supporters should be taking a tougher stance.
    Being nice is great, we all like that especially after the last nine years but hey that won’t dig us out of a ditch, and its a ditch that we are in. ( As a matter of comparison what is a ditch? Well its a long grave without ends. Think about it.)

    Lack of clear goals leads to lack of leadership and the goal of matching Australia has been like many of Helen Clarks spoken goals, forgotten like last weeks press statement.
    This is a disgrace and allows the daily hum drum noise and nonsense to transcend our real goals. Known as distraction.

    CEO.s are there to ensure that this doesn’t happen. Key is the CEO of NZ and we now have these goals ignored indeed dismissed in the rush to be popular. What does that tell us of his focus on the goals?

    Today’s Stuff has an article from a gentleman of 91 years of age. A gentleman who fought at Crete and who after all these years of staying quiet and remaining loyal to the people who were his leaders at the time, has decided that the time is now to tell the real story of why Crete was lost and so many Kiwi’s were killed or captured and imprisoned.
    Indecisive leadership, based on bad information and a fear by their leader of attacking in the dark. Failure to consult and listen to what needed to be done and failure to execute.

    Its makes for an interesting read and an interesting comparison to our current dilemma.

    Fortune favours the Brave.

    http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/5003191/Officer-breaks-rank-over-the-Battle-of-Crete

    NZ National Party Founding Principles 1936
    “To promote good citizenship and self-reliance; to combat communism and socialism; to maintain freedom of contract; to encourage private enterprise; to safeguard individual rights and the privilege of ownership; to oppose interference by the State in business, and State control of industry”.

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  2. berend (1,689 comments) says:

    Satire is superb if you can’t replace the names. In this case the names John Key and Brash could be swapped, and the thing would read exactly the same, any two names could. So it’s satire, but only with glasses proscribed by National you could read this as superb.

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  3. Richard Hurst (885 comments) says:

    A third letter has been revealed:

    It is with a heavy heart that I must tell your wife is leaving you for me. She did not make this decision lightly but as she has made clear to you many times, your performance in the bedroom has been appalling. She has informed me that despite my advise you did not try any new positions with her, you have often claimed to ‘be tired’ or ‘have headache’ when your wife has expressed an interest in marital relations and on the rare occasions that you do they have finished in a matter of minutes and sadly your wife told she fell asleep during one of them.

    This is not what your wife married you for.

    yours sincerely,

    Don

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  4. tvb (4,553 comments) says:

    Yes I am sure the Don has rationalised in his head each affair, he has had. Of course he is NOT responsible, he was simply acting rationally. There is no moral dimension, which is something that is curiously absent from his character.

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  5. Clint Heine (1,495 comments) says:

    Good satire, such a pity that Danyl is an utter twat.

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  6. rakuraku (162 comments) says:

    I have been waiting for the great economic plan for the last 30 years to get things moving in this country, all i have seen is a country getting deeper in the s*** and selling off the family assets.

    Each party is only concerned with getting elected at the next election and stuff the NZ public, appears to be one big game with each party blaming the other for the state of the nation.

    I guess we have to be well and truly f***** b4 we start lifting ourselves off the canvas either that or become slaves to our overseas owners or masters.

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  7. magic bullet (776 comments) says:

    Don thinks he is a rational consumer of pussy. He weighs up the opportunity-cost of chasing a piece of skirt, then if all signs are good he rams his advantage home. Perhaps now he thinks that it wasn’t worth the loss in terms of political power and image. Kinda shows why his theory of human behaviour is wrong. Humans do not always behave with enlightened self-interest. Not even the more sentient of us.

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  8. Nick K (1,259 comments) says:

    Cactus Kate’s is better.

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  9. Viking2 (11,665 comments) says:

    “Humans do not always behave with enlightened self-interest.”

    Well the labour Party did and the National Party are having a dam good try.

    You are scum MB. Why don’t you post on Labour’s peccadillo’s. Oh That’s enlightened self interest.

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  10. Shunda barunda (2,986 comments) says:

    You are scum MB. Why don’t you post on Labour’s peccadillo’s. Oh That’s enlightened self interest.

    No more scum than the the rash Brash that you seem to be so keen to pucker up to.

    Brash clearly has a lack of values where it counts, a secretary, female president, the man is a typical rich prick cliché, nothing more.

    He will soon gravitate to young men is my bet, after all, he did just f@ck Rodney up the bum, and he was supposed to be his friend!!.

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  11. Viking2 (11,665 comments) says:

    Shunda Oh but the gift that God did give us but to see ourselves as others see us.

    That post discredits you.
    Sadly.

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  12. Brian Harmer (687 comments) says:

    V2: What Robbie actually wrote was: “O wad some Power the gift tae gie us
    To see oursels as ithers see us!”

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  13. BeaB (2,164 comments) says:

    rakuraku But our fate lies in our hands. I don’t see why so many NZers pin their faith on politicians to transform their lives and the future of the nation. They are mainly plonkers being advised by more plonkers.

    We have the sun, the sea and the land, our brains and hands, so what is wrong with us that we keep searching for the man with the golden answer?

    We are like simple-minded savages looking to the skies for the cargo to arrive.

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  14. Viking2 (11,665 comments) says:

    Beab. Unfortunately that’s a naive view of the world. We live in a country that has a parliament that makes the rules. Rules that are not necessarily conducive to doing what you are saying but are non the less enforced one way or another. To be civilized we do need some rules. Unfortunately the socialists seem to think we need far more than we do if only to aid and abet their means of taxation and giving our money to someone else.

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  15. Jman (84 comments) says:

    I don’t see how you can call that superb satire. Lame, wide of the mark and irrelevant is what I’m thinking. The whole bowling ball analogy just doesn’t stack up against anything in Don’s letter.

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  16. PaulL (5,446 comments) says:

    I didn’t find it all that funny, it was mildly amusing, but not really sharp enough. The analogy from what Don said to Dim’s version wasn’t really there – it was more left wing stereotypes than anything else. Not his best work.

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  17. Pharmachick (248 comments) says:

    Yes, Cactus has one too:

    http://www.scribd.com/doc/55377182/Dear-Don

    Cactus Kate doing her [awesome] thing again, and quite funny too!

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  18. Maggie (672 comments) says:

    Dear John,

    It is with a heavy wallet that I am forced to write to you tendering my resignation from the National Party Rent a Panda Committee.

    I feel totally betrayed by your failure to inform this body that the animals envisaged were communist pandas and not the capitalist variety I had requested.

    Your cavalier treatment of this vital issue has left me bewildered and wounded to the very quick. You know that over the years I have issued many speeches warning of the dangers of allowing into our once great nation the cancer of Marxist monkeys, communistic camels and Stalinist stingrays – even on temporary visas.

    As leader of the ACT party my first action will be to establish a cacus committee dedicated to keeping New Zealand fauna free of the insidious influence of any creatures unable to pass a poltical pureness test.

    Yours in great sadness,

    Don Brash

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  19. tvb (4,553 comments) says:

    I am sure that when or if the money runs out Don Brash and his supporters can gleefully implement their prescription. Thousands will be out of work and thousands more will be living in poverty. But we are not there yet. Yes it is borrow and hope for better times. But the alternative is widespread poverty and a recession will turn into a depression.

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