The Civilian Party

May 21st, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

borderedadstroketest

The first billboard of The Civilian Party. Love it. Some extracts:

We believe that New Zealand is the greatest country in Australasia, with the possible exception of Australia.

New Zealand is a place where dreams come true, particularly if those dreams are about drinking heavily.

New Zealand has a long record of great accomplishments. We’ve done so many things we can be proud of. We climbed a big mountain. We said no to new forms of energy because we were scared. We got bombed by France. We had a nationwide argument about whether to actively oppose segregation or watch a game of rugby. We gave women the vote. We went to war and lost a significant portion of our population. We crashed a plane in Antarctica. We had a Prime Minister who called an election while drunk.

Heh.

But six years on, John Key has failed us.

The economy is performing well in some aspects, but poorly in others, the gap between rich and poor is growing faster than ever; earthquakes, hurricanes and floods have killed thousands*, and frozen L&P is a limited-time offer at best.
(*In other places)

To add to this, unemployment is high, innocent synthetic cannabis junkies are not, and our small country doesn’t even have the beginnings of a space program, unless you count the one time we all deliberately let go of our helium balloons. It didn’t occur to even one of us how we’d retrieve the cameras we put inside them.

It is clear to anyone who examines the record that this government is weak, it is tired, and its time has come.

But it is not simply enough that the Government needs to go. A strong and viable opposition is required, and this is something that our country is sorely lacking.

The Green Party, our nation’s main opposition party, once strong, has become shrill and petty, while the Labour Party remains adrift, with current leader David Cunliffe performing even worse in polls than the previous leader, a polite forehead.

Indeed, no one is doing well in John Key’s New Zealand; especially not the opposition.

But not all is lost. With the traditional vehicles of resistance fading, a new opposition rises from the ashes, one better equipped to echo the sentiments of a nation that barely knows what it’s talking about. That opposition is Party.

Where the Labour Party is shrinking in support, the Civilian Party is growing. Where the Greens have had half their leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig, the Civilian Party has had its entire leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig; and before the year is over, we intend to be threatened again.

I hope they get lots of candidates. Will make candidate meetings much more fun to attend.

Some policies:

  • Declare New Zealand’s independence from Hamilton. (Read more)
  • Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.
  • Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.
  • Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch.
  • Reform the Justice system so that every citizen is required to prove why they shouldn’t be in prison.
  • Issue a formal apology to Australia’s aboriginal population.
  • Maintain New Zealand’s long-term commitment to free nuclear energy.
  • Ice cream.
  • Lower greenhouse gas emissions by placing restrictions on the number of greenhouses, and greater obligations upon trees to absorb carbon dioxide.
  • Bring ultra-fast broadband access to the majority of rural New Zealand by 2016 and dial-up to Invercargill by 2017.

And a final thought from them:

The only thing that our great nation has to fear is fear itself, stagnant unemployment, low wages, superannuation costs, the economic consequences of existing and prospective free trade deals, rheumatic fever, Winston Peters, small pointy objects, daytime television, oil spills, earthquakes, cancer, traffic congestion in Auckland, systemic poverty, the ineffectiveness of throat lozenges, tornadoes, the housing shortage, global warming, gay marriage, straight marriage, bullying, chemtrails, losing one hour of sleep at daylight savings time, paedophiles, the current account deficit, terrorism, bus fares, and the possibility that a crab will sever our undersea telecommunications cables.

That crab fear is quite a worry!

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29 Responses to “The Civilian Party”

  1. jp_1983 (200 comments) says:

    are they guys registered?

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  2. BeeJay (69 comments) says:

    Sounds like McGillicuddy Serious Party resurrected! One of their greatest policies was “to halt the Greenhouse effect, stop the sale of green house paint”! Probably makes more sense than the current green idiots and their loony Australian leader.

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  3. GTP (42 comments) says:

    My personal favourite

    “If every household in New Zealand used energy efficient light bulbs, we’d save the same amount of energy that Hamilton uses in a whole year. So instead of using energy efficient bulbs, why not get rid of Hamilton?”

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  4. James Stephenson (2,077 comments) says:

    Where’s Helen Clarke coming back from NY in that list of things we have to fear?

    Other than that, it looks better thought out than anything the Greens, Mana or Dotcon have come up with yet.

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  5. Unity (367 comments) says:

    As I didn’t see binding referenda and racial equality under the law in their list, they are not for me. These two issues are crucial if this country is ever to become a democracy once again. In the meantime we lurch ever more quickly towards apartheid, which is actually here now that we have special treatment based on race in virtually all aspects of our lives.

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  6. mikenmild (11,231 comments) says:

    So you would vote for them if they included binding referenda and racial equality among their other joke policies? Awesome.

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  7. Elaycee (4,322 comments) says:

    Their billboard ‘effort’ is reason No 1,273 why we should never have taxpayer funded political campaigns.

    Just saying…..

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  8. mikenmild (11,231 comments) says:

    We already have taxpayer funded political campaigns.

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  9. Adolf Fiinkensein (2,814 comments) says:

    I’m afraid ily’s right. Labour and the Greens have stolen millions from taxpayers to fund their campaigns.

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  10. Unity (367 comments) says:

    I would first look for the two essential policies for me, before I looked further and then follow on from there. If those two aren’t included, then I’m not interested and may not even vote (a first for me) this election if no Party has them because they are so important to me. Without them we don’t have a democracy so what’s the point in voting in more of the same? There is always ‘best of a bad bunch’ but I’m so fed up with our current politicians on all sides of the House that it would just leave a sour taste in my mouth giving any of them my vote.

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  11. Rich Prick (1,604 comments) says:

    Actually, their tax policy makes a whole lot of sense.

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  12. mikenmild (11,231 comments) says:

    Unity
    Do you still not realise that this is a fun party set up by a well-known satirical website?

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  13. davidp (3,551 comments) says:

    Have Norman, Peters, and Curran visited the Civilian Party leader at his home yet?

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  14. Peter (1,653 comments) says:

    They are more sensible than the Greens policies, certainly.

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  15. Pete George (23,165 comments) says:

    The Civilian can be very funny but it’s hard to tell if they seriously want to get enough members for a party or not. They tried to rustle up members last year but it mustn’t have been successful. That’s if they seriously want to actually register a party, which is difficult to work out.

    Has anyone tried to join up?

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  16. m@tt (604 comments) says:

    I for one know that I’ll sleep easier tonight knowing that you’re asking the important questions on this vital issue Pete.

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  17. mikenmild (11,231 comments) says:

    I for one would welcome our new Civilian Party overlords.

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  18. Zapper (949 comments) says:

    “Sounds like McGillicuddy Serious Party resurrected! One of their greatest policies was “to halt the Greenhouse effect, stop the sale of green house paint”! Probably makes more sense than the current green idiots and their loony Australian leader.”

    The fact that a current leader of the Green Party started out in McGillicuddy Serious gets very little coverage.

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  19. spanish_tudor (56 comments) says:

    Will Metiria go back to her McGillicuddy-esque roots, thereby leaving one joke party for another?

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  20. mikenmild (11,231 comments) says:

    She might be a fan of the ice cream…

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  21. katydid (11 comments) says:

    I just joined, so that’s one more of the 500 members that they need.

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  22. Longknives (4,624 comments) says:

    Still far more sensible than anything the Greens or Mana can come up with….

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  23. emmess (1,387 comments) says:

    Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.

    So whats new?

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  24. Fisiani (980 comments) says:

    The McGillicuddy Party and the Bill and Ben Party always attracted left wing young voters and were wasted votes. Hopefully the Civilian Party will hoover up 3% of votes from yoof.

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  25. Viking2 (11,220 comments) says:

    http://www.thecivilian.co.nz/john-banks-asked-mud-to-be-thrown-in-two-separate-amounts/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=john-banks-asked-mud-to-be-thrown-in-two-separate-amounts

    The 78-year-old man who threw mud at ACT MP John Banks outside a court appearance on Monday, has now made a bizarre accusation against the former Auckland mayor through a legal representative.

    Castislav Bracanov, who has a history of serial throwing, claims that Banks was fully aware he would have mud thrown at him prior to the incident, and in fact asked Bracanov to split his mud into two separate amounts, so that he wouldn’t get too messy “all at once.”

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  26. Johnboy (15,410 comments) says:

    Wankers to a man!

    edit:……. Sad pathetic wankers to a man! :)

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  27. Slipster (79 comments) says:

    Those must be the former Greenies who have finally outgrown the utter childish nonsense of their former party and decided to start something more serious and rational. They succeded too – by a country mile.

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  28. Longknives (4,624 comments) says:

    Slipster- Fucking brilliant!! Pour yourself a beer…

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  29. Random Punter (65 comments) says:

    My favourite McGillicuddy Serious candidate was the one who, when asked what would be the first thing he would do if he found he’d been elected, replied “Demand a recount”.

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