General Debate 17 November 2012

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David Garrett

Is there a spell check function on this thing? Red sometimes uses some relatively obscure words, correctly spelled…and the posts are too quick for him to be looking up his dictionary…
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November 17, 2012 4:32pm
mikenmild

Yes, you can check your spelling David. The wavy red line should appear under your misspelt word – you can right click it to see the correction options. Change the language to English (NZ) or English (UK) and it’ll appear less often.
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November 17, 2012 4:37pm
Johnboy

“pseudonymous guerilla war with the Nats”

Fuck that is frighting stuff, pseudonymous is a a really dodgy sort of bacteria.

I thought we had banned Bacteriological warfare in Godzone?

Maybe we just banned the second half of Bacterio-logical! 🙂
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November 17, 2012 4:38pm
nasska

mikenmild

….”Change the language to English (NZ) or English (UK) and it’ll appear less often.”….

How the Hell do you do that. Yank spelling is enough to drive anyone round the bend!
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November 17, 2012 4:41pm
mikenmild

At first I wondered if Redbaiter moans his frustration about the world and his Mum does her best to type it out sensibly for him. Now I think it’s a bit more random than that. I’m pretty sure I could build a Redbaiter automatic comment generator.
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November 17, 2012 4:41pm
David Garrett

Thanks Mikey…I actually correct mine the old fashioned way…from knowledge remembered from primary school…perhaps I should be charitable and assume Red is doing the same thing, rather than using some useful “app” (is that right??) on this thing.. (Yes, I did just make up “pseudonymous” : Person operating or conducting campaign using the internet, while using a pseudonym..what do ya think? )
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November 17, 2012 4:42pm
mikenmild

nasska
Right click on a word with the wavy line under it and select ‘languages’. Usually there is just English (US) there, but you can select ‘add dictionaries’. That will open a new Firefox tab where you can choose other English versions.
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November 17, 2012 4:44pm
Johnboy

Sorry David old chap. I thought you said pseudomonas.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudomonas

🙂
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November 17, 2012 4:45pm
David Garrett

MM: I think at this very moment Red is probably swimming around the island off the main beach at Mt Maunganui, for the second time today, while carrying an old chain tong (look it up if anyone can be bothered) between his manly thighs, and a spinning chain wrapped around his head…you know, like Rambo…

Serious note….no, perhaps not….
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November 17, 2012 4:45pm
DJP6-25

iMP 8:16 am. Thanks for the footage.

cheers

David Prosser
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November 17, 2012 4:46pm
nasska

mikenmild

Thanks…I’ll try it.
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November 17, 2012 4:46pm
DJP6-25

Viking2 8:33 am. Good news.

cheers

David Prosser
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November 17, 2012 4:48pm
David Garrett

I actually did work with some barking mad bastards Red reminds me off back in the day…Always screaming and yelling…their crews hated them…some had things “fall” on them out of the derrick….something metal falling 50 feet doesnt have to be very big to make a firkin mess….

One I recall, after a guy got quite badly hurt, yelled out “drag that cocksucker off to one side, and let’s get on with it!” They literally led him away muttering, and confined him to his trailer until they could get a plane in for him…True story…
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November 17, 2012 4:55pm
Shunda barunda

They’ve finally released the true footage of when Princess Leia’s ship was attacked by imperial forces, turns out they had voiced over Darth Vader’s actual voice, he sounds much more like “Gunnery sgt Vader” to me……. 😀

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgFgEqm3o60
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November 17, 2012 5:20pm
Viking2

Whenever the owners of this house with a pool came home, they found puddles
of water near their pool.
They believed the neighbours’ kids waited ’till they went out, to use the pool……
So they installed a camera and this is what they saw

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4364207535685
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November 17, 2012 6:52pm
Longknives

Shunda- Still not as funny as the real thing…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja4v-qiFvBg
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November 17, 2012 6:57pm
Longknives

V2- That’s pretty clever!
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November 17, 2012 6:58pm
Viking2

I Did What She Said

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I am still looking for a place to live.
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November 17, 2012 7:06pm
Longknives

V2- Even better!
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November 17, 2012 7:09pm
Steve (North Shore)

Kids can’t be kids anymore, and adults can’t be kids.
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10848089&ref=rss

You PC wankers and cork soakers should be ashamed of yourselves for banning this at schools.
I would like to know who banned it? not the Govt of the day, but the person who instigated this ban of fun
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November 17, 2012 7:20pm
Viking2

One of your socialist soft cock mates Steve.
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November 17, 2012 7:25pm
Viking2

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam’.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato’.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P..U. (that’s PotatoUniversity ). So that when she graduated she’d really be “in the Chips”.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Keith Quinn.

“Keith Quinn!!!!”, they cried. They were very upset and told Yam “You can’t possibly marry Keith Quinn because he’s just ……..

Are you ready for this? Are you sure? * OK! You asked for it: Here it is! * *

….. just a COMMONTATER!”
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November 17, 2012 7:27pm
David Garrett

V2: LOL !!! I like that one….

here’s one from California…

An old woman goes to the doctor….she goes comes home…

the old guy says “well, how did it go?”

She says : “He says I have acute angina”

[scroll down]

“Oh yeah? Whaddit he say about your ass?”
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November 17, 2012 7:27pm
Viking2

http://screencast.com/t/TKlaT1V6gl

http://screencast.com/t/B0Sip8DT

http://screencast.com/t/hcmK9Nkihnn
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November 17, 2012 7:30pm
Steve (North Shore)

One of my Socialist soft cock mates V2?
Must remember not to vote for them next time 🙂
Hey V2, have you taken over fron nasska as the humourist? they are good
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November 17, 2012 7:31pm
Longknives

“have you taken over from nasska as the humourist? ”

Nah Nasska fires them up at 8pm on the dot. He is about 24 minutes away….
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November 17, 2012 7:37pm
Steve (North Shore)

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from an Aussie. (between brackets the country where the question was coming from)

===============================================

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
—
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
—
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.
—
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
—
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.
—
6. Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
—
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not…… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
—
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send you the rest of the directions.
—
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
—
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is…. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
—
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink !
—
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
—
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
—
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
—
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
—
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them !
—
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
—
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
—
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
—
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
—
21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
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November 17, 2012 7:46pm
Steve (North Shore)

sorry nasska, got a bbq running my life lol
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November 17, 2012 7:47pm
nasska

The good: waking up after a night out with your mates to find you’re home safe after a wild night out.

The bad: looking in the mirror to find an erect cock drawn on your face.

The ugly: finding out it was traced.
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November 17, 2012 8:00pm
Griff

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
“Yeah teach?” he replies.
“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.
Matt answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.”
“No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking.” the teacher responds.
“Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”
Matt replies “No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”
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November 17, 2012 8:07pm
nasska

I get the niggling feeling that this reminds me of someone who comments here regularly! 🙂

Ref: http://9gag.com/gag/5496449
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November 17, 2012 8:11pm
Pauleastbay

My wife was screaming at me, Leave! Get out of this house! she ordered.
As I was walking out of the house she yelled “I hope you die a slow and painful death!
So I turned around and replied “oh so now you want me to stay?”
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November 17, 2012 8:16pm
Pauleastbay

This has been up before but me thinks its the best Irish joke I’ve ever heard.

Paddy’s wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy’s wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I’ll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy’s wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say’s “and that my friend is how you wave a fucking towel!”
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November 17, 2012 8:18pm
nasska

Bloody hell…. Never ask Google for medical advice….. I have gone from mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks.
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November 17, 2012 8:20pm
Griff

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks
the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes, I
am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus? “The drunk
replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” The preacher shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again
pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus my
brother?” The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this
time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about
30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God have you
found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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November 17, 2012 8:33pm
bhudson

This for David Garrett if he is about this evening still wondering about Redbaiter’s heroic past and “better work stories”

From thedavincimode…

http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/2011/01/general_debate_16_january_2011.html#comment-785170

thedavincimode (3,907) Says:
January 16th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Meanwhile, across the Pacific, somewhere in the mid West –

Red “Judgement Day’ baiter lept to his feet, the M60 snug against His hip. Almost nonchalantly, He thrust His left foot forward against the dying leftist scum prostrate before Him and braced Himself before squeezing the trigger. The M60 commie killer leapt into life chattering into an ear-splitting crescendo while it spewed a torrent of HOT LEAD at the anti-democracy progressive leftist homo scum hand-wringing themselves towards His position. The ammo belt slid over His lightly greased left forearm. Almost inexplicably it occurred to him that although KY was the first thing He always packed when going away with His boys in case He got into a tight situation, this use wasn’t what He’d originally had in mind.

Almost as suddenly as it had leapt into life, the M60 stopped. The ‘death click’. A hail of angry HOT LEAD immediately descended on him; whining, cursing and spitting at him. “Like those lefty progressive scum on Kiwiblog” He thought. He stood there for a moment longer; defiantly, before ducking to cover. What to do now? “RELOAD”, Sarah’s voice seemed to hiss in his ear.

He turned to His companion for another belt of LEAD DEATH, only to find him cowering in the dirt, jabbering incoherently. “Kris, Kris, of all people” he cursed.

He grimaced and slumped, head in hands. It wasn’t the temple wound. “Hell, it was just a flesh wound” He muttered to Himself. The bullet had gone straight through and exited cleanly out the other side. He knew that as long as he kept a level head there would be no further blood loss. “I get worse headaches reading Kiwiblog” He snorted to himself.

No, it wasn’t the temple wound. It was the realisation, whoops, “realization” He corrected himself, that yet again He was the only One holding the line. “First those soft-cocks from Westboro Baptist didn’t even front at the LZ as promised. Some bullshit about a bring-a-cake fund-raiser. And now Kris”. An almost overwhelming sense of desolation and despair threatened to drown him.

But then he felt it. The sudden warmth emanating from his left breast where He had taped Sarah’s swimsuit photo. “Would She get my letter?” He wondered, thinking of the envelope also taped over His heart and addressed: ‘To Be Opened in the Event of My Glorious Death in a Hail of HOT LEAD Whilst Killing Marxist Scum’. “Would She do the eulogy? What if She had a conflicting appointment at the hairdresser?” “Would She tweet?”

He shook himself back to his senses. “No time for that; you’re carrying on like some progressive homo scum”.

He poised, knowing what awaited him Him but also knowing that He would take a lot more of them with Him. But before He could leap to His feet for the final defiant charge to glory, a familiar voice interrupted Him.

“Russell, for the tenth time your dinner is ready. And its the 16th today and if you haven’t put the rubbish out and done the dishes by nine o’clock, then you can go without it for another month …”
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November 17, 2012 8:34pm
nasska

YOU MAY BE IRISH IF:

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn’t a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you’re strangely poetic after a few beers

* you’re poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason.

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary…and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* “Irish Stew” is the euphemism for “boiled leftovers from the fridge”

* you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency

* you are, or know someone, named “Murph”

* if you don’t know Murph, then you know “Pat”

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room.

Excerpt from ‘Being Irish… Contemplations on the Nature and Meaning of the Irish Race’ by
Joe Keefe Copyright 2002 Andrews McMeel Publishing USA
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November 17, 2012 8:36pm
Viking2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FUCpxeYBv4
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November 17, 2012 8:36pm
Viking2

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.

‘Dad’, he said, ‘this is the 21st century, we don’t waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’

I tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it
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November 17, 2012 8:37pm
Reid

This is important:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/globalbusiness/9676259/US-Conference-Board-fears-Brics-miracle-over-as-world-faces-decade-long-slump.html
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November 17, 2012 8:39pm
Pete George

V2 @ 8.36

What’s that supposed to depict, that going into the conference Shearer thought he had the leadership safely clamped?
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November 17, 2012 8:45pm
Griff

t’s the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
“Jesus, can’t you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?”
So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake….and falls
knee deep in water.

Moses says, “Well….maybe you need a head start or something, why not
go to the end of the dock and try.”

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps off the end of the dock and
falls up to his waist.

Moses says, ” Well why not rent the boat, go out to the center of the
lake and try there.”

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake, Jesus is about
to step off and try again when…

Moses says, “Wait. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state
of mind you were in the first time you did it.”

So Jesus sets down, meditates for a few minutes, and finally he’s all
psyched up, and steps out of the canoe…. ..and precedes to drown.
So Moses does the water parting thing, and pulls Jesus up into the boat.
Jesus is just beating himself up over this. He just doesn’t see what’s
going wrong here. Moses just stares down at the bottom of the boat.
Suddenly, Moses says, “I got it! I know what’s wrong! Did you have those
holes in your feet last time?!?!”
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November 17, 2012 8:46pm
Viking2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPhRiaNW4UQ
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November 17, 2012 8:50pm
nasska

Teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Roland” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie” says the teacher.

“Anyone else?” Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish
voice, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious”……
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November 17, 2012 8:51pm
Griff

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: “What part of the body goes to heaven first?”

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. “Yes, Susan?”

“The heart goes to heaven first because that’s where God’s love lives.”

“Excellent,” said Sister Mary, “and you, Charlotte?”

“The soul, Sister Mary, because that’s the part that lives beyond death.”

“Very good, Charlotte,” said the Sister, as she noticed Billy’s hand still waving in desperation.”

“OK, Billy, what do you think?”

“It’s the feet that go first, Sister, the feet.”

“That’s a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?”

Billy answered, “Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, ‘God, I’m coming, I’m coming!'”
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November 17, 2012 8:53pm
Luc Hansen

V2

What a fucking waste!

Gaza needs those!
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November 17, 2012 9:02pm
nasska

Nine Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under

They start paying everyone in sea shells.
The CEO is now driving a Ford Escort.
Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
When you say, “See you tomorrow,” the security guy laughs uncontrollably.
People saying “Remember folks, we’re not Downsizing, we’re Rightsizing!”
The women are suddenly very friendly with the wanky Human Resources Manager.
The manager walks by your desk and says, “Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!”
The company Xmas Party is moved from the Hilton Auckland to the local McDonalds.
Your CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company.
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November 17, 2012 9:05pm
Reid

I dunno if this series screened in NZ in 1962 but if it didn’t, it should have:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS4grrSWuZo&feature=related
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November 17, 2012 9:12pm
nasska

bhudson

That was one of Davinci’s classics. I kept a file copy of a couple of others I’ll have a look for…..he & Johnboy did a great job of Water Woman once too. 🙂
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November 17, 2012 9:25pm
Viking2

During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling
tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they
were living up there”.

i was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammad.
> Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

“Are you Mohammad?” he asks.

“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammad is higher up.” And he points to a ladder
that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammad should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.

He asks again, “Are you Mohammad?”

“No, I am Moses. Mohammad is higher still.”

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man
with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammad?”

“No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammad higher up.”

Mohammad higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:

“Are you Mohammad?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his climbing.

“No my son…..I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”

“Yes, please, my Lord.”

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
“Hey Mohammad, two coffees !!!!”
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November 17, 2012 9:28pm
Viking2

ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING

If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.

Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.

He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.
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November 17, 2012 9:30pm
Viking2

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her “Only you. All the others kept me awake shagging all night !”

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed…”I wish you a slow and painful death you b***ard!” “Oh” I
replied, “so you want me to f*****g stay now!”

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men’s Olympic 100m final.
I laughed “Over in 9.5 seconds”? “No” she said “Eight black men and a gun”.

Walt Disney’s new film called Jet Black, the non-racist version of Snow White has been put on hold. All 7 dwarfs Smelly, Benefit, Lazy, Giro, Wog, Lips and Nig Nog have refused to sing Hi Ho as they don’t agree with going to work…

Catholic boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned, I had a wank while thinking about my sister.That’s a disgrace said the priest,
especially when you have two gorgeous brothers

I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.?? The “British National Party school of diving” said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
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November 17, 2012 9:31pm
Griff

You may be a monotheist if you think 2 out of three monotheistic faiths are a load of junk.
You may be Catholic if you think all the other priests are perps but your priest is great.
You may be a skeptic if you say, “Your story is compelling, but ultimately irrelevant because it is only anecdotal.”
You may be an atheist if the first thing your religious friends want to talk about is God.
You may be a humanist if you’re an atheist who is afraid of the word atheist.
You may be an atheist if your kids know more about Norse mythology than Judeo-Christian mythology.
You may be a Hindu if you think yoga is strictly a religious practice whose goal is to get you to Never-Never Land.
If you’re a guy who is an atheist and you go to church, it’s probably in order to find women who have impaired judgement
You may be an Orthodox Jew if you think Noah’s Ark is a cutesy story for kids while the Holocaust was an abomination.
You may be religious if your idea of religious freedom is telling other people what the hell to do.
You may be religious if your idea of a miracle is finding your car keys in the morning.
You may be a Catholic if you have no idea what the Catholic Church is really doing.
You may be a Southern Baptist if you don’t know that Southern Baptists became Southern Baptists because they supported slavery.
You may be an atheist if your biggest arguments are with other atheists. (They really should know better.)
You may be a Unitarian Universalist if you don’t have an atheist meetup group close by.
You may be a Mormon if you look at the afterlife as a chance to run your own store in the celestial franchise.
You may be religious if when you say faith it really means bullsh*t.
You may be agnostic if you don’t understand what being an atheist really means.
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November 17, 2012 9:33pm
nasska

Q. How do you address the most powerful Muslim in the world?
A. Mr. President.

Q. Why don’t Muslims have sex standing up?
A: Because they are afraid that people might think they were dancing.

Q. Why should they use Muslims instead of laboratory rats in experiments?
A. Muslims breed faster and you won’t get so attached to them.

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
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November 17, 2012 9:34pm
Luc Hansen

nassska

You made a mistake in your last line. It should read illiberals!
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November 17, 2012 9:38pm
Viking2

http://screencast.com/t/IVPW4Df0sR

And on a current topic.

http://screencast.com/t/rcEl6JuGUW
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November 17, 2012 9:41pm
Viking2

Why 365 days of sex is good for the soul

Read more: http://www.watoday.com.au/national/why-365-days-of-sex-is-good-for-the-soul-20121116-29hgl.html#ixzz2CT35ioFg
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November 17, 2012 9:42pm
nasska

Never mind Luc. Just remember next time to buy Purex extra soft toilet rolls….

….because sperm deserve to die comfortably. 🙂
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November 17, 2012 9:43pm
nasska

V2

Every day for even 101 days would see me in a pine box. The buggers must be out to kill a man ! 🙂
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November 17, 2012 9:47pm
Viking2

A bit of dare devil stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=W3yBvamQVJE&vq=medium
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November 17, 2012 9:51pm
Griff

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $300 an ounce!”
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!”
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November 17, 2012 10:02pm
bhudson

nasska,

That piece by davinci is classic. Red has never seen himself the same since.
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November 17, 2012 10:04pm
Viking2

nasska (5,053) Says:
November 17th, 2012 at 9:47 pm

V2

Every day for even 101 days would see me in a pine box. The buggers must be out to kill a man ! 🙂

ohh naaska. once when I was young! 😆
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November 17, 2012 10:12pm
nasska

bhudson

As I remember he wasn’t overly gracious about Davinci’s efforts either. 🙂
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November 17, 2012 10:12pm
nasska

V2

….”once when I was young!”…..

In my case that happy time was nearly fifty years ago. 🙂
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November 17, 2012 10:14pm
Griff

I once suffered from a girl with a unsatable apatite
Its like one of those mysterious curses
May you have a long and uneventful life except you partner will demand sex twice a day every day
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November 17, 2012 10:25pm
Luc Hansen

nasska

I prefer to let my sperm die a natural death in their rightful place.

Except for that one oops! four years ago that got through.
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November 17, 2012 10:27pm
Luc Hansen

Indeed Griff.

The worst (best?) I had in one of my in-between-marriages times was a lady who would take advantage of my morning wood – while I was asleep!

That’s just not cricket, imho.
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November 17, 2012 10:31pm
Griff

At the 1997 World Women’s conference the first speaker from England stood up:
“At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day i saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing buy my washing as well.”
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from New Zealand stood up:
After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
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November 17, 2012 10:41pm
Redbaiter

Gawd, what a fucking disgrace.

So boring.

Why don’t you just fuck off Nasska, on here all day with your drooling idiot back slapping mates and your half-witted unfunny tired old jokes.

As for TheDavincimoron’s try hard epic, its the work of an obsessive madman. I can’t even raise the interest to read all of it it is so fucking infantile and boring. Maybe you haven’t noticed this you pitiful arse-licking bunch of dromgools, but I’m not writing 1000 word insane epics about you.

What’s to say anyway, a bunch of political incoherent losers who have been continuously shafted by the commies now for decades, and are so fucking black hole dense they still can’t work out why they’re getting deeper in the shit as every year goes by. Even when their look alike cross-eyed rabbit bum buddies in National are in power.

Lifeless wimps and low intellect cowards who have turned GD into a mix of a sewer, a lunatic asylum and something that in terms of simple human interest, rivals watching paint dry or grass grow.

A good flush would do the trick, get rid of all the stinking old turds that have been floating around in here for far too long.
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November 18, 2012 2:54am
David Garrett

Ah good morning Red! Up for an early swim around the island?

You, as an old fella, you will probably remember this … before psychiatry got a bit more refined, and had more labels, they used to say that a sign of insanity was when a person thought everyone around him was mad….. except him…

Just a wee thought…
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November 18, 2012 4:40am
Griff

The more we upset you the more we 😆 Red.
Conservative Christian politics USA style do not go with a modern secular state.
Love the 3 :00 am post
having trouble sleeping?
Best get your shrink to adjust the meds again
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November 18, 2012 7:47am
David Garrett

Griff: I liked the bit where he says that GD is more boring than watching paint dry…and yet here he is, day after day!

I also loved it when he confirmed that he is who we all know he is by confirming – too quickly to have googled it – that he knows what a “toolpusher” is, and what they get paid these days. The first time I have cross examined someone on a blog!!
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November 18, 2012 8:12am
bhudson

David Garrett,

i would hate to think you have missed out on thedavinicmode’s masterpiece on Redbaiter. The epic tale of Red standing against the forces of evil.

if you scroll back to my post at 8:34pm, you will learn more of Red’s “better work stories”
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November 18, 2012 8:23am
David Garrett

bhudson: No I saw it last night…I had an asthma attack from laughing…and I dont have asthma!!

It’s sort of sad that the guy can’t recognise that he is ridiculed from BOTH sides of the ideological divide, and all points in between. I’M a “pinko commie loser cry baby” FFS! I have been called many things, but never that! well, not recently… I was last “a commie” about 35 years ago, and that was mostly just to piss my dad off!
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November 18, 2012 8:40am
bhudson

DG,

He’s a national treasure – a living taonga. Someone who gives so much joy to so many people across the entire political spectrum deserves to be recognized.
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November 18, 2012 8:45am
mikenmild

I for one and determined to find out Redbaiter’s true identity. I wish to tell his Mum to take better care of him. Children should not be posting comments unsupervised at 4.00am.
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November 18, 2012 8:46am
David Garrett

well, I just hope he is getting the help he clearly needs…I sleep very badly too, but I’m “under the doctor” as they used to say in far off simpler times…
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November 18, 2012 8:51am
mikenmild

Nice to hear you have a girlfriend from the medical profession, David
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November 18, 2012 8:59am
David Garrett

Mikey: Very good…but if you are old enough, that was what “oldies” used to say, before I was one….that, and that they were “on tablets”….I suspect Red (who must be in his late 70’s by now) is familiar with these phrases…
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November 18, 2012 9:04am
mikenmild

Red is aged between 11 and 15 and is a very naughty boy who is confused about his sexuality.
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November 18, 2012 9:28am
Redbaiter

For fuck’s sake Garret, you are apparently a far bigger idiot than I ever thought. Everything you say about me is completely wrong, and you have not one iota of reliable basis for any of it, yet you come on here and endlessly propogate it as if you know it as certain fact.

You know what that makes you?

Not only an irresponsible fool casual about truth, but a complete and utter moron without any ability to reason any better than a child.

Fuck knows how you ever get employment as a lawyer, although from what I know of the industry, its apparently quite easy for dipshits to get jobs there. However that you actually made it into our legislative chamber is utterly gobsmacking. What idiots must have prevailed at ACT at that time.

But wait there’s more.

Even more amazing is the fact that as dumb as you are, you were actually one of the better parliamentarians. After observing you so frequently in all your idiotic knuckle dragging gape jawed glory here on Kiwiblog, I wonder just how desperately fucking stupid the rest of them must be.
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November 18, 2012 6:54pm
UglyTruth

@Redbaiter

I disagree about the moron bit, sexual guilt is well practised control pattern. Chatter is that Helen Clark was involved so you might expect some noise from Labour and similarly aligned parties.
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November 18, 2012 7:36pm
nasska

Poor Reddy. 🙂 🙂
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November 18, 2012 8:35pm

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