Young sociopaths

Stuff reports:

Two primary-aged boys ransacked a Christchurch property, causing damage and killing the homeowners’ pet fish. The violent act was preventable, reports SINEAD GILL.

The mother of two young high-needs boys who ransacked a Christchurch property and killed the homeowners’ fish says she has since received threats online and may now lose custody of her children.

The woman, who previously had the community’s sympathy, said she was “devastated” to learn of what her sons did.

The boys decapitated the fish. Cruelty to animals is a warning sign of a lack of empathy that can extend to sociopathy. The status quo is very dangerous for the young boys, and in time the wider community. There needs to be an intervention.

Having survived state care herself, she said she was in “a constant state of fear” of her children being taken away by OT, and anyone who experienced state care would understand.

“There is a lot of abuse and stuff in the homes … especially from some caregivers.

“If my kids aren’t with me, who will protect them?” she said. 

As a girl she was removed from her family, having grown up around substance abuse and gangs, but experienced little kindness in state care.

In some cases she was neglected and abused. She became pregnant to an older man before reaching adulthood and, when she gave birth to her eldest, lost custody within hours due to her own substance abuse and mental health problems.

But she recovered. Four more children later, she is now no different from any other single parent who lacks parenting skills but does their best, according to Bagshaw, who has worked with her since she was 11.

Bagshaw said with no experience of routines, boundaries and overall good parenting, she was set up to fail.

“The kids … throw food and don’t do as they’re told. But they are fed, she baths them every day, they’ve always got clean clothes,” she said.

I have sympathy for the mother. She had a terrible time in state care, and of course doesn’t want her kids in state care. But by her advocate’s own admission she is lacking in parenting skills.

Kids are not born as saints. Having become a parent late in life I have been surprised by how much work goes in to set boundaries for your kids, and install good values in them. You do it 10, 20, 30 times a day sometimes. It is hard work and tiring (and very worthwhile as you see them develop).

The mother, by her own admission, is not skilled in parenting. Yet she has had five children. The most well equipped two parent family could struggle with five children, so a sole parent will find it even harder.

I hope that at some stage long-lasting contraception was offered.

Bagshaw said the only difference between these children and other large families with high-needs kids was that these were watched closely by the state.

There is a difference between being a high-need kid and a kid that decapitates goldfish.

Bagshaw said the woman’s home was chaotic but not unsafe. She believed removing her children wouldn’t fix bad behaviour, only traumatise them further at a cost to the taxpayer.

She may be right, but the status quo is failing badly. It can’t continue.

In cases like this where it seems it is more being a poor parent than a bad parent, I wonder if we should have something like state funded nannies who go into a dysfunctional household for 12 months to help the parents out. It would be expensive – probably cost $150,000 a year or more. But if it stops kids turning into goldfish decapitating sociopaths, it might be worth it.