Whooo-eee – it’s not all flags and mana enhancements in here today, I tell you. I forgot to tell John Key that my ministry was giving Maori TV $3 million to help it get the rights to the Rugby World Cup. All the teko has hit the kowhiuwhiu (fan) now! He’s nearly as angry as he was when I “announced” the government would sign the Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. I sent a staffer to gauge his mood at his weekly press conference. Apparently his eyes were as hard as unpolished pounamu. …
Labour Party MPs and Rodney Hide are kicking it in the guts now. Shane Jones reckons it’s a World Cup for Emissions Trading contra scheme. He thinks the money would be better used helping young Maori. Trevor Mallard thinks it should be used for junkets for people in New Zealand to go to the United Kingdom now and encourage them to come to New Zealand in 2011. I can see what Tau means about him now.
I remember Chris Carter pulled the old “they’re picking on me cos I’m gay” line about his travel costs and decide to try a similar tactic.
Then I remember it didn’t work out so well for him, so I sent out the press release under Te Ururoa’s name accusing everyone of being racist.
Chris rings me to applaud my tactics – he agrees it’s nothing to do with spending millions of dollars of taxpayers’ money and everything to do with institutionalised stereotypes. …
Luckily, Associate Health Minister Tariana Turia has come up with a new spin to help me out. It will be good for obesity because all those people who can’t get Maori TV won’t be sitting on their sofas watching rugby for weeks on end. The National Party’s communications team vetoes the press release – they say it belongs in the Melissa Lee Motorway Crime Prevention Theory file.
Very good.Tags: Claire Trevett, Humour, Pita Sharples, Satire