Whale v Duck tomorrow

August 20th, 2011 at 4:52 pm by David Farrar

David Fisher in HoS:

In a year of mismatched and painful political races, tomorrow’s is likely to be the silliest.

The blogger known as Whaleoil will face off against the “bovver boy” of the Labour Party in a 60-kilometre bicycle race in Auckland’s eastern suburbs.

In a sport often called “chess on wheels”, the bike race between Cameron ‘Whaleoil’ Slater and Trevor ‘Duck’ Mallard will hear little mention of the word “mate'”.

There is mutual loathing.

That’s a little tough. More opponents than enemies.

The contest came after Slater goaded Mallard by calling him “cripple” over his badly broken leg.

The elder statesman of the Labour Party lashed back, calling the comfortably-padded Slater “blubber boy'”.

“I bet he is too chicken,” Mallard said.

Well, he did accept.

It is worth remembering that Trevor did challenge Whale and call him chicken. So Whale had little choice but to accept.

And Slater – known for obsessively hounding issues – has turned his compulsive nature to the race and cycled about 15kg off his frame.

Best thing Labour has ever done for Cameron.

Slater, who Mallard calls an “obsessive character”, is relentless.

“He is a cripple. And he’s running a crippled campaign.'”

Slater has been in training and, as his physical fitness improved, so did his mental health.

Slater had publicly struggled with depression, and credits getting off anti-depressants, good vitamin B levels and a good diet with the improvement.

I should see if Trevor would challenge me to a half marathon – could be just the motivation I need :-)

Otago University zoologist Philip Seddon said whales in the wild would always be faster than ducks.

“Almost whatever kind of whale you thought about,” he says.

Seddon – who runs the university’s Wildlife Management Programme – said smaller whales were faster.

Slater’s time could, perhaps, dictate whether the blogger was truly small and dangerous.

“Maybe he’s an orca… a killer whale,” said Seddon.

I love how they went to a zoologist for a comment!

The race starts at 1.30pm tomorrow, at Musick Point reserve at Auckland’s Buckland Beach.

If you’re up in Auckland go along to view the fun!

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46 Responses to “Whale v Duck tomorrow”

  1. Innocent bystander (163 comments) says:

    Hey here’s a crazy radical idea….maybe Trevor should be out there trying to win the next election rather than wasting his time with this crap.

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  2. Viking2 (11,412 comments) says:

    Well a marathon or two just might remove a little more than Whales 15 KG. Not that I’m saying your tubby mind. Its just the illusion in the photo’s. 8O

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  3. Michael (904 comments) says:

    IPredict should have a stock on this: Slater would be at 80 cents.

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  4. David Farrar (1,889 comments) says:

    Michael: Sadly our Victorian era gaming laws make it illegal for anyone but the TAB to speculate on a sporting match outcome,

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  5. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    “I should see if Trevor would challenge me to a half marathon – could be just the motivation I need :-)”

    Really you should be offering a challenge to Happy Feet! :)

    I seem to remember that IV2 and myself matched your grand with a hundred. (Being poor bastards) ! :)

    Lets have a serious bit of a bet on it for charity? :)

    What say you KiwiBloggers? :)

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  6. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Put your money where your bloody mouths usually are!!!!!!! :):):)

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  7. PaulL (5,965 comments) says:

    The race is a bit stupid – and Mallard is an idiot for issuing the challenge.

    On the upside, I’m really happy for Whale that a bit of exercise is helping him – amazing how many health problems are rectified by getting off the bloody sofa (and, therefore, leaving all those wrong people on the internet to be wrong on their own: http://xkcd.com/386/)

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  8. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Put some fucking cash on it for fucks sake PaulL!!!

    Stop wanking and posing people, it is all for charity!!! :)

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  9. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    If Whaleoil wins I will donate $NZ 100 to the charity of W/O’s choice.

    If Mallard wins, I will donate $NZ 100 to Julian Robertson’s new scheme to improve our public schools … Deborah Hill-Cone covers Sir Julian’s new initiative briefly here: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=10745913

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  10. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Good onya Pharmachick!! :)

    Lets have a few more!

    This blog seems to be full of big noters who talk a lot of shit but don’t have much to say when it come to putting some cash on the table!!!! :)

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  11. Inventory2 (10,290 comments) says:

    My initial bravado over financial backing will be honoured. As with DPF, I will make a donation to the Mental Health Foundation if WO wins; if Mallard wins (God forbid), I will donate to CCS, formerly the Crippled Children’s Society. The local manager is a personal acquaintance, so the money will go locally. I’m picking though that WO’s charity will be the winner on the day.

    Who else is in?

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  12. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Well said IV2. Lets have a few more! :)

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  13. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    Very nice I2, especially in these economic times … are DPF and Cactus still in?

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  14. Nick K (1,228 comments) says:

    …if Mallard wins (God forbid), I will donate to CCS, formerly the Crippled Children’s Society. The local manager is a personal acquaintance, so the money will go locally. I’m picking though that WO’s charity will be the winner on the day.

    As much as I admire Slater for doing this and his much-improved health as a result, I’m afraid to say I think he stands about a as much chance of winning as I do of making the All Blacks this year.

    That’s from someone who has done a lot of cycling.

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  15. nasska (11,277 comments) says:

    Whale win $25 to Mental Health Foundation
    Duck win $25 to CCS

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  16. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Thought you were wealthier than that nasska ! :)

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  17. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    You have a great wealth of jokes though! :)

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  18. Inventory2 (10,290 comments) says:

    @ Nick K; win or lose tomorrow, WO’s already the winner. He’s got Trevor to obsess about a meaningless bike race when he should be managing Labour’s election campaign.

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  19. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    Johnboy,
    can we stop with the emoticons please?
    They’re like rhetorical questions … used occasionally :are effective and interesting… but over-use results in annoyance and ignoring.

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  20. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Come on now Guys and Gals.

    Lets get some serious money on this bike ride. lets have some big money from all you big noters put on this.

    Lord Birkenhead where are you??? :)

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  21. Trevor Mallard (247 comments) says:

    Nick don’t share your confidence. Leg still weak and a further minor incident ten days ago, bad weather and work have meant that I haven’t been on the bike since.

    The fact that whale has lost weight and feels better is a good thing.

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  22. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    “but over-use results in annoyance and ignoring.”

    Pissing people off is my specialty Pharmachick.

    Note I only ever use one.

    I find that doing that pisses people off even faster! :) :)

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  23. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    When is Goofy resigning then Trev? :)

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  24. jaba (2,136 comments) says:

    good tactics Trev

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  25. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    Mr. Mallard,
    the political (or not) reasons for this race pale in comparison for the potential that you and W/O together (yes, I know that is an odd term) can have for charitable funding donations.

    i don’t fully understand the whole history nor current reasoning behind the bike race, but lets take this chance to turn this into a positive thing for NZ … perhaps you have a charity that you’d care to request your “winner’s donations” be given to? And perhaps you can mobilise your supporters to do the same as we’re doing here?

    Cheers

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  26. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Trev, have you been in touch with Brian and Judy yet?? :) (God knows. You seriously need their help). :)

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  27. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    LOL Johnboy, at least you’re funny!

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  28. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    All my sheep think so Pharmachick! :) :)

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  29. James Stephenson (2,152 comments) says:

    Lord Birkenhead where are you???

    Eh? What’s John Aldridge got to do with this?

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  30. dime (9,849 comments) says:

    if whale wins, ill hire me a blond escort

    if mallard wins, ill get me a brunette.

    hows that johnboy? :P

    and whale has already won. trev looks like a bafoon (even more than usual) no matter who wins and whale got healthier.

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  31. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    Instead of blowing all your cash on hookers dime give charity a bit of a thrust! :)

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  32. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    James Stephenson: You’re a man with a bit to say! Most of it good. Make a pledge to charity?

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  33. Johnboy (16,059 comments) says:

    I really did think that FEStering Smith would show up and make a pledge to charity!

    After all he makes most of his income from the taxpayers and it only seems fair he should give a little back.

    Guess there are two kinds of charity, legal aid is one and——–! :)

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  34. Elaycee (4,372 comments) says:

    I’m in Johnboy.

    $100 to a charity of WO’s choice if he wins and $100 to Starship if Mallard prevails. :)

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  35. Manolo (13,571 comments) says:

    Dime, much better the other way around. :-)

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  36. Pharmachick (235 comments) says:

    Rock on Elaycee!

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  37. Daigotsu (454 comments) says:

    So a newspaper actually covered this?

    Good to know that the issues that really matter to struggling New Zealanders are getting the coverage they need.

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  38. Nookin (3,281 comments) says:

    Daigotsu
    Newspapers are wondrous things. Most of them have mastered the knack of covering more than one subject in a single edition. The one I am about to light the fire with has all sorts of stories from a dopey 80 year old lothario who promised a soap star an appartment in New York and is being sued to what is seen as a negative culture in hospital systems. Its even got a whole lot of adverts for stupid things that I dont want and dont need.

    Every now and then they publish a frivolous story about frivolous things like “The day Harry Potter aged about 18 years”. I agree with you. I mean what the fuck is that going to do to help people in Christchurch restore their sewage. And who gives a stuff about whether some US crim’s girlfriend is being indicted for helping him on the run or whether Alex Baldwin is running for the mayoralty? Ban the cartoons. Ban the stupid April 1 stories. They cut down trees for that shit, FFS!

    Why don’t you write to the press council or whatever body maintains the standards of the press nowadays and prescribe what subjects may be written about in the coming weeks. Try not to be too jovial because we want something really gloomy so we all feel miserable and that everything is getting on top of us. Just try to show a bit of light at the end of the tunnell. Try sticking your finger in a pencil sharpener first. I hear that this is a really good way of eliminating frivolity. It’s also a reccommended cure for headache because it takes your mind fof them and that is really good apparently. I find that often, when I have a headache, it goes away if I get distracted so the theory is good. I read that in an article by Alfred E Newman. You won’t have heard of him. Apart from sticking fingers in pencil sharpeners he was more prone to comment on the less serious things in life. He may even be at the bike race. Just the sort of nonsense that he would enjoy.

    Oh, and talking about life, why don’t you get one?

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  39. MT_Tinman (3,130 comments) says:

    As a (admittedly reluctant) taxpayer I already support both the protagonists and won’t be contributing more.

    The best result would be for both to crash and burn but if I must I shall be cheering for the one who works for his money.

    Trev.

    I note the non-worker is able to train for a bike race, publish a blog, write a book but is too sick to support his family.

    I hope Paula is watching.

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  40. krazykiwi (9,186 comments) says:

    Put your money where your bloody mouths usually are!!!!!!!

    Not something dime should consider…. he’d definitely not see his money again ;)

    I’ve raced against Trev. My guess is that he’ll make it look like an equal competition for 20-30kms and then open the throttle to finish a humiliating time ahead of Whale. Offering any form of donation bet on a Whale win just feels stingy and wrong.

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  41. nasska (11,277 comments) says:

    krazykiwi

    I’ve got a feeling that whatever the outcome of the race, dime will still be happy in terms of satisfaction.

    That said, Whale has beaten his depression to be in a position to compete & that would take an incredible strength of purpose to achieve. It is the equivalent of lifting ones self by ones own bootlaces. Duck with the injuries he sustained is not going to have an easy or pain free ride.

    Who gets gold & who gets silver will be interesting but there will be no less determination on show than there would be at an Olympic final.

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  42. Nookin (3,281 comments) says:

    Whatever you think of the politics and priorities of these two, they have fronted and deserve that credit. I, for one, have had a gutsfull of the snide, backstabbing ad hom comments that pervade the current political divide. These two will be out there warts and all. I hope they both have a great day.

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  43. David Farrar (1,889 comments) says:

    I would not underestimate Trevor’s will to win. He could well take morphine to mask the pain, or be on steroids to give him an edge. I wouldn’t even rule out Trevor amputating his leg and turning up with a bionic prosthetic!

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  44. Murray (8,847 comments) says:

    Did Mallared become “The elder statesman of the Labour Party ” before or after he assaulted another MP in our parliament?

    And since hes such a tough rightous dude why did he pussy out of the challenge to boxing match in fovour of his own chosen sport?

    Win or lose, Slater has already kicked Mallards ass.

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  45. gump (1,634 comments) says:

    masala said:

    “That said, Whale has beaten his depression”

    ——-

    I’m sure that Whale’s insurance company will be delighted to hear this…

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  46. Daigotsu (454 comments) says:

    Your right DPF, I wouldn’t put it past Trevor to break the law by taking illegal scum drugs in order to win. Christ, what a cunt.

    [DPF: 20 demerits - the c word not acceptable except in rare circumstances]

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