The Apocalypse

December 14th, 2012 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Michael Dickison at the Herald has a great article on the Apocalypse.

The top 5 scenarios for the end of the world as we know it

1) Aliens

Remember Independence Day? Astrophysicist Craig Kasnov recently announced that three very large, fast-moving objects were approaching Earth. Though largely discounted by others, the SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) researcher Kasnov said the “flying saucers” were tens of kilometres long and would arrive mid-December.

How to prepare: Some say you should head to the French Pyrenees, from where you may be beamed up and rescued.

2) Natural disaster

Supervolcanoes cause mass extinction. The most recent occurred in New Zealand about 26,000 years ago, while a likely site for the next eruption is Yellowstone National Park, in the United States.

How to prepare: Leave the Pacific’s Ring of Fire, preferably for equatorial Africa, where humans survived the last volcanic winter.

3) Nuclear attack

Surviving the initial horror of thermonuclear war is just the beginning. A nuclear winter will follow as debris, smoke and soot block sunlight for weeks or even years, and then there’s radiation sickness, lawlessness and the breakdown of civilisation to worry about.

How to prepare: For a quick end, stand outside as the bombs fall. Otherwise, build an underground bunker with enough supplies, guns, clothing, etc, to survive in the Mad Max-style post-apocalyptic wasteland.

4) The god of war cometh

Bolon Yokte, a Mayan deity, is prophesied to return to Earth in 2012, although key passages on a stone tablet containing the prophesy have eroded away.

The god may cause huge chaos and upheaval – or bestow upon people the energy to take an evolutionary step.

How to prepare: Only human sacrifice can save us now.

5) Salvation

Biblical messianic prophesies suggest a Second Coming of Jesus, possibly including resurrection of the dead. Armageddon is often associated with such an event.

How to prepare: Watch Supernatural from series three onwards. And pray a lot.

The entire article is hilarious.

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39 Responses to “The Apocalypse”

  1. Chthoniid (1,967 comments) says:

    Hmm, the great Permian extinction coincided with the formation of the Siberian traps, where millions of cubic kilometres of ash, gases and particulates were ejected into the atmosphere. There’s also some evidence that this may have released catastrophic levels of methane from within the earth’s crust too. As this is the only mass extinction event to have hammered the invertebrates almost as badly as the vertebrates. The earth retains plenty of tricks to wipe us all out.

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  2. m@tt (535 comments) says:

    The SETI story is a hoax aimed at SETI itself.
    SETI rumours of spaceship untrue

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  3. iMP (2,154 comments) says:

    I enjoy Doomsday Preppers, now quite a big social phenomenon in angst-ridden America. However, there are several realistic threats.

    1) Regional nuclear warfare is inevitable within the next decade, most likely in the M.East; perhaps a dirty bomb in a big American or European city.
    2) Economic collapse is also inevitable; it’s just too fragile and we’re al linked in together like a house of cards.
    3) This will bring social and political collapse in big urban areas (riots and lawlessness).
    4) A pandemic is quite possible; we’ve had some wakeup calls with swine and bird flu. Some scientists believe Black Plague was not bubonic plague, but ebola; and it has never been satisfactorily identified. It could return; there have been new cases recently. What happens if HIV morphs?

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  4. davidp (3,329 comments) says:

    What about Zombies?

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  5. Colville (1,780 comments) says:

    Take the zombie test!

    http://zomboid.com/zombie/

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  6. RRM (8,997 comments) says:

    iMP:

    My layman’s understanding of the HIV virus is that it’s so genetically unstable we’ve already seen all it’s tricks, but because it mutates so rapidly it will take the global infection hundreds of years to run its course. I saw a doco recently saying that by the end of one year’s infection the HIV viruses in a single infected person’s body will have mutated into a greater number of distinct variants, than all of the different strains of (some other serious virus – hepatitis I think) in the entire world.

    Apparently influenza is still the one to fear – even once you allow for the amount of commercial scaremongering (Has YOUR country’s gummint ordered ten MILLION doses of this year’s TAMIFLU yet?) that is the one virus that seems to be capable of rapidly springing up out of nowhere in new, widespread fatal forms e.g. 1918.

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  7. Kea (10,451 comments) says:

    iMP,Flu is globally a big killer, but swine & bird flus killed less people than other strains, without the catchy names. Bird flu was a problem, for birds. Even so, more birds were killed as a preventative measure, than died from the flu. The media beat up over, swine/bird flu, was for the benefit of the people marketing Tamiflu, an unproven treatment that was seldom prescribed before the hysteria due to it being ineffective.

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  8. Lucia Maria (1,996 comments) says:

    5) Salvation

    Biblical messianic prophesies suggest a Second Coming of Jesus, possibly including resurrection of the dead. Armageddon is often associated with such an event.

    How to prepare: Watch Supernatural from series three onwards. And pray a lot.

    What is this, Supernatural, that he talks of?

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  9. Rex Widerstrom (5,129 comments) says:

    What about Vampire hoardes? Can we opt for Vampire hoardes? Being undead seems to be an instant entree to hot girls, perfect skin and a weightloss program that would make Pritkin jealous.

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  10. iMP (2,154 comments) says:

    I think the issue with swine or bird flu is its rapid morphology, which means it can change into a new strain, like the H1N1 variant, and wreck havoc (not Mikey) on humanity like the Spanish Flu did in 1900.

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  11. chiz (1,095 comments) says:

    Supernatural is a TV series. S3 onwards was apparently about the apocalypse and satan.

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  12. lastmanstanding (1,154 comments) says:

    Come the 22nd December a lotta people are gonna have eggie all over their faces. As for me we ( the family) are planning for a very Merry Xmas with 18 due to sit down around the table come lunchtime on the 25th.

    An early Merry Christmas to DPF and all my fellow contributors and to those I have pissed off in 2012 Tough!! you deserved it (only kidding)

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  13. chiz (1,095 comments) says:

    The problem with swine flu is that there are a lot of different versions floating around the animal kingdom and they often recombine with each other, creating new variants.

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  14. Kea (10,451 comments) says:

    chiz, as I understand it, all flu strains change. Anyone of them could become deadly.

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  15. chiz (1,095 comments) says:

    How about the chocopacalypse where the entire world drowns in a flood of warm liquid chocolate?

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  16. mara (641 comments) says:

    I’ll take number 4, the one requiring human sacrifice. How many and more importantly WHO? My list is comprised of lying, thieving politicians, past and present. Hmmmm … shall have to give this a little more thought. Busy, busy, time is running out.

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  17. thedavincimode (6,133 comments) says:

    Wot, like in Tommy?

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  18. mara (641 comments) says:

    “Wot, like in Tommy?” Almost, sort of, except without the complication of physical handicaps.

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  19. liarbors a joke (1,069 comments) says:

    the resurrection of a giant klarkula is of concern…

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  20. mara (641 comments) says:

    “the resurrection of a giant klarkula is of concern …” schurely not; although one of a paranoid persuasion might well take fear from the very suggestion. Being a simple country girl myself, I refer every important decision to my husband. As you do.

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  21. iMP (2,154 comments) says:

    Isn’t Gangnam a viral disease out of Korea? A kind of Asian flu.

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  22. thedavincimode (6,133 comments) says:

    That would be a Klerkacalypse. A complete Klerkastrophe.

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  23. Lucia Maria (1,996 comments) says:

    Thanks, Chiz!

    Personally, I think the best way to prepare for the end of the world is the same as preparing for death – go to Confession! :)

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  24. iMP (2,154 comments) says:

    “Apocalypse”, a few nuggets on this theological terms.

    1. Apocalypse is Greek, means “unveiling” or “revelation” in Engl. and is the original title of the book of Revelation.
    2. Biblically “apocalypse” does not mean the end of the world.
    3. “Armageddon” refers to the valley of Megiddo, just north of Galilee. (Ha’ Meggido).
    4. Biblically this is a valley where the armies of the nations will be gathered together in an epic battle against a revived Israel (1947).
    5. The battle is actually fought around Jerusalem, Megiddo is simply the gathering point.
    6. Annihilation of Israel’s enemies occurs in the Valley of Jehosophat, between Mt of Olives and the Temple Mt, having gathered at Megiddo. Both Old Testament and New Testament passages describe this event in some detail.
    7. Theologically this is for many “the end of the word” as it is when Christ’s Second Coming is predicted.
    8. However, theologically, the earth endures for a further 1000 after this event.
    9. The Maya calendar does not predict the end of the world in a few days time, just a shift into another era.

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  25. eszett (2,272 comments) says:

    Personally, I think the best way to prepare for the end of the world is the same as preparing for death – live life to the fullest.

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  26. Pauleastbay (5,030 comments) says:

    I’m more for the human sacrifice remedy, several here qualify as prime sacrificial fodder

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  27. eszett (2,272 comments) says:

    Pauleastbay (3,006) Says:
    December 14th, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    I’m more for the human sacrifice remedy, several here qualify as prime sacrificial fodder

    Virgins?

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  28. Pauleastbay (5,030 comments) says:

    If Red’s a virgin even better, Milky is definitly so off with his head, Lucia is presumably a born again virgin so shes a starter -at the very least virgins will give extra points

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  29. Chicken Little (793 comments) says:

    I’m a virgin.

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  30. Pauleastbay (5,030 comments) says:

    Thanks Chicken, a couple more volunteers and the world willl be saved.

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  31. TheContrarian (1,043 comments) says:

    Dont forget Gamma Ray bursts

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  32. Rex Widerstrom (5,129 comments) says:

    Ha, speaking of virgins reminds me of one of Sam Hunt’s (I think it was his) better lines. He said he wanted to carry Pat Bartlett about on his shoulders because it would be “virgin on the ridiculous”.

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  33. Longknives (4,051 comments) says:

    I read in the Herald Editorial today that David Bain was innocent. The world has gone mad- I guess this must be the apocalypse arriving!!
    I’ve packed my suitcase and am now waiting for the Hale Bopp comet to swing past and pick me up. Anyone else coming?

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  34. Griff (6,263 comments) says:

    Pauleastbay

    Good idea.

    There are a few other religious people on here who must be purer than driven snow.

    Perhaps they will volunteer to martyr them selfs for a good cause. :grin:

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  35. nasska (9,558 comments) says:

    Griff

    Fifteen minutes & no takers amongst the Bible bashers. Forget volunteering……let’s conscript the buggers! :)

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  36. Lee C (4,516 comments) says:

    6) Give Winston Peters the balance of power.

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  37. ChardonnayGuy (1,024 comments) says:

    I prefer zombie apocalypti, but then I’m fanatically interested in that particular horror subgenre. Zombies are the most realistic form of horror genre staple, as anyone who has encountered New Zealand First voters, or indeed, His Winstonicity, can testify.

    Meanwhile, here’s why the “Mayan apocalypse” “predictions” are a load of conspiracy theorist bullshit: http://www.archaeology.org/1211/features/maya_long_count_calendar_codices.html

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  38. ChardonnayGuy (1,024 comments) says:

    Actually, no, I take it back. At least zombies are capable of pathos. Winston voters are deliberately malicious and evil creatures.

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  39. Rich Prick (1,324 comments) says:

    I think Fem-bots would be a good way to go.

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