A Prime Minister’s Christmas Carol

December 9th, 2013 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

This christmas carol was performed at the Young Nats Christmas Party, and is very funny (if somewhat harsh):

‘Twas the night before Christmas, all through Parliament House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Press releases were sent and all committee papers shifted
In the hope urgency would soon be lifted

National MPs were soldiering on at their workstations
The Labour ones on leave or taking vacations
When down on the Forecourt there arose such a cry
I thought Tana or Richie had just scored a try

I peered out the window and squinted my eye
And caught a glimpse of a huge sleigh flying by
Could that be Winston in the red suit?
He shouldn’t be driving, he’s pissed as a newt!

And as for those reindeer tethered in rows of three?
Not immigrants – of course – but members of the Winston First Party!
Winston slurred “Go, Tracey, Barbara, Andrew, Dennis, go Prosser 
go Asenati – but not you Brendan, you mum-robbing tosser!

Belching smoke, up the steps they hurtled past startled EAs
Drunk Santa, his backbench, all spouting political clichés
The senile old codger was mumbling about immigration
And protectionist trade barriers which would ruin our nation

Winnie’s wine boxes and Asians merge in his conspiracy theory
And like his voters, I find myself growing increasingly weary
But Winston was not to be the night’s only odd apparition
Along came a stranger one, with a far more sinister ambition

I was seeing the ginger-haired ghost of Christmas Past
with a banshee-like Aussie whine, sounding half-arsed
but it was Russell Norman proposing sweeping banking reform
and claiming fracking is making the globe rapidly warm

Joining Russell’s a woman in a $5,000 ensemble
Who despite the flash outfit, still seems a complete womble
It was Metiria Turei banging on about gambling harms
Printing money, marijuana and nationalising all farms

Apart from Metiria, impersonating Winnie Mandela
There was a virtual Commune of Green MPs wallowing in failure
Gareth Hughes as Chief Whip struggles to motivate
While the rest of them – all Vegans – just sit round and flatulate

These green-tinged ghouls want to take us back to 1930
Their policies would see us on horseback, poor, unwashed and dirty
Russell’s fiscally unsound, but still wants the Treasury
Whereas Turei would be happier with something more leisurely

The Greens are not workers, they’re intellectually lazy
And that Catherine Delahunty is just batshit crazy 

And as for Labour, I hear you ask? Is there actually any Opposition?
Well, now you mention it, that is an interesting proposition
They seem to be demoralised, missing, all given up
Maybe with their new leader they realise they’ve been sold a pup

As for their Leader, Mr Cunliffe, he just can’t shut his gob
He’s constantly making proclamations like an overly theatrical snob
And though the election may go down to the wire
As for Cunliffe, despite what he thinks, he’s not the Messiah

But worryingly a dark future may still come to fruition
The devil beast, some call it, or Frankenstein’s Coalition
If Russell, Winnie, Cunners and Harawira
Unite to impose a reign of terror

Luckily an alternative exists to this nightmare vision
One led by John Key, and Kiwis will make the right decision
And next time Cunliffe attacks Paula and Tau for being Westies
John will send Judith Collins round to crush his testes

The moral of this is that in 2014 the country could be on track
Or ruled by the coalition of idiots who want to drag us back
So, if you want a unified government that’s smart, sound and rational
For heaven’s sake go blue and Party Vote National!

I look forward to the video version!

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11 Responses to “A Prime Minister’s Christmas Carol”

  1. Fletch (5,727 comments) says:

    Interesting, but I wish people would stick to a meter when doing poetry (Twas The Night before Christmas has Anapestic Tetrameter). Yes, it rhymes (kind of), but where is the rhythm?

    Sorry, it’s just a thing with me.

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  2. Fisiani (861 comments) says:

    The best part of humour is the truth of the poem
    The author is clever and clearly does know ‘em
    For Winston and Russel and Metiria are certainly mad
    She misses out Hone who clearly is bad.
    The last verse be truth
    For it’s clear to the youth
    That John Key and National are the hope and the dream
    and Cunliffe and co are merely the scream.

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  3. Alan (922 comments) says:

    “mum robbing tosser” ?

    There’s a defamation law suit waiting to happen.

    [DPF: I did consider deleting that line, but I am hoping everyone realises it is humour, and a purported view from Winston, not a fact. For the avoidance of doubt there has been no finding of criminal wrong-doing, but there have been allegations from family members]

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  4. Yoza (1,361 comments) says:

    I’m with Chris Hedges on this one: “My hate is pure.”

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  5. RF (1,141 comments) says:

    Pure gold….

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  6. RRM (8,997 comments) says:

    For some reason, when ever “Young Nats” are mentioned the only image my mind’s eye can form is Pitt The Younger, as depicted in Blackadder III:

    http://application.denofgeek.com/pics/tv/list/tvpol.ba.jpg

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  7. Phil (117 comments) says:

    I agree with Fletch – the meter is all wrong and it loses any semblence of flow.

    @RRM – There is a delightful paragraph from Michael Laws in ‘The Demon Profession’ where he describes the Young Nats of the 1990′s as all looking like clones of each other, in desperate need of blow jobs (or some such similar). When I was a member in the early 00′s it was the same, but the hairstyles were slightly better.

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  8. adamsmith1922 (879 comments) says:

    This must be doing the rounds of National shindigs as I heard it at another ‘bit of a do’ last week

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  9. NK (919 comments) says:

    For heaven’s sake go blue and Party Vote National!

    And still, almost 18 years since the advent of MMP, the Young Nats still don’t understand MMP.

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  10. Matt Bartlett (1 comment) says:

    Hahaha. This is great!

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  11. Francis_X (143 comments) says:

    Derivative. Boring. *yawn*

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