And this one is actually true.
Obama may not have been a great President, but he does perform well at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His jokes manage to be funny, but not nasty. A good mix of self-deprecating humour and humour at other politicians.
Trump can take a joke also. He actually took part in a Comedy Central Roast which is exceptionally brutal.
The Telegraph reports:
John Cleese said he will no longer perform or give talks at university campuses because political correctness has taken over.
The Monty Python star revealed that he has been advised not to perform to students as the fear of offending has expanded so far that any kind of criticism is now seen as “cruel”.
Mr Cleese said it is down to people who cannot control their emotions, so seek to control others, and worries that it could lead to a society like that in the iconic dystopian Orwell Novel.
In a video for The Big Think, he explained: “I’ve been warned recently not to go to university campuses because political correctness has been taken from being a good idea, from ‘let us not be mean particularly to people who are not able to look after themselves very well’, to the point where any kind of criticism of any kind of individual or group can be labelled cruel.
“The whole point about comedy is that all comedy is critical.”
We have a growing group of people who think they have a right not to be offended. All comedy has a degree of offensiveness
From the Illinois Review:
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses,
and, of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Trans-Tasman scribes some possible responses from parties to Pig-gate.
Parliament rose this week for recess, but not without the parties giving their views on the allegations about British Prime Minister David Cameron and his youthful indiscretion with a pig.
National stands by its previous position on the issue, whatever it was, and points out Labour had nine long years to engage in debauched behaviour with animals but failed to do so. Also PM John Key is quite into pigtails.
Labour is setting up a Commission on the Future of Pork which will give it some policy. It has also unearthed official advice saying National ignored official advice on debauched behaviour with animals. MP Phil Twyford is protesting the traditional method of calling pigs, “SooEY!” sounds Chinese.
The Greens are querying the pig’s contribution to climate change, and also whether it could be used to combat child poverty.
The Maori Party is keeping a low profile, as it tends to do these days. There isn’t a Whanau Ora aspect to this, unless there is a chance to use the pig for some sort of koha – and really, they would rather not, considering where it has been.
New Zealand First doesn’t know what to think, as Winston is away right now. But whatever it is they are really really angry about it.
Peter Dunne meanwhile is just really irritable about the whole thing, and is hoping to annoy NZ First about it if he can’t annoy the government this time.
ACT’s David Seymour has a really amusing, accidental double entendre all prepared for the next photo op.
Heh, not bad.
The Washington Post reports:
The police officer had just finished an earnest presentation on counter-extremism before an audience of 200 restless teenagers at an East London high school when a young man of Pakistani origin in a black hoodie took the stage.
“How many of you people are Muslim?” the man barked.
He grinned as nearly every hand went up.
“Guys, we can take over! Sharia law coming soon!” the man cried gleefully. “Allahu Akbar!”
The teens erupted in laughter even before the man had a chance to clarify: “I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I think I scared the white people.”
It’s the kind of knowing humor that has made 29-year-old Humza Arshad an Internet sensation, a hero to Muslim teenagers and perhaps the most potent new weapon in Britain’s arsenal as it wages an increasingly desperate campaign to counter violent Islamist extremism.
At a time when the flow of British Muslims to the war in Syria shows no sign of ebbing, Arshad has positioned himself as the anti-Jihadi John. Like Mohammed Emwazi, the scowling Islamic State executioner, Arshad is a London-raised Muslim from an immigrant family whose face has become instantly recognizable to millions of young Brits through videos uploaded online.
We need more people like this.
But where Emwazi seeks to terrify the world and seduce fresh recruits to join his bloodthirsty crusade, Arshad’s message is precisely the opposite: Laugh at extremism; don’t fall prey to it.
In his “Diary of a Bad Man” series, Arshad plays a wannabe gangster who gets beaten up by girls, peed on by a fox and endlessly ridiculed by his mother. But he also manages to save his cousin from a descent into radicalism, and uses lessons from the Koran to urge others to steer away from violence.
This spring, Arshad has taken his message directly to students through an unusual partnership with Scotland Yard in which the police sponsor him to tell jokes at London-area high schools. The program has been a hit, with schools across the city vying for his time and officials planning to take the program nationwide.
Probably more effective than several dozen community engagement panels.
We all know this verse from Lord of the Rings:
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
A reader has sent in a NZ version, in case the left win:
Three Rings for Internet Mana living a lie, Seven for the Unions with their hearts of stone, Nine for Mortal Business doomed to die, One for the CTU on its dark throne In the Land of Labour where the Unions lie.
One Contract to rule them all, One Contract to find them, One Contract to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Labour where the Unions lie.
I love it.
If you’ve ever wondered what the fuss about Net Neutrality is about, then you can get both informed and very amused by this piece from John Oliver on it.
I love the last few lines especially. From The Meta Picture.
This christmas carol was performed at the Young Nats Christmas Party, and is very funny (if somewhat harsh):
‘Twas the night before Christmas, all through Parliament House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Press releases were sent and all committee papers shifted
In the hope urgency would soon be lifted
National MPs were soldiering on at their workstations
The Labour ones on leave or taking vacations
When down on the Forecourt there arose such a cry
I thought Tana or Richie had just scored a try
I peered out the window and squinted my eye
And caught a glimpse of a huge sleigh flying by
Could that be Winston in the red suit?
He shouldn’t be driving, he’s pissed as a newt!
And as for those reindeer tethered in rows of three?
Not immigrants – of course – but members of the Winston First Party!
Winston slurred “Go, Tracey, Barbara, Andrew, Dennis, go Prosser
go Asenati – but not you Brendan, you mum-robbing tosser!
Belching smoke, up the steps they hurtled past startled EAs
Drunk Santa, his backbench, all spouting political clichés
The senile old codger was mumbling about immigration
And protectionist trade barriers which would ruin our nation
Winnie’s wine boxes and Asians merge in his conspiracy theory
And like his voters, I find myself growing increasingly weary
But Winston was not to be the night’s only odd apparition
Along came a stranger one, with a far more sinister ambition
I was seeing the ginger-haired ghost of Christmas Past
with a banshee-like Aussie whine, sounding half-arsed
but it was Russell Norman proposing sweeping banking reform
and claiming fracking is making the globe rapidly warm
Joining Russell’s a woman in a $5,000 ensemble
Who despite the flash outfit, still seems a complete womble
It was Metiria Turei banging on about gambling harms
Printing money, marijuana and nationalising all farms
Apart from Metiria, impersonating Winnie Mandela
There was a virtual Commune of Green MPs wallowing in failure
Gareth Hughes as Chief Whip struggles to motivate
While the rest of them – all Vegans – just sit round and flatulate
These green-tinged ghouls want to take us back to 1930
Their policies would see us on horseback, poor, unwashed and dirty
Russell’s fiscally unsound, but still wants the Treasury
Whereas Turei would be happier with something more leisurely
The Greens are not workers, they’re intellectually lazy
And that Catherine Delahunty is just batshit crazy
And as for Labour, I hear you ask? Is there actually any Opposition?
Well, now you mention it, that is an interesting proposition
They seem to be demoralised, missing, all given up
Maybe with their new leader they realise they’ve been sold a pup
As for their Leader, Mr Cunliffe, he just can’t shut his gob
He’s constantly making proclamations like an overly theatrical snob
And though the election may go down to the wire
As for Cunliffe, despite what he thinks, he’s not the Messiah
But worryingly a dark future may still come to fruition
The devil beast, some call it, or Frankenstein’s Coalition
If Russell, Winnie, Cunners and Harawira
Unite to impose a reign of terror
Luckily an alternative exists to this nightmare vision
One led by John Key, and Kiwis will make the right decision
And next time Cunliffe attacks Paula and Tau for being Westies
John will send Judith Collins round to crush his testes
The moral of this is that in 2014 the country could be on track
Or ruled by the coalition of idiots who want to drag us back
So, if you want a unified government that’s smart, sound and rational
For heaven’s sake go blue and Party Vote National!
I look forward to the video version!
The Cats that look like David Cunliffe tumblr page is back in action again, with two new entries. This one is superb.
Transtasman on how the parties may have responded to the Seddon earthquakes:
How did our political parties ﬁrst react to the earthquake swarm which hit Wellington on the weekend?
National: John Key says he’s relaxed about it, while Stephen Joyce drafts law forbidding Geonet to broadcast anything about earthquakes which could hurt NZ’s international reputation. Float of shares in 49% of southern alpine fault planned. Cut to EQC funding because “it sends the wrong message.”
Peter Dunne: After weeks of tough bare knuckle negotiations, agrees to support National’s ban on Geonet broadcasting, so long as people write a couple of reports.
Labour: In a sulky huddle debating whether the fault line should have a boy’s name or a girl’s name. In the meantime, David Shearer to issue press release saying the fault line should give him a fair go and stop being so mean.
Greens: Blaming earthquake on John Key, fracking, John Key, gambling, John Key, the Reserve Bank, John Key, John Key and John Key. Oh, also blaming it on negative politics and nasty personal attacks.
ACT: Didn’t see any earthquake. Can’t remember. Denies any earthquakes exist, anywhere, and says anyone who thinks such a bizarre thing could happen came in on a cabbage boat.
NZ First:Winston Peters hints at documents revealing true extent of Govt involvement in earthquakes, suggests he has them: then he hasn’t, but knows they exist; then denies all and blames media. Goes away for a few weeks till media forget and start writing “At least Winston isn’t boring” columns. Rinse and repeat cycle again.
Some nice humour from Trans-Tasman on how party leaders would respond to the recent wintry blast:
Points out NZ experienced similar bouts of cold weather “pretty much every year, actually, under nine years of Labour. And they did NOTHING!” And then confuses winter with autumn.
“This hardworking bloke came up to me in a pub and told me he and his hard working family have done everything they can but they just can’t cope with these hard working winters any more hardworking.”
Calls on the Reserve Bank to get one of those neat “smart, green” new 3-D printers so it can print out some more summer.
“Everyone knows where this weather came from, though few have the courage to say it. This weather comes from China.”
Issues discussion document on obscure tax rule which allows deductibility of small weather related expenses: says it is not actually Government policy yet because there might be some ﬁshhooks IRD haven’t told him about.
Can’t remember any weather, but says if there was any it was donated anonymously.
“Whanau Ora means we can draw on our histories as hunters, gatherers, growers to withstand the winter, and ….hmm. Can we put in a Waitangi claim for some decent thermals?”
Heh, not bad.
This video reminds me of a Xmas lunch many years ago at a cafe on Tinakori Road, and a woman was trying to parallel park her car outside the cafe. She was only marginally more successful that the woman in this video, and it probably didn’t help that she could see our group pissing ourselves with laughter.
However we were not laughing at her directly. One of the girls in teh group went outside to tell her why we were laughing. She told the joke which she had just told to us, which was “Why are women so bad at parallel parking?”. The punchline being “Because men tell them that this is six inches” while holding up two hands just a few cms apart.
As she repeated the joke to the woman, she cracked up laughing also. It still took her several more attempts to par the car though!
Kiwiblog has five double tickets to give away for Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus at the San Francisco Bathhouse on the opening night of Tuesday 7 May. The show starts at 8.30 pm. the show blurb is:
Join Ewen as he regales you with tales about tattoos, motorbikes, beer, fast cars, overseas trips, beer, cholesterol, hearing aids, beer, glasses, prostate checks and beer. Welcome to Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus…
If you would like to attend, comment below and if you are one of the first five, then e-mail me your name and contact phone numbers so tickets can be reserved for you.
I’m attending the same night, and looking forward to it. A big fan of the Comedy Festival.
Charlie Gates at The Press reports:
A satirical website launched just two weeks ago by a Christchurch man has become an instant hit and is already being heralded as “New Zealand’s answer to The Onion”.
Former University of Canterbury student Ben Uffindell set up The Civilian as a sideline project, but its success has turned the website into his day job.
The irreverent, satirical site gets an average of 15,000 page views a day and already has more than 2000 likes on Facebook.
It’s very good. I’ve been enjoying it a lot. Some satire is too laboured or try hard, bbut Ben has got the tone just right, in my opinion.
Definitely worth bookmarking.
A much more fun political party than the one I just blogged on below is the Canadian Rhino Party.
Operating within the tradition of political satire, the Rhinoceros Party’s basic credo, their so-called primal promise, was “a promise to keep none of our promises.” They then promised outlandishly impossible schemes designed to amuse and entertain the voting public.
The party claimed to be the spiritual descendants of Cacareco, a Brazilian rhinoceros who was elected member of São Paulo‘s city council in 1958, and listed Cornelius the First, a rhinoceros from the Granby Zoo, east of Montreal, as its leader. It declared that the rhinoceros was an appropriate symbol for a political party since politicians, by nature, are “thick-skinned, slow-moving, dim-witted, can move fast as hell when in danger, and have large, hairy horns growing out of the middle of their faces.”
I like their abortion policy:
A candidate named Ted “not too” Sharp ran in Flora MacDonald‘s Kingston and the Islands riding with the campaign slogan “Fauna, not flora“, promising to give fauna equal representation. He also took a stand on abortion (promising, if elected, never to have an abortion) and capital punishment: “If it was good enough for my grandfather, then it’s good enough for me.”
And defence policy:
To strengthen Canada’s military, Sharp planned to tow Antarctica north to the Arctic Circle. “Once we have Antarctica, we’ll control all of the world’s cold. If another Cold War starts, we’ll be unbeatable.”
And best of all:
Rather than awarding money as prizes in the lottery, the winners would be appointed to the Canadian Senate.
And kudos to Belgium:
Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros “Hindquarters” in Montreal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this)
The war was due to Tintin having shot a rhinoceros!