Worst business jargon phrases
December 4th, 2008 at 6:45 am by David FarrarSideswipe reports on a survey of the worst business jargon:
1. Thinking outside of the box.
2. Touch base.
3. At the end of the day.
4. Going forward.
5. All of it.
6. Blue sky thinking.
7. Out of the box.
8. Credit crunch.
9. Heads up.
10. Singing from the same hymn sheet.
11. Pro-active.
12. Downsizing.
13. Ducks in a row.
14. Brainstorming.
15. Thought shower.
16. 360-degree thinking.
17. Flag it up.
18. Pushing the envelope.
19. At this moment in time.
20. In the loop.
I am guilty of often using Nos 2, 6, 9, 11, 14 and 20!
December 4th, 2008 at 6:58 am
The one that always gets me is “Sub-optimal”.
Something is either optimal, or it’s not. Sub-optimal implies that there is some half-way point between the two.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:03 am
I wish I had a $1 for every time I’ve heard “going forward”. It’s insidious!
Must say I haven’t heard of “thought shower”. Does that mean if you have a great idea, it could be referred to as a golden thought shower?
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:07 am
> Something is either optimal, or it’s not.
That’s true but in golf you hear that so and so had a sub-par round, meaning less than par. So sub-optimal is simply less than optimal.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Effective immediately, all these phrases are off-limits in company communications to stakeholders in order to better manage expectations with regard to our value proposition.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:45 am
“I hear what you’re saying” is another
And although this is a non-business one, hearing the news media say that someone is “fighting for their life” in hospital really grates. When someone is crictically ill and in an induced coma, the whole purpose is to slow the metabolism down, and to take the fight out of them!
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Hmm, we’re having a marketing meeting today. I might see how many I can use before anyone comments!
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:54 am
When everyone else is thinking outside the box, the thinker in the box is the only original one left.
Not all, but almost all, of these phrases can be attributed directly to the rise of the biggest cancer in the economy – the HR department. The rest belong to marketing graduates who have never made a sale in thier miserable lives.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 7:59 am
“task” as a verb is pretty bad too, as in: “Bert has been tasked to provide the report.”
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 8:30 am
They missed the worst one: This time it’s different.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Or “The world changed forever…” insert scenario.
As if the world would never have changed unless this momentous event (oops, there’s another one) occurred.
Then there’s alaways the good old home grown “historic treaty settlement”. Hang on, did I manage to slip in another one while I wasn’t looking.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Its always amazed me to think that the leaders of industry in this country have such limited communication abilities as to have to constantly resort to the use of this type of stuff.
Even yesterday I watched a TV report of the Fonterra meeting where ‘going forward’ was in every second sentance. Why cant the bums use such simple terms as “in future”.
Theres a new one around – its some thing like SMF – “saleable marketing features” Sounds important but its simply a load of shite. Try to give that a definition.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Never understood what “there are more shots in the locker” or “we are in a purple zone” , ever meant.
ROBUST is the new overworked word.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:02 am
A phrase that people seem to have latched onto and that I hear in TV interviews and the like is “..in terms of..”.
Everyone seems to be saying it today. eg, from the Herald online –
and
I did a search on the Herald website and it turned up about 1000 stories containing the phrase.
Vote:I guess there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s very much in vogue.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:05 am
‘paradigm shift’
‘game changing’
‘dirty cheating lying commie scum’ – oops, that ones has been proved to be true.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:08 am
The latest ‘vogue’ snippet to describe a left field/highly unlikely event is a ‘black swan’ – go on, ask me why.
Use it and impress your lesser schooled management chums.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Jack
“The rest belong to marketing graduates who have never made a sale in their miserable lives”
You are so right, for many years I was forced to attend seminars or “encouraged” to take advice from young arrogant wankers who had never made a sale in their lives, these pricks thought they had the answer to each and every problem.
What made it worse was that they were appointed to their positions by other graduates who also had zero front line experience.
Thankfully those days are behind me now, however I am often contacted by representatives of these pricks who assure me that my business cannot possibly survive without the “constructive input from our experts in the field”, the first (and usually the only) question I ask is “great, tell me how many years experience Mr/Mrs/Ms has in the front line”, 99% of the time the answer is zero.
Having said all that I am not against outside input, indeed I am all for it as outsiders can often see things that you miss however I do not let these “experts” into my business unless they have experience on the front line or have successfully managed a similar business of their own, an experienced persons insights or opinions are often worth the considerable sums of money they charge where as the test book marketing graduates suggestions are not worth one cent.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I have a mate who worked at a place where they had a 360 degree review. He described it as more like “trying to disappear up your own arse”
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:23 am
big bruv – a consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you the time and sends you an invoice for his effort.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:26 am
nice one Jack.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Was told by a CEO of a well known plc in NZ that the company ran Ultra Professional 360 Appraisals.
He in particular held high level 360 reviews of his EXec team.
My complaint was about one of his fav. GM’s.
The share price is now at a decade low, and both the wankers have gone!!
This individual had NEVER held a full P&L responsible position. NEVER worked in an organisation with Commercial Competition before!
Thought he was chocolate and everyone wanted a lick!
Frankly was a Labour Golden Balls.
They don’t like it up em!
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:33 am
They are all experts!!
EX is a has been!
SPURT is a drip under pressure.
Re my previous story. To the CEO concerned. Yes, I think you are a useless twat. As was your effin useless GM who lost the shareholders $10+ and still counting.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Even martin Crowe (remember him?) is sticking it to the consultants.
“Former NZ captain Martin Crowe has criticised the New Zealand cricket team’s use of leadership consultants, blaming them for the side’s form slump and calling their methods damaging.
In a radio interview on Wednesday, Crowe said methods used by a consulting firm employed for the last two years by outgoing coach John Bracewell had damaged players’ confidence.
New Zealand slumped to eighth place on the world Test rankings after their two Test losses to Australia and Crowe believed the consultants’ methods had impaired teamwork, form and confidence.
“In the dressing room there is a bunch of consultants … handing out forms at the end of each day’s play,” Crowe said.
“They don’t know anything about cricket, by the way, but they are asking players to fill in forms assessing each other’s behaviour and then have a peer assessment.
http://news.theage.com.au/sport/crowe-slams-nz-teams-consultants-20081204-6quv.html
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Pity the poor foreigner trying to learn English. They hear these phrases but have no idea what the other person is talking about.They are the bane of such people as UN translators who can’t translate them into anything meaningful in another language at least not at the pace of the speech. I think they are a lazy way of speaking. They were probably colourful sayings at first but are now just hackneyed.
Pull your verbal socks up David and try some original phrases.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Try some of these on for size… personal favourites 3,5,8,14,30. I removed #6 (don’t panic) it was a bit crass.
51 things you would love to say out loud at work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
Vote:2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a sh*t.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute – I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren’t you a black hole of need?
42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth.
46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. Don’t believe everything you think.
51. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Last year I decided to attend a conference, I considered the relative value of this conference before and came to the conclusion that it was more than likely a waste of time but I went anyway as it meant a couple of days away at a venue in close proximity to one of the best fishing spots in the country.
The original plan was to attend the one day conference and spend that evening and the following day fishing, as it turned out I had two full days of excellent fishing.
The conferences opening address was good, it was delivered by a chap who had many years first hand experience and spoke in a language that all could understand however it was all down hill from there, the next speaker (and the “facilitator” for the rest of the day) insisted on using management “wank speak” over and over again, after an hour of this bullshit I had had enough.
At the morning coffee break I asked the young female facilitator very nicely if she could please use plain English and stop using phrases such as “going forward” and “blue sky thinking” as it was detracting from whatever message she was trying to get across, unbelievably she told me that I needed to make a “paradigm shift” and that “new age thinking” was the norm, in her opinion the use of modern management speak allowed people to ‘socialize ideas in a liberating way”.
Anyway, I thought a bit about this and decided that I would give it one more crack after the morning coffee break, I was sure that she had heard what I had to say and that hopefully she might be able to speak in a style that we could understand, sadly that was not the case, we had only been back into it for less than ten minutes when I decided that I would be better to spend my time fishing, I calmly stood, packed my briefcase and walked out, I was told later that two others at the conference did not return after lunch.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:09 am
> Pity the poor foreigner trying to learn English. They hear these phrases but have no idea what the other person is talking about.
Reminds me of the time I was at university and the lecturer said something was “hunky dory”. An Asian guy raises his hand and says “how you spell that, ‘hunky dory’?”
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Bruv, pick up the name tag, notes and free pen and leave.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I would like to nominate “Systematic Failure”.
Systematic failure is a term uttered in all areas of management, be they commercial or political or military, generally in a pathetic (but often successful) attempt to dodge responsibility. Instead of blaming any particular party, the “system” within which the party opperates is blamed. Such an excuse would perhaps hold some validity if the agents administering and operating the system were mindless robots, however this is clearly not the case. Each manager, worker etc is capable of free thought and should be able to figure out if some aspect of the system is not working appropriately. Even if the system really is at fault, then those who put the flawed system in place, and those managed the flawed system and did nothing to fix it must be held accountable.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:48 am
In the short term we will consider the medium to long term implications to not doing so. Going forward this may prove the only solution to projected thinking which according to the consensus is the only appropriate course of action.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Pick your Brains
Ugggggghhhhhh – horrible mental picture
Are you a Manager or a Zombie?
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 10:59 am
“step change”
A favourite of John Key’s, but I have no idea what it means.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 11:03 am
> I would like to nominate “Systematic Failure”.
I’m sure that would be bad, but from your description what you actually mean is “Systemic Failure”.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Two of my most hated phrases/words: Sustainable, Carbon Neutral and Green Initiatives. Used to come up in our board meetings and made me think “anally retentive” and “stultifying”. Guilty – used “a go forward” yesterday. Ngaruna – LOVED your list! I’ve printed it out and might laminate it. Oh – and no I didn’t vote Green this year.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
In terms of buzzwords, I love granularity – 10 points if you can slip that in a meeting this arvo.
Paradigm shift makes me laugh – most buzzwords reduce the number of words required to explain a concept (albeit leading to greater confusion). Why people don’t say change instead of paradigm shift beats me.
The other goodies are leverage, business-aligned, and anything with green in it (eg green IT). Better stop as I’ve almost given away my strategic plan
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“With Respect”, and “That’s a non-issue” are entirely contrary and oxymorons
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Best practice is to avoide cliches if you want to be best-of-breed
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Duxton Says:
“Something is either optimal, or it’s not. Sub-optimal implies that there is some half-way point between the two.”
Actually Duxton, “sub-optimal” is the correct term to use in the case of mishaps in the public health sector. For example, if a patient dies as a direct consequence of a series of spectacular fuckups and a degree of negligence that defies belief, then, and as we have seen recently, the standard of care may be appropriately described by the health provider’s PR spinmeister as “sub-optimal”.
Some have incorrectly nominated “systemic failure” as business jargon. This phrase is in fact specific to the public sector. It is employed in a situation where, once again, their has been a spectacular fuckup and it is necessary to defect blame. So, for example, where a prisoner is incorrectly released from custody as a consequence of the intervention of someone having an IQ of a damp brick, then this constitutes “systemic failure”. Similarly, if a surgeon were to amputate the wrong leg, this also constitutes a “systemic failure” in that the correct leg was not identified (although given the health context, the term “sub-optimal” could also be employed to describe the standard of care). The critical element is the avoidance of blame at all costs. Note it is mandatory that whenever employing such terminology, the phrase “procedural review” is also employed. In extreme cases involving the most publically spectacular fuckups, apportioning blame might be unavoidable. In such cases, the additional phrase “we shall be providing counselling” is employed to give the (completely false) impression that someone gives a stuff about what has happened other than by virtue of self-interest in retaining employment.
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I hope you’ve all played a game of Marketing bingo!
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I’m in a group called Plain English Power. Our goal is to stamp out gobbledygook in government communications and elsewhere. If you’d like to add your name to the list of supporters (it’s free), please go to:
http://www.plainenglish.org.nz/people.php
As for the above list, surely ‘going forward’ should be number 1.
big bruv: I remember going to an advertising conference in New York where one of the speakers was the CEO of the then-largest agency in the world.
He chose as his speech topic ‘Abruption is the interruption of expectation.’
All the Americans dutifully took notes. They hung on his every overblown word.
The Kiwis, to our enormous credit I thought, responded to this pomposity by collapsing with hysterical laughter. We worked out that what he was trying to say was, “It’s good to surprise people in your ads.”
After a couple of days of similar garbage, I did what you did big bruv: “went fishing” round the streets.
There the language was refreshingly blunt. I remember two signs: ‘Littering is selfish, so don’t do it.’ and ‘Fight gridlock. Don’t block the box.’
Vote:December 4th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I’d like to see more reaction against “Yeah nah” myself…
Vote:December 5th, 2008 at 6:09 am
You’ve got to love the Australians and their warped sense of humour. I was working in Sydney and there was a guy that they had nicknamed “twilight”. It was because he always used the phrase “at the end of the day”.
Vote:December 16th, 2009 at 8:08 am
what about “wrap my brain around it” it was difficult for me to type the words.
Vote:December 16th, 2009 at 8:15 am
and I’ve noticed on all news and business tv shows everyone answering a question will preface their answer by first saying “look”….. then they make their statement. once you realize this, it will drive you nuts!!!!!!
Vote: