Complaint Letter of the Year

January 2nd, 2014 at 7:18 am by David Farrar

Rich Wisken writes to over a recent flight:

Dear Jetstar,

Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him. …

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe”. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only” rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

If there were vacant seats, appalling that they didn’t move him.

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22 Responses to “Complaint Letter of the Year”

  1. igm (857 comments) says:

    Reading the first sentences I though you must be referring to Dotcom, who is once again the Fairfax poster boy. Are we going to be subjected to this obese criminal being paraded as a hero by this irresponsible media outlet for another year. Why is he not put on a US Globemaster and flown to hell out of this country and returned to the US? How anyone so crass can get into another country, interfere in their political system, and get continuous support from political parties such as Labour/Greens shows the left for the refuse they are!

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  2. Akaroa (487 comments) says:

    Hi igm at 7.30 am.

    To coin a phrase, “You got that right, pal!”

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  3. safesally (36 comments) says:

    Excellent letter and I totally agree with igm (first comment) That fat fuck Dot Dick-
    Hhead should be exported along with other animal carcasses.
    This is NOT his country to be toyed with.

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  4. peterwn (2,933 comments) says:

    There are three options with Kim Dotcom. These assume that he would not have been granted residency if his background was known at application time.
    1. ‘Render’ him to USA either by putting him on a Globemaster or deporting him to Germany via LAX (with a refundable ticket for the LAX to Munich or Frankfurt leg). For John Key this would be political suicide.
    2. Deport him to Germany via Asia. Kim would no doubt prefer this as the least evil, but it would make Uncle Sam hopping mad. No more Hawaii holidays for the Key family.
    3. Just grin and bear it as the extradition application wends its way through the courts. It is unlikely to sort itself by the next election as it will end up in the Supreme Court one way or the other.

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  5. Nostalgia-NZ (4,685 comments) says:

    Nice letter, could have been a page of thoughts from a J D Salinger character. Had the writer thought that his letter might have been turned into a plea against over weight folk not having shelter in the Law, like paying money to support politicians in their election bids before they become the victim of amnesia, we might have got a finish where the police surrounded the fat guy at the airport and arrest him for not paying his fare, throwing him prison and stealing all his moro bars to give to their allies in a foreign secret service. Nah, that would never happen.

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  6. duggledog (1,107 comments) says:

    “Why is he not put on a US Globemaster”

    Even the Globemaster has its limits igm.

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  7. Bob (442 comments) says:

    Fortunately I have not had this problem. One might be able to put up with it on the comparatively short flight to or from Australia. How could you put up with it from here to England? As I am getting on and have arthritis and aching legs if held in one position for too long I like to have an aisle seat. That way I can get up and stretch without disturbing anyone else. With obesity increasing it might be necessary for airlines to provide some wider seats for fat people and charge them extra. After all they use more aviation fuel than I do.

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  8. Mobile Michael (364 comments) says:

    If you can’t fit into one seat then you should buy two. At least then you’ll be able to have two meals ;-)

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  9. Pauleastbay (5,030 comments) says:

    Bob

    Correct why anyone would want a window seat if they are over 12 years old is beyond me

    and flying Jetstar- you get what you pay for and that’s generally some other cheap bastard sitting beside you- jetstar for emergencies only if there are no buses running.

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  10. jcuk (505 comments) says:

    I encountered a similar situation flying I think Qantas …. Auckland to LAX and the plane had come from Aussie with a pair of overflowing males either side of me at the back of the aircraft. Being a meek and mild sort of person I merely kept my arm between my legs, ignored the elastic stocking I was given and survived …. vowing to never fly Qantas again, like United for other reasons …. but ANZ was incredibly tight with quite ordinary people …. OH! the luxury of the flights by Frontier between SFO and DEN …lovely paintings on their tails too :-)

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  11. OneTrack (1,960 comments) says:

    “Just grin and bear it as the extradition application wends its way through the courts”

    Is there any practical reason why extradition takes so long in New Zealand? Or is this just a symptom of how broken the system this? Or is this activist judges slowing the process to a crawl in the hope that kiwis get more fireworks displays and icecreams (not to leave out “sticking it to the man”).

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  12. ross69 (3,637 comments) says:

    Wow that is one mightily impressive moan. Probably voted for Tony Abbott.

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  13. thePeoplesFlag (101 comments) says:

    hah, my girlfriend used to work for Jetstar, Rich Wisken sounds like the sort of entitled and combative dickhead they had to deal with all the time. Definitely an Abbot voter, probably wishes he lived in Queensland.

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  14. duggledog (1,107 comments) says:

    One track – “Is there any practical reason why extradition takes so long in New Zealand?”

    Why do you think the fat slug is here in the first place?

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  15. flash2846 (132 comments) says:

    Kim-Dot-Balloon! :)

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  16. Shazzadude (467 comments) says:

    You get what you deserve when you choose to fly with Jetstar.

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  17. gander (80 comments) says:

    Rich Wisken’s letter may be funny but it doesn’t ring entirely true.

    Even Jetstar flight crew would know not to allow a morbidly obese person to occupy an exit row seat (or seats).

    What I can’t fathom is how Kim Dotcom got dragged into the discussion.

    Rich Wisken writes about a flight on 2 December from Perth to Sydney. So fugitive Dotcom has been visiting Australia? And flying Jetstar?

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  18. safesally (36 comments) says:

    flash2846 says:

    Kim-Dot-Balloon! :)

    That is sooo… funny. Thanks for the laugh :)

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  19. Manolo (12,622 comments) says:

    Forget about the hassle and mingling with the uncouth. Travel business class and enjoy the flight.

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  20. Duxton (544 comments) says:

    “Fortunately I have not had this problem. ”

    I have. I dealt with it by launching a pre-emptive strike against the fat women to my right, making my comments loud enough for everyone within three rows to hear, and suitably embarrassing but not so much as to be offensive. eg, “you’re not planning on eating, are you?’; ‘is that your shirt hanging out and flowing over onto my seat?’; ‘would you like me to move the cabin luggage across to the other side, to maintain the centre of gravity?’, ‘which shuttle company brought you to the airport? DHL?’; etc.

    I was moved to Business Class (albeit seat only) by a highly amused hostess.

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  21. Duxton (544 comments) says:

    Sorry, I meant ‘woman’. There was only one of her…..

    Actually, one and a half :-)

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  22. Warren Murray (238 comments) says:

    Dont agree with thePeoplesFlag, he registered his concern with the attendants, even offered a solution to his problem, was poorly served and holds them to account. the only thing he could have done differently would have been to point out the crew’s seats appeared to be used by non crew. (OTHO they could have been staff in mufti).

    Jetstar is a lottery.

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