Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Squeaky Lino

July 14th, 2014 at 10:00 am by Kokila Patel

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Caption Contest

July 8th, 2014 at 2:21 pm by David Farrar

The Three Amigos

 

Don’t they look happy! Captions below – as always funny, not nasty, please.

 

 

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Trans-Tasman has the draft manifestos

June 30th, 2014 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

Trans-Tasman has been leaked copies of the draft 2014 manifestos.

TransTasman has obtained draft manifestos of most of the country’s political parties for Election 2014

National’s is all glossy photos o f John Key, with his most common comment at media briefings, “I wouldn’t want to go into details” emblazoned in Royal Blue.

Labour’s is much larger: “All Our Yesterdays” is a reproduction of Norman Kirk’s much thumbed “little red book” and an even more frequently thumbed copy of Nicky Hager’s “The Hollow Men,” with an inspirational photo of David Cunliffe wearing a miner’s helmet and a sugarbag, gazing into the future and holding a glass of pinot noir.

The Greens have some very serious stuff about eradicating child poverty for Maui dolphins and an intergalactic committee of experts for the eradication of climate change. The Greens have decided the way to stop people thinking they are wacky is to be very boring. They may have over corrected a bit.

We haven’t got anything yet on Peter Dunne, but early intelligence suggests a sort of reverse version of the Greens’ strategy.

Hailing a return to the days of Dick Seddon, NZ First leader Winston Peters is to announce a poll tax for Chinese immigrants.

ACT’s is Jamie Whyte’s written sequel to John Locke’s ‘Two Treatises on Government.’ In keeping with ACT’s philosophy, it is called Half a Treatise on Government.

Not a lot from the Mana-Internet Party yet: policy work thus far consists of a hurried email suggesting grabbing Kim Dotcom’s copy of Adolf Hitler’s Mein Kampf; getting hold of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital, and “stick the best bits together.”

Heh, not bad,

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Two new magazine covers

June 28th, 2014 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

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kimdc1

 

Circulating by e-mail.

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Caption Contest

June 27th, 2014 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

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Photo by Scott Hammond/Fairfax.

Enter your captions below. As always they should be funny, not nasty.

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labour08.co.nz

June 26th, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

Stuff reports:

From John Key’s Facebook page to the Official Monster Raving Loony Party and a video of a laser-chasing kitty cat – the man behind Sue Moroney’s billboard prank is offering a moving feast of political larrikinism.

This has been hilarious – the latest redirect is to The Civilian,

Last week, Moroney erected an election sign in the Hamilton West electorate with an expired domain name obscured under masking tape.

The masking tape was removed, revealing an obsolete campaign web address from 2008. Someone notified West Auckland IT guy Frank Collingwood, who registered it and began his shenanigans.

“It’s their own fault for putting up a billboard with an expired domain name, which can be registered by anyone,” Collingwood said in an email.

Collingwood was last in Hamilton more than a decade ago and was not affiliated with any political party in New Zealand, but said the claim the prime minister was behind it was “quite frankly, ridiculous”.

Moroney was silly enough to use some old hoardings, and she is blaming the PM for this guy having a sense of humour.

He said the link to Key’s Facebook page was “one in a long list of possible redirections” which had gone from the moggy videos to McGillicuddy Serious Party archives posted on Youtube.

The Monster Raving Loony Party was established in England in 1983 by musician David Sutch, better known as Screaming Lord Sutch, who Collingwood said was an “absolute legend” and “superb role model” for politicians.

“I really don’t even want any publicity, just seemed a good prank at a time when pollies across the spectrum are taking themselves far too seriously,” he said.

I wonder how many other Labour hoardings have the old URL on them, plastered over? One good reasons to not have a different site for every election.

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Fairfax quotes its own satire as fact

June 26th, 2014 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

Stuff-on-Cunliffe-on-Liu-via-Braunias

Heh, somehow Fairfax used an extract from a Steve Braunias satire column as a caption for a story on David Cunliffe.

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Rik Mayall arguing against AV

June 26th, 2014 at 7:00 am by David Farrar

Rik Mayall as Alan B’stard lauds the virtues of the Alternate Voting system, for the No to AV campaign a couple of years ago. This follows on from his characters’comment that the beauty of proportional voting is that even if they don’t vote for you, you’ll probably still get in.

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Dogs prefer work over welfare also!

June 24th, 2014 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

The Daily Mail reports:

In humans the ‘eureka moment’ is a commonly known feeling that occurs when we solve a particularly troubling problem.

But new research suggests that we’re not the only animals to experience this – dogs, too, gain pleasure from solving a tricky task.

In a series of experiments, scientists found dogs were happier when they earned a reward by performing a task, rather than just being handed a treat.

Those dogs won’t be Labour voters then! :-)

The experimental dogs were only given access to the treat on the ramp when they successfully manipulated the three pieces of equipment they had been trained to use.

The control dogs, meanwhile, were given access to the reward when the puzzles were solved by their partner in the other arena, irrespective of how they used the equipment.

The dogs in the pairs were then tasked with performing the same run several times, and also played both roles of experimental and control dog.

The researchers found the experimental dogs were much more excited to actually get in the arena and solve the pieces of equipment.

On repeated runs they showed visible excitement, such as wagging their tails vigorously, at being led to the entrance to solve the problems again.

The control dogs, on the other hand, were more reluctant to go in and pick up their treat without having to solve any of the ‘puzzles’.

This, according to the researchers, shows that dogs enjoy problem-solving just like humans do.

Good doggy.

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The secret diary of David Cunliffe

June 22nd, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

Steve Braunias in fine form:

MONDAY

I want to make it perfectly clear that I have never had any dealings with Donghua Liu.

I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him. If I did fall over him, I’d help him to his feet, and say to him, “How do you do? I’m David Cunliffe, the leader of the New Zealand Labour Party. You look familiar. Are you Chinese?” …

TUESDAY

I want to make it perfectly clear that my dealings with Donghua Liu were a long time ago. It was before email. It was before the fax machine. Remember the fax machine? The paper always ran out, and it made that horrible shrieking noise whenever you dialled a number. I’m passionate about noise pollution and I’ll go on record now and say that a Labour Government won’t tolerate a return to the fax machine.

The letter I wrote to immigration officials on Mr Liu’s behalf in 2003 has nothing in common with the letter Maurice Williamson wrote to police on Mr Liu’s behalf. Maurice Williamson was interfering. I was merely putting in a good word for a guy who always had a friendly, open smile.

He’d wave out whenever I saw him, and I’d say, “How’s it, Mr Liu?” And he’d say, “Mate, call me Dong.”

The Dong I knew had an insatiable appetite for New Zealand literature. He wanted Helen Clark’s biography so badly that he paid $15,000 for it.

So on the mark.

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Steve Braunias’ World Cup Diary

June 20th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Metro is running a compilation of thoughts on the Football World Cup. Day 7 includes me:

I’m backing Germany to win the World Cup. It’s only fair as they get so grumpy having to work hard, paying tax, to fund the lazy Greeks and Spanish, so winning the World Cup would cheer them up a lot.

Of course a cheerful German is still much more grumpy than a pissed-off Kiwi, but just like poverty, it’s all relative.

I’m hoping Sami Khedira will score the winning goal for Germany in the final, as it will lead to celebrations throughout the Muslim world, and stop the civil war in Iraq.

Also it would means lots of close-ups of Lena Gercke, who is one of the smarter wags.

Also Martyn Bradbury:

Who d’you think will win the World Cup?

My brain says Brazil, my heart screams Tyrion Lannister.

Seen any heroes or villains so far?

Why are the commentary team on TVNZ so obvious and dull in their commentary?

Is football a socialist paradigm, a worker’s collective, or a capitalist model, which rewards individual excellence?

It’s an opiate for the masses that distracts them from solidarity against hegemonic power structures ruled over by a corrupt sports bureaucracy who make drug cartels look civic-minded.

For once I agree with Martyn.

And the Ruminator:

Who d’you think will win the World Cup?

Germany is looking pretty good.

Have you seen any heroes or villains ?

Wayne Rooney is an ugly bloke, isn’t he.

Is football a socialist paradigm, a worker’s collective, or a capitalist model, which rewards individual excellence?

Football is the perfect capitalist model. In theory, every team could win it, couldn’t they? Oh my god! Costa Rica beat Uruguay! Goodness! Costa Rica could go all the way!

That’s football giving false hope to the proletariat. Give them a slice of glory and watch them gobble it up and be satisfied.

But then by the end of the tournament, the elites (Brazil, Germany, France, Italy, Argentina) will rise to the top and take it away. Because screw the poor. Screw them. It’s as if Milton Friedman designed the tournament.

It would be far better if Milton had designed it.

And Whale:

Is there a World Cup on? Football? I’m too busy playing a combination of House of Cards and Game of Thrones in the truly best game there is on this planet…politics.

Politics is a fun blood sport!

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The Game of Thrones cycle

June 15th, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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So true.

From Buzzfeed.

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Joyce rated more valuable than Cunliffe

June 9th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

The Wellington Chamber of Commerce has two events on the 18th of June.

They have a breakfast with David Cunliffe for $45.

Then a lunch with Steven Joyce for $55.

Now they price these events based on what they think people will pay (Hence why lunch with PM with Trans-Tasman Council was $500 or so, and $85 at the Chamber).

This shows that Steven Joyce is rated more valuable than David Cunliffe!

 

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John Oliver on Net Neutrality

June 8th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

If you’ve ever wondered what the fuss about Net Neutrality is about, then you can get both informed and very amused by this piece from John Oliver on it.

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New Ziland Labours Weekly

June 4th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

womanweek

 

Sent in by a reader.

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The new blockbuster

June 3rd, 2014 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

dr no

 

Given to me by a former Maori Party staffer. Not bad.

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Caption Contest

June 2nd, 2014 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

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From Gareth Hughes on Facebook.

Captions below. As always, funny not nasty.

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Tweet of the Day

May 30th, 2014 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Superb.

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Caption Contest

May 30th, 2014 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

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From DC’s Twitter account. As always go for funny, not nasty.

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More spurious correlations:

May 28th, 2014 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

From the BBC:

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I await public health campaigners declaring NZ must be margarine free by 2025.

agemissam

It is obviously vital that younger contestants win.

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The Civilian Party offending the humourless

May 27th, 2014 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Ben Uffindel from The Civilian Party was on both The Nation and Q+A at the weekend.

Have a look at the comments on the TV3 story. Some extracts:

Why is TV3 spending money on this arrogant and deluded young man? Frightening and not even good entertainment. I doubt that Colin Craig would be interested in a friendship lest a coalition.

Its all good when its a bit of a laugh, but when the foreign media that are non English speaking get a hold of this sort of thing they completely run wild with it telling the world that there is a nut job politician that wants to hand out icecream and llamas in NZ.

That would be hilarious if they reported the llamas plan!

The lack of humour isn’t only there. Over on The Daily Blog, Frank Macskasy complains:

The one word that came to mind as I watched the episode was: revulsion. Not revulsion at the fact that our once proud egalitarian nation is now one of the most unequal on the face of this planet – but revulsion at the injection of humour in interviews; panel discussion, and levity between the hosts, Lisa Owen and Patrick Gower. …

I am not even referring to Patrick Gower “interviewing” Ben Uffindell, editor of the satirical blogsite, The Citizen. Though one certainly has to question why this segment was deemed worthy of insertion? What was the point of suggesting that children living in poverty – many of whom go to school without food (or  are given “food” that is of dubious nutritional value); no shoes; no rain coats; or lacking other items which Middle Class families take for granted – would find it funny to be given ice cream or a South American animal? 

Oh I so love the humourless ones.

The segment on Q+A yesterday was hilarious. My highlight was how they had resolved to overturn their previous decision not to let Don Brash join the party – but only if he pledged not to launch a coup within 24 hours of joining.

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Caption Contest

May 23rd, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

paula

Photo sent in by a reader. Have fun below with your captions. As always they should be funny, not nasty.

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The Civilian Party

May 21st, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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The first billboard of The Civilian Party. Love it. Some extracts:

We believe that New Zealand is the greatest country in Australasia, with the possible exception of Australia.

New Zealand is a place where dreams come true, particularly if those dreams are about drinking heavily.

New Zealand has a long record of great accomplishments. We’ve done so many things we can be proud of. We climbed a big mountain. We said no to new forms of energy because we were scared. We got bombed by France. We had a nationwide argument about whether to actively oppose segregation or watch a game of rugby. We gave women the vote. We went to war and lost a significant portion of our population. We crashed a plane in Antarctica. We had a Prime Minister who called an election while drunk.

Heh.

But six years on, John Key has failed us.

The economy is performing well in some aspects, but poorly in others, the gap between rich and poor is growing faster than ever; earthquakes, hurricanes and floods have killed thousands*, and frozen L&P is a limited-time offer at best.
(*In other places)

To add to this, unemployment is high, innocent synthetic cannabis junkies are not, and our small country doesn’t even have the beginnings of a space program, unless you count the one time we all deliberately let go of our helium balloons. It didn’t occur to even one of us how we’d retrieve the cameras we put inside them.

It is clear to anyone who examines the record that this government is weak, it is tired, and its time has come.

But it is not simply enough that the Government needs to go. A strong and viable opposition is required, and this is something that our country is sorely lacking.

The Green Party, our nation’s main opposition party, once strong, has become shrill and petty, while the Labour Party remains adrift, with current leader David Cunliffe performing even worse in polls than the previous leader, a polite forehead.

Indeed, no one is doing well in John Key’s New Zealand; especially not the opposition.

But not all is lost. With the traditional vehicles of resistance fading, a new opposition rises from the ashes, one better equipped to echo the sentiments of a nation that barely knows what it’s talking about. That opposition is the Civilian Party.

Where the Labour Party is shrinking in support, the Civilian Party is growing. Where the Greens have had half their leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig, the Civilian Party has had its entire leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig; and before the year is over, we intend to be threatened again.

I hope they get lots of candidates. Will make candidate meetings much more fun to attend.

Some policies:

  • Declare New Zealand’s independence from Hamilton. (Read more)
  • Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.
  • Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.
  • Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch.
  • Reform the Justice system so that every citizen is required to prove why they shouldn’t be in prison.
  • Issue a formal apology to Australia’s aboriginal population.
  • Maintain New Zealand’s long-term commitment to free nuclear energy.
  • Ice cream.
  • Lower greenhouse gas emissions by placing restrictions on the number of greenhouses, and greater obligations upon trees to absorb carbon dioxide.
  • Bring ultra-fast broadband access to the majority of rural New Zealand by 2016 and dial-up to Invercargill by 2017.

And a final thought from them:

The only thing that our great nation has to fear is fear itself, stagnant unemployment, low wages, superannuation costs, the economic consequences of existing and prospective free trade deals, rheumatic fever, Winston Peters, small pointy objects, daytime television, oil spills, earthquakes, cancer, traffic congestion in Auckland, systemic poverty, the ineffectiveness of throat lozenges, tornadoes, the housing shortage, global warming, gay marriage, straight marriage, bullying, chemtrails, losing one hour of sleep at daylight savings time, paedophiles, the current account deficit, terrorism, bus fares, and the possibility that a crab will sever our undersea telecommunications cables.

That crab fear is quite a worry!

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So whose car is this?

May 20th, 2014 at 10:31 am by David Farrar

kdc2 kdc1

The photos are from Sean Plunket’s FB page. Hat Tip: Keeping Stock

I do genuinely wonder whose car this is. Can it be traced through the number plate?

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Caption Contest

May 9th, 2014 at 4:16 pm by David Farrar

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From last night’s press freedom debate. Photo (c) Laura McQuillan

Captions below. As always funny, not nasty.

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