Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
President Obama in self-deprecating mode at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
I think it is a great tradition that the most powerful politician in the world takes part in what is effectively an annual roast at his expense. Can’t imagine it happening in Russia!Tags: Barack Obama
* Jadis post
So yesterday we had the dump truck policy from David Cunliffe, where he said:
“There’s nothing Kiwis like more than getting on the road and going on holiday. But on public holidays like Easter and Anzac Weekend fun can quickly turn to frustration when the family realises the rego for the caravan has expired or there’s a big truck hogging the fast lane.”
Then today we get this different kind of statement from Cunliffe (via Imperator Fish)
But we’re not stopping there. People also tell us that they can’t stand it when they’re merging in traffic, and when some clown in a souped-up car tries to push ahead of everyone else. We’ll make sure everyone merging in traffic follows the rules.
I’ve been travelling up and down this country talking to people, and I hear a lot of complaints. People are fed up. People have had enough. They’re at their wits’ end. They want to know why it is that when their neighbour’s car alarm goes off at three in the morning for the fourth night in a row, the police lack the power to confiscate the vehicle. We’ll fix that.
It simply isn’t good enough for this government to throw up its hands and say “not our problem” every time you go to open a tin of baked beans, only to find that the tin opener fails to cut the last bit, and then you have to get a spoon or a knife to twist the lid up, and then you have to wiggle the lid until it breaks off.
It’s not good enough for John Key and his rich mates to say “we’re not responsible” when you buy a carton of Anchor vanilla custard from the supermarket, take it home, and then open the carton at the top to pour the contents out, only to find that the custard is too thick to come out. Where’s the support for hardworking Kiwis forced to use a pair of scissors to cut the top of the carton off? Who’s looking after ordinary mums and dads forced to scoop the custard out with a spoon?
This is quality satire – all within the realms of possibility. Well done, Scott. I am sure you got a few heads nodding in agreement.
Tags: David Cunliffe, Truck
Some very biting satire from Imperator Fish:
I’ve been drawing a bit of flak for my criticism in recent days of the Green Party. I’ve now had time to reflect on my comments, and I’ve also spoken to my leader. David has reminded me that we can’t afford to take our eyes off the prize. When we fight with our political allies the only winners are National. …
I was probably out of line when I called Green Party MP Gareth Hughes a “mollyhawk”. And not just because the correct name for the bird is “mollymawk”. I don’t have time to concern myself with matters of avian etymology, because, unlike some political parties I could name, I’m more interested in jobs and growth than in saving some stupid bird. But I accept that the analogy was an inaccurate one. The Greens have always struck me more as ostriches with their heads in the sand.
Still, I was wrong to attack a Green MP so publicly, because we all want the same thing: to get rid of John Key. That’s why I have promised David Cunliffe that there will be no more attacks on the Greens. I won’t have a bad word said about that unwashed anti-growth lentil-eating pack of luddites.
It’s too soon to tell whether a Labour-led government would include the Greens, though that’s certainly a possibility. We will have to wait and see until after the election. We may have options of forming a government with my good friend Winston, or we may decide to opt to go with a dangerous and radical party full of ideologues with lunatic ideas. I personally don’t have a preference.
I have nothing against either of the Green Party co-leaders, and I have worked with them in the past without difficulty. Russel Norman is almost tolerable for an Australian, and I am starting to warm to his annoying and irritating accent. Metiria seems pleasant enough as a person, even if the way she goes on about the environment fills me with rage. I would have no problem being in Cabinet with either of those idiots.
So let’s put to rest any suggestion that I have an axe to grind against the Green Party. I will work with anyone who shares my goal of kicking John Key’s government out, even if those people turn out to be economic vandals intent on destroying jobs and growth for the sake of a few dolphins. That’s why I want to assure the Green Party leadership that I’m committed to making our relationship work.
There’s part of me that almost wishes for a Labour/Greens/Winston/Hone Government, just for the sheer pleasure of seeing the fighting!Tags: Imperator Fish, Satire, Shane Jones
Imperator Fish blogs:
Dear 3 News,
I wish to express my dismay and disgust at the tone of your political coverage.
I find it astounding that your political reporters continue to find fault with Labour Party politicians, while almost completely ignoring all of the terrible things being done by National. What exactly has Labour done wrong to justify this negative coverage, apart from make a number of terrible blunders? …
How dare Patrick Gower raise questions about the Labour Party! Who does he think he is? Some sort of investigative journalist or something? This has to stop! If 3 News wishes to avoid allegations of bias, then it needs to stop running anti-Labour stories. Please just focus on the facts, which will be the ones we send to you. On that subject, I am sending to you by post a package containing a number of recent Labour Party press releases. Please republish these word for word. Actually, just hold fire on that request. I seem to have mistakenly sent the package to a National Party cabinet minister.
Heh.Tags: Imperator Fish, media bias, Satire
Radio Live reports:
Do try this at home: Google search ‘David Cunliffe’.
One of the images that Google is pulling to create its little rich bio on the right there is not of David Cunliffe, but is actually of a cat that looks like David Cunliffe, off of the popular tumblr site Cats That Look Like David Cunliffe.
That’s very funny.
I presume Google picks the images that are most commonly clicked on or something. Such fame for the tumblr site.Tags: cats, David Cunliffe
Who’s to say Prime Minister John Key isn’t a reptilian overlord in disguise?
Key’s own office certainly can’t; its response to an official information request was that it had no data to disprove the theory.
The response came after Shane Warbrooke requested “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shape reptilian shifting alien ushering humanity towards enslavement”.
Key’s chief of staff responded this month, saying “no such information existed” to probable cries of “they would say that” from conspiracy theorists.
David Icke is a former British footballer and broadcaster who descended into ridicule after claiming he was the “Son of the Godhead” and promoting conspiracy theories, which he has since turned into books.
At the heart of his theories lies the idea that a secret group of reptilian humanoids called the Babylonian Brotherhood controls humanity, and that many prominent figures are in fact reptilian.
It was a silly OIA request.
Everyone knows it is Joyce who is the true reptilian overlord.Tags: John Key
Steve Braunias writes:
That’s why I’m announcing that a Labour government will give every new-born baby 60 hot meals of nutritious baked beans every week until they’re old enough to operate a can opener.
I slightly misspoke yesterday. I meant to say new-born babies will receive 60 hot meals of nutritious baked beans every week until their parents are old enough to operate a can opener.
I slightly miscalculated on Monday. I meant to say new-born babies will receive 60 nutritious baked beans every week, as in 60 individual beans, not 60 cans of beans.
I slightly miscommunicated on Monday. I was absolutely frank and absolutely clear when I declared my love for Genesis.
But there’s a distinction between liking early Genesis, and liking mid-career Genesis, when Phil Collins’s presence became more apparent. You can’t like both. At no point have I ever said that you could like both.
I slightly mispronounced on Monday. I meant to say that under a Labour government, new-born babies will receive exactly 60 nutritious baked beans every year.
Heh.Tags: David Cunliffe, Steve Braunias
Enjoy.Tags: Metiria Turei
An online broadcast of the Prime Minister’s state of the nation speech took live streaming to a whole new level after a reporter treated viewers to, er, a stream of his own.
3 News Political Editor Patrick Gower needed a toilet break after John Key’s speech today but forgot something – his mic was still turned on.
Listeners – thankfully there was no camera in there – were treated to an unmistakable tinkling sound.
Gower was taking it all in good humour, dubbing the incident “leakgate” and said “it could have been lot worse”.
“I’ve been involved in a lot of leaks in my time, but this is the first time it actually involved me taking one.
“I was caught short, I admit that but I will say this: It could have been a hell of lot worse.”
He offered his apologies to anyone who might have been affected by leakgate.
Gower is closing the door on a ministerial inquiry.
“I blame technical difficulties that were beyond my control,” he said.
“I am responsible but not to blame. For that reason, I have decided against a high-powered and wide-ranging inquiry.”
That would be a leak inquiry.
This also happened once to a CNN reporter, but worse her toilet break was broadcast on top of a speech by President Bush where she dissed her sister in law.
But probably the worst ever accidential open mike:
Hey @patrickgowernz we once accidently recorded Parekura Horomia having a massive dump at an East Coast marae, your now go into 2nd place.
— Duncan Garner (@Garner_Live) January 23, 2014
Oh dear.Tags: Patrick Gower
Joshua Drummond wrote a satirical anti-immunisation column (he is very much pro) and the comments are quite hilarious to read as some people did not realise it was satire.
Vaccination is a lie.
Plenty of people have tried to tell me different. But I know better.
When I was a child, I got measles and mumps. I’d been vaccinated for both. Oh, sure, some small, logical part of my brain tried to tell me that I’d probably recovered much faster from these illnesses than I would have had I not been vaccinated. But that’s the thing with logic. You can’t trust it. Science is based on logic and look where that’s got us. Genetically engineered centipedechickens from KFC. But I digress. You can’t trust logic. It’s intuition you have to trust. I have intuition coming out my ears. My aura is indigo. My mind is wide, wide open. Information pours in. Splash! Just between us: I’m a bit of a genius. I’ve got a real knack for medical knowledge. The sheeple need someone to free them. And I’ve spend enough time reading medical-sounding articles on various natural health forums to know I can be that person.
I would have thought pretty obvious at this point.
I first realised this when I discovered the Internet had a great deal of information on vaccines that they don’t want you to know. Who’s “they,” you ask? I’ll tell you. It’s them. Your nurse. Your family doctor. The National party. The Labour party. (Possibly not the Conservative party.) The Medical-Industrial-complex. The Great Vaccination Conspiracists. Unscrupulous electricity companies who generate power from the brains of autistic children. It’s all possible. Except for vaccination. Vaccination simply doesn’t work. Ignore the decades of scientific evidence. It’s all fraudulent. It’s all a lie.
Sounds like the anti-fluoridation brigade!
Vaccination was, supposedly, first performed by Edward Jenner in the 18th century and further developed by Louis Pasteur, who discovered cures for smallpox and rabies, respectively (although I personally find this about as likely as the idea that humans walked on the moon.) Some hail these men as heroes, and their work as saving the lives of millions. The truth is that these men are mass-murderers. Want to know who else used vaccines? The Nazis. They also used fluoride to keep their prisoners docile. I bet the Nazis even fluoridated their vaccines. The banality of evil.
At this stage, anyone who hasn’t twigged is very gullible!Tags: immunisation
Claire Trevett writes:
After a year of travels, both domestic and international, Mana leader Hone Harawira also decided to follow in the footsteps of his ancestors, the great explorers, and set up an expedition of his own: the goal being to find out where his office in Parliament actually is.
Labour MP Shane Jones will finally give up his favourite pastime of riling up those in his own party by shredding the internal organs of the Green Party and singing paeans to mining, casinos and big business. He will instead be elected as leader of the political party that is his true turangawaewae: Act.
Shane would be an excellent Leader of ACT!Tags: Claire Trevett, Hone Harawira, Shane Jones
The Herald reports:
Irreverent Cabinet Minister Paula Bennett has produced her own pink wine label on a chardonnay this Christmas called “Sip It Sweetie”.
Some will find their way into Christmas stockings, but most will be auctioned to fundraise for her campaign in Upper Harbour next year.
“A fruity little number, plenty of sass and spirit,” the label says.
“This classy chardonnay will impress at a barbecue, beach picnic or a fancy-pants dinner party. Good drinking now but even better after a third term.” …
Prime Minister John Key has established a tradition of dispensing bottles of fine pinot noir at Christmas. Mrs Bennett says hers “is not as sophisticated as his, it would be fair to say”.
Heh I might bid for a bottle.Tags: Paula Bennett
Claire Trevett hands out some political awards for 2013:
Oscar Wilde award for best insult
But the best single insult goes to Finance Minister Bill English, who, after revelations Cunliffe’s CV was a tad glossier than reality, observed that it was “a living document” – “like the Treaty, but without the principles”.
The Boy George Karma Chameleon Award
David Cunliffe, for singing the songs of solidarity to the unions, only to go outside and add the fine print for the benefit of a wider audience: “If economic conditions allow.”
Don Brash walking the plank award for missed photo opportunities
Primary Industries Minister Nathan Guy for his attempt to get the Prime Minister to hold a live electric fence in Chile.
I missed that.Tags: Claire Trevett
This christmas carol was performed at the Young Nats Christmas Party, and is very funny (if somewhat harsh):
‘Twas the night before Christmas, all through Parliament House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Press releases were sent and all committee papers shifted
In the hope urgency would soon be lifted
National MPs were soldiering on at their workstations
The Labour ones on leave or taking vacations
When down on the Forecourt there arose such a cry
I thought Tana or Richie had just scored a try
I peered out the window and squinted my eye
And caught a glimpse of a huge sleigh flying by
Could that be Winston in the red suit?
He shouldn’t be driving, he’s pissed as a newt!
And as for those reindeer tethered in rows of three?
Not immigrants – of course – but members of the Winston First Party!
Winston slurred “Go, Tracey, Barbara, Andrew, Dennis, go Prosser
go Asenati – but not you Brendan, you mum-robbing tosser!
Belching smoke, up the steps they hurtled past startled EAs
Drunk Santa, his backbench, all spouting political clichés
The senile old codger was mumbling about immigration
And protectionist trade barriers which would ruin our nation
Winnie’s wine boxes and Asians merge in his conspiracy theory
And like his voters, I find myself growing increasingly weary
But Winston was not to be the night’s only odd apparition
Along came a stranger one, with a far more sinister ambition
I was seeing the ginger-haired ghost of Christmas Past
with a banshee-like Aussie whine, sounding half-arsed
but it was Russell Norman proposing sweeping banking reform
and claiming fracking is making the globe rapidly warm
Joining Russell’s a woman in a $5,000 ensemble
Who despite the flash outfit, still seems a complete womble
It was Metiria Turei banging on about gambling harms
Printing money, marijuana and nationalising all farms
Apart from Metiria, impersonating Winnie Mandela
There was a virtual Commune of Green MPs wallowing in failure
Gareth Hughes as Chief Whip struggles to motivate
While the rest of them – all Vegans – just sit round and flatulate
These green-tinged ghouls want to take us back to 1930
Their policies would see us on horseback, poor, unwashed and dirty
Russell’s fiscally unsound, but still wants the Treasury
Whereas Turei would be happier with something more leisurely
The Greens are not workers, they’re intellectually lazy
And that Catherine Delahunty is just batshit crazy
And as for Labour, I hear you ask? Is there actually any Opposition?
Well, now you mention it, that is an interesting proposition
They seem to be demoralised, missing, all given up
Maybe with their new leader they realise they’ve been sold a pup
As for their Leader, Mr Cunliffe, he just can’t shut his gob
He’s constantly making proclamations like an overly theatrical snob
And though the election may go down to the wire
As for Cunliffe, despite what he thinks, he’s not the Messiah
But worryingly a dark future may still come to fruition
The devil beast, some call it, or Frankenstein’s Coalition
If Russell, Winnie, Cunners and Harawira
Unite to impose a reign of terror
Luckily an alternative exists to this nightmare vision
One led by John Key, and Kiwis will make the right decision
And next time Cunliffe attacks Paula and Tau for being Westies
John will send Judith Collins round to crush his testes
The moral of this is that in 2014 the country could be on track
Or ruled by the coalition of idiots who want to drag us back
So, if you want a unified government that’s smart, sound and rational
For heaven’s sake go blue and Party Vote National!
I look forward to the video version!Tags: Humour
What a way to die!
Tags: Mafia, murder, pigs
A group of Calabrian mafia assassins beat a rival with a spade and fed him alive to pigs, Italian police say. They have been rounding up 20 people for various mob crimes including five murders.
The murder probably took place in March 2012 when Francesco Raccosta disappeared, but his body has never been found, the court in the southern city of Reggio Calabria said in a statement.
Investigators arrested one of Raccosta’s suspected assassins after they captured him bragging about the hit in a telephone wiretap.
“It was such a pleasure to hear him scream,” the suspect said. “In my opinion, there’s nothing left of him … This pig can really eat!”
Tags: crime, Police
A South Auckland teenager ended up on the wrong side of the law, when he jumped the fence into the local police station while trying to escape officers.
Police were called to the Papakura Countdown supermarket around 6.45pm last night in response to a group of youths who were intimidating customers and washing windows in the carpark.
The group fled from police and one 14-year-old boy evaded officers by climbing over a nearby fence.
Unfortunately for the young man it was the fence of the Papakura Police Station.
“Unsurprisingly, he was quickly apprehended by police staff,” said Area Commander Jim Searle.
The Listener has their ten favourite opening sentences from news reports. They’re very good. They include:
- Sweden’s Ice Hotel has been ordered by the National Housing Board to install fire alarms, despite being made completely out of frozen water.
- Firefighters have warned of the dangers of driving into a petrol forecourt when your car is on fire.
- Swino, the boozy feral pig that shot to international fame after drinking 18 cans of beer, starting a fight with a cow and causing chaos at an Australian campsite, has died in a car accident.
- A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat.
- A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.
I think the last one is my favourite.Tags: Media
Turns out they were not an ex-comedy group after all. Merely resting. Pining for the fjords.
The Beatles of comedy, the (surviving members of) Monty Python, have confirmed what they have hinted at, flirted with, and otherwise squabbled over for years: a reunion.
The official announcement is due at a press conference on Thursday in London, but the punchline was spoilt by a nudge-nudge-wink-wink cryptic tweet from group member Eric Idle, followed by an unsourced exclusive in London’s The Sun newspaper, then confirmation from Terry Jones to the BBC.
Jones told the BBC that he and John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam and Eric Idle were “getting together and putting on a show”.
If their show comes to New Zealand, I’ll be first in line for tickets!Tags: Monty Python
This audio is hilarious as a truck driver is called about using his engine brakes in town too much. Listen to the end for a twist. The audio is now after the break as it may have been interfering with other links.