Kiwiblog

This looks like David Shearer on the toilet in his underpants but I’m pretty sure he is meant to be a Roman Consul sitting on the Consul’s chair. I presume he is meant to be Julius Caesar, which of course makes you wonder who will be Brutus?

Winston the pugilist. What was hilarious was when Winston headed over to the pub. Even the PM trotted over with just one lackey, but Winston was followed by a dozen pin-striped individuals into the pub looking like a mafia family.

Metiria Turei was delighted with her puppet. It looks like a cross between being a corporate warrior and a member of the Urerewa 17!

Bill’s one is very clever. His heart has been replaced by the ticket tape of an adding machine.

John Key or John Travolta. The PM quipped that if you have seen the video of him doing Gangnam Style you know he can’t dance. We think the puppet is an allusion to the fact the the PM is still “Staying Alive”. PM also quipped Bronagh will like the implicit comparison to Olivia Newton John.

Hone loved being in the waka and commented that Pita and Tariana used to be on it, and seem to have moved on. Subtle (only slightly) and funny.

Gerry gave the funniest speech. He was pleased with how small his body was and said he reckons it was because they used up all the spare latex on making the Prime Minister’s nose. The PM, who was still there, interjected with words about a looming reshuffle. All good natured and very funny.

Was a great night, with lots of people there. Really good to have the Backbencher open again. It has been my local since the day it opened in around 1990.

Very funny – and probably true.

Nicholas Jones at NZ Herald reports:

The humour of trail-blazing broadcaster Kevin Black is again filling New Zealand’s airwaves in tribute after his sudden death.

Radio Hauraki, where “Blackie” reigned supreme as the country’s top radio DJ, has been playing some of his most-loved prank calls since the 69-year-old died after a suspected heart attack on Monday night.

Listeners called in throughout yesterday to recall their favourite Blackie parody calls, which set the standard for radio humour.

The highlights are:

* Called the Ministry of Mines to report that after finding readings for uranium in his backyard, he and his friend dug a 100ft hole, and thought they had better inform the authorities. A concerned and overwhelmed official, muttering “my God”, asks him if he has any professional qualifications to do such a thing. “No. I have an uncle who was a coalminer down in Westport,” Black deadpanned.

*Told a woman in Papatoetoe that her garage remote was suspected of interfering with planes flying over her home. The woman went outside and confirmed to Black that the remote was closing and opening the garage. “Now point it at the plane above you,” he instructed. “Oh, no, I don’t want to do that,” she insisted.

*Called a rental car company and asked for some modifications to be carried out before picking up his car. “I don’t want any doors, could you take them off?” he asked. “Could you also take out all the seats except the driver’s, and the bonnet, too?” Finally, the attendant asked what he would do with the car. Black explained he would race it in the stock cars on Saturday, and wanted it as light as possible.

Love them all. Some pranks can be a bit nasty and humiliating. But these were all great fun. I love the rental car one especially.

The Herald reports:

A Wellington businessman who has declared “open season” on cyclists has outraged cycling advocates who say his comments are frightening and dangerous.

David Ware, managing director of publicly listed mobile radio company TeamTalk, wrote an editorial in the latest company newsletter railing against cyclists.

He calls them “sodding road vermin”, “roadkill”, “weasels in Lycra”, and said “it’s time to declare open season”.

“More than anything it’s their unbridled arrogance that gets up my nose.

“Unlike the rest of us they don’t pay road user charges or extra ACC premiums. But in spite of being guests on our roads they think they have some god given right to ride wherever they bloody-well please, whenever they please.”

However, Mr Wade said he had just bought a bike and would let readers know how he went.

The editor of cyclingnz.com Tim Pawson said the article was “distressing and appalling”.

He said it was frightening to see such anger in the editorial.

Oh good God, it is a pisstake.

The “editorial” is here. David Ware has just taken up cycling. He is actually taking the piss out of anti-cycling views. Does anyone think you would seriously write an anti-cycling rant and then announce at the end that by the way I am now a cyclist.

David is well known for being slightly wacky. He once settled a commercial dispute with an arm wrestle. His company’s annual reports are half annual report and half cocktail guide.

This is old, but I hadn’t seen it before. A very good parody of the ALAC TV ad.

Hat Tip: Sideswipe

Truth is running three polls on its website. They are asking:

• Is Willie Jackson correct when he claims Khoder Nasser is a hero?
• Should Truth feature a page 3 girl?
• Should Kim Dotcom be put on a plane to the USA?

Their voting options are rather amusing

Stuff reports:

When Labour leader David Shearer rattled through the names of his Maori MPs and the good works they were doing, it sounded like a slip of the tongue when he referred to Te Tai Tonga MP Rino Tirikatene as “Tino” before correcting himself.

But more likely he was indulging in some word association, given that the Shearer family’s dog is called Tino Rangatiratanga. The “schnoodle” got its name because his daughter first spotted it on the internet on Waitangi Day.

Does this mean the dog can file claims with the Waitangi Tribunal?

As always captions should be funny, not nasty. Even for Hooton

Political Correctness strikes again. Stuff reports:

In the annals of comedy history, Fawlty Towers is considered one of the greatest television programs ever produced. And from among its episodes, The Germans, in which hotelier Basil Fawlty clashes with visiting German tourists, is one of its most-loved.

And yet in an act which many will see as political correctness gone mad, if not actual cultural vandalism, the venerable BBC has censored a scene in which racist language is used.

In the scene, a hotel regular, the elderly Major Gowen (Ballard Berkeley), relates a conversation in which he corrected someone for using a particular racist slur, by suggesting they use another, equally racist, slur.

In the context of the episode, the line is clearly intended to mock the old-school British upper class for their inherent racism. In that sense, the joke is on Major Gowen, as it were, and not aimed at racial minorities.

I detest this sort of rewriting of episodes. People are mature enough to judge old comedy shows in the context they were made – and as reported the show is actually lampooning the Major.

The actual lines that are now censored are:

He kept referring to the Indians as niggers. No, no, no, no I said niggers are the West Indians. These people are wogs.

I guess Archie Bunker will be banned at some stage also!

Toby Manhire does a hilarious review of 2013 in advance. Extracts:

The appointment of Steven Joyce as minister responsible for Novopay proved a masterstroke. In mid-April, Joyce announced that the school payroll software would be abandoned, and replaced with Paula Rebstock.

Hekia Parata demonstrated her staying power, despite mounting dissent, which coalesced in a 10,000-strong march on Parliament, attended by teachers, parents, Phil Heatley and the Hansard transcribers. And how about those All Blacks?

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for New Zealand cricket and other bat-based sports.

Not a bad idea!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for the royal baby (Denise!), as well as minister responsible for Marmite and other strategic breakfast spreads.

I sense a theme!

Labour lurched from crisis to crisis. Only the harshest critic could begrudge David Shearer his newfound contentment as a freelance motivational speaker, guitar tutor and editor of the popular “Things to Do in Mt Albert” blog.

David Cunliffe had already blown his chance after Patrick Gower discovered a recording device secreted in his beard. That left Grant Robertson a shoo-in for the leadership. Shane Jones won all the same, seducing everyone before him by weaving Harvard babble, Kiwi vernacular and preacher-speak into a single sentence. Scandal came soon after, and follows him into the new year.

I’d love to see Shane as the Labour Leader!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for appointing himself responsible for things. He swiftly moved to appoint himself minister responsible for Judith Collins.

Heh.

It was a surprisingly quiet year from Kim Dotcom. Apart from the revelation that he had for more than two years been storing data in the Prime Minister’s cerebrum – mostly pirated copies of the blockbuster film Johnny English - as part of his “MegaKey” project.

John Key defused the incident with a joke about the cricket. His poll numbers soared. As they did after he tried to get Obama to drink a yard-glass, and when he arrived at Question Time dressed as Bilbo Baggins.

Don’t give him ideas!

He was universally lauded for his decision to change his formal title from “Prime Minister” to “Chief Executive of New Zealand” – with the exception of a single damning editorial in the Southland Times and a handful of extremist bloggers – and there was broad support for his proposal to leverage the brand as”SkyCity New Zealand”.

That will cost far more than a convention centre!

Excellent satire. At least I hope it is satire.

The Emergency Department of Waikato DHB have done a Gangnam Style parody. Great fun and really well done- but with a serious message about improving the flow of patients through the department to meet the six hour target for treatment.

Excellent stuff.

The White House has a policy of responding to any online petition that gets more than 25,000 signatures. This one got almost 35,000.

Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.

By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.

I would have thought the left would be fully in favour of this, as the ultimate fiscal stimulus. It would create jobs for every American!

The Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget has responded:

The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.

Actually they are working hard to spend more than ever. They could just print some more money to pay for it!

The Administration does not support blowing up planets.

Heh. Not even Pluto which isn’t even a real planet now?

Very good.

Sent to me by e-mail:

Subject: Update on Mr Claus – fyi

 Background

 The Treasury Secretary had an appointment last week marked Santa Claus. As is normal, Treasury staff provide a briefing note for all of his external meetings.

Briefing Note for Meeting

We see the Treasury Secretary plans to see Mr Claus next week. This note sets out some issues the Secretary should be aware of;

1) Economics. Mr Claus is very keen on distributing the effects of strong growth, but much less convincing on how we should meet the conditions for growth. For example, his freight proposals require extraordinary logistical management, right at the leading edge of the discipline. He would well advised to go down the drone route, as the US military has, than to continue with a manned aircraft. Multiple drones would go a long way to ensure success in his annual endeavour. The CAA advise us that the risks of airborne pollution from his existing craft are high, and could be dangerous to citizens.

 2) Social cohesion. Mr Claus has an unusual trait of using loud laughter to make a serious point as in “Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho”. Some may misunderstand his penchant for having little children sit on his knee, but he’s passed all police checks with flying colours (and flying reindeer, which concerns Ministry for Primary Industries (MPI) and animal cruelty advocates).

 3) You might want to ask him why a one-horse open sleigh provides such enjoyment. MSD’s view is that it is a pretty dangerous activity, and MPI note that a horse pulling an open sleigh through snow would need considerable pastoral care. It is possible that it should be licensed under MoT’s planned regime for quad-bikes.

 4) Other jurisdictions have reliably informed us (pse protect) that Mr Claus has been discovered stuck in compromising positions in chimneys in foreign capitals.

 5) Given the possible disappearance of his current home, Mr Claus may be looking for your support on climate change initiatives. So far, of course, there is no compelling evidence that climate change has occurred, or if it has, that it is the fault of people like us. It’s just as likely that the enormous expansion of his manufacturing operation, required to deal with the growth in children numbers around the world, has led to the somewhat reduced ice coverage. So it’s all his fault, really. And what is he going to do about it?

 Mr Claus may want to provide a briefing on his proposed JV with the NZ Govt. Our understanding of what he might propose at present is as follows;

The GFC has had a serious impact on his Trust funds. The interest on these funds is what underpins his business model. The initial source of these Trust funds is murky ( to say the least).

He has had to re-engineer his business, to get greater efficiencies. So he has a jv with Apple, which can deliver music, books and games world-wide electronically.

As you know, the intelligence on whether children have been good or not has been a drain on all our intelligence activities, with Waihopai spending up to eighteen hours a day on this at peak times. Mr Claus proposes now to use social media, which will allow for major budget cuts in our Vote: Spooks.

Many toys are now supplied by China, and are much cheaper than those from traditional dwarves and elves. We have a relative over abundance of this race and with the finish of the filming of the Hobbit,we are concerned at the potential unemployment increase amongst this vulnerable section of society

The proposal he wants to put to the NZ govt is that NZ should be the base for Southern Hemisphere Claus Inc. This would lead to marked efficiencies in his operations, and would allow NZ to brand itself as Santa’s summer home with all the spinoffs that would provide. He evidently has a business case supplied by Warner Bros which shows a significant benefit to cost ratio.

 Views across Treasury are as follows :-

Economic Policy note that NZ already relies on hirsuite gentlemen and hobbits for its brand identity, and aren’t sure how Santa would fit into that. (Maybe a cross between Gandalf and Frodo?)

Tax policy think Claus’s business model is a classic in tax evasion (trust holding shares in a company which employs one of those providing the endowment) and could be the subject of international dispute.

Regulatory Quality note that there is no competition for Mr Claus, and NZ would in effect be supporting a multinational monopoly.

Commercial Monitoring has baggsed the first ride in the sleigh, given their new more active monitoring role.

Macro could see a small one-off positive impact on GDP, but note that this will be offset by changes in monetary conditions, so it should be ok, sort of, you know.

 The Chief Economist thinks that this idea is BEAUTIFUL (and we think he is beautiful too).

 Immigration note that we receive few migrants from the North Pole, and considerably fewer now that the Arctic is ice-free for some of the year. It would be helpful if Mr Claus could find support from local entrepreneurs. Toymakers are not at present on Immigration’s skilled shortage list.

 International think this could see NZ as a competitor for Singapore, with very large but seasonal trade flows.

 The accounting people think the JV would probably need to be a Crown Entity, and in any event, will require close monitoring.

 The Vote team think we’d probably need an appropriation, and a Minister for Claus.

 The Treaty team think we should celebrate Matariki, not Christmas, and bright red clothes are culturally inappropriate. Ministers strongly agree with this point. Better colours might be, oh, teal blue, or, say, Pacific blue.

 MPI aren’t keen on reindeer – HASNO issues – but could see sense in a team of sheep, with a fetching ewe in front of a team of stout Romneys. A couple of collies could help with navigation.

 TPK think a waka is more appropriate than a sleigh. It would certainly float better, in the event of a sheep-out.

 Our Corporate Centre partners are keen. SSC think the public service has a lot to learn from Mr Claus’s strong ethical foundations. DPMC can see clear and visible opportunities for a Minister for Claus, who would need to be a very senior Minister.

Talking points – express interest, note the proposal’s close fit with our living standards framework, and get a team together to look at a PPP.

 Have a great Christmas.

It uses all the correct jargon, so I suspect must be the work of a bored Treasury staffer!

Heh, it had to happen. The video of Jay-Jay and the PM doing Gangnam Style is at The Edge. If you want to see his full nine minutes on The Edge, it is here.

No doubt the humour impaired will moan, but I think it is great that Key has such a great sense of humour. The full nine minute interview is hilarious.

Dan News does a great compilation of the years’s bloopers from our news shows. I’ve set this one to start at my favourite blooper. Hilarious.

Damn those flesh-eating zombies and demonic hell beasts.

NZ Herald reports:

An online Christmas Cracker promotion has landed Air New Zealand in trouble, with some accusing the company of transphobia.

The controversial campaign, run through the airline’s Grabaseat website, gave people the chance to win prizes and those who failed received a consolation joke instead.

One of these jokes read: “What large heavy ball was responsible for Valerie Adams’ gold medal? The Belarusian’s left testicle.” …

“This joke is unbelievably offensive, transphobic and just plain unnecessary. Really poor form,” wrote one Twitter user.

Another said she would like to see an “immediate apology” and a donation to a Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender programme.

Oh, lighten up. Let’s just ban humour. And please can we not have stories that just quote “one Twitter user” and “another”. Would you run a story quoting an unnamed talkback caller?

Here’s my views on this sort of humour. If someone has a characteristic they have no control over, then it can be pretty mean to mock them for it. So you don’t mock people for their race, sex, height, weight, sexual orientation, appearance etc (unless they are mates, and it is good natured).

However you can mock people for choices they make. If someone chooses to be a Scientologist I’ll mock them for that. If someone chooses to dye their hair blue I’ll mock them for that.

Now if Ostapchuk had been born looking very masculine with high levels of testosterone  then it would be rather cruel to mock her for it. She can’t control her genes. But she CHOOSE to take the steroid metenolone, in order to beat Valerie Adams. Metenolone mimics testosterone and gives those taking it male characteristics such as more muscle, deeper voices, and hirsutism.

So I’m sorry but if you take metenolone, then you are fair game for jokes about testicles. That’s the price of trying to cheat and making a bad choice. The situation is not the same as someone who is born with masculine features but is a woman.

Again the principle is very simple – don’t mock people for what they can’t control – but if someone chooses to take steroids to cheat at sports – they are fair game.

Terry at The Conservative is upset with Harvard. Why?

First with their approval of a bondage club, and the second with a flyer sent by one of their single-sex social groups inviting people to their club which included the following statement: ’Jews need not apply.’ ‘Seriously, no f*****g Jews.’

I think a bondage club is an excellent campus club. Much more useful than a debating club where all they do is talk and argue. All the Vic DebSoc members would be far better employed to get their kink on, than spend an hour arguing for and against paid parental leave!

But what about this Jew hating club? Well here is the pamphlet for it:

Terry comments:

You will notice these liberals—when exposed to media attention—try to pass off the Jew hate as satirical.

Umm, I don’t think anyone could read the above flyer and not think it is satirical.

I’m reasonably sensitive to anti-semitism but I actually think the flyer is hilarious – it is satirising anti-semitism like Southpark does.

Captions below. As always, funny not nasty.

I went to see Christmas at the Beehive at Bats last night. It ends tonight, which is a pity as I think heaps of people would love to see it.

I only heard about it on Thursday, and purchased a ticket yesterday to see it at 9 pm. The theatre was packed, including a few ministerial staffers I noticed.

There are 17 actors and a number of MPs are lampooned. John Smythes’ review sums it up well:

‘Tis Christmas at the Beehive and all is not well 
The charm of John Key is losing its spell 
Winston is restless, his spirits on rocks 
As dead David Lange cracks hearty and mocks.

The three living Davids seek leadership traction 
As bright Grant Robertson taps through the action 
Jacinda Adern is a party-girl stressed 
That Nikki Kaye’s party is thought to be best.

Paula Bennett brings news John Banks’s been arrested 
The Johnny and Bill show is now sorely tested 
“Jihad!” cries Chris Finlayson, frocked up to go 
To the ballet or opera or NZSO.

Hekia Parata strides through her crises 
Rendering her leaders quivering micies 
Mistletoe, though, does make them quite frisky 
While Sir Rob Muldoon takes drams of Win’s whiskey.  

Tariana Turia and Pita Sharples 
Have to work hard at not losing their marbles 
While Hone Harawira hovers above 
Fluffing his feathers, both eagle and dove.

Spreading the love with gifts for a new way
Is Russell Norman with Metiria Turei 
While all through the house wafting tinsel around 
Is her worship the mayor, Celia Wade-Brown.

Kanwal Singh Bakshi and Su’a William Sio 
Find common ground: gay marriage? A no-no! 
The Pope happens by midst the gay marriage thing 
Just wanting the masses to kiss his ring.

Todd McClay and John Campbell complete the live cast 
‘Though many more names get a serve or a blast. 
While patchy there’s brilliance enlightening us all 
I say get along: it’s a laugh; have a ball.

The Lange and Muldoon characters were great – captured their voices and personalities so well. Paula Bennett’s character was hilarious. When John Key tells her to sort out WINZ, her answer is “I’m all over WINZ like a cougar at the rugby clubrooms”.

The duet by Bakshi and Sio has you in stiches.

Any MP who watches it is sure to be offended by the character portraying them, but enjoy all the other characters! No one escapes unscathed.

The Pope even make an appearance, backed by the Imperial Death March music from Star Wars.

TV3 reports:

Minister of Transport Gerry Brownlee in Parliament yesterday compared Auckland’s plan for a city rail link to the infamous monorail episode of The Simpsons.

In response to questions from Labour MP Phil Twyford on the impact of the city’s growing traffic woes, at first Mr Brownlee disputed the economic benefits of the proposed rail link, and questioned the impact it would have on congestion.

But towards the end of his answer, Mr Brownlee slipped in a reference to the classic Simpsons episode Marge vs the Monorail.

“I would consider hiring Lyle Lanley and associates to do a scoping study for us on the city rail link,” he said.

“I know that they’ve done some very good work on some of the projects in Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook, and if they think this stacks up, we’ll give it some consideration further.”

In the Simpsons episode Lanley is revealed to be a conman, building a cheap and nasty monorail which begins to fall apart on its maiden trip.

Mr Brownlee’s quip appeared to go completely over the heads of other MPs in Parliament. …

Marge vs the Monorail first aired in 1993, and was penned by talk show host and comedian Conan O’Brien. It is often cited as one of the long-running series’ greatest episodes.

It’s a great sledge when the other side don’t even realise they have been sledged.

Heh, I had to laugh at this quote from National MP Chris Auchinvole on the Marriage Bill:

National MP Chris Auchinvole said he understood the importance of pro-creation but could not see how gay marriage was a threat to that.

”Sexual activity is a recreational and emotional function as well as just procreation,” he said.

A very polite way of saying sex is damn enjoyable

This is very funny.