Kiwiblog

The Dom Post reports:

A quick bite of chocolate cake and a glass of champagne was all National MP Tau Henare had time for as he headed straight back to work after marrying his partner at Parliament yesterday.

The list MP sprang a surprise on the House, which is sitting extended hours this week, by marrying Ngaire Brown in the former Maori affairs select committee room during the dinner break.

West Coast-Tasman MP Chris Auchinvole acted as celebrant and Social Development Minister Paula Bennett gave a speech on behalf of friends and colleagues.

Congrats Tau.

About 30 National MPs attended the ceremony, along with members of the Labour, NZ First and Maori parties. Labour Maori Affairs spokesman Parekura Horomia gave a mihi, or formal speech. …

Waitaki MP Jacqui Dean described the service as beautiful, although she reserved special praise for Ms Bennett’s speech.

“Her speech was more about farting than anything else.”

The mind boggles.

Jane Clifton reports from the House yesterday:

Prime Minister John Key hit on a cute method of deflating the Opposition’s ambush question strategy yesterday – though he probably won’t try it again.

Asked by Labour leader David Shearer whether he stood by his recent statements – one of those mystery questions that can lead to follow-up questions on just about anything – Mr Key grinned and said, “Yes, specially the one I said to my wife when I told her I loved her.”

This temporarily took the wind out of Mr Shearer’s sails because it’s hard to ask tough questions in a menacing fashion when you’re laughing.

General laughter was prolonged, including applause from Mr Key’s colleagues, and Speaker Lockwood Smith had trouble restoring order.

When finally he got a word in, he said, “Members would be wise to remember that if they include material in their answers, they can be questioned on it.”

“Yes,” cried Labour’s Annette King. “What did she say?”

The PM may be lucky that Labour didn’t ask supplementary questions about Bronagh

This photo is from Reuters. Captions as always should be funny, not nasty.

One commentator said that the ALP caucus has to choose between a leader they hate and a leader Australia hates.

One pundit has the count as 68 for the leader Australia hates and 26 for the leader the caucus hates with 7 undecided.

Sent to me by e-mail:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Heh.

I couldn’t work out why Trevor would regularly buy tickets for Homegrown. I did have suspicions he was in it for the profit. But this photo from the Dom Post suggests that possibly Trevor’s interest is not entirely financial

Enjoy it!

Heh, someone has set up an auction of Trevor Mallard’s credibility. The proceeds will go to Christchurch Earthquake recovery.

The Q+A, as always, is amusing:

Q: Is there any actual evidence you can provide to show that this item has ever existed

Q; Doesn’t Trademe rules state that the item must be in your possession? I don’t think anyone anywhere has Trevor Mallard’s credibility in their possession. In fact, research is ongoing to find proof it ever existed, as far as I am informed.

Q: While at face value this looks like a bargain, do you have any way of verifying that the product actually exists? I am somewhat dubious, as I have not seen any recent evidence of the existence of “Trevor Mallard’s credibility.”

Q: How damaged is this item? Will there be a refund available if it doesn’t pass muster?

Q: Is there a buy now? or will you let the auction take it’s course?

Heh, now that last one is very funny.

Cactus Kate has an exclusive sampling of the hacked e-mails to and from Murray McCully.

Photo from Setford. Hat Tip: Cactus Kate.

Captions should be funny, not nasty,

Photo from Stuff.

Captions should be funny, not nasty.

One fairly well known MP here, in her days as a LARPer or live action role playing gamers. In the many levels of nerdiness associated with gaming, the LARPers are the top of the pyramid

Hat Tip: Whale

UPDATE: A commenter points out LARPing would be more popular if it was all like in this photo below.

Image located here.

Been texted screen shots of the annual Durex survey about NZ MPs. They seem to have two additional questions this year. First the normal question:

Off memory John Key has won the male title for the last two years but with Winston back and a more prominent David Shearer, he may have competition. Also the addition of Jami-Lee Ross into the ranks. I suspect his harem in the Research Unit will be voting for him multiple times.

Nikki Kaye won the female award first time, and then Jacinda Ardern the following year. None of the new Green MPs are included (for which I am sure they are very grateful) so the old favourites may battle it out.

I suspect more women will answer this question, than men. But, hey who knows.

Another new category, with several different names there. I wouldn’t want to be the person who has to inform the winning MP, they have won.

Headline in The Press:

Plea for Canty fracking moratorium

But how will they repopulate Christchurch with a fracking moratorium?

No not that one, the good one.

This quote is from “The Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill” by James C. Humes in 1995:

Late in his life, Sir Winston took a cruise on an Italian ship. A journalist from a New York newspaper approached the former prime minister to ask him why he chose to travel on an Italian line when the Queen Elizabeth under the British flag was available.

Churchill gave the question his consideration and then gravely replied: “There are three things I like about Italian ships. First, their cuisine, which is unsurpassed. Second, their service, which is quite superb. And then — in time of emergency — there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”

Cactus Kate has blogged her version of the agenda for the Labour Party Summer School.

Some extracts:

5.45PM Housekeeping

Here Charles Chauvel will show you all how to make your bed properly. So you can tell the staff to do it for you later.

5AM Coping With Loss

David Cunliffe will speak on his time dealing with disappointment. We haven’t told him (or Greg Presland) yet but you will all be away biking with Trevor at the same time except those of you in wheelchairs or who are heavily physically impaired.

8.00AM Breakfast

If you still can stand after the compulsory bike ride our esteemed Deputy Leader Grant Robertson will serve you a Blanketman breakfast in honor of his favorite constituent. Just to get you all going for the day on a high.

Neelam Choudary

Needs no introduction. How to catch sleazy Tories in a honey trap. Neelam did more damage to National in the last term than any Labour MP could manage.

6.00PM Dinner – Sausages on BBQ sponsored by The Mad Butcher

Indepth after dinner conversation on “Traitors in the media” featuring John Pagani and Chris Trotter with comparisons to “Thee Who Can’t be Named” from the pre 1990 era and Mad Dog Prebble. Guest historian Judith Tizard and Michael Bassett.

Prayers to Dear Former Leader Rt Hon Helen Clark and Skype to NYC. Followed by a bit of social media training to explain the phenomenon of Whaleoil and how to combat him. Alcohol will be provided so please bring a plastic cup.

Imperator Fish blogs:

The Labour Party has admitted receiving a donation to its coffers from the National Party.

National Party President Peter Goodfellow confirmed the donation yesterday. He said it was a contribution towards the costs of running Labour’s blogsite Red Alert.

“They are doing great work, and we want that to continue,” said Mr Goodfellow.

Heh.

Mr Mallard said he was looking forward to getting heavily into blogging this year.

“We’ve all had some time off and are refreshed, and we’re ready to take the battle to David Farrar.

“We want to focus on the issues that are important to ordinary New Zealanders. Jobs, the economy, and David Farrar.”

I’ve never been an issue before! I have to say I did almost piss myself laughing at it. The irony is that by falsely claiming I was one of those trying to “censor” Red Alert, the end result has been more fuel for those who claim it should be shut down.

Even funner than Plunket in Metro, was the column by David Slack. Again well worth buying a copy to read the full thing, but let me share some extracts from Slack’s Captain Log for David Shearer:

Day One: I have had the privilege of meeting some truly fascinating people in my life. Energetic people. Inspiring people. Imaginative people. People whose work fills you with hope. I look around the caucus room again. I miss those people.

LOL.

Day Two: Quietly kicking myself. I’ve dealt with Somali warlords who got along better than this.

He then decides to take the Labour caucus on a bonding retreat to Somalia.

Day 68: Trevor asking awkward questions about the funding for the trip. Quietly kicking myself for taking up Hooton’s offer. Still can’t believe how fast he and his mates came up with the money …

Walk up and down the plane. They all have their gripes. Parker’s complaining he didn’t get his special meal. Street wants a window seat. King wants the same one. Ross Robertson gets sniffy when I don’t recognise him and ask him for ID.

Heh.

Clare Curran wants to show me what she’s read on a blog about “chemtrails“. Sit down next to her and use up three hours pointing out the window, drawing diagrams, explaining sunlight, temperature, wind shear, humidity levels, aeronautics and conspiracy nutbars. Think we’ve got it all squared away but then she says “Bout of course that’s what Fox News wants people to think isn’t it?”

ROTFLMAO.

Then over in Somalia the bus break downs.

Day 71. Arrive back with replacement bus. Shambles. Laundry hanging out of windows. Trevor has a card school going. Do a head count. One missing.

“Where’s Charles?” I ask. Without looking up from his hand, Trevor says: “Flogged down a Mercedes and pissed off back to Mogadishu to look for a four seasons.”

And the wonderful ending:

Just then there’s a toot of a horn and a cheery “Hi-de-hi” from outsid. Look out the window to see what’s going on. Great. Chris Carter.

I’m going to have to read Metro more often!

A hilarious column by Sean Plunket in Metro on the National-ACT negotiations after the election. Worth getting Metro just to read the whole thing. Some extracts:

Banks: Golly it was close, wasn’t it? Great to be back in Parliament as a National… oh, sorry… Act MP. No, no tea, thanks Prime Minister. Anyway boss, what am I here for?”

“So what is it you want Banksy?” queries Key.  “I know you are going to drive a bloody hard bargain, mate”

“Not really,” says Banks. Then adds quizzically, “What do I want?”

“You are one wily old fox, aren’t you, Banksy? Pulling the old I-don’t-know-what-I-want-trick, when I know and you know that you want charter schools.”

“Charter whats?” says Banks.

“Charter schools, Einstein. You know schools where we can blow away the national curriculum, give those pinko teachers the boot and say it’s all in the cause of improving outcomes for kids like you and me who climbed their way to the top despite a failing state education system.”

“Sounds good, Leader. We’ll take it”

One can’t be sure that isn’t how it went, which is what makes it so funny. Then he carries on:

Banks moves towards the door. “If there is nothing else, I’ve got an optician’s appointment to replace those silly glassses.”

“You’ve got me again Banksy!” says Key as he mimes being shot through the heart and falling dead. “The old that’s-all-I-want-and-I’m-on-my-way-trick! You weren’t really just going to walk out the door without even asking for a departmental spending freeze that would require any minister wanting a budget increase to have it approved by Parliament?”

“Yes I was, actually” Banks looks increasingly confused.

“Okay, you can stop twisting my arm now, Banksy. It’s yours.”

And the conclusion:

“I’m happy with that. Is there anything else I want?”

“Oh, there are a couple of other issues you’ll be wanting to hold my feet to the fire on, but why not just sign the agreement here and I’ll get Steven Joyce to fill in the details.”

“Righto, boss. I’ll see you in a couple of years, then.”

Plunket must have been in the room

For fans of the great re-imaged series.

Do you remember how Air NZ changed its safety video, after a few people took offence at the gay steward lining up (unsuccessfully) for a kiss from the All Black, after the stewardess got one.

Those taking offence were a small minority, and the steward himself didn’t think it was at all offensive – in fact he wwas annoyed it got censored.

We have much the same with the Libra ad:

The drag queen star of a controversial tampon advertisement, pulled amid backlash from the transgender community, has defended the campaign and has hit out against “dragphobia”.

The Libra ad features a blonde woman and a drag queen in a bathroom seemingly competing against one another as they apply make-up and adjust their bras.

When the woman produces a tampon, the drag queen walks out defeated.

Transgender advocates slammed the ad as transphobic, by implying people could only be women if they got their periods.

No, it was just a joke.

I’m all for gay marriage, gay adoption, non-discrimination etc, but this does not mean one can’t be the butt of a joke. It’s not as if it was mean or vicious. People should concentrate on real issues of discrimination.

The Melbourne drag queen who stars in the ad, Sandee Crack, has defended his involvement in the ad.

In a blog post yesterday he said he identified as a gay man who dressed in drag as a performer, and had never considered himself transgendered.

He slammed the backlash against the ad as “dragphobia”.

“Unfortunately, a small portion of the trans community have chosen to view the ad as a personal attack on their fight to be viewed as equal women within society. This is a fight I also feel strongly about and I hope to help educate the wider community on.

“However, I feel hurt that representing myself as a drag queen on television and playing out a common place scenario in my life has lead to a clear ‘dragphobia’ among some transgendered individuals, who wish to pull the plug on something that reflects true honesty about the life of a drag queen.” …

He said he was shown the ad before its release and was “thrilled with it”.

“I believe strongly that by putting a drag queen into the mainstream media, we are one step closer to acceptance and this is something I am very proud to be part of.”

Any use of humour is almost inevitably going to offend someone.

I guess the scene in Wedding Crashers where Todd hits on Vince Vaughan’s character who is tied to his bed, should be banned because it makes gay men looks like predators. But hell Isla Fisher’s character makes women look like rapists, so that scene should be banned also. Let’s just ban anything which uses a stereotype.