Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

The secret diary of David Cunliffe

June 22nd, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

Steve Braunias in fine form:

MONDAY

I want to make it perfectly clear that I have never had any dealings with Donghua Liu.

I wouldn’t know him if I fell over him. If I did fall over him, I’d help him to his feet, and say to him, “How do you do? I’m David Cunliffe, the leader of the New Zealand Labour Party. You look familiar. Are you Chinese?” …

TUESDAY

I want to make it perfectly clear that my dealings with Donghua Liu were a long time ago. It was before email. It was before the fax machine. Remember the fax machine? The paper always ran out, and it made that horrible shrieking noise whenever you dialled a number. I’m passionate about noise pollution and I’ll go on record now and say that a Labour Government won’t tolerate a return to the fax machine.

The letter I wrote to immigration officials on Mr Liu’s behalf in 2003 has nothing in common with the letter Maurice Williamson wrote to police on Mr Liu’s behalf. Maurice Williamson was interfering. I was merely putting in a good word for a guy who always had a friendly, open smile.

He’d wave out whenever I saw him, and I’d say, “How’s it, Mr Liu?” And he’d say, “Mate, call me Dong.”

The Dong I knew had an insatiable appetite for New Zealand literature. He wanted Helen Clark’s biography so badly that he paid $15,000 for it.

So on the mark.

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Steve Braunias’ World Cup Diary

June 20th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Metro is running a compilation of thoughts on the Football World Cup. Day 7 includes me:

I’m backing Germany to win the World Cup. It’s only fair as they get so grumpy having to work hard, paying tax, to fund the lazy Greeks and Spanish, so winning the World Cup would cheer them up a lot.

Of course a cheerful German is still much more grumpy than a pissed-off Kiwi, but just like poverty, it’s all relative.

I’m hoping Sami Khedira will score the winning goal for Germany in the final, as it will lead to celebrations throughout the Muslim world, and stop the civil war in Iraq.

Also it would means lots of close-ups of Lena Gercke, who is one of the smarter wags.

Also Martyn Bradbury:

Who d’you think will win the World Cup?

My brain says Brazil, my heart screams Tyrion Lannister.

Seen any heroes or villains so far?

Why are the commentary team on TVNZ so obvious and dull in their commentary?

Is football a socialist paradigm, a worker’s collective, or a capitalist model, which rewards individual excellence?

It’s an opiate for the masses that distracts them from solidarity against hegemonic power structures ruled over by a corrupt sports bureaucracy who make drug cartels look civic-minded.

For once I agree with Martyn.

And the Ruminator:

Who d’you think will win the World Cup?

Germany is looking pretty good.

Have you seen any heroes or villains ?

Wayne Rooney is an ugly bloke, isn’t he.

Is football a socialist paradigm, a worker’s collective, or a capitalist model, which rewards individual excellence?

Football is the perfect capitalist model. In theory, every team could win it, couldn’t they? Oh my god! Costa Rica beat Uruguay! Goodness! Costa Rica could go all the way!

That’s football giving false hope to the proletariat. Give them a slice of glory and watch them gobble it up and be satisfied.

But then by the end of the tournament, the elites (Brazil, Germany, France, Italy, Argentina) will rise to the top and take it away. Because screw the poor. Screw them. It’s as if Milton Friedman designed the tournament.

It would be far better if Milton had designed it.

And Whale:

Is there a World Cup on? Football? I’m too busy playing a combination of House of Cards and Game of Thrones in the truly best game there is on this planet…politics.

Politics is a fun blood sport!

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The Game of Thrones cycle

June 15th, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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So true.

From Buzzfeed.

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Joyce rated more valuable than Cunliffe

June 9th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

The Wellington Chamber of Commerce has two events on the 18th of June.

They have a breakfast with David Cunliffe for $45.

Then a lunch with Steven Joyce for $55.

Now they price these events based on what they think people will pay (Hence why lunch with PM with Trans-Tasman Council was $500 or so, and $85 at the Chamber).

This shows that Steven Joyce is rated more valuable than David Cunliffe!

 

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John Oliver on Net Neutrality

June 8th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

If you’ve ever wondered what the fuss about Net Neutrality is about, then you can get both informed and very amused by this piece from John Oliver on it.

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New Ziland Labours Weekly

June 4th, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

womanweek

 

Sent in by a reader.

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The new blockbuster

June 3rd, 2014 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

dr no

 

Given to me by a former Maori Party staffer. Not bad.

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Caption Contest

June 2nd, 2014 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

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From Gareth Hughes on Facebook.

Captions below. As always, funny not nasty.

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Tweet of the Day

May 30th, 2014 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Superb.

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Caption Contest

May 30th, 2014 at 12:00 pm by David Farrar

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From DC’s Twitter account. As always go for funny, not nasty.

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More spurious correlations:

May 28th, 2014 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

From the BBC:

marg

I await public health campaigners declaring NZ must be margarine free by 2025.

agemissam

It is obviously vital that younger contestants win.

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The Civilian Party offending the humourless

May 27th, 2014 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Ben Uffindel from The Civilian Party was on both The Nation and Q+A at the weekend.

Have a look at the comments on the TV3 story. Some extracts:

Why is TV3 spending money on this arrogant and deluded young man? Frightening and not even good entertainment. I doubt that Colin Craig would be interested in a friendship lest a coalition.

Its all good when its a bit of a laugh, but when the foreign media that are non English speaking get a hold of this sort of thing they completely run wild with it telling the world that there is a nut job politician that wants to hand out icecream and llamas in NZ.

That would be hilarious if they reported the llamas plan!

The lack of humour isn’t only there. Over on The Daily Blog, Frank Macskasy complains:

The one word that came to mind as I watched the episode was: revulsion. Not revulsion at the fact that our once proud egalitarian nation is now one of the most unequal on the face of this planet – but revulsion at the injection of humour in interviews; panel discussion, and levity between the hosts, Lisa Owen and Patrick Gower. …

I am not even referring to Patrick Gower “interviewing” Ben Uffindell, editor of the satirical blogsite, The Citizen. Though one certainly has to question why this segment was deemed worthy of insertion? What was the point of suggesting that children living in poverty – many of whom go to school without food (or  are given “food” that is of dubious nutritional value); no shoes; no rain coats; or lacking other items which Middle Class families take for granted – would find it funny to be given ice cream or a South American animal? 

Oh I so love the humourless ones.

The segment on Q+A yesterday was hilarious. My highlight was how they had resolved to overturn their previous decision not to let Don Brash join the party – but only if he pledged not to launch a coup within 24 hours of joining.

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Caption Contest

May 23rd, 2014 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

paula

Photo sent in by a reader. Have fun below with your captions. As always they should be funny, not nasty.

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The Civilian Party

May 21st, 2014 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

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The first billboard of The Civilian Party. Love it. Some extracts:

We believe that New Zealand is the greatest country in Australasia, with the possible exception of Australia.

New Zealand is a place where dreams come true, particularly if those dreams are about drinking heavily.

New Zealand has a long record of great accomplishments. We’ve done so many things we can be proud of. We climbed a big mountain. We said no to new forms of energy because we were scared. We got bombed by France. We had a nationwide argument about whether to actively oppose segregation or watch a game of rugby. We gave women the vote. We went to war and lost a significant portion of our population. We crashed a plane in Antarctica. We had a Prime Minister who called an election while drunk.

Heh.

But six years on, John Key has failed us.

The economy is performing well in some aspects, but poorly in others, the gap between rich and poor is growing faster than ever; earthquakes, hurricanes and floods have killed thousands*, and frozen L&P is a limited-time offer at best.
(*In other places)

To add to this, unemployment is high, innocent synthetic cannabis junkies are not, and our small country doesn’t even have the beginnings of a space program, unless you count the one time we all deliberately let go of our helium balloons. It didn’t occur to even one of us how we’d retrieve the cameras we put inside them.

It is clear to anyone who examines the record that this government is weak, it is tired, and its time has come.

But it is not simply enough that the Government needs to go. A strong and viable opposition is required, and this is something that our country is sorely lacking.

The Green Party, our nation’s main opposition party, once strong, has become shrill and petty, while the Labour Party remains adrift, with current leader David Cunliffe performing even worse in polls than the previous leader, a polite forehead.

Indeed, no one is doing well in John Key’s New Zealand; especially not the opposition.

But not all is lost. With the traditional vehicles of resistance fading, a new opposition rises from the ashes, one better equipped to echo the sentiments of a nation that barely knows what it’s talking about. That opposition is the Civilian Party.

Where the Labour Party is shrinking in support, the Civilian Party is growing. Where the Greens have had half their leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig, the Civilian Party has had its entire leadership threatened with legal action by Colin Craig; and before the year is over, we intend to be threatened again.

I hope they get lots of candidates. Will make candidate meetings much more fun to attend.

Some policies:

  • Declare New Zealand’s independence from Hamilton. (Read more)
  • Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.
  • Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.
  • Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch.
  • Reform the Justice system so that every citizen is required to prove why they shouldn’t be in prison.
  • Issue a formal apology to Australia’s aboriginal population.
  • Maintain New Zealand’s long-term commitment to free nuclear energy.
  • Ice cream.
  • Lower greenhouse gas emissions by placing restrictions on the number of greenhouses, and greater obligations upon trees to absorb carbon dioxide.
  • Bring ultra-fast broadband access to the majority of rural New Zealand by 2016 and dial-up to Invercargill by 2017.

And a final thought from them:

The only thing that our great nation has to fear is fear itself, stagnant unemployment, low wages, superannuation costs, the economic consequences of existing and prospective free trade deals, rheumatic fever, Winston Peters, small pointy objects, daytime television, oil spills, earthquakes, cancer, traffic congestion in Auckland, systemic poverty, the ineffectiveness of throat lozenges, tornadoes, the housing shortage, global warming, gay marriage, straight marriage, bullying, chemtrails, losing one hour of sleep at daylight savings time, paedophiles, the current account deficit, terrorism, bus fares, and the possibility that a crab will sever our undersea telecommunications cables.

That crab fear is quite a worry!

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So whose car is this?

May 20th, 2014 at 10:31 am by David Farrar

kdc2 kdc1

The photos are from Sean Plunket’s FB page. Hat Tip: Keeping Stock

I do genuinely wonder whose car this is. Can it be traced through the number plate?

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Caption Contest

May 9th, 2014 at 4:16 pm by David Farrar

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From last night’s press freedom debate. Photo (c) Laura McQuillan

Captions below. As always funny, not nasty.

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The comedian in chief

May 5th, 2014 at 8:20 am by David Farrar

President Obama in self-deprecating mode at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

I think it is a great tradition that the most powerful politician in the world takes part in what is effectively an annual roast at his expense. Can’t imagine it happening in Russia!

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Spot the Spoof

April 16th, 2014 at 1:33 pm by Jadis

* Jadis post

So yesterday we had the dump truck policy from David Cunliffe, where he said:

“There’s nothing Kiwis like more than getting on the road and going on holiday. But on public holidays like Easter and Anzac Weekend fun can quickly turn to frustration when the family realises the rego for the caravan has expired or there’s a big truck hogging the fast lane.”

Then today we get this different kind of statement from Cunliffe (via Imperator Fish)

But we’re not stopping there. People also tell us that they can’t stand it when they’re merging in traffic, and when some clown in a souped-up car tries to push ahead of everyone else. We’ll make sure everyone merging in traffic follows the rules.

I’ve been travelling up and down this country talking to people, and I hear a lot of complaints. People are fed up. People have had enough. They’re at their wits’ end. They want to know why it is that when their neighbour’s car alarm goes off at three in the morning for the fourth night in a row, the police lack the power to confiscate the vehicle. We’ll fix that.

It simply isn’t good enough for this government to throw up its hands and say “not our problem” every time you go to open a tin of baked beans, only to find that the tin opener fails to cut the last bit, and then you have to get a spoon or a knife to twist the lid up, and then you have to wiggle the lid until it breaks off.

It’s not good enough for John Key and his rich mates to say “we’re not responsible” when you buy a carton of Anchor vanilla custard from the supermarket, take it home, and then open the carton at the top to pour the contents out, only to find that the custard is too thick to come out. Where’s the support for hardworking Kiwis forced to use a pair of scissors to cut the top of the carton off? Who’s looking after ordinary mums and dads forced to scoop the custard out with a spoon?

This is quality satire – all within the realms of possibility.  Well done, Scott.  I am sure you got a few heads nodding in agreement.

 

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Emmerson on Bloggers

March 28th, 2014 at 6:18 am by David Farrar

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Yesterday’s Emmerson cartoon. Very funny.

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If WWI was a bar fight

March 17th, 2014 at 7:00 am by David Farrar

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I love the last few lines especially. From The Meta Picture.

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Imperator Fish on Shane Jones

March 14th, 2014 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

Some very biting satire from Imperator Fish:

I’ve been drawing a bit of flak for my criticism in recent days of the Green Party. I’ve now had time to reflect on my comments, and I’ve also spoken to my leader. David has reminded me that we can’t afford to take our eyes off the prize. When we fight with our political allies the only winners are National. …

I was probably out of line when I called Green Party MP Gareth Hughes a “mollyhawk”. And not just because the correct name for the bird is “mollymawk”.  I don’t have time to concern myself with matters of avian etymology, because, unlike some political parties I could name, I’m more interested in jobs and growth than in saving some stupid bird. But I accept that the analogy was an inaccurate one. The Greens have always struck me more as ostriches with their heads in the sand.

Still, I was wrong to attack a Green MP so publicly, because we all want the same thing: to get rid of John Key. That’s why I have promised David Cunliffe that there will be no more attacks on the Greens. I won’t have a bad word said about that unwashed anti-growth lentil-eating pack of luddites.

It’s too soon to tell whether a Labour-led government would include the Greens, though that’s certainly a possibility. We will have to wait and see until after the election. We may have options of forming a government with my good friend Winston, or we may decide to opt to go with a dangerous and radical party full of ideologues with lunatic ideas.  I personally don’t have a preference.

Heh.

I have nothing against either of the Green Party co-leaders, and I have worked with them in the past without difficulty. Russel Norman is almost tolerable for an Australian, and I am starting to warm to his annoying and irritating accent. Metiria seems pleasant enough as a person, even if the way she goes on about the environment fills me with rage. I would have no problem being in Cabinet with either of those idiots.

So let’s put to rest any suggestion that I have an axe to grind against the Green Party. I will work with anyone who shares my goal of kicking John Key’s government out, even if those people turn out to be economic vandals intent on destroying jobs and growth for the sake of a few dolphins. That’s why I want to assure the Green Party leadership that I’m committed to making our relationship work.

There’s part of me that almost wishes for a Labour/Greens/Winston/Hone Government, just for the sheer pleasure of seeing the fighting!

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Imperator Fish on media bias

March 8th, 2014 at 12:03 pm by David Farrar

Imperator Fish blogs:

Dear 3 News,

I wish to express my dismay and disgust at the tone of your political coverage.

I find it astounding that your political reporters continue to find fault with Labour Party politicians, while almost completely ignoring all of the terrible things being done by National. What exactly has Labour done wrong to justify this negative coverage, apart from make a number of terrible blunders? …

How dare Patrick Gower raise questions about the Labour Party! Who does he think he is? Some sort of investigative journalist or something? This has to stop! If 3 News wishes to avoid allegations of bias, then it needs to stop running anti-Labour stories. Please just focus on the facts, which will be the ones we send to you. On that subject, I am sending to you by post a package containing a number of recent Labour Party press releases. Please republish these word for word. Actually, just hold fire on that request. I seem to have mistakenly sent the package to a National Party cabinet minister.

Heh.

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Google on David Cunliffe

February 21st, 2014 at 3:13 pm by David Farrar

Radio Live reports:

Do try this at home: Google search ‘David Cunliffe’.

One of the images that Google is pulling to create its little rich bio on the right there is not of David Cunliffe, but is actually of a cat that looks like David Cunliffe, off of the popular tumblr site Cats That Look Like David Cunliffe.

That’s very funny.

david-cunliffe-cat-bio

 

I presume Google picks the images that are most commonly clicked on or something. Such fame for the tumblr site.

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Our reptilian overlord?

February 13th, 2014 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

Stuff reports:

Who’s to say Prime Minister John Key isn’t a reptilian overlord in disguise?

Key’s own office certainly can’t; its response to an official information request was that it had no data to disprove the theory.

The response came after Shane Warbrooke requested “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shape reptilian shifting alien ushering humanity towards enslavement”.

Key’s chief of staff responded this month, saying “no such information existed” to probable cries of “they would say that” from conspiracy theorists.

David Icke is a former British footballer and broadcaster who descended into ridicule after claiming he was the “Son of the Godhead” and promoting conspiracy theories, which he has since turned into books.

At the heart of his theories lies the idea that a secret group of reptilian humanoids called the Babylonian Brotherhood controls humanity, and that many prominent figures are in fact reptilian.

It was a silly OIA request.

Everyone knows it is Joyce who is the true reptilian overlord.

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The secret diary of David Cunliffe

February 2nd, 2014 at 9:00 am by David Farrar

Steve Braunias writes:

MONDAY

That’s why I’m announcing that a Labour government will give every new-born baby 60 hot meals of nutritious baked beans every week until they’re old enough to operate a can opener.

TUESDAY

I slightly misspoke yesterday. I meant to say new-born babies will receive 60 hot meals of nutritious baked beans every week until their parents are old enough to operate a can opener.

WEDNESDAY

I slightly miscalculated on Monday. I meant to say new-born babies will receive 60 nutritious baked beans every week, as in 60 individual beans, not 60 cans of beans.

THURSDAY

I slightly miscommunicated on Monday. I was absolutely frank and absolutely clear when I declared my love for Genesis.

But there’s a distinction between liking early Genesis, and liking mid-career Genesis, when Phil Collins’s presence became more apparent. You can’t like both. At no point have I ever said that you could like both.

FRIDAY

I slightly mispronounced on Monday. I meant to say that under a Labour government, new-born babies will receive exactly 60 nutritious baked beans every year.

Heh.

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