Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category
A cafe sporting an anti-Lycra sign for fun has caused a few cyclists to get their wheels in a spin.
Heathcote’s Castle Rock Cafe, which claims to be “unashamedly motorist friendly since 2008″, has a sign out the front deterring Lycra-clad cyclists from entering.
“The bicycle is a beautiful thing but they never should have invented Lycra! No Lycra shorts please,” the declaration reads.
Cafe manager Amy Grice said the sign had been put up by the old owner because of an incident with a large man in very tiny shorts.
That sort of sight was not suitable for children, she said.
I have some sympathy for the cafe owner. But I think the ban goes too far.
They should simply ban men in lycra. Few people object to to lycra-clad womenTags: lcyra
An amusing article from The Independent:
Acolytes Supporters of someone with whom we disagree
Arcane Rules ones we can’t be bothered to explain
Bed What love rats and lotharios do to their conquests
Boffin Anyone with a job at a university, a science GCSE, or a lab coat
Bonk Casual sexual relations
Booze-fuelled rampage What vile thugs go on, to the dismay of revellers
Bubbly How friends described the victim. She may also have “loved life”
Budding Someone under 20 who’s good at something
Calculated snub The worst kind of snub
Champagne lifestyle Typically, what someone “plundered bank accounts to fund”
Draconian The Government is proposing something with which we disagree
Foul-mouthed tirade Someone has said a Bad Word. This event is always “extraordinary” or “astonishing” to newspapers, whose staff are well known for their delicate sensibilities
Innocent bystanders The people who look on in horror when bad things happen. If injured themselves, they become “innocent victims”, to distinguish them from the victims who pretty much had it coming
Jekyll and Hyde character No one predicted he’d go on a killing spree. Probably because neighbours described him as a “loner” who “kept himself to himself”
Love rat One who has “two-timed” a partner. Almost always a man. If he’s a celebrity, his exploits should be recounted with a slight air of admiration, and he should be described near the start as a “bad boy”. Also used of adulterous politicians and men on welfare who’ve fathered six children by five women. If writing about a woman, try “marriage wrecker”.
Raft The standard unit of “measures”. Under the imperial system, a “cocktail of measures” is an eighth the size of a raft. A “whole raft of measures” is a raft plus a cocktail
Rapped In March 2013, several outlets including the BBC offered the headline: “Police chief rapped over Hillsborough”, conjuring the image of some kind of appalling duet with Jay-Z
Red-faced What council chiefs usually are after a “humiliating U-turn” over parking charges
Rushed The only way anyone gets to hospital, typically after ambulances raced to the scene
Sex session One or more bonks
To put it another way (newspaper euphemisms)
Bon viveur Drunk
Confirmed bachelor He’s gay
Flamboyant He’s gay
Fun-loving She put herself about a bit
He never married He was gay
Well turned out He’s gay
Feel free to add to the list below!Tags: Media
Most of these are absolutely spot on.Tags: Wellington
John Drinnan reports:
APN News & Media is gearing up for a subscription model at the nzherald.co.nz website.
The APN board is expected to approve the new model, which is planned to be in place by this time next year and marks a shift to subscriptions accounting for a bigger share of revenue. Chief executive Michael Miller said this week that the time was right to move ahead.
“Ten years ago it was foreign for people to pay anything for digital. Publishers – traditional ones or otherwise – relied on an advertiser-funded model,” Miller said.
“Now people pay for apps every day or for subscriptions to broadband. People are used to paying for digital content.”
A key decision would be how much content to make available for free before charging people for access.
I know a lot of newspapers have gone for paywalls. But apart from specialist newspapers like NBR, I’m not sure how many are actually making money out of them. In a small market like NZ, I think there are considerable risks.Tags: NZ Herald
Transtasman on how the parties may have responded to the Seddon earthquakes:
How did our political parties ﬁrst react to the earthquake swarm which hit Wellington on the weekend?
National: John Key says he’s relaxed about it, while Stephen Joyce drafts law forbidding Geonet to broadcast anything about earthquakes which could hurt NZ’s international reputation. Float of shares in 49% of southern alpine fault planned. Cut to EQC funding because “it sends the wrong message.”
Peter Dunne: After weeks of tough bare knuckle negotiations, agrees to support National’s ban on Geonet broadcasting, so long as people write a couple of reports.
Labour: In a sulky huddle debating whether the fault line should have a boy’s name or a girl’s name. In the meantime, David Shearer to issue press release saying the fault line should give him a fair go and stop being so mean.
Greens: Blaming earthquake on John Key, fracking, John Key, gambling, John Key, the Reserve Bank, John Key, John Key and John Key. Oh, also blaming it on negative politics and nasty personal attacks.
ACT: Didn’t see any earthquake. Can’t remember. Denies any earthquakes exist, anywhere, and says anyone who thinks such a bizarre thing could happen came in on a cabbage boat.
NZ First:Winston Peters hints at documents revealing true extent of Govt involvement in earthquakes, suggests he has them: then he hasn’t, but knows they exist; then denies all and blames media. Goes away for a few weeks till media forget and start writing “At least Winston isn’t boring” columns. Rinse and repeat cycle again.
Very good.Tags: Humour, trans-Tasman
Chacha has the top 15:
- I weigh this much
- I have had this many sexual partners
- I’ll be ready in a minute
- That sex was great
- I’m not mad at you
- I’ve got a headache
- It was on sale
- This is just what I wanted
- I don’t mind if you look at other women
- I’m fine
- You’re the best I’ve ever had
- I’m focusing on my career right now
- Fake phone number
- I have a boyfriend
- It’s not you, it’s me
I am sure there is an equivalent list for men somewhere!
Tags: Fun Things
NZ Polemicist blogs in support of the Pakeha Party:
The “Pakeha Party” that you cite may well be moronic and ignorant.
However, political parties based on an exclusive race and ethnicity already exist in New Zealand. Maori Party is one.
And time and again, some ambitious Pacific Islander politician proposes the Pasifika party. Last time, before such Pasifika party could be launched and consolidated the leader had to go to jail on corruption charges (Taito Field). I hear the rumors that ambitious NZ First MP Asenati Taylor plans a Pasifika party.
Even though some may find the idea of race based political party vomit-inducing, but the truth is that in New Zealand we already have these parties. It is people’s democratic right to be able to form a racial political group (as long as it does not preach hatred towards another race or ethnicity)
So, why should we judge, mock or resent a bunch of White New Zealanders who want to huddle together and launch a political party that will predominantly look after the interests of marginalized White people, for example?
I’m sure Poor White in New Zealand far outnumber all the poor “colored” people put together. I would very much welcome a White NZ party that exclusively speaks for the rights of poor and marginalized White New Zealanders.
I would note though that the man behind the Pakeha Party is a convicted criminal:
When asked about claims he had a criminal background, Mr Ruck admitted he had been sentenced to 10 months in prison for stealing $40,000 of DJ equipment. He served five months in Paparoa Prison, he said.
“There is a small number of DJs in Christchurch who hate my guts, in my opinion because I’m better than them.”
Or they may hate you because you stole $40,000 of equipment!
He said he was sent to prison for a month on another charge for driving his scooter without a licence.
You would not get prison for that offence, unless there was prior previous offending.
Mr Ruck told APNZ he was a businessman running a company called 0199, which he said he set up to compete with the Yellow Pages.
He said he also had a bad credit rating.
Theft will do that to you.
He believed he didn’t have enough knowledge of New Zealand history or politics to run the party.
“To be honest I don’t even know when the next election is.”
It’s in July 2016. Start planning for it now, so you can peak for it.
- Make Christchurch the capital of New Zealand.
- Replace confusing Maori names with their white equivalents. Whangarei to become Wongaray. Kaikoura to become Cackaracka.
- Install Michael Laws as mayor of as many councils as he can logistically manage
- Haka to be performed in English and only by Chesdale Cheese ambassadors Ches and Dale
- Aoraki Mount Cook to be renamed Mount Cook Mount Cook
- Prosecute Maori for extinction of Moa
- Maori must stop dominating unemployment and prison statistics and give Pakeha a fair go
- Pakeha Television, broadcasting nothing but Friends
Heh.Tags: Pakeha Party
Around a year ago I purchased tickets for the Wellington production of “Yes, Prime Minister”, based on the famous TV series of the 1980s.
So with great excitement on Friday night I went along to the State Opera House to see the show.
However I left slightly disappointed.
Don’t get me wrong. It was a very good show, and I enjoyed it. It is definitely worth seeing if you enjoy politics and humour.
But it was also a reminder of how almost perfect the TV series was. The actors, the scripts, the mannerisms were sublime.
I spent the first 15 minutes of the show thinking that isn’t how Sir Humphrey would speak, that Bernard is too old, and that Jim Hacker not enough of a klutz.
After a while you do get used to the new cast, but they don’t gel quite as well as the originals.
The plot, which is needing a deal with a fictional Middle East state for an oil pipline to bail out Europe is well done, and has some classic elements of the show such as Sir Humphrey trying to sneak past Hacker that the deal will require the UK to join the Euro.
All in all, a good show, and a pleasant reminder of the TV series. But not in the same league.Tags: Reviews
I can relate to the be thankful for 3G tethering!Tags: infographics
Some nice humour from Trans-Tasman on how party leaders would respond to the recent wintry blast:
Points out NZ experienced similar bouts of cold weather “pretty much every year, actually, under nine years of Labour. And they did NOTHING!” And then confuses winter with autumn.
“This hardworking bloke came up to me in a pub and told me he and his hard working family have done everything they can but they just can’t cope with these hard working winters any more hardworking.”
Calls on the Reserve Bank to get one of those neat “smart, green” new 3-D printers so it can print out some more summer.
“Everyone knows where this weather came from, though few have the courage to say it. This weather comes from China.”
Issues discussion document on obscure tax rule which allows deductibility of small weather related expenses: says it is not actually Government policy yet because there might be some ﬁshhooks IRD haven’t told him about.
Can’t remember any weather, but says if there was any it was donated anonymously.
“Whanau Ora means we can draw on our histories as hunters, gatherers, growers to withstand the winter, and ….hmm. Can we put in a Waitangi claim for some decent thermals?”
Heh, not bad.Tags: Humour, Transtasman
The Civilian did its own take on the Budget. Some highlights:
- $1.7 billion to buy back Mighty River Power after Tony Ryall began missing it.
- $1 billion to build roads that go around Hamilton instead of through it.
- $64 for Bill English to get his printer fixed.
- $500 in legal fees for Colin Craig.
- $800 million to Gore, just to see what happens.
- $30,000 for production of Air New Zealand safety video starring Maurice Williamson.
- $170,000 for undercover double agent speech writer for David Shearer.
- $20,000 to figure out why a McDonald’s deluxe cheeseburger costs less than a regular one.
- $250 million to make the transformers in the national grid look more like the ones in the movie Transformers.
I especially like the $800 million for Gore, as an experiment.Tags: Budget, The Civilian
The Daily Telegraph reports:
Unamused Chinese censors have been at work to stop people sniggering over the new Beijing headquarters of the People’s Daily newspaper, which bears an unfortunate resemblance to part of the male anatomy.
A journalist friend commented that when studying journalism they were told sub editors needed dirty minds to ensure no possible double entendre got into print. She suggests the same requirement should apply to architects!Tags: China
Tags: John Stringer
Wellington is 1/10th as Good as Christchurch (even after the
Kilometres of Christchurch beaches make Oriental Bay look
like a sand pit, which it is, just dumped ships ballast. So
you’re sunbathing on a tip!
Up until the year 2000, I had lived equal durations in both
the Wellington and Canterbury regions, raised my kids in
both, so am qualified to take on Colin Espiner and his
assessment of Wellington vs Auckland. I’m sorry, but this
will be a one-eyed total slam dunk.
Christchurch is named after God; Wellington after some
1. Better coffee. Wellington is powered by caffeine. And
there’s none finer than in the capital.
Well, if “coffee” is Wellington’s best “asset”
let’s just stop now. The same coffee in Wellington is
distributed elsewhere in NZ, so that is an impotent point.
Christchurch has hundreds of cafes and all the main brands
of coffee, as well as its own local roasters.
2. The Brooklyn windmill. Don’t scoff. One of the first in
the country and now a major tourist attraction. The views
from the carpark are stunning.
Any views in Welly (if you’re not being blown over) are
about a tenth as good as the 360 degree views from the Port
Hills (try the Christchurch Gondola, not that red fire
engine on a cable thingy; ours is silent, yours rattles and
bangs away). Against the Welly Windmill (an ironic but
appropriate fit for Windy Welly) Christchurch has the
Victorian Jubilee clock tower, the bells of several
neo-gothic churches, two massive cathedrals, and had the
Lyttelton time ball.
3. The Bucket Fountain. You’ve got to love a town that
keeps something so hideous and so broken that it’s become
a city icon.
If this is one of Welly’s finest bench-marks then it’s
all over. It’s a hideous thing. To counter, Christchurch
has it kitsch Queen Mother Corgis, the stunning Drummonds
outside the Christchurch Art Gallery, the Anzac bridge, the
hideous 9/11 memorial sculpture on Madras St (perhaps the
ugliest public sculpture ever made) or any number of
brilliant public sculptures that grace like artificial
flowers this very fair Garden City.
4. The Penthouse cinema. Arthouse cinema at its finest,
complete with decent red wine and its own theatre cat.
The Art Centre cinemas (Cloisters and Academy), Hollywood at
Sumner, the Rialtos, the Metro, the Regent, as well as the
chains: Hoyts, Movieland and Readings. Christchurch has
gazillions more cinematic options than Welly and even more
than Sydney. We even have outdoor cinema.
5. Westpac Stadium. Sorry Eden Park, but the Cake Tin is
better in every respect.
I have to concede this one, as Jade is damaged, but we have
several others (our Westpac Stadium for example, as backup)
and Christchurch is getting a huge multi-million dollar job
bordering Cathedral Square. It will be state-of-the-art.
6. Public transport. Aucklanders haven’t heard of this,
but it’s a fast, cheap, convenient and quick way to get to
Many young adults in Christchurch simply do not have drivers
licenses because they can get anywhere in our city, hassle
free, inexpensively, on the amazing transport system.
Moreover, we have San Francisco style trams, London
double-decker buses, an efficient rail system; it all leaves
Welly for dead. Our bus drivers are also friendly and
helpful; Welly bus drivers are known for their grumpiness.
It’s the weather.
Christchurch has far more bikes than Welly and the most
amazing suburban rides as well as mountain-biking options
with views the best in the world for this sport.
7. Sunshine and fresh air. OK, sometimes too much fresh air,
but Welly clocks up many more sunshine hours than its
Blenheim actually has the record, so this goes to a
Mainlander. Christchurch has much fresher air because we
have a massive range of mountains along our spine, and our
city is much closer to direct prevailing sea winds.
8. Cuba Street. No other city in New Zealand does cool
grunge like Wellington’s Cuba Street. Plus it’s home to
Midnight Espresso, home of the finest nachos in the country.
Sorry, Cuba Street is a second-hand shop with a few buskers.
Christchurch wipes the floor here with its impressive
Cashel Street pop-up Restart Mall (now an international
attraction) and New Regent Street with its tram flow and
Spanish Colonial architecture. Then there’s Rolleston
Avenue flanked by Christs College, the Canterbury Museum,
the Avon, and spectacular Hagley Park, the rival of NY’s
Central Park. No contest.
9. Wellington’s waterfront. Whereas Auckland and
Christchurch have turned their backs on their ports, the
capital’s is a living, breathing, human space. And you
can’t beat Oriental Parade in the sunshine.
It is abutted by a huge Soviet box (Te Papa paid for by the
rest of us) and trying to access the foreshore is not that
easy. In Christchurch stroll down to New Brighton and walk
along the Brighton Pier, read a book in the library on the
sea front, or go over to the many bays of Banks Peninsula
where you can swim with dolphins, catch various ferries to
exotic bays like Diamond Harbour, or enjoy the seaman’s
culture of Lyttelton, Scott and Shackleton’s final ports
10. Houses you can actually afford to buy. Not much point in
living somewhere if you can’t afford it. Wellington house
prices are not cheap, but they’re not stupid either.
You can buy a 2-3 bedroom in Christchurch by the sea for
$149,000 (there are several on Trademe today) or you can buy
multi-million dollar homes in a massive selection of
beautiful suburbs, several with rivers flowing through them.
We haven’t even mentioned the Crusaders (I have to show
some mercy), or the easy access to the great outdoors that
Christchurch has in spades: from alpine skiing to ocean
sports, ballooning, sky sports, caving, mountain climbing
and all within the hour.
Kilometres of beaches make Oriental Bay look like a sand
pit. There is mighty chinook salmon, and trout fishing, in
Christchurch. You can literally hand feed wild trout and NZ
eels within a block of Cathedral Square. We are wrapped
around by an ocean reserve with whales, dolphins, and ocean
fishing. We have a working Maori village, a working modern
Maori tribe, Ngai Tahu, a role model for how Maori can make
the most of historic Treaty settlements.
Our art gallery puts to shame anything in Wellington as does
the vibrant arts community across the spectrum.
Punting-on-the-Avon, the Antarctic Centre, the Cardboard
Cathedral, our huge network of parks, gardens, river and
wetland reserves; the texture of Banks Peninsula. Then
there’s Autumn and Spring. Christchurch is utterly
Since 1900, Canterbury has produced seven prime ministers
(Hall-Jones, Holland, Kirk, Palmer, Moore, Shipley, Key) to
Wellington’s three (Fraser, Nash. Marshall). Aaron
Gilmore may have stood on our List, but he moved to live in
Wellington, so he’s yours.
You may have the (recent) Wellywood investment of Sir Peter
Jackson at Miramar, and Weta, but where are all those films
actually shot? Canterbury. Heavenly Creatures is a
Christchurch Story. The Riders of Rohan gallop Canterbury
vistas. Narnia’s centaurs and fawns carouse among our
Sorry Welly, but perhaps the best measure is that more
people choose to live in the Garden City than in the glass
and steel corridor of Welly, jammed in between the Petone
highway and the Ngauranga Gorge. Christchurch is the second
largest city in New Zealand and shines beside Wellington’s
~ John Stringer, www.coNZervative.wordpress.com
I was talking to Matthew Hooton this afternoon about his comments in the NBR about never being denied service. It was during this conversation that we came to the conclusion that the amounts of liquor involved in Aaron Gilmore’s explanation seemed…well…a little too light.
So we hatched a plan…one I want to share with readers. More of an experiment than a plan.
How does this sound.
Three of New Zealand’s most obnoxious bloggers/commentators/politicos have at it at a classy restaurant and eat and drink until service is refused.
Myself, Matthew Hooton and Cactus Kate (if she can be convinced to pop down for the fun) attend a classy establishment, perhaps Antoines, and proceed to enjoy ourselves until a waiter utters the words to refuse us service.
You can join in the fun …
One thing is guaranteed though, we will be raucous, rude and obnoxious…It would be interesting to see if we could ever get refused service though.
As an added bonus we could live tweet and blog the carnage. Perhaps we could auction the 4th seat off, to enjoy an evening of fine food, fine wine and cutting and witty repartee?
I’m thinking of starting a fund-raising effort for Trevor Mallard to be the 4th personNo tag for this post.
This video reminds me of a Xmas lunch many years ago at a cafe on Tinakori Road, and a woman was trying to parallel park her car outside the cafe. She was only marginally more successful that the woman in this video, and it probably didn’t help that she could see our group pissing ourselves with laughter.
However we were not laughing at her directly. One of the girls in teh group went outside to tell her why we were laughing. She told the joke which she had just told to us, which was “Why are women so bad at parallel parking?”. The punchline being “Because men tell them that this is six inches” while holding up two hands just a few cms apart.
As she repeated the joke to the woman, she cracked up laughing also. It still took her several more attempts to par the car though!Tags: Humour, parking, You Tube
Kiwiblog has five double tickets to give away for Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus at the San Francisco Bathhouse on the opening night of Tuesday 7 May. The show starts at 8.30 pm. the show blurb is:
Join Ewen as he regales you with tales about tattoos, motorbikes, beer, fast cars, overseas trips, beer, cholesterol, hearing aids, beer, glasses, prostate checks and beer. Welcome to Ewen Gilmour’s Midlife Circus…
If you would like to attend, comment below and if you are one of the first five, then e-mail me your name and contact phone numbers so tickets can be reserved for you.
I’m attending the same night, and looking forward to it. A big fan of the Comedy Festival.Tags: Humour
Global Metal Apocalypse writes:
Global Metal Apocalypse is adding a new dimension to the site and it may be the first time that a music blog / site has done this, if it is then what can we say? Other than let this new adventure bring greater achievements and a greater global established presence as I conduct interviews and / or gain quotes from different nations in particular their culture ministers on how Heavy Metal is viewed in their country, bring out the controversy and support, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Focusing on a host of established and highly underground metal scenes, this post is aiming to express the feelings of Heavy Metal in the respective country outside the core community by trying to voice opinions and views that ministers of culture express and at the same time seeing if the world’s most extreme music genre has impacted on the traditional cultures of the specific nation.
They contacted the NZ Govt:
I directed an email to the right honourable Christopher Finlayson of whom is the minister for arts, culture and heritage in New Zealand, upon receival of his reply he had forwarded his answer through his press secretary Mr. Ben Thomas. Owing to New Zealands small metal scene recognition, it has a fair number of metal bands going around regardless of how well known bands like Ulcerate have garnered international attention, it would seem that the general public only know New Zealand for kiwis, the mountainous terrain and Lord of the Rings, but even Saruman took up the opportune moment.
And then the reply from the NZ Government:
There is no official government support for young people to learn instruments for use in metal music. The government does fund an initiative called Sistema Aotearoa, which enables primary-aged children from disadvantaged communities to learn classical music under the instruction of the Auckland Philharmonia Orchestra. It is not inconceivable that these young players may one day end up accompanying power metal groups such as Nightwish as part of a full orchestra, or providing ominous strings and horns on a black metal record by the likes of Cradle of Filth or Dimmu Borgir”.
You have to enjoy a response to a question about promoting heavy metal by quoting how the Govt is helping poor kids learn classical music!
Hat Tip: Dim-PostTags: Chris Finlayson