Imperator Fish on Shane Jones

March 14th, 2014 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

Some very biting satire from Imperator Fish:

I’ve been drawing a bit of flak for my criticism in recent days of the Green Party. I’ve now had time to reflect on my comments, and I’ve also spoken to my leader. David has reminded me that we can’t afford to take our eyes off the prize. When we fight with our political allies the only winners are National. …

I was probably out of line when I called Green Party MP Gareth Hughes a “mollyhawk”. And not just because the correct name for the bird is “mollymawk”.  I don’t have time to concern myself with matters of avian etymology, because, unlike some political parties I could name, I’m more interested in jobs and growth than in saving some stupid bird. But I accept that the analogy was an inaccurate one. The Greens have always struck me more as ostriches with their heads in the sand.

Still, I was wrong to attack a Green MP so publicly, because we all want the same thing: to get rid of John Key. That’s why I have promised David Cunliffe that there will be no more attacks on the Greens. I won’t have a bad word said about that unwashed anti-growth lentil-eating pack of luddites.

It’s too soon to tell whether a Labour-led government would include the Greens, though that’s certainly a possibility. We will have to wait and see until after the election. We may have options of forming a government with my good friend Winston, or we may decide to opt to go with a dangerous and radical party full of ideologues with lunatic ideas.  I personally don’t have a preference.

Heh.

I have nothing against either of the Green Party co-leaders, and I have worked with them in the past without difficulty. Russel Norman is almost tolerable for an Australian, and I am starting to warm to his annoying and irritating accent. Metiria seems pleasant enough as a person, even if the way she goes on about the environment fills me with rage. I would have no problem being in Cabinet with either of those idiots.

So let’s put to rest any suggestion that I have an axe to grind against the Green Party. I will work with anyone who shares my goal of kicking John Key’s government out, even if those people turn out to be economic vandals intent on destroying jobs and growth for the sake of a few dolphins. That’s why I want to assure the Green Party leadership that I’m committed to making our relationship work.

There’s part of me that almost wishes for a Labour/Greens/Winston/Hone Government, just for the sheer pleasure of seeing the fighting!

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Imperator Fish on media bias

March 8th, 2014 at 12:03 pm by David Farrar

Imperator Fish blogs:

Dear 3 News,

I wish to express my dismay and disgust at the tone of your political coverage.

I find it astounding that your political reporters continue to find fault with Labour Party politicians, while almost completely ignoring all of the terrible things being done by National. What exactly has Labour done wrong to justify this negative coverage, apart from make a number of terrible blunders? …

How dare Patrick Gower raise questions about the Labour Party! Who does he think he is? Some sort of investigative journalist or something? This has to stop! If 3 News wishes to avoid allegations of bias, then it needs to stop running anti-Labour stories. Please just focus on the facts, which will be the ones we send to you. On that subject, I am sending to you by post a package containing a number of recent Labour Party press releases. Please republish these word for word. Actually, just hold fire on that request. I seem to have mistakenly sent the package to a National Party cabinet minister.

Heh.

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Dom Post on Colin Craig

April 27th, 2013 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

The Dom Post editorial:

If Conservative Party leader Colin Craig wants to pursue a career in politics, he needs to harden up. His threat this week to sue a satirical website that ran a spoof story which attributed fictional quotes to him suggests he is not yet ready to cope with the rough and tumble of Parliament’s debating chamber.

Politics is the contest of ideas, and those who practise it have to be prepared for the reality that not only will their policies be challenged and derided by their opponents, from time to time, they will be mocked.

There is nothing wrong with that, as long as it is not done in a nasty way, and the purpose is to make a political point rather than an outright personal attack. Satire has been around almost as long as politics itself, and, done well, is an entertaining and humorous medium for social and political commentary.

Absolutely. The satirical piece was extremely mild, and only a moron could have thought the purported quote was genuine.

The last thing we need is MPs and wannabee MPs firing off defamation threats at anyone who takes the mickey out of them.

The Herald has a profile on Ben Uffindell, creator of The Civilian. Thanks to the publicity from Colin Craig, he now plans to turn the site into a business. Excellent.

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The Civilian

April 4th, 2013 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Charlie Gates at The Press reports:

A satirical website launched just two weeks ago by a Christchurch man has become an instant hit and is already being heralded as “New Zealand’s answer to The Onion”.

Former University of Canterbury student Ben Uffindell set up The Civilian as a sideline project, but its success has turned the website into his day job.

The irreverent, satirical site gets an average of 15,000 page views a day and already has more than 2000 likes on Facebook.

It’s very good. I’ve been enjoying it a lot.  Some satire is too laboured or try hard, bbut Ben has got the tone just right, in my opinion.

Definitely worth bookmarking.

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A sugar free NZ

March 6th, 2013 at 9:00 am by David Farrar

Joe Bennett writes in the Dom Post:

Boffins at the University of Otago have tested the blood of 3000 randomly chosen people over the age of 15.

Seven per cent of them had diabetes. That’s over 200 people. A further 18 per cent had early signs of diabetes. That’s over 500 people. Together, they’re more than a quarter of the people tested. That’s an epidemic.

Meanwhile, across the ocean at the University of California, more boffins have been bent over the test tubes and the stats. As you’d expect, their study dwarfed the local one.

They analysed the incidence of diabetes in 175 countries. Effectively that means everywhere. And they found that if the amount of sugar in a national food supply goes up, so does the incidence of diabetes. …

As for education, every youth in the country has been bombarded with dietary advice from here to my Aunt Fanny. They’ve been told about five-plus-a-day, the evils of burgers, the wonder of veges, the joys of exercise and the way to radiant health. The result: the chubbiest generation in the history of our species.

So, if people cannot be taught to do themselves good, they will have to be forced. We need to set a date by which New Zealand shall be sugar-free: 2025 feels about right. Then we need to work towards it.

Bennett is being satirical, but I suspect there lobby groups will soon be pushing for this!

Money’s always a good place to start. There needs to be a tax on sugar, a tax that rises automatically and drastically at the start of every year. That’ll get them yelping.

Next comes plain packaging. We all know the sophistication of the marketing buggers, how they hook kids on to brands by association. Well, brands will be dead.

In the fizzy-drinks business, for example, there’ll be no more Pepsi or Coke or Fanta or Mountain Bloody Dew, with their pretty colours and their brand insignia. No, they’ll all just come in plain metal tubes labelled “Flavoured Sugar-laden Poison”.

Schools will become sugar-free zones. In the period before abolition, lollies will be hidden from view in dairies and sold only to over-18s. Anyone supplying sugar to minors will be liable to a fine or a term of imprisonment.

Parents eating icecream in front of their kids won’t just get a finger-wagging. They’ll have their kids taken into care. And it will all be enforced by us, the sugar cops.

Joe shouldn’t write the Green Party manifesto for them!

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The year in review in advance

January 26th, 2013 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Toby Manhire does a hilarious review of 2013 in advance. Extracts:

The appointment of Steven Joyce as minister responsible for Novopay proved a masterstroke. In mid-April, Joyce announced that the school payroll software would be abandoned, and replaced with Paula Rebstock.

Hekia Parata demonstrated her staying power, despite mounting dissent, which coalesced in a 10,000-strong march on Parliament, attended by teachers, parents, Phil Heatley and the Hansard transcribers. And how about those All Blacks?

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for New Zealand cricket and other bat-based sports.

Not a bad idea!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for the royal baby (Denise!), as well as minister responsible for Marmite and other strategic breakfast spreads.

I sense a theme!

Labour lurched from crisis to crisis. Only the harshest critic could begrudge David Shearer his newfound contentment as a freelance motivational speaker, guitar tutor and editor of the popular “Things to Do in Mt Albert” blog.

David Cunliffe had already blown his chance after Patrick Gower discovered a recording device secreted in his beard. That left Grant Robertson a shoo-in for the leadership. Shane Jones won all the same, seducing everyone before him by weaving Harvard babble, Kiwi vernacular and preacher-speak into a single sentence. Scandal came soon after, and follows him into the new year.

I’d love to see Shane as the Labour Leader!

Steven Joyce was appointed minister responsible for appointing himself responsible for things. He swiftly moved to appoint himself minister responsible for Judith Collins.

Heh.

It was a surprisingly quiet year from Kim Dotcom. Apart from the revelation that he had for more than two years been storing data in the Prime Minister’s cerebrum – mostly pirated copies of the blockbuster film Johnny English - as part of his “MegaKey” project.

John Key defused the incident with a joke about the cricket. His poll numbers soared. As they did after he tried to get Obama to drink a yard-glass, and when he arrived at Question Time dressed as Bilbo Baggins.

Don’t give him ideas!

He was universally lauded for his decision to change his formal title from “Prime Minister” to “Chief Executive of New Zealand” – with the exception of a single damning editorial in the Southland Times and a handful of extremist bloggers – and there was broad support for his proposal to leverage the brand as”SkyCity New Zealand”.

That will cost far more than a convention centre!

Excellent satire. At least I hope it is satire.

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I’ve decided to never piss off an intellectual property lawyer!

November 17th, 2012 at 4:00 pm by David Farrar

Scott Yorke blogs at Imperator Fish:

A Day In The Life Of Sherwin T. McFadden, Broadcaster And Blogger

7:29 am
Was that the door? Oh my God, they’re here! I knew that one day the fascists in their jackboots and brown shirts would smash down my door and take me away. Didn’t I warn everyone that this was where it was all going to lead? This is all the mainstream media’s fault. They wouldn’t have dared to come here if only TVNZ had given me my own show.

Why didn’t the fools listen to me? Damn you, mainstream media!

7:35 am

So it turns out that the knock on the door was a courier, here to deliver the John Pilger book I ordered online.

“Can I get your signature?” he asked me as he handed me the parcel.

I don’t often get asked for an autograph, but I’m always happy to make a fan’s day. It’s hard to believe that when I pitched my hard-hitting current affairs show to TV3 they told me I didn’t have enough of a public profile. Ha!

“Do you watch my show, or are you a follower of my blog?” I asked the courier.

“I don’t know who the f**k you are, mister,” he replied. “Just sign for the parcel, so I can get going.”

I could tell he was a Nazi the moment he pulled up in his van.

9:42 am

The ratings are due out today for my hard-hitting current affairs show, Sherwin Says. It’s on every week on Freeview channel 418, and I provide commentary on the issues of the day, asking the questions everyone in the mainstream media is afraid to ask.

Last week I eviscerated John Key’s government, labelling its members “a band of crazies sucking at the neoliberal crack pipe”. I would love to have seen the look on John Key’s face when his advisers ran to his office to report what I’d said. 

11:16 am

The TV ratings are rigged! It’s just another scam engineered by a corrupt elite to shut down dissent. As soon as anyone challenges the existing power structures they get squashed.

 There’s no way my show had only four viewers last month. They won’t stop my crusade! 

1:21 pm

I can’t believe Nate Silver is getting all the credit for predicting an Obama victory. In an exclusive piece on my blog way back in October I picked Obama to win, not that most people would know. Of course the elites in power are determined to ignore me, because they know the mayhem I would cause. One day the public will awaken from their slumbers and realise that their country has been taken from them by the rich, the powerful and the greedy. And I shall be there to help them take it back, reporting every moment of the action on my blog for posterity.

1:34 pm

Bryce Edwards has again failed to include any of my blogposts in his daily politics round-up.

His decision to ignore my powerful post John Key is evil and kills children was obviously deliberate. He’s part of the problem, not the solution, now that he works for the Herald.

4:08 pm

Spent most of the afternoon blocking people on Twitter, defriending people of Facebook, banning people from my blog, and writing a blogpost attacking various other bloggers and commentators on the left. The only thing worse than a right wing stooge is a leftie who has a different shade of opinion to mine.

I once offered to combine blog forces with The Standard, but they turned me down. Well it’s their loss. They’re just a bunch of tired Labour party hacks too scared to speak truth to power. Their politics disgust me, and I suspect them of being class enemies, one and all.

Why won’t they let me do a guest post? 

5:51 pm

That loathsome Whaleoil needs to be stopped. That obnoxious fascist clown and his National Party shill David Farrar represent everything that’s wrong with the world.

And have you seen their blog traffic? It’s so unfair!

This is so funny, it is actually cruel.
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David v David

October 21st, 2012 at 10:00 am by David Farrar

Imperator Fish blogs:

 David#1:  Great news, David! I have irrefutable evidence that John Key’s been lying to the nation over what he knew about Kim Dotcom!

David#2: That is indeed great news, David. Tell me more.

David#1:  He’s gone and spoken to GCSB staff about the guy, that’s what. Apparently he cracked a joke in front of them. And he was filmed!

David#2: I don’t see the problem.

David#1:  Don’t you see? It happened in February, at a time when Key supposedly didn’t even know the GCSB were monitoring Dotcom. If it turns out that Key was joking about Dotcom to GCSB staff then it will prove Key knew about the monitoring.

David#2:  Yes, that’s pretty powerful stuff, David.

David#1:  Thank you, David. I finally think we’ve got the bastard this time.

David#2:  I can’t wait to see Key’s face when you show the film.

David#1:  I know. It’ll be gold. There’s just a minor problem, though.

David#2:  Oh?

David#1:  Look… it’s just a minor detail, and I expect we’ll have it sorted out quickly. It’s about the tape.

David#2:  The tape of John Key joking about Kim Dotcom?

David#1:  The very same. You see, I don’t actually have a copy of it.

David#2:  I see. I presume one of your staff has it.

David#1:  Ah… no.

David#2:  Right. Your informant then, whoever that is. It’s not Fran’s bloke, is it?

David#1:  I can’t divulge my sources, David.

And the fictional conversation continues:

David#2:  So, basically, you have no tape, and your informant won’t come forward to verify your claim.

David#1:  When you put it that way it sounds like a stupid thing to do. But here’s the genius of the plan: when we demand the release of the tape and they can’t produce it, everyone will see the cynical cover-up.

David#2:  You know, David, I find this whole thing extraordinary. You are going to demand the release of a tape you aren’t certain even exists in order to prove something that you have no evidence of. I can hardly believe I am hearing this from the leader of my party. And do you know why? Because IT’S A GENIUS PLAN! Do it, man!

David#1:  This will destroy John Key.

David#2:  It will certainly be very destructive.

David#1:  And it might even precipitate a change of leadership.

David#2:  I’m certainly hoping so.

Heh, heh. One has to give Scott full credit – he mocks all parties well.

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Curran v Jones on parody law

October 15th, 2012 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

The Herald reports:

Labour’s communications spokeswoman, Clare Curran, has taken her colleague Shane Jones to task for wading into her portfolio area and criticising a Green Party bill to allow exemptions to copyright for the sake of satire.

In the Weekend Herald, Mr Jones said Green MP Gareth Hughes’ proposed bill to allow copyrighted work to be used for parody or satire was part of a “Green agenda” of economic vandalism and would endanger jobs by damaging companies’ brands.

However, Ms Curran said she did not agree with Mr Jones and his comments were contrary to Labour’s general policy on the issue.

She later told the Herald she had contacted Mr Jones.

She said Mr Hughes’ Copyright (Parody and Satire) Amendment Bill was in line with Labour’s policy.

“From my perspective and our policy perspective, it’s the mark of a civilised society to do so. So my view and our policy view are not in accord with Shane Jones’ views. We will have a discussion with him when we get back [from the United States].”

Labour’s caucus was yet to discuss the bill, but she would recommend the party support it if it was drawn from the member’s ballot.

The main article on what Jones said is here. Danyl has also commented here.

On this issue I agree with Clare and Gareth. I think parody and satire should be “fair use” of material under our laws – as it is in the United States. Companies should not be able to prevent satire or parody by resort to copyright laws.

However there is an issue about how far fair use stretches. Few would say you shouldn’t be able to highlight and mock extracts from an advertisement, but is it fair use to say take an entire five minute video, and edit it into a parody? Does it make a difference if a competitor does it, or a lobby group?

There is also the reality that any attempt to remove a parody or satire of an ad, will probably just see the ad get wider publicity and hosted more widely.

If Gareth’s bill gets drawn, I hope it passes first reading. There would be some interesting factors to consider at select committee though about how far “fair use” (or “fair dealing” extends.  How would we feel if some US lobby group did ads using Fonterra’s intellectual property to try and damage their brand in the US and cause harm to NZ exports?

For me the principle is clear, that parody and satire should be allowed. The details may need some work.

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Salient satire

March 18th, 2012 at 3:17 pm by David Farrar

Salient have kindly added me to their distribution list, and have just been reading their first few issues. Had a good laugh at a satirical article on Trevor Mallard’s scalping, which they have on their website also. An extract:

In a shocking turn of events, it has emerged that the sell-out sales to this week’s O-Week events was not due to popular student demand, but was rather the result of a new business venture by Labour Party politician and entrepreneur, Trevor Mallard MP.

Salient understands that the MP had bought all 1,000 tickets to the Mt Eden and Roots Manuva shows, set to be held as part of Victoria University’s O-Week 2012, in an attempt to scalp them on Trade me for a negligible to modest profit.

In a written statement to Salient, Mr. Mallard stated that the initiative was part of a broader fiscal scheme to bolster his personal income.

“The pay down at Parliament is bloody dire, to be honest,” he said.

“I mean, for fuck’s sake, what else was I meant to do?” …

In the face of these accusations, Mr. Mallard has refused to capitulate to demands to return the tickets to the student body, vowing to fill the venue himself.

“It’s a matter of honour now,” he said, “But it’s all good. I’ll bring my Parliament bros along. Trev and the boys can always bring the party!”

Mr. Mallard claims he may just be able to scrape together a half-capacity crowd. All he needs to do is round up in one room everyone who wanted Phil Goff to be Prime Minister.

Heh, very good. Even better was Michelle A’Court on the same topic Seven Days on Friday night. I won’t quote her exact words, but let’s just say it was very funny.

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Heh

January 20th, 2012 at 3:15 pm by David Farrar

Imperator Fish blogs:

The Labour Party has admitted receiving a donation to its coffers from the National Party.

National Party President Peter Goodfellow confirmed the donation yesterday. He said it was a contribution towards the costs of running Labour’s blogsite Red Alert.

“They are doing great work, and we want that to continue,” said Mr Goodfellow.

Heh.

Mr Mallard said he was looking forward to getting heavily into blogging this year.

“We’ve all had some time off and are refreshed, and we’re ready to take the battle to David Farrar.

“We want to focus on the issues that are important to ordinary New Zealanders. Jobs, the economy, and David Farrar.”

I’ve never been an issue before! I have to say I did almost piss myself laughing at it. The irony is that by falsely claiming I was one of those trying to “censor” Red Alert, the end result has been more fuel for those who claim it should be shut down.

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Imperator Fish at Epsom

November 21st, 2011 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Scott Yorke at Imperator Fish has hit gold with this one:

National Party candidate for Epsom Paul Goldsmith last night told a business gathering in Newmarket that he was once a mercenary for former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi.

The revelation came after a television news poll showed Mr Goldsmith is well in front of ACT’s John Banks in the race for Epsom electorate. …

Mr Goldsmith told the Newmarket Business Association gathering last night that he had served with Gaddafi in Libya, but had been dismissed for gross cowardice and theft.

He also confirmed that he has dozens of convictions for fraud, arson, theft and sedition.

In addition, Mr Goldsmith confirmed he thought communism was an excellent political ideology and that, if elected as MP for Epsom, he would seek to confiscate all the finest houses in Epsom and turn much of the electorate into a gigantic collective farm.

He then proceeded to light a joint and smoke it slowly while saying “wow, man! Wooow!”

Heh.

Last night Goldsmith was interviewed by 3 News’ Patrick Gower and asked to explain whether he wanted to become the MP for Epsom.

Mr Goldsmith was unable to answer the question, because the flames of the church he was standing next to and had just set fire to forced him to seek shelter.

When asked to comment this morning on claims he was deliberately trying to lose the Epsom race, Goldsmith said he could not talk because he was late to a meeting with the Mongrel Mob about joining their gang.

Goldsmith later appeared on Broadway Newmarket wearing the Mongrel Mob’s colours and a gang patch, where he spoke to reporters.

When asked whether he was seeking to win the seat, Mr Goldsmith said “I’m too busy planning my next killing spree to focus on the electorate contest. Party vote National!”

Danyl has a challenger.

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Conservative Party policy?

November 17th, 2011 at 9:32 am by David Farrar

The Conservative Party said that they have not written all their election policy yet. Stuff reports on what it could be:

THE MIDDLE FINGER: Swearing and making rude gestures are criminal acts … and may result in significant penalties.

KISSING: Public displays of affection, such as holding hands and kissing, are socially unacceptable … arrests for public displays of affection.

UNDRESSED: In situations other than the beach or swimming pool, a woman’s clothing might be considered indecent if it is tight, transparent, above the knee or shows her stomach, shoulders or back.CHATTING UP WOMEN: It is illegal to harass women. This includes unwanted conversation, prolonged stares and glaring.

SEX: Sex outside marriage is banned. Homosexual acts and prostitution are illegal and subject to severe punishment.DRINK DRIVING: It is illegal to have any alcohol in your blood when driving.

DRUGS: a zero-tolerance policy towards drugs and penalties for drug trafficking include the death penalty or life in jail.

Dime should be very worried!

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Dim-Post on retrospective legislation

September 22nd, 2011 at 3:00 pm by David Farrar

Heh, another excellent piece of satire by Danyl:

Prime Minister John Key has called for other political parties to throw their support behind another controversial change to the legal system. The National Party will introduce a new bill this week that will update section 171 of the the Crimes Act. As with the changes to the laws around covert police video surveillance, the Prime Minister insists that the bill be passed under urgency and apply retrospectively.

The bill updates the manslaughter section of the Crimes Act of 1961, in which the current definition of ‘culpable homicide not amounting to murder’ will be redefined to exempt senior public servants who accidentally asphyxiate sex-workers at departmental parties. …

The law will be retrospectively applied back to December 17th 2010, the date of last years Crown Law Office Christmas function. ‘The Solicitor-General has specified this date as the key target for maintaining the integrity and dignity of the New Zealand justice system,’ Key explained, adding, ‘Go the All Blacks!’ …

The ACT Party has agreed to support the bill to the first stage of select committee, on the understanding that the exemption be further widened. Under the draft ACT bill it will be legal to accidentally run over a teenage baby-sitter fleeing in terror from a private property, so long as that property has a rateable value in excess of one million dollars. …

Labour leader Phil Goff has yet to form a position on the legislation, but explained that he also supported the All Blacks, a comment that has drawn intense criticism from political commentators and raised fresh doubts about Goff’s ability to lead Labour into the election.

I laughed seeing today a press release announcing the Greens were against the law change. I don’t think anyone ever thought they would be in favour of it, even if not under urgency!

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Dim-Post on Nats welfare reform

August 22nd, 2011 at 12:43 pm by David Farrar

A cracker post from Danyl:

If elected to a second term the National Government will introduce a series of harsh reforms to the welfare system targeting Toby, a twenty year old unemployment beneficiary living in New Plymouth, Prime Minister John Key announced today.

The new policies directly target Toby’s lifestyle and will prevent him from staying up late and then sleeping in, playing Call of Duty on his playstation and wearing baggy clothing, Key told a regional National Party conference.

You know there would be votes in banning baggy clothing!

A task-force led by former Treasury Secretary Murray Horn will monitor the outcomes of the reforms over an eighteen month period, and he will also try and convince Toby’s girlfriend Amanda that she is too good for him and that Toby is probably cheating on her.

The Horn Inquiry is budgeted at $1.25 million dollars, a sum that has drawn criticism from opposition MPs. Mr Key defends the cost, saying, ‘The reality is, first, that if you want someone of the calibre of Murray Horn then you have to pay an internationally competitive rate, and secondly, Amanda has beautiful eyes and her photography of cemeteries and abandoned farm buildings are amazing. Just about anyone would be better for her than that douchebag.’

Heh.

Additional components of the package targetting Toby are:

  • Amendments to the Bill of Rights Act restricting Toby from wearing any non-elastic banded trousers, specifically preventing him from wearing hipsters that show off his disgusting, hairy, acne-covered buttocks.
  • A new WINZ department to enforce strict sleeping and waking schedule so that Toby is not lying around in bed when the rest of us are on our way to work, sitting in traffic or waiting for a bus in the rain. The actual enforcement of the schedule will be contracted out to community groups.
  • These groups will also replace the metalcore songs on Toby’s iPod with a selection of tunes from Tim Finn, The Feelers and Hayley Westenra

Danyl shouldn’t give the Government ideas while they are looking for new policy.

The Welfare Working Group was convened by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett to study welfare reform, and it looked into Toby in 2010, and recommended that his benefit payments be transferred to a community based private welfare provider who would receive a bonus if they drilled holes in Toby’s head and poured sulphuric acid into his brain.

Key has rejected this option, and Ms Bennett has also distanced herself from the Working Group’s findings. ‘The National Party has made a commitment not to torture any young people to death during our second term in office,’ she told reporters at a Parliamentary press conference.

Only for the second term though!

The Labour Party has been reluctant to comment on the reforms, but vetern welfare activist Sue Bradford has slammed them as mindless and doomed to fail.

Bradford has also spoken out against Nationals’ reforms. ‘They also, are mindless.’

Oh, how subtle. I almost missed that.

Toby made a brief phone statement yesterday in which he insisted he knew nothing of the new reforms but intended to vote for John Key and National in the upcoming election. ‘I saw a photo of him hanging with [All Blacks hooker] Andrew Hore, who is an awesome dude.’ Toby explained. ‘Taranaki kicks ass.’

You have to wonder if Danyl invented Toby or met him?

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The PM at assault scene story

August 9th, 2011 at 3:21 pm by David Farrar

The Dom Post reports:

Prime Minister John Key and his diplomatic protection squad entourage were among the first on the scene of an assault in central Wellington early this morning.

Key and his police protection had been out for a run when they were returning to Parliament about 6.30am.

They stumbled on a person lying on the ground in Bowen Street with a group of people gathered around.

“I obviously suggested to my police officers that I thought we should stop and provide assistance.”

This story is just another example of the Murdoch controlled lazy incompetent left-hating media not doing their job.

If they were true journalists they would have discovered that the entire scene was engineered by Crosby Textor to provide a good news story, and show the PM as fit and healthy on his 50th birthday.

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Classic Dim Post

July 30th, 2011 at 12:12 pm by David Farrar

Danyl blogs:

Senior government Minister and key National Party campaign strategist Steven Joyce will be spotted to the Labour Party for the election campaign, Prime Minister John Key announced today.

The surprise announcement comes after weeks of dire polling for the Labour Party, compounded by a series of public relations fiascos. Joyce is regarded as Key’s closest advisor, and National’s strategic mastermind.

‘This will make the 2011 General Election a fair fight instead of a somewhat undemocratic cake-walk,’ Key said in his Beehive Press Conference. He added that came to the decision after speaking with Joyce, who ‘loves a challenge.’

Heh.

Joyce will work closely with senior Labour MP Trevor Mallard, who is currently running Labour’s election campaign. Joyce has insisted that the two men will work together as equals.

‘Trevor’s role will be crucial to our success’ Joyce announced in a joint press conference with Labour leader Phil Goff. ‘In light of recent information security problems, Trevor will safeguard our campaign strategy documents in a tent on the Auckland Islands.’

The Auckland’s are an unpopulated sub-Antarctic island group with no phone or internet access. ‘Everything depends on this,’ Joyce insisted, as Mallard’s tiny orange dinghy sailed out from Invercargill into fearsome three meter swells.

Well they will be safer there, than backing them up to the webserver.

In the interests of party balance, Labour has traded Joyce for Dunedin South MP Clare Curran, and she’s believed to be behind the Prime Minister’s shock announcement that he will conduct the remainder of his campaign in virtual reality environment Second Life, and prefix every single word he speaks with the letter ‘i’.

The Prime Minister’s fairy-winger avatar commented on the new strategy when he addressed an online press conference of goblins, virtual journalists and the National Party Cosplay Association this afternoon.

‘iI imay ihave imade a ihuge imistake,’ Key said.

I love the phrase “the Prime Minister’s fairy-winger avatar” :-)

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More Pigeon

December 7th, 2010 at 9:00 am by David Farrar

The Pigeon blogs:

John Key returned to New Zealand from a diplomatic conference last night, to find the country was a complete shambles. Sources claim the Prime Minister was extremely disappointed and very angry at the nation for not cleaning up the mess we made while he was away, because even though we don’t mind living in a pigsty, he doesn’t expect to come home from a hard day at work to find the country in utter chaos.

“I work and I work and I work so that we can live in a nice country and have good food everyday and when I come home, I just want to put my feet up and watch my programme for once,” Key said, clearly frustrated, “but I guess that’s just too much to fucking ask.” …

The Prime Minister’s emotions reached boiling point however, after spotting Hamilton out of the corner of his eye.

“OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” he bellowed suddenly, adding “Who did this?” while pointing at the city. “I want to know NOW, who did this?”

“I’m not kidding around here, who is responsible for this atrocious pile of crap?” the Prime Minister raged on as he grabbed the nearest Air New Zealand shares and dashed them to pieces on the floor.

“Now look what you made me do. Are you happy now?”

At press time John Key had reportedly locked himself in his room, leaving the clearly shaken remainder of the country to sombrely reflect what a disappointment we all were to him.

Not bad.

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The Pigeon

December 5th, 2010 at 2:00 pm by David Farrar

A new satirical website, The Pigeon.

An example from a week or so ago:

At its recent party conference, the Labour party promised “bold, new” policies before the next election. “Our old policies were printed in rather bland fonts” said Phil Goff, “the citizens of New Zealand deserve better”.

Mr Goff went on to outline a plan to break away from the “Times” font that has characterised Labour policy documents since the 1980s reforms under Lange, to replace it with bold, Times New Roman in all Labour party policy documentation. “We are always looking for new ways to promote diversity, so we might even add in some Courier New, or Comic Sans, just to mix things up a bit,” continued Goff.

Critics of the new font argue that the move is not enough to differentiate Labour and position it as the party of the future. “If you look at Len Brown’s recent campaign, one of the things that set him apart from Banks was his willingness to push the envelope into sans serif fonts, and edgier colour schemes,” said one of the party faithful who asked to remain anonymous. Although others outside the conference building were more optimistic, pointing out that Times New Romans was websafe, bold made its policies look more confident, and that in addition to the font change, Phil Goff had hinted that he might be looking to further update the party’s image among voters by getting a makeover and updating his tie collection.

I’ve added them to my blogroll.

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No satire or parody in Brazil

August 18th, 2010 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

If you thought the Electoral Finance Act was bad enough, it is even worse in Brazil:

Brazilian TV and radio broadcasters are legally forbidden from making fun of candidates ahead of the nation’s October 3 election.

With the first wave of on-air political adverts starting today, Brazil’s comedians and satirists are planning to fight for their right to ridicule with protests in Rio de Janeiro and other cities next Monday.

They call the political anti-joking law – which prohibits ridiculing candidates in the three months before elections – a draconian relic of Brazil’s dictatorship era that threatens free speech and is a blight on the reputation of Latin America’s largest nation.

But believe it or not some politicians defend it:

Proponents of the restrictions say they keep candidates from being portrayed unfairly, help ensure a level playing field and encourage candour by candidates.

Which party in New Zealand would be most likely to support such a law I wonder?

The effects of such a law in New Zealand would be fascinating I suspect Jane Clifton and Claire Trevett would end up sharing a jail cell :-)

Danyl at the Dim Post would be in solitary confinement.

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Dim Post on McCully and China

June 20th, 2010 at 4:14 pm by David Farrar

Superb as usual:

Foreign Minister Murray McCully has been severely reprimanded by Chinese Ambassador Zhang Limin for exercising poor judgement when using his Ministerial credit card, the Chinese Embassy announced today.

Previously Prime Minister John Key has defended McCully’s $2000 laundry bill and high alcohol expenditure but the Chinese Ambassador has overruled Key’s position, calling McCully’s spending ‘unseemly and non-magnificent’, and issuing a formal reprimand of the Foreign Minister.

‘We feel the Minister’s level of decadence is inappropriate and counter-revolutionary,’ the Ambassador announced. ‘This behaviour is not acceptable from Party functionaries and will not be tolerated.’

McCully has accepted the censure and thanked the Ambassador for his criticism. ‘Only through the wisdom of his Excellency can I reform my thoughts and become a better servant,’ McCully told reporters, speaking from a pool of mud outside his home where he has kneeled prostrate since receiving the rebuke yesterday. ‘I am chastened but also joyful and eternally grateful.’ …

… ‘We thank McCully for his good and faithful assistance in enlightening Dr Norman’s speech,’ the Ambassador said in his statement. ‘With great perseverance and skillful self-discipline the Snail will once again enjoy the favor of the Dragon.’

To ensure widespread coverage of the censure Chinese Embassy officials decreed that publication of the statement was mandatory for all media outlets. The Dim-Post is joyful to be of service in this matter.

I trust all blogs will comply with the mandatory reporting.

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Dim Post on Hodgson

June 16th, 2010 at 1:00 pm by David Farrar

Danyl is dangerous when bored:

Labour Party MP Pete Hodgson will be leaving Parliament to travel back in time and attack the reputation of Prime Minister John Key as a young boy, senior Labour sources announced today.

The Dunedin North MP plans to establish a new identity in the past where he can be close to the future Prime Minister – possibly as a teacher or friend of the Key family – and accumulate enough evidence to permanently damage Key’s reputation and preclude him from entering politics and becoming leader of the National Party.

‘We believe that as a ten year old child Key was involved in illegal currency speculation that badly damaged the New Zealand economy,’ Hodgson said. ‘We also have information suggesting that at about this time Key and his friend Derek shoplifted a pornographic magazine from a local dairy.’

‘I believe these crimes are related,’ Hodgson added. ‘My goal back in 1971 will be to piece together the evidence and present them to the New Zealand public. They will know that slippery John Key is not to be trusted even if the people of today will not. If I am successful the voters of 2008 will never even know Key’s name! How will you spin that Crosby/Textor?’

The Prime Minister refused to comment on Labour’s plan, saying only that he would be sad to see Mr Hodgson leave Parliament and adding that the Dunedin MP reminded him of an elderly man who lived next door to him as a child. ‘I don’t remember his name though,’ Key said.

Court records indicate a P Hidgson lived across the road from the Key family in Burnside during the early 1970s. He was later arrested in the United States attempting to blow up the headquarters of Merril Lynch in New York in 1981.

‘I often wondered what happened to that crafty old guy,’ Key chuckled. ‘He really had it in for me, always hatching some scheme to get me into trouble. When I think about it I wouldn’t be here today if I wasn’t for that sense of cunning and strategy he cultivated in me as a boy.’

I almost hurt myself from the laughter reading this one.

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Dim-Post on Ministers credit cards

June 10th, 2010 at 10:03 am by David Farrar

This is a classic:

Lower Hutt based Countdown retail worker Richard Loa announced today that he was deeply embarrassed by revelations that he had been taking items from the store without paying for them.

Loa, a 41 year old checkout operator and frozen foods section assistant team leader came forward today to admit that over a period of four years working at the Wellington supermarket he had taken home bottles of wine, frozen chickens, vitamin pills and razor blades on a weekly basis.

‘I now accept that this was wrong and I apologise for it,’ Loa said. ‘In my defense the rules around whether or not I could smuggle out bottles of shampoo in my gym bag were vague and unclear.’

It is understood that Loa came forward after Countdown management announced that they had installed security cameras in the staff changing rooms. These showed footage of Loa eating two large boxes of Lindt chocolates valued at $44 while on breaks during a busy weekend shift.

‘That’s when I decided that coming clean and explaining everything was the right thing to do,’ Loa said, adding. ‘The chocolates were consumed while I was doing my job although I concede that the security footage is not a good look.’

‘I would have paid for the chocolates myself but I didn’t have any cash and it seemed more convenient at the time to stuff them under my shirt and eat them in the toilets,’ Loa explained.

Loa announced that he would repay the value of the chocolates and other items consumed but would not be stepping down from his position as frozen foods assistant team leader.

‘I’ve made a mistake and I’ve done the right thing and fronted up to it,’ Loa said. ‘I acknowledge that it’s not a good look but frozen food placement faces a lot of challenges and I have some exciting ideas on how to tackle them so I’d like to put this whole thing behind me and move on.’

This attitude is not shared by Loa’s employer Progressive Foodstuffs who have dismissed him without notice or by the New Zealand Police who have arrested Loa on five charges of theft.

The best paragraph is about how he would have paid but didn’t have any cash on him, so that makes it okay!

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Two bits of amusement

March 24th, 2010 at 10:04 am by David Farrar

The Herald reports:

Mallard cleverly tricked National MPs into not objecting to leave for a motion congratulating Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce for getting his degree some two decades ago.

It was very amusing. The Govt did drop the ball on this one, and Labour deserved their fun.

The actual motion moved was to congratulate Steven Joyce on getting his degree conferred 21 years after he started it.

The Dim-Post is in fine form with its version of the Government’s mining policy:

  • Amendment to Crown Minerals Act prohibits Energy Minister Gerry Brownlee from yelling ‘I’d like to open up her schedule four’ whenever an attractive aide enters the Cabinet room.
  • Streamlined process for mining consents to make it easier for everyday New Zealanders to operate their own open pit cast mines or surgically excavate their back yards.
  • State Services Commission enquiry to find out who keeps adding ‘unobtanium’ to the list of rare minerals detected in Mt Aspiring.

  • $4 million dollars for extensive exploration of Coromandal focusing on area where Gerry Brownlee lost his beloved teddy-bear ‘Mister Wookie’ while on a day walk as a child.

The Mister Wookie one especially just cracks me up.

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The Downfall of Wellywood

March 11th, 2010 at 11:00 am by David Farrar

Someone has done a Downfall parody showing displeasure at the Wellywood sign.

Mt favourite parts were Hitler saying “How about Weta make a statue of Elijah Wood sticking his little hobbit dick in the bucket fountain” and that “a giant statue of blanket man would be better”

Hat Tip: Dim-Post

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