Kiwiblog

Someone has done a Downfall parody showing displeasure at the Wellywood sign.

Mt favourite parts were Hitler saying “How about Weta make a statue of Elijah Wood sticking his little hobbit dick in the bucket fountain” and that “a giant statue of blanket man would be better”

Hat Tip: Dim-Post

Fun summer reading can be decisions of the Broadcasting Standards Authority. Some recent decisions:

1. They reject four complaints against TV3 for Ali Ikram’s satirical piece of Maori TV getting the Rugby World Cup rights. It wasn’t that funny a piece of satire, but no way should it be illegal!
2. They also turn down two complaints against TVNZ and Paul Henry over his comments re the Maori flag.
3. ACT member Peter Taskhoff is sucessful against TVNZ for a story at an arms show than unfairly portrayed him in a negative light.
4. Kerry Bolton wins against Radio NZ for Chris Laidlaw’s programme which made holocaust denying accusations against him withotu verifying them.
5. Henk van Helmond loses against TV3 for door stopping him at is home in relation to threats about Sue Bradford.
6. A complaint against TV3 for coverage of the Boobs on Bikes parade was not upheld.
7. A complaint fron a Patty Towl against Solid Gold FM for the joke that Ellen DeGeneres is the second most powerful lesbian on the planet, and Chris Carter being the first – was not upheld.

The Dom Post reports:

Reserve Bank Governor Alan Bollard has ways of keeping a lid on details of his mythical double life as a “beer-swilling bogan tough dude”.

He just buys all the copies of the spoof book New Zealand Reserve Bank Annual 2010.

Downtown Wellington’s Unity Books sold all 55 copies of the satirical book before Christmas, leaving an information vacuum for central bank watchers until mid-January.

The book, by South Island author David Haywood, portrays Dr Bollard drinking a dozen DB Brown before heading off in his ute to “sort out the Briscoes lady once and for all”.

“I don’t generally read books containing violence, pornography and tough dudes, but in this case I have made an exception,” Dr Bollard said. “Overall I feel it enhances my reputation.”

I’ve read a copy and found it very funny. Good to see Dr Bollard having a sense of humour over it.

Asked if he was considering legal action against the author, Dr Bollard said: “I have my own way of getting back at someone I don’t like.”

Dr Bollard is not expected to raise interest rates for authors or anyone else until the middle of next year. Aside from that, he can bar satirists from becoming bank executives.

Heh.

Transtasman puts its tongue in its cheek for its 2010 projections. Extracts:

Despite the recession, Phil Goff ’s poll ratings decline further. He has a long lunch with Ian Wishart and criticises the dominance of scheming, childless “front bums” in the Labour Party.

After two weeks of internal muttering Labour MPs say they are right behind Goff and anyone interpreting his criticisms of “front bums” as anti-women don’t know what they are talking about.

Ouch – so cutting.

Jim Anderton retires. It is nearly a month before anyone notices.

He’s a party leader you know.

Danyl at Dim-Post does his own rankings. Superb. Extracts:

Nick Smith: 8/10. Environment Minister has done excellent work crafting an Emissions Trading Scheme that doesn’t handicap decent, struggling Kiwi businesses like The DimPost’s parent company Lanthanide, Nitrogen Tetrafloride & Heavy Metals Disposal.com (Inc  Chongjin, North Korea).

Paula Bennett: 8/10. Feisty westie MP has attracted controversy but is a vital weapon in National’s battle against Labour for the hearts of the strategic white trash demographic. …

Murray McCully: Shook my hand at a public meeting a few weeks ago and now it burns when I pee. 3.5/10.

The McCully one especially just cracks me up everytime I read it.

David Garret: Not his fault supermarkets are allowed to bulk sell discounted alcohol at 8 AM. 5/10.

Harsh but bloody funny.

Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

From The Onion of course. It’s superb.

Hat Tip: Trevor Loudon

Claire Trevett reveals the diary this week of Pita Sharples:

Whooo-eee – it’s not all flags and mana enhancements in here today, I tell you. I forgot to tell John Key that my ministry was giving Maori TV $3 million to help it get the rights to the Rugby World Cup. All the teko has hit the kowhiuwhiu (fan) now! He’s nearly as angry as he was when I “announced” the government would sign the Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. I sent a staffer to gauge his mood at his weekly press conference. Apparently his eyes were as hard as unpolished pounamu. …

Labour Party MPs and Rodney Hide are kicking it in the guts now. Shane Jones reckons it’s a World Cup for Emissions Trading contra scheme. He thinks the money would be better used helping young Maori. Trevor Mallard thinks it should be used for junkets for people in New Zealand to go to the United Kingdom now and encourage them to come to New Zealand in 2011. I can see what Tau means about him now.

I remember Chris Carter pulled the old “they’re picking on me cos I’m gay” line about his travel costs and decide to try a similar tactic.

Then I remember it didn’t work out so well for him, so I sent out the press release under Te Ururoa’s name accusing everyone of being racist.

Chris rings me to applaud my tactics – he agrees it’s nothing to do with spending millions of dollars of taxpayers’ money and everything to do with institutionalised stereotypes. …

Luckily, Associate Health Minister Tariana Turia has come up with a new spin to help me out. It will be good for obesity because all those people who can’t get Maori TV won’t be sitting on their sofas watching rugby for weeks on end. The National Party’s communications team vetoes the press release – they say it belongs in the Melissa Lee Motorway Crime Prevention Theory file.

Very good.

The Dim-Post in fine form:

Monday Evening. My suite at the Breekman.

Cocktails with some of the old Wall St gang at Club 55 earlier. Good to see some familiar faces. Tense moment when someone asked me what I was doing for a job these days. I told them, there was a moments silence and they sprayed their drinks all over the table. I nervously joined in the laughter and when Dicky asked what I was really doing I told them I was COO at Deutsche. Feel slightly disloyal.

New poll back home. Slight dip but still riding high. It’s all a massive fraud, of course – we nose-dived after the budget and we’ve been in single digits for months, but what I got on Garner and the Espiners wouldn’t look very pretty on the front page. They know how to play ball.

Tuesday. Office at the UN.

Meeting with HC. The DPS boys led her into the room and assured me she was fine: ‘She was nervous this morning Sir but she’s eaten and she’s calm now.’ I knew better. She was still but her eyes were all white and she was breathing shallowly, her head low, scanning the room. I held back, greeted her cautiously and then she lunged: I’ve never seen anything move that fast! All I saw were flashing teeth and I felt the hot scent of English Breakfast tea against my throat but the DPS boys were quicker, forcing her back into the corner with their prods while she hissed and spat. Eventually she calmed and we discussed Copenhagen, Fiji and the MMP referendum. Also, she gave me a UNDP snow globe. Score!

Wednesday. Back at the Hotel.

Bad day today. No water at hotel, had to use Aussie faculties, had Rudd standing outside the door talking about a federated Pacific while I was trying to take a shit, then he stood outside the shower talking about something called ’social capitalism’. WFT? Was so distracted I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair and spent all day at the UN with my scalp feeling oily and damp. Couldn’t use the basins in the washrooms to rinse – how would that look if someone saw me? Met Obama and I could see him looking at my hair. ‘He knows!‘ I thought. ‘He understands!‘ If anyone would have a private place to rinse their hair it’s him, but I couldn’t figure out how to ask and he moved on to talk to Erdogan.

Thursday. NBC Green Room.

Show went well. Pity we had to agree to three more years of SAS deployment to Afghanistan to get the slot but thems the breaks. Lindsay Lohan! Heh.

Picked up some nice ties and links at Bergdorf yesterday and this morning Soper liked the look of one of the club ties. He had a coffee and a danish and I hadn’t had breakfast so I offered to make a deal. He crowed: ‘I’ve been around a long time John, you’d have to get up early to get the best of me.’ Long story short I now own his house which I’m mortgaging back to him for sixty points above OCR.

Friday. Starbucks on Harrison Street.

Sent my body double Andy to deliver the speech to the UN (something about a seat on the Security Council in 6 years. BFD) while I went record shopping in Tribeca. Picked up some old Sugar Cubes on vinyl and a totally awesome Arbus print that I was going to give to Bill but decided to keep for myself. Checked my email and it sounds as though the speech went down well. All right. Hooked up with Bronagh and the kids and flew out to Disney World. So long New York – you’ve been good to me.

I’ll say this again. Someone really should hire Danyl.

Some nice satire from NBR:

To the Green Party headquarters, located in a Thorndon investment property. Keith Locke wants a hand drafting his latest private members bill. He is livid about photos of soldiers standing next to a large bomb, upon which they appear to have written various slogans about the Taleban and Osama Bin Laden.

I remind Keith this has long been a practice in the armed forces. There are plenty of similar photos from previous wars. Hell, the soldiers at Agincourt probably carved similar messages on their arrows.

Keith looks at me sorrowfully and says Agincourt was part of an imperialist war as well.

Heh.

A classic:

The National government is calling for a calm and reasoned debate after opposition MPs have raised fears about a recent Ministry of Health audit into the value of New Zealander’s body organs.

Health Minister Tony Ryall announced the stocktake of body parts last week, explaining that it was useful to know how much the total organ pool of New Zealand was worth. Some experts estimate that New Zealand is sitting on over $340 billion dollars in kidneys alone. …

The Prime Minister has reassured New Zealanders that they should not be concerned about the audit. ‘At this point we have virtually no plans to harvest any organs. We realise that peoples lungs and pancreas are important to them and you should feel confident that when you go to the dentist or the doctor for a checkup you have only a very small chance of being selected for the Ministry’s trial program and waking up in a tub of ice with an empty cavity where one of your kidneys used to be. I want to reassure people on that issue.’

Also to be checked out is the “Waiting for Voter: A tragi-comedy in two Acts” post. I won’t even quote from it as you really want to read the full thing.

Danyl obviously has far too much spare time on his hands, but we’re grateful of that.

Danyl has been leaked the proposed changes:

• Alter font of Section 59 amendment from Courier12 to Times New Roman.
• Establish designated ‘coffee houses’ in urban areas where children can be freely smacked without fear of police intimidation.
• Initiate second non-binding referendum to ask voters if they understood question in previous referendum.
• Key to meet with Sheryl Savill, the woman who initiated the referendum, listen to her talk for up to five minutes and look at no less than twenty of her cat pictures.
• Larry Baldock to negotiate law change with Sue Bradford on pre-condition that Bradford be confined within a pentagram and bound in a straitjacket and hockey mask throughout the talks.
• Key to address Families First meeting, stand at podium with shit-eating grin and demand to know who the fuck else they’re going to vote for.

Excellent satire, as usual.

The Green Party today released a further policy on how New Zealand can make a goal of a 40% reduction in carbon emissions by 2020 and 80% by 2050.

“We realised our previous policy of de-stocking dairy herds was not going to be enough. Yes Cows fart and belch more methane than humans, but they don’t travel in cars and use heaters” said the Green Party.

New Zealanders emit 7.4 metric tons of carbon emissions per capita. The more New Zealanders we have, the more emissions we have. Hence the solution is to have less New Zealanders”

We have decided abortion is the best way to reduce the number of New Zealanders, as this is preferable to euthanasia. In 2007 the abortion rate was only 22.2% of pregnancies. If we can triple that to 67%, that will mean 37,000 less New Zealanders every year.

Over 10 years until 2020, that is a massive 370,000 fewer New Zealanders. That will reduce annual emissions by 2.8 million tons of carbon emissions. And by 2050 that will see annual emissions down by 14 million tons.

The Greens wish to make it clear they are not proposing that abortion be compulsory for all New Zealanders.

“We propose a lottery, like the US green card for immigrant visas. Every month all pregnant women will be entered into the lottery, and only two out of three of them will have to abort their pregnancy. One in three women will be allowed to keep their pregnancy viable. Of course they may miscarry, which will be great for the environment, but that is just an added bonus.

We wish to make it very clear, in case our opponents scare-monger, that a woman who has to have an abortion for the sake of reducing our carbon emissions is allowed to get pregnant again. So really it is just a small delay in having children for most women.

Some parties may decry this policy as extreme, but they should remember that unless carbon emissions in New Zealand are reduced to 40% of 1990 levels by 2020, the world is doomed and we will all end up aborted. So this is about saving the planet for the one in three who are allowed to be born.

Satire at its best in the Dim-Post:

Citing the importance of robust opposition to a healthy democracy and the Labour party’s poor performance in holding the government to account, the Governor General Sir Anand Satyanand took the unusual step of directly intervening in the affairs of Parliament, making changes to the house that have shocked some, but drawn praise from many political and legal experts.

Emphasising Labour’s lacklustre record and the importance of an opposition party in scrutinising Ministers actions and speaking truth to power, the Governor General dismissed Mr Goff and the rest of his Labour MPs and on the same day swore in ‘Tiberius’, a four year old domestic Grey Goose who will act as opposition leader and sole opposition MP.

Tiberius is a great name for a goose.

The new MP has already made a strong impression on the government and its coalition partners; when Justice Minister Simon Power rose yesterday to introduce his new Search and Surveillance bill he was met with a tremendous quacking, honking sound, made by former Greens co-leader Jeanette Fitzsimons; the sound awoke Tiberius who rose on his hind legs and rustled his six-foot long wings at Mr Power who then withdrew from the Chamber. The bill was defeated and will not proceed to Select Committee.

Heh

We all had fun using the referendum question generator to create parodies.

Now what people may not be aware is the Electoral Commission Enrolment Centre filed a takedown notice against the site allowing you to create a parody, as Orange Man is their intellectual property.

New Zealand doesn’t have a specific exemption for parody and satire, so if they had proceeded, the site could have been forced to close.

Most people would agree the Electoral Commission Enrolment Centre should of course be able to take action if a person is using Orange Man to impersonate the Commission Enrolment Centre , or make people think it is a real notice on behalf of the electoral agencies. But most people can work out that a question such as “Should gingas be exterminated by 2011″ is not a real referendum.

Thankfully a compromise has been reached, where in return for explicit reference of the crown copyright, I understand the Electoral Commission Enrolment Centre has withdrawn its objections (which is good of them).

It does highlight though the need for good intellectual property law that both rewards the owner of intellectual property, but also protects fair use and free speech by allowing satire and parody.

Hat Tip: No Right Turn

I am getting confused on which Twitter accounts are parodies and which are not. Take two Green MPs.

The Sue Kedgley twitter account is a parody. The comments seem a bit too extreme, even for Sue, such as:

is off to find schools that sell kiddy killing food made by National Party supporting multinational fast food capitalists!

wants to ban anyone selling children unhealthy food. It should be like tobacco and alcohol. Kids don’t know what’s good for them! I do!

shocked that 84% of schools are still selling hot dogs, sausage rolls, hot bites or pies – no wonder kids are become fat, we need action!

is wondering if she could be elected Mayor of a Wellington supercity

Is sad that so many children were abused over Easter by the multinational chocolate capitalists that seduced their parents.

So I am pretty sure this is a parody account. Mind you Sue does go on about easter eggs a lot.

Then I saw Liberty Scott complaining about Catherine Delahunty’s twitterings. And my first reaction was that he has fallen for a very good parody.

But then I went and looked at Catherine’s twitter account, and I am not so sure it is a parody. Examples:

Gorgeous day in Te tairawhiti unless you want to appeal something to enviro court and dont have five hundred bucks just for filing fee

My mate Grant hawke has it right. Maori have been on the advisory commitee since eighteen forty enough already!

Despite the pretty words and new clothes am hoping new puppy at white house will stop killing afghanis and funding Israel wars on Palestine

Awesome Tairawhiti sunshine a good to start our own banks instead of trusting the white boy club

If it wasnt for almonds and dark chocolate I would go crazy here. As for Michael laws gang Bill who needs It?

Those QPEC people defending public and free education are awesome and palmy north was balmy today

I think it might be genuine.

Lyndon Hood at Scoop has a very funny piece of Judith Collins as The Hulk. Extracts:

Collins ANGRY!

Collins hear car! It loud car!

Collins see boy in car!

Car shiny?

Car shiny!

Him BOY RACER!

Collins fine racer? No! Him not pay fine already!

Collins impound car? No!!

Collins Crush car! Collins CRUSH!

Why Collins impound when Collins can POUND?

Collins Smash! Collins Destroy! COLLINS CRUSH!! Rargh!!

Heh.

Dim-Post blogs:

Speculation on the future career of Labour politician Judith Tizard ended today with an announcement from Helen Clark that she would be taking the ousted Auckland Central MP to the United States with her this August, when she travels to New York to take up her new job as head of the United Nations Development Program.

It had been rumoured that Tizard would stand as a Labour Party candidate in Clark’s Mt Albert electorate, return to Parliament as a list MP or even run for mayor of Auckland’s supercity. Those rumours were quashed today with the news of her departure for New York. Clark advised that she has not yet informed Tizard about her upcoming move, as the prospect of such a long journey would only frighten and confuse her. Tizard will be leaving a month before Clark, as US Department of Agriculture regulations state that Tizard – who was Minister of Auckland, as well as Associate Minister for Arts and Transport – must spend at least a month in quarantine before she can enter the US.

Heh

Sources close to Helen Clark warn that Tizard will no longer have the same care-free lifestyle in New York as she did in Auckland or Wellington.

‘Judith was unsupervised a lot of the time,’ said a former staff member in Clark’s department. ‘Although she spent most of the day sleeping on a couch by the window in Helen’s office she would also roam around the beehive, wandering into diplomatic lunches and state dinners where she would delight guests by performing tricks, such as begging for food or rolling over and playing dead.’ …

Clark is understood to have purchased an automatic feeder to prevent Tizard from starving during her absence. At a preset time every morning and evening the device will dispense a serving of Swiss liquer chocolates into a bowl. It also fills her dish with Vueve Cliquot when Tizard presses her nose against a panel on the side of the machine.

Read the whole thing.

A classic Dim-Post:

Rumours, speculation and wild gossip swirl through the gray streets of the nations capital this week, with businessmen, civil servants and fishwives all speculating on the secret identity of the Labour parties noble and courageous new leader; the only man in Wellington brave – or foolish – enough to defy the terrible might of the Key administration.

The National Party has vowed to seek out and destroy the noble yet unknown politician who has captured the hearts of the political left with his quick-witted press releases and bold opposition to suspending superfund payments – but with his identity a mystery the bumbling attempts of the fiendish Nats are doomed to failure.

Deputy Labour leader Annette King has denied knowing the name of the dashing masked hero but has confirmed that under extraordinary circumstances she can contact him, revealing that she alerts him to a crisis either by wearing a red carnation in her corsage when attending balls, placing a vase of the same flowers in her bedroom window at midnight or messaging his facebook page. …

King laughed merrily at suggestions that her old friend and colleague Phil Goff is the shadowy champion of the left. ‘Poor old Phil? Not in a million years. He couldn’t even make it to Andrew’s press conference because he locked himself in his office bathroom. Phil is sweet and trusting and has a good command of trade and defense issues but he could never match the bold flair and derring-do of our mysterious new captain,’ she said sighing and staring out her rain-streaked office window at the stormcast Wellington skies.

But King’s loyalty to her hapless, bumbling friend may yet pose a threat to Labour’s secret hero; sources within National have revealed that the parties senior strategists are setting a trap for the masked Labour leader, forcing King to lure him out of hiding by threatening to attack Goff in the House if King does not co-operate.

‘She knows that Goff is too naive and good natured to defend himself and that the Nat’s will tear him apart, so she’s trapped into sacrificing her leader to save her friend,’ a senior National staffer said, speaking off the record before twirling his mustache and chuckling darkly.

As of press time the evil scheme appears to have been unsuccessful; Deputy Prime Minister Bill English and senior cabinet MP’s Simon Power and Murray McCully thought they had trapped the Labour leader in a Select Committee hearing but when they entered the room they found only Goff, slumbering gently in the corner.

Danyl really should be given a column in a newspaper. And his ending:

The National MP’s dashed their hats to the ground and swore in frustration. Upon awaking Goff insisted to them that he was Labour’s mysterious hero, at which the men laughed uproariously and clapped Goff on the shoulder.

‘But I’m the leader,’ Goff told them. ‘I’m head of the party goddamn it. Why won’t anyone listen to me?’

The real identity of the opposition leader remains a mystery.

They seek him here, they seek him there …

Very good from the Dim-Post:

The New Zealand Herald: Key – the Cold Hard Facts

Freelance journalists Kevin Taylor and Jason Ede ask the difficult questions about the mysterious past and future plans of National leader John Key. The result is a candid unflinching take-no-prisoners account of Key as a husband, leader, dad and the best mate our nation could ever hope for.

The Sunday Star Times: Five Celebrity Sex Scandals the Government Doesn’t Want you to Know About

Anthony Hubbard and Nicky Hager reveal the shocking truth about the New Zealand Intelligence Service and their role in protecting Shortland Street stars from tabloid newspaper journalists.

New Zealand Herald on Sunday: Going down on Lloyd Geering

Caroline Meng-Yee interviews the ninety year old distinguished theologian and member of the New Zealand Zealand Order of Merit about fashion, fab restaurants, clubbing and his favourite sex positions!

The Dominion Post: Are Winston’s Masturbation Fantasies Illegal?

The story that brought the government to its knees. Phil Kitchen’s explosive scoop revealed the Foreign Ministers inner erotic life and asked if it broke electoral law.

A classic from the Dim-Post:

SIG Detective-Inspector Sean Gibson-Whyte is understood to be leading the investigation into Tino-rangatiratanga People’s Global Jihad for Social and Environmental Justice Now! and admits that the loss of Gilchrist as an informer has dealt a blow to the ongoing surveillance operation.

‘We have been reduced to reading Mr Fletcher’s blog, watching his web-cam, listening to his telephone calls with Mr Singh and installing listening devices in their homes and cars,’ Gibson-Whyte admitted ruefully.

Detective Gibson-Whyte is no stranger to set-backs: an experienced officer with a Masters Degree in criminal law, he spent nine years investigating gangs and organised crime in New Zealand and Asia Pacific and headed up a multi-country task-force to investigate the smuggling of amphetamine precursors from South East Asia before being pulled from the case to head up the inquiry into the Tino-rangatiratanga People’s Global Jihad for Social and Environmental Justice Now! task-force.

Other activists informed on by Gilchrist have expressed surprise and relief about the selective nature of his informing.

‘Rob sent the stasi pigs cell-phone pictures he took of my ‘PanArchy’ performance art installation but he hasn’t told them anything about the time I got wasted, broke into my ex-girlfriends flat and trashed the whole house,’ said Project for Total Human Genocide co-founder and environmental activist Jenny McCormak. The anonymous, Hawera based spokesperson for Sendero Luminoso Aotearoa has expressed gratitude that Gilchrist did not reveal details of her activities manufacturing and distributing the class A drug Ecstasy, although his information about the group has prompted the SIG to draft eleven more detectives into the task-force to adequately monitor the upcoming anti-patriarchy rave scheduled for new years eve.

One of the best.

The Dim-Post:

Danyl has been busy, I do not know where to start.

We have Maori Party split over Coalition Deal

The Maori Party have been offered entrenchment of the Maori seats and a review of the Foreshore and Seabed Act in exchange for fifty of their young every month for three years. …

It is understood that Sharples is deeply opposed to the proposed scheme while Tariana Turia is a strong advocate for Key’s right to hunt, kill and mount unemployed Maori youths, describing it as enhancing his rangatiratanga and sending a strong message to young Maori that if they study and work hard they will not be cut down in their prime by Key’s poison-tipped crossbow bolts or torn apart by his pack of savage dogs.

A resolution to the impasse was reached late last night, when the Maori party co-leaders met for a cup of tea to confront the problem. After a short, congenial discussion Dr Sharples drained his mug of Earl Grey and then slumped to the floor unconscious.

And Tizard dismisses ‘rogue election result’:

Outgoing Auckland Central electorate MP Judith Tizard has assured staff and family that she will not be stepping down as an MP in spite of her loss to National Party candidate Nicky Kaye in last weekends General Election.

‘I certainly never heard anything about any election,’ Tizard told the Dim-Post this morning. ‘And if there was something like that going on I like to think I’d be one of the first to know.’

Upon being informed of the results Tizard was quick to dismiss their significance.

‘I don’t think this represents the true wishes of the people of New Zealand or the people of Auckland Central,’ Tizard said. ‘This is clearly a rogue election result with no real impact that the media is beating up in order to sell more papers.’ …

Tizard has also confirmed that she will be maintaining her full contingent of staff and offices, rejecting the suggestion that she would now have to make her own dinner reservations and purchase her own plane tickets as ‘the worst kind of hate speech’.

Incoming National MP Nicky Kaye has advised she is negotiating a solution with Paliamentary Services, Tizard’s private secretary and an Armed Offenders unit.

Oh that was priceless.

The Dim-Post hits a new high with its party profile on NZ First. Read the whole thing but here are some extracts:

Founded In: Now there has been a great deal of lies, falsehood and innuendo spread about the founding of New Zealand First. This profile will deal with the plain cold facts and not the sterile, feeble minded nonsense spread about by the media in this country who are a bunch of smart-alec green tea-sipping ghouls, liars and pumpkin faced charlatans and that is the honest truth.

I can almost hear the voice.

Slogan: Now let me be very clear about this. First of all, that was not human brain tissue on the carpet of my electoral office. It was sheep brain tissue. You know that, I know that and the people of New Zealand knows that. We all know that because that’s the truth. Now it’s not my fault that the police forensics scientists can’t tell the difference between human brain tissue and sheep brain tissue but they can’t and that’s nothing to do with me. You’ll have to take that up with them and I encourage you to do so.

Second – and we need to deal with the facts here; not the spin, not the tall tales spread by the jackals and hyena’s in the New Zealand media and their ACT party paymasters in the World Health Organisation. The facts. Now the New Zealand Herald has claimed that when my plane violated Russian air space we were flying low over the waves to avoid radar detection. That is just an out and out lie! I’ve explained why we flew in low at night with our lights out – explained it time and time again – and the Russian East Air Command in Vladivostok has accepted my version of events!

Just wonderful.

A blog that has absolutely no conection to the Labour Party has revealed John Key’s role in the prostitution industry and how he plans to become NZ’s biggest pimp. Their story (now deleted) is:

This week Slippery John Key announced that if he deludes enough people into voting for him, he will appoint himself Minister of Tourism.

This appears on the surface to be innocent, but documents obtained by the Sydney Morning Herald quote Prince Philip (married to NZ’s Head of State) as saying:

“tourism is just national prostitution”

This means that Slippery John wants to become Slippery Minister of Tourism so that he can control New Zealand’s prostitution industry. Slippery John (have we mentioned how slippery he is) wants to be New Zealand’s biggest pimp.

This blog would like to reassure readers that if this story doesn’t hold up, it is not being handled by the Prime Minister at all.

That John Key – both NZ’s biggest ever fraud mastermind and NZ’s biggest pimp. When does he get the time to sleep?

The best comedy and satire about the election is online. Danyl has some gems today:

• While speaking to a small group of army medics in Waiouru John Key announced that Dr Lockwood Smith’s plane has been shot down over the sea of Japan
• The Green Party held a photo opportunity at Pauatahanui estuary in Mana electorate at which co-leaders Russel Norman and Jeannette Fitzsimmons pitched Green fiscal policy to a thick film of marine algea.
• New Zealand First leader Winston Peters met with police detectives and the Reserve Bank to discuss his plans to stimulate the New Zealand economy by printing more money; the detectives have confiscated a Macintosh computer and two color printers from New Zealand First offices.
• Maori Party co-leader Tariana Turia announced that the removal of Tin from the periodic table of elements would be a bottom line for any coalition deal with a major party.

The sad thing is that Winston’s monetary policy is not very different to the above!